How Bill Belichick Gave ESPN A Boner

THIS IS A FOOTBALL

Thanks to the fine folks at ABC my morning coffee was ruined today.  And no it wasn’t the horrible dress Lara Spencer chose to wear (though I must say that didn’t help.)  Good Morning America’s lead story this morning was the whole deflated football nonsense.  Really?  This is your lead story?  The day after the leader of the free world give his annual State of the Union? 

 

Sure the President gave a speech so full of Snark it’s been suggested we wrote it and as the SOTU has largely become a misguided pep rally that serves more as an example of how politics divide us than our leaders sharing their plans with it's citizens.  A reasonable argument can be made that it’s not the biggest story of a given day.  But less of a story than one about whether or not a football was deflated below the accepted PSI settings?  It’s got to better than that to knock of the SOTU.  Doesn’t it?  Don't you have some crappy cell phone footage of a Semi sliding across an icy highway?  Is a mild weather pattern going to slightly inconvenience people living in Philly, New York and Boston? 

 

Has there ever been an allegation of cheating that was widely accepted as an egregious offense AND acknowledged as having no effect to the outcome of the game in which it tool place?  There are people suggesting the coach should be fired.  The Patriots shouldn’t be allowed to play in the game.  Tom Brady should be forced to father a baby with my wife.  Some sort of punishment that sends a message.  Don't mess with the integrity of the game.  Talking heads are suggesting stripping the team of a draft pick and fining them any amount of money will not be enough.  Really?  For an act of cheating you think had no effect on the game. 

 

 

WHAT?

The referee’s touch the ball before every play.  This is no different than a baseball pitcher scuffing the ball in the hopes of getting more movement and the umpire not noticing.  Did anyone suggest that Joe Niekro’s career should be taken from him as he casually tried dump an Emory board out his pants?  His pockets hanging out and his hands up in the air while his face clearly was telling the ref “What?”  Did anyone suggest Tom Kelly should be immediately removed as team manager of the Minnesota Twins for allowing this cheater on the field?  Did anyone write an op-ed about how they now had to explain to their children why cheating was still bad.  Quite the opposite actually.  It has become a moment of nostalgic endearment.  Football seems a bit backwards on this.  We don’t care if you take steroids.  Just don’t mess with the ball. 

 

SO WHAT DO YOU GUYS WANNA TALK ABOUT?

The bottom line is this only matters to people who don’t matter.  The only people less important than the talking heads who cover sports are the people who can’t get enough of hearing them talk about sports.  Between this and the Super Bowl ESPN has enough programming for the next three weeks.

 

Oh there is more that can be said.  As far as I'm concerned it already has by the fine writers at Deadspin.  Check it out here.  And remember.  It's ok to once in a while wonder why the news is putting us through this garbage as it isn't necessary. 

 

 

Janay Rice Shouldn't Stand By Her Man

*I would like to say I often use this forum to express myself in satirical or sarcastic way.  Snarky.  Among the topics I would never make light of is spousal abuse of any kind.  What follows is in no way sarcastic or meant as a joke

 

I was planning on staying away from this one.  A) It’s getting plenty of coverage and B) standing out against domestic violence in situations like this tend to  be more about the person saying it and less about the actual issue.  I didn’t feel I had anything to offer that others weren’t already saying.  Then the victim spoke out.

 

In a letter to the Baltimore Sun, Janay Rice had the following to say in regards to the video getting out.

 

 

"I woke up this morning feeling like I had a horrible nightmare, feeling like I'm mourning the death of my closest friend.  But to have to accept the fact that it's reality is a nightmare in itself. No one knows the pain that [the] media & unwanted options from the public has caused my family. To make us relive a moment in our lives that we regret every day is a horrible thing. To take something away from the man I love that he has worked his ass [off] for all his life just to gain ratings is horrific.

"THIS IS OUR LIFE! What don't you all get. If your intentions were to hurt us, embarrass us, make us feel alone, take all happiness away, you've succeeded on so many levels. Just know we will continue to grow & show the world what real love is! Ravensnation we love you!"

 

Some will dismiss her as stupid and someone who deserves to be with someone who will abuse her.  Some will speak in terms of concern that she is allowing herself to be part to blame.  There’s a little truth in both I guess.  I have a hard time relating as I’ve never had a problem not hitting people or belittling my spouse.  Suffice it to say I find violence of any kind unnecessary.  I’ll leave any further discussion as to how we handle domestic violence to more qualified people.

 

I do feel comfortable talking about the statement Janay made via the Baltimore Sun.  Two things stick out to me. 

 

How can she not see she is living the stereotype?  Maybe stereotype isn’t the right way to put it.  She is acting like a text book example of someone who has been abused.  Placing blame on herself.  Defending her attacker.  Blaming others for bringing attention to it.  Odds are there were people in power for the Baltimore Ravens and the NFL who knew about all of this back in February and did nothing aside from cover it up.  Maybe Janay is perfectly fine being a Ray Rice punching bag.  But if we allow people in power to cover up this kind of crap, that only serves to ensure it will continue to happen.  As much as I feel for her, it’s bigger than her.  And it’s kind of scary she feels the attention this is bringing on her home is worse than the left hook that left her laying on the floor.  It’s almost as if she’s telling people like my wife that only by the grace of God has she not been punched. 

 

Secondly, and this had nothing to do with the issue and more with what we feel is acceptable when discussing a serious issue.  From either side.  I can’t take someone serious when they end a statement like this with a reference to “RavensNation”.  Now I not only think she’s in denial but I also think she’s stupid.  Any point she was trying to make is now gone because she went to the “LOL” card.  You cannot approach this the same level of sincerity you would when posting on Instagram and be taken seriously.  Not only is she lying to herself, but she lacks the mental capacity to embrace the seriousness of the shit storm her husband put her in.  The only thing the media is guilty of in this case is false sincerity.  But I guess so is Janay Rice.  What don't you all get?  Your use of "us" and "we" for starters.      

 

I don’t own an NBA team so I have no concern saying someone who was raised by his mother should have a higher regard for women.  Funny how we've heard from her but not him.        

 

Safe Horizon Domestic Abuse Help

It Might Be Time To Bailout The NFL

 

This week the NFL’s brain trust announced they were thinking of charging the musicians they hire to perform at the Super Bowl halftime show.  They would do so by getting a percentage of tour revenue following their performance.  The NFL seems to think it’s losing about 100 Million dollars in lost ad revenue during that 12 minute period.

 

NFL.  Baby.  If you needed money.  Why didn't you ask?

 

Well I for one had no idea the NFL was so strapped for cash.  But now that we do know it's time we took action.  I think it is all of our duties to do what we can to help resurrect this once great league.  At the very least we have to Try!  So for my part I came up with some ways the NFL can raise some money while also cutting some costs.      

 

Start a Gatorade Bucket Challenge – Around 25 million was raised for ALS.  For something as worthwhile as the NFL you gotta be able to double that and your halfway there. 

 

Buy a keg and sell cups for $1,000,000.  You sell 100 cups and you’ve recouped the whole amount those greedy musicians have stolen from you.

 

Reduce Costs – We are all aware the NFL is barely making any profit on a 9 dollar beer, but why not use thinner plastic for the beer cups in stadiums.  You’ll save money on plastic plus they will spill easier meaning more beer sales. 

 

Charge fatter players more for their jersey’s.

 

While we’re at it, make Andy Reid pay for a second seat on all team flights.  Airlines would do it.  And since we’re taking a lead from the airlines, charge players $50 to check their bags and $25 for each additional bag.

 

Expansion Fees – The Houston Texans had to fork over $700,000,000 for the right to be an NFL expansion team.  Why not make the Raiders and The Browns pay an expansion fee every season.  The field one every season.

 

Replace Joe Buck with silence.

 

 

Mom and Dad – Between front office and players the NFL and it’s franchises employ over 3000 people.  If everyone just asked their folks for a few bucks it could add up to some real coin. 

 

 

 

Sell the Washington Redskins to the Native Americans.  You make a pile of money while once again the white man screws the Indians.

 

Make players bring their own balls. 

 

 

Charge fans for the opportunity to return kicks.

 

 

Start fining players for minor uniform violations like not having their socks tucked in.  What?  You already do that?  Damn. 

 

Start charging a fee for the right to buy tickets.  You already do that as well?  Jesus.  How are you broke?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Contact The NFL

 

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Why Everyone Hates YOUR Team: An NFL Primer For 2014 - NFC

How do you lose to me?

Are they still here?

Dallas Cowboys – Arrogance and mediocrity.  Your owner is a creepy old man.  Porn Stars choke less than your QB.  Despite the fact that both your team City (Dallas) and name (Cowboys) are about as provincially specific as you can get, you call yourself America’s team.  Cowboy fans think we’re all just jealous but in reality were ALL just sick of bad football getting such consistent national coverage.  Call us when you’re most current talking point doesn’t include Troy Aikman.

New York Giants – Why is it both teams in New York insist on throw back uniforms?  And why does New York City have two teams?  Neither one has played in New York state much less the city for well over two decades.  The Giants are the NFC’s answer to the Kansas City Chiefs.  Boring.  LT is a coke head rapist pedophile.  Phil Simms looks like a piece of plastic.  And what did you do to make Eli Manning so sad?

We'll always be buddies

Philadelphia Eagles – If the Giants are the NFC’s answer to the Chiefs, then the Eagles fans are the NFC version of Raider fans.  Uncontrolled dipshits who drink too much and start fights.  They act like they are huge Eagles fans but they spend more time with their bookie than they do watching their stupid team  Michael Vick drowned dogs so naturally once he was out of prison you had to sign him.  Your current coach looks like the type of guy you see in a parked car near a park with a pair of binoculars.  And your running back likes to go by the nick name of Shady.  I’m sure he's been in a nightclub with a handgun in his pants before. 

Washington Team – That’s right.  Not even us morally questionably staffers at SATM are willing to say your stupid teams racist name.  RG3 is ugly and his hair is stupid.  Your owner tried to sell mattresses at the stadium.  Joe Theisman is a cranky old turd.  Joe Gibbs sold his likeness to mad magazine.  Men in their 50’s attend games in dresses while wearing pig noses.  What the hell is that all about?  You were mean to Brad Johnson.  At one time Deion Sanders was on your team.  Chris Cooley is instagramming dick pics as you read this.  And Dan Snyder is wrapping up a meeting Satan.  You are the worst team in the last decades worst division.  And because fuck you.

Green Bay Packers – Theeeeee dumbest gathering of chuckleheads who call themselves fans.  The combined IQ in the stands of Lambeau is rarely higher than the temp.  It’s a good thing it’s owned by the fans because no one stays in Green Bay.  Not if they have a choice.  Your fans are called Cheeseheads.  Why?  You are so undesirable the man you treated like a king, Bret Favre, couldn’t wait to leave just so he could come back and beat your ass.  Your stadium smells like a cocktail of various bodily fluids and the seats are used bleachers from high schools that have renovated.  For the better part of 50 years half your games or more were played in Milwaukee.  Meaning people would rather go to Milwaukee than Green Bay.  The crowd at Lambeau is more inbred than the Westboro Baptist Church parish.  

As it was fortold

Minnesota Vikings – Remember when losing 4 Super Bowls was your crowning achievement.  Those were the days huh?  You seem to insist that Adrian Peterson’s career draws a parallel with Barry Sanders.  You actually kept Brad Childress from becoming the coach of the Packers.  Let that one sick in dipshits.  You somehow managed to make the Bears the Packers biggest rival.  Bryant McKinnie.  Fred Smoot.  Sex Boat.  Mike Tice scalping Super Bowl tickets.  Randy Moss driving around Minneapolis with a parking enforcement officer on the hood of his car.  Oh, and thanks for giving the Cowboys three Super Bowls because lord knows we never get sick of that fucking team.

Detroit Lions - You only exist to skew the strength of schedule stat of the rest of your division.  Did you even realize Barry Sanders was on your team in the 90’s?  None of your fans actually live in Detroit.  No one who lives in Detroit can afford tickets.  Two Words.  Wayne Fonts.  Two more.  Matt Millen.  While you’re at it you try drafting a WR once in a while.  Scott Mitchell is gonna be on the Biggest Loser.  There’s a joke somewhere in there.  Speaking of chubby QB’s.  Matt Stafford. 

Chicago Bears – Nice helmet. 

Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Warrren Sapp is a fat, wife beating drug addict who makes Keyshawn Johnson seem fun to be around.  Your team colors are blood and baby poop.  You fired Tony Dungy.  All your QB’s from the 70’s and 80’s became good just by leaving.  Tampa Bay smells like old people.  Your owners are corrupt tax dodgers.  Brad Johnson wins a Super Bowl and you cut him.  For a long time your uniforms were giant creamsicles.  I’d make derogatory remarks about more of your players but I can’t name any of them. 

Atlanta Falcons – Isn’t Atlanta the gang capital of the world?  How come you stopped having MC Hammer on the sidelines of games?  Your former QB murdered dogs.  How much did Eugene Robinson pay for that hooker the night before the Broncos kicked your ass in the Super Bowl?  Is your coach the love child of Ernest Borgnine?  How many alternate uniforms do you need?  Roddy White welches on bets until people make fun of him.  Your fans literally smell like bird shit.  Bobby Petrino.  

Our team is good.  We're just ugly

New Orleans Saints – You actually think winning the Super Bowl 9 years later helped people recover from Hurricane Katrina.  People in your city both vote and believe in voodoo.  Your owner sure is a fancy boy.  You traded every draft pick for Ricky Williams and then traded him a week later.  Drew Brees has poop on his face.  The Superdome has proudly hosted the most sexual assaults of any NFL stadium.  Archie Manning sucked.  You cheered when Wade Wilson was carted off the field.  He was on your team.  Most of your fans aren’t sure when football games are played.  Sean Payton is cheater along with most of your players.  

Carolina Panthers – Kerry Collins is a drunk.  You put Barry Foster on a billboard and then he never plays a game for you.  Didn’t one of your players pay to have his girlfriend killed so he wouldn’t have to pay child support for their unborn child?  Cam Newton was paid 6 figures in college.  Sounds like his Dad got most of that.  Sounds like a good home to be raised in.  Steve Smith has a Napolean Complex.  He’s your best player and only WR on the roster so of course you cut him.  Where exactly is Carolina?  Jimmy Clausen was a good pick.  Of all the places that brag about BBQ, yours is by far the worst.  You may have the ugliest uniforms in the league.  When you play in other cities no one wants to go.  Because you bore us.

San Francisco 49ers – You don’t get to go from Joe Montana to Steve Young.  Not without some people hating you.  Eddie DeBartolo is a mobster.  OJ plays for you then goes on to murder his ex and a waiter.  Coincidence?  Your city employ’s the highest number of people who hate sports anywhere in America.  Jerry Rice was a big baby who cried when he didn’t get the Disneyland commercial.  Ronnie Lott still has a finger where he said he had it cut off so he could play.  Bill Walsh wanted Steve Dils when they drafted Joe Montana.  For 20 years you dominated a division with no other teams in it.  Next to Kaepernick, Jeff Garcia is an attractive man.  And Kap’s tat’s are sweet.  And he totally doesn’t look like a douch with wearing an oversized ball cap.  Jim Harbaugh buys his pants at Wal Mart. 


 

Seattle Seahawks – You somehow managed to go from the team everyone could root for to the team everyone hates.  And that was after serial rapist Jerramy Stevens was let go.  Richard Sherman acts like an ass then calls everyone racist for thinking he’s an ass.  Your coach left his college program in shambles.  The only thing dumber than the nickname “Beast Mode” is the name Marshawn.  Your defense purposely cheats.  Your fan base actually thinks they are the 12th man.  It rains all the time.  Starbucks sucks.  Percy Harvin fakes headache’s to get out of practice.  Steve Largent was white.  Jim Zorn is a loser.  You have a boner for anyone who previously played for the Vikings. Warren Moon, John Randle, Bob Lurtsema, Nate Burleson, Sidney Rice, Percy Harvin, Kevin Williams and you even signed Tarvarus Jackson.  Twice.  You want Christian Ponder? Even one of your coaches used to work for the Vikings.  Now that you won a Super Bowl maybe your fans will act like they’ve been there.  Probably not.

Arizona Cardinals – It’s been a while since you relocated.  You gave the world Dan Dierdorf and there has to be a penalty for that.  Larry Fitzgerald may just be the ugliest human on the planet.  And Carson Palmer is a close second.  Who’s your coach?  Never mind.  Who cares.  Your owner had plastic surgery to make his cheeks always red and shiny.  It’s a dry heat.  Kurt Warners wife looks like a dude.  No one who isn’t a desperate loser marries someone who looks like she does and has as much baggage.  Remember Jake The Snake?  Buddy Ryan?  Winning Seasons?  No one else does either.  Why did you move to Arizona?  Easier to hire an undocumented grounds crew?  Denny Green was a good coach.  Your helmets are stupid too.

St. Louis Rams – Your whore former owner is a gold digger bitch.  You belong in Los Angeles.  Deacon Jones is ugly and smells bad.  Mike Martz looks like a pedophile.  If the NFL has an armpit it is the St. Louis Rams.  You know the object is to MAKE the playoffs right?  Someone needs to tell Jeff Fisher that Movember is only one month of the year.  Marshall Faulk is stupid.  You won a Super Bowl with a grocery store stock boy at QB.  Didn’t Tony Banks actually start for you for a couple of years?  Jim Everett.  I’d say something about Lawrence Phillips but he’d probably track me down and murder me so instead I’ll say “Good job beating up those children Larry!” 

Why Everyone Hates YOUR Team: An NFL Primer For 2014 - AFC

 

Gene Simmons attends a Raiders with FOON host *Rob Kern

New England Patriots - Your QB is too good and too good looking.  You're nothing but a bunch of cheating chowdah heads.  Your stupid helmets look like an arena league team and your owner was an Oompah Loompah.  Your previous owner sold razors and sexually harassed women.  And I don't think anyone in Boston knew you existed before Tom Brady.

Miami Dolphins - You pick on 300 pound losers.  You spend all your time masturbating to pictures of Dan Marino while wearing Isotoner gloves.  And fans in Miami are only fans when you win.  Way too close to Castro.  Your uniforms are stupid and Jacksonville has better attendance.  And your team picks on minorities with racist remarks about the wrong race. 

New York Jets - Unlovable losers.  Bad QB play seems to be Standard Operating Procedure.  They brought in Tim Tebow not in spite of the distractions, but FOR the distractions.  Your uniforms are fucking ugly.  And your biggest fan, Fireman Ed is a loser.  He actually thinks he's so important he needs to officially retire as Fireman Ed.  From the fans to the field you've made sucking an art form.  And I'm pretty sure Mark Gastineau beats women. 

Buffalo Bills - What the hell happened?  I can't remember the last time I knew who your coach or QB was.  

Pittsburgh Steelers - Well your QB rapes women in bathrooms.  And if that wasn't bad enough he pays off duty cops to keep any decent human from stopping it.  Terry Bradshaw was ugly.  Lynn Swann was gay. (Not the good kind) and Mean Joe Greene was a smelly asshole who thought throwing his dirty laundry at a kid was a sign of appreciation.  And when Troy Polamalu almost tackles someone it's not a great play.

Cincinnati Bengals - Are you still in the league?  How is it Marvin Lewis has been your coach for like a decade and I had to look his name up?  Your QB's smile scares little children.  And can he not afford a box of hair dye?  Icky Woods was never any good.  And thanks to you we have to see Cris Collinsworth FACE on Sunday Night Football games.  So thanks for that assholes.

Cleveland Browns - You treated Art Modell like a second class citizen then piss on his grave?  Your current owner is such a jerk Sam Walton's kids think he's insensitive to the plight of the working man.  You cheered when your own QB was carted off the field.  You draft Johnny Football and then act surprised when he acts like a dick hole.  The Dawg pound is just grown men with no chance of ever having sex.  And your team is in Cleveland. 

Baltimore Ravens - You belong in Cleveland.  No one wants to be in an elevator with any current or former Raven named Ray.  Ozzie Newsome sounds like he has Down Syndrome when he talks.  Your coach thinks missing two games for beating your wife is a good lesson for kids.  And you won a Super Bowl with Trent Dilfer.  Fuck YOU!

Indianapolis Colts – Your owner’s a druggie who likes to get shit faced before hitting twitter.  His Dad makes Art Modell look like the Pope.  For some reason having Peyton Manning for 15 years wasn’t enough so you end up Andrew Luck.  Who looks like a weasel by the way.  And is there a single white person at any of your games that isn’t cleaning the bathrooms? 

Tennessee Titans – Remember when you were the Houston Oilers and a respected franchise?  No one else does either.  Nice name by the way.  Real provincial.  What the fuck is a Titan?  Sounds like a virgin butthole.  Eddie George didn’t just average 4.1 yards per carry.  That’s exactly what he got every carry.  How do you leave Texas for the inbred hills of Tennessee?

Houston Texans – Clever name.  Hasn’t someone used it before?  Drafting David Carr worked out sweet.  The only good thing about giving Houston another franchise is it meant LA wasn’t going to get one.  Other than the pathetic punching bags who fill the stands, no one in Texas gives a shit about any team not named the Cowboys.  Picking on you is like picking on a retard. 

Jacksonville Jaguars – Does your owner know he looks like the result of Ron Jeremy and Geraldo Rivera mixing their man gravy together in some twisted artificial insemination?  And what’s with the two-tone helmet?  Someone challenged you to an ugly uniform contest?  Your team is worthless the only players I can even remember are Mark Brunell and ... Jesus.  That’s it.  And he was weird. 

Denver Broncos – Is there a dumber collection of sports fans outside of Denver?  They were actually upset that they chose Peyton Manning over Tim Tebow.  They won’t admit that now.  Maybe it’s the thin air but "smart guy" isn’t something you’ll think after meeting a Bronco fan.  And who designed their new helmets.  It looks like something from the custom uniform feature on Madden 2004.  The face of the franchise John Elway, looks like a horse.  Was drafted by the Colts and traded to the Broncos.  Coincidence?  Thanks to them we had to look at Mike Shanahan’s face for the last 15 years. 

San Diego Chargers – Anything that close to a Donkey Show can’t be worth it.  LaDanian Tomlinson was a cry baby pussy who never came through in big games.  They will always be featured in “Biggest Draft Bust” lists for the whole Ryan Leaf thing.  I'm embarrassed for them for representing the AFC in Super Bowl XXIX?  And how do you score 26 points and still lose by 23?  Just like the Jets they missed their ugly ass old uni’s so much they wear them full time now. 

Oakland Raiders – Just Win Baby!  Please. Sometime.  Most of the fan base are gang bangers. You’re more likely to see 12 people stabbed at a Raider game than they are to score 12 points.  Their kicker is a fat ass who spends his free time dropping molly and sticking glow sticks in his mouth.  They have made cheating an art and if it wasn’t for Al Davis’ hiring him I wouldn’t have the image of John Maddens hot dog fingers gripping a phalic looking microphone burned into my mind.  Everyone feels tough in Raider gear.  Thanks to NWA they also look like the kind of people who purchase unregistered weapons from a grown man sucking on a pacifier. 

Kansas City Chiefs – Do you like boring football?  Then the Chiefs have been your team for the last 5 decades.  When was the last time they were fun to watch?  Christian Okoye could get ya 1500 yards in a season.  He’d just need 600 carries.  I’m pretty sure a 49 year old Steve DeBerg had the most prolific season for a QB in Chiefs history.  Your coach spends his offseason hosting Wilford Brimley look alike parties.  Another fan base whiter than a box of Minute Rice.  Good move letting Jared Allen go. 



*Rob Kern is a co-host of the awesome music podcast From Out Of Nowhere   

Are Packer Fans The Worst Fans Ever?

The Urban Dictionary defines a Packer fan as: Someone who is a fan of the Green Bay Packers American football team. They are usually dumb and stump, inbred, drunk, disorderly, ugly, smelly, foul beasts.

 

There is a line between passionate fandom and moronic obsession.  And it’s about the size of Green bay Wisconsin.  Those of us who have saddled their allegiance to a team of a given sport know the ups and downs that come with giving of yourself emotionally to a billion dollar corporation that appreciates your support so much it has purposely priced you out of the arena they play in and threatened you and your fellow tax payers with demands that we make it easier for them to make money.  But we still do it.  And all sports have their rivalries and while some knuckleheads will actually debate the quality of their rivalry against yours, when you look at a group of fans objectively you realize that deep down, we are all quite the same.  We just chose a different jersey.  Well.  Except for one group of fans.  The Cheesheads.

Living in Minnesota we get a heavy dose of these pompous losers strutting around like Mossy Cade on parole.  And not just the two times a year that Minnesota and Green Bay play each other, the other 363 days as well.  These sociopaths lack the skill to separate anything in their life from tha Packahz.  Work, funerals, stopping for gas.  They are incapable of having a conversation that doesn’t somehow involve their beloved team.  Christmas parties.  Company picnics.  Weddings.  Funerals.  No place is safe.  They are like some kind of psychotic cyborg that sorts people based on the team they root for.  Then they dial up some fresh convo that references your team and the Packers and allows them to flash a smile that makes you wanna bash their face in with a sledge hammer.

“We don’t play indoors because we can handle the elements.”  (Followed by a punch me in the face grin)

“Dude.  Do we have to talk about this at my nephews baptism.”

And they have just one comeback to any rational attempt to change the subject.  You’re just jealous.

“Football season ended 4 months ago.  Maybe we can talk about something else.”

“You’re just jealous.” 

Their entire wardrobe can put into one of two categories.  Home and away.  They have Packer clothing for all occasions.  Formal wear (Paul Horning authentic jersey) to casual wear (Packer logo Hawaiian style shirt) and everything in between.  On a Wednesday night in Las Vegas I was amazed at the number of people I saw in Packer gear.  They can’t even go on vacation unless they can make sure complete strangers know they love the Packers.  The women look like they live in a bowling alley.  Revlon.  I beg of you.  Teach them about make up.  And God forbid you whip out a football during a picnic in the summer time or as the Shareholders call it.  Pre-Season.  Every pass they throw will be from Bart Starr or Lyn Dickey.  If you happen to drop a pass they’ll bring up the Monday night game when the ball bounced off Chris Dishman’s ass and into Antonio Freemans balls for a game winning TD.

One Lucky guy and the two hottest chicks in Wisconsin

They love their team so much you will see a couple hundred of them attend a Viking/Panthers game sporting their “nice clothes” throughout the Metrodome.  Instead of watching their beloved Packers, they will attend a different game just to show off the most expensive piece of clothing they own while complaining about the building they’re in.  And to puke in a urinal and pee in a sink.   

Every exchange will eventually lead to “How many Super Bowls have you won?”  I like trash talk but it has to be better than that doesn’t it?  “How many Super Bowls have you won?” is stupid on so many levels.  The first and most obvious is that as a spectator I watch Super Bowls I don’t win them.  But do these dipshit’s realize they are basically saying they wouldn’t be a fan of the Packers if they had never won a Super Bowl?  They are also the only fan base that counts the championships from the 20’s and 30’s when there were only 4 teams and players wore leather helmets.  Back then good players routinely turned down a job playing football professionally because they had a college education and could make more money doing anything else.

He owns the team.  Well, 1/5,000,000th of the team.

 

Despite the admission that they only root for the Packers because of their Championship’s they will tell you they support their team no matter what.  They didn’t tell you that from 1970 – 1993 but they will tell you.  And can we stop talking about Lambeau likes it’s the birthplace of Jesus.  It’s so fucking great that they played half of their home games in Milwaukee from 1953 to 1994.  If Lambeau is football Mecca, why play so many games over 4 decades in a different stadium?  Does it take that long to paint bleachers?  And surely the Greatest Fans on the earth don’t mind the 2 hour trip from Milwaukee to Green Bay 8 times a year.  

They are best fans ever.  Why?  Because they have decided that football will encompass their entire life?  Because they are willing to buy a worthless stock that is only sold to give the team money in exchange for nothing?  Because it never dawned on them that the “seats” at Lambeau field are identical to the ones at their high school?  After an almost $300 million in tax payer funded upgrades?  

They are smug delusional trolls who exist only to make football less enjoyable for others.  They have the fashion sense of a pig farmer and smell even worse.  The world is their toilet and they want you to know it.  But after a couple decades of dealing with these morons we finally got some payback. 

40,000 of “The Greatest Fans in the World” turned down the chance to buy playoff tickets.  An historic number in any town.  Now to be fair the Pack pretty much limped into the playoffs and it was going to be real cold.  The threat of the game not being televised loomed as the team was granted an extension to sell enough tickets to avoid a local television blackout.  In the end they were bailed out by some corporate sponsors buying the remaining 3000 tickets.  This happens all time… in other cities.  And there’s the crux.  This is only news because it happened in Green Bay.  It’s only news because they never have a hard time selling tickets.  They have a season ticket waiting list so long the estimated wait time is 700 years.  This is only news because for 20 years these smug pricks have talked about corporate ticket buys in other cities as examples of how they are better fans.  This is only news because they have been using the fact that these things never happen to the Packers as PROOF that they are the heartiest and greatest fans of any team anywhere.  It’s only news because of all the excuses, back peddling and whining that followed.  It was cold.  It was short notice.  It was right after the holidays and people are broke.  Reasons that Cheeseheads will say are irrelevant when disparaging a fan of any other team.  

Look at all the Cheeseheads tailgating before the game last Sunday.

The worst thing is there is no reaching them.  You need to rape the exhumed body of Vince Lombardi to wipe that smirk of their face.  Even as they are reading this they are preparing gems like “How many titles…”  and “You’re just jealous”.  They will try to twist everything I laid out as being upset over the outcome of a game.  IT WILL NEVER DAWN ON THESE HALF WITS I HAVEN’T MADE ONE COMMENT ABOUT THE ACTUAL TEAM!.  Alas the best way to beat criticism is to smile like you want your face shoved into the frozen tundra at Historic Lambeau field.  Go Pack Go!  Go wipe your ass with the toilet paper they told you was stock.  Enjoy the view from the owners box or as the rest of the world calls it, your couch.