Dammit KISS! You Owe Me!

I had planned on writing a blog detailing the many reasons KISS deserves the HOF induction.  But with the news of Gene and Paul being unwilling to play a few songs with Ace and Peter I just don’t feel like it.  First we find out Gene and Paul only want to play with the current band.  Then once word got out they decided not to play at all.  Bunch of fucking babies.  As a fan since 1977 I have become accustomed to the powers that be KISS kicking me in the nuts from time to time but something about this latest act is different.  It has weakened my passion for the band in a way that has never happened before. For the first time in my life I feel KISS has actually taken something that was mine. 

My allegiance and wallet have been taken for granted before.  From the overpriced KISStory 2 to Gene’s big mouth and stupid reality show.  And we all remember the treat to turn KISS into a contest that would replace every member of the band via that ridiculous Rock Star show.  But this, this is personal.  When you dressed up Tommy and Eric as Ace and Peter I didn't like it.  But I let go.  I figured it was your prerogative.  When you made me go to Wal Mart to buy that horrible album Sonic Boom.  I set aside my civic sensibility and went to Wal Mart.  When you followed it up with the equally as bad Monster I still bought it.  I figure I kind of have to at this point.  I have taken abuse from classmates, families, churches, teachers, musicians and gas station attendants just because I like your music.  I have stood by and watched Bruce Kulick, a guy with some ability, not even try to play a single Ace Frehley solo right.  All while looking like a six foot poodle.  I have given you all of this and never once asked for anything.  Looks like its time I did. I need you to do something for me.

Gene and Paul.  Tonight when you go home I want you to look around at all you have.  I want to look at your children and think how they and probably their kids will never have to actually work a day in their life. They’ll get to pursue their passions in a way you never could.  I want you think about how much that couch they probably live on costs. I want you think about how much of your money wife spent today. And then realize that it’s me, not you, who pays for those $700 jeans your child is wearing.  Don’t get me wrong. You worked for it.  You need not apologize for the wealth you’ve amassed.  You do need to appreciate it and where it came from.  Me.  And you can show your appreciation by setting aside your petty gripes with Ace and Peter for one night and play a couple of fucking songs together.  For the love of all things holy.  You won.  When will it be enough?  When you eat Ace and Pete’s first born?  You may have many reasons for not doing it but I have one reason for doing it that trumps them all.  Me.  The fan.  Do it for me. 

Ace and Peter.  You do realize this is partially your fault?  Now I know that it would stand to reason that an event like this, maybe the powers that be could set aside the hatred for a night and just celebrate what they accomplished with you. But you have put yourself in a position that an argument can be made to exclude you from a legacy that is truly yours.  I said it before.  Ace and Peter may have dug their own graves.  But Gene and Paul gave them the shovels and a map to the cemetery. 

And you Rock n Roll HOF.  You didn't think you were getting out of this did you?  You, more than any made this mess possible.  Had you done the right thing and put KISS in when they were first eligible in 1999 none of this would be happening.  All four of the original members were in the band at that time. None of this abuse of the fans would be going on right now.  You self righteously kept one of the two most influential rock bands in American history out of the HOF while making room for rap acts and country artists. Shame on you.  Something tells me your petty asses are enjoying this. Something tells me you wouldn't have it any other way.  You are a joke and always will be. 

It is now that I will remind you all that I am the self appointed Commissioner of Rock.  And as such I am entitled to make a ruling.  And it is as such.

1 – The Rock and Roll HOF will issue an apology to fans of music everywhere for being such dicks.  They will in detail list the merits of KISS’ induction to such a degree that they will be forced to admit they kept them out on purpose because they are said dicks.  They will commit to change and future voting will be made public.

2 – Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley will agree to play no more than three songs of my choosing at the induction ceremony.  They will play with Ace and Peter and whoever else they feel should share the stage with them.  No one will wear makeup.  They will then apologize to all of their fans for taking them for granted.  Then they will thank us for the nice house and buying their kids sweet clothes.

3 – Ace and Peter will graciously accept the invite to jam some tunes with whatever KISS alumnus Gene and Paul choose.  They too will apologize to the fans.  Because lets face it, they've been dropping deuce’s on us far longer than Gene and Paul.  It’s time everyone involved acknowledge the only victims here are the fans. 

All kidding aside, there are bands getting inducted the same night as you that don’t have the luxury of refusing to play the original lineup because some of it is dead.  Your all still alive.  It’s time to back up your words with action. Don’t do it because Ace and Peter want to.  Do it because I want you to.

(Disclaimer:  The use of the term “I” and "me" throughout was largely a metaphor for all KISS fans.  “I” didn’t personally buy Nick Simmons a pair of designer jeans.  I went in on a pair with a few million other people)

Nostalgia is like a dirty diaper.

The dream, the glory the loudness, make up, fire, some mediocre songs and TWO dudes w/ more facelifts than Carrottop. KISS and the drama of their induction to the Hall of Fame has become the sh*t show of the Rock industry and that's not saying a lot being it's the Rock industry. We all understand, they were a band, put on make up, wrote songs, sold dolls, blew fire, banged b*tches, took make up off but this should have gone away after 5 yrs at most. Now we approach the time of longevity and the inductions into the Hall. So you put in the time, changed out band members like tampons, and now it's the Gene and Paul show and who the like. My opinion is that they should've tried having a baby together. At the end of the day all I see is grown a$$ men arguing over whether they should "play" w/ each other then there's the question of make up or no make up. A little squirrely. The Gene and Paul self jerk. Go away Kiss, no one cares except for your fans whom you've duped for years on end. I don't think it has been about music for many years, no one wants your doll, or your clubs or your fata$$ in spandex. I hope to see these two f*cks box each other @ some point~MA

Can We Stop Calling It Bullying?

Bullying is back in the news as the NFL's independent report looking into the allegations of bullying involving members of the Miami Dolphins was submitted. In one corner you have the roid raging psychopath and alleged bully Richie Incognito and in the other you have the manifestation of Ferdinand the Bull in Jonathan Martin. I read through the juicy parts of the report and there's plenty of inappropriate behavior, before and after reading it I found myself thinking the same thing. How is this bullying?

When the tragedy at Columbine took place in 1999 there was almost no discussion about how the perpetrators Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold had been treated by classmates.  It actually felt like doing so was taboo.  Like trying to understand how these two could have been driven to such drastic measures would somehow justify their actions.  But as gun violence in schools became more common the call to stop bullying rose.  And like any problem being addressed by people with no real empathy or understanding on the matter, it has been horribly botched.  To the point where 300 pound, millionaire grown men can now claim to be the victim of a bully.  

When looked at honestly, bullying isn't just a problem because one jack ass has to be a dick.  It's a problem because those in authority have allowed it to exist.  They have done so by refusing to separate the bully from the victim. They have done so by making them equals.  How do you think the uncool kid who has been tormented for years just because of who he is feels when a teacher actually catches the bully in the act and merely says "You two.  Knock it off."?  You two?  The teachers and principals in schools lack any empathy for the victim.  They always have.  They are typically outsiders.  Either socially awkward nerds or greasy losers more obsessed with music and not bathing than they are with school. Teachers have largely ignored them as a problem that goes away with time. They feel no connection when they are tormented year after year for no reason.  And now we are asking them to solve the problem.  

So we have an anti bullying campaign that really just lumps any conflict into one category and in the process we have watered down what we actually consider bullying. Make no mistake.  Everyone attending school should feel comfortable walking down the hall between classes.  They should be able to focus on school.  But they don't have to get along with everyone and everyone doesn't have to be friends.  I think it's far more clear when someone is being bullied in school than those in charge will admit.  A blanket policy may be easier but its also ineffective.  Ask anyone who's actually been bullied and they will tell you.  There is no way Jonathan Martin has ever been a victim of bullying.  

He was a star athlete from an affluent family well before college. He attended the elite school Stanford where he starred on the football team before being drafted into the NFL.  He has been a popular athlete who has never had to want for a thing financially his entire life.  He is 6'5" tall and weighs over 300 lbs.  He may not have the mental capacity to endure the dynamic of an NFL locker room.  He may have even been the victim of workplace harassment.  But he has no idea what it feels like to be bullied. And apparently neither does anyone who's covering it.  If they did they wouldn't be tossing the term bully around.  This whole event has shown one thing.  We have a long way to go in getting rid of bullies.

For the record.  The only way to stop a bully is to send a message to him/her that is singular and strong enough to make them never want to do it again.              

Super Bowl For Us All - A Guide For The Rest Of Us To Choose A Rooting Interest

Like it or not the Super Bowl is a big deal and odds are tomorrow night you're going to find yourself in front of a TV watching.  And for those of us who actually follow an NFL team we more than likely will not be watching our team.  If you're not one of the dipshits that loves to regurgitate "I just watch for the copmmercials" every year, I am offering you a guide to pick who to root for.  In typical Snark fashion I will not be giving you reason to root for one team, but rather reasons not to root for either team.  Hope this helps.

Denver Bronco's.  

Look.  Peyton Manning is a freak of nature.  We get it.  But that doesn't mean everyone outside of Denver can't be sick of it and his stupid ass Papa Johns commercials.  It's like renting a Super Bowl trophy.  And are their worse human beings on the planet that the Gay bashing citizens of Colorado?  Could they be more white?  I'm pretty sure every non-white person in the Denver area plays for the Bronco's or the Nuggets.  Peruse the crowd at a Bronco game and it resembles a Mormon congregation.  And they are stupid.  Just a little over two years ago the morons who follow this team were anointing Tim Tebow the next John Elway.  They don't deserve anything.  They got two trophies at the end of Elway's career. Manning got one with the Colts.  His actual team.  Do they really deserve another?  These are the same phonies who inherited the Quebec Nordique's power house team and suddenly they became hockey fans.  Just a mass of horrible human beings walking around in those hideous North Face jackets.  

Seattle Seahawks.

Where do you start.  The coach is fucking cheater.  Ran a dirty program in college.  Left just as the school was being sanctioned by the NCAA to take more money to coach the Seattle Seahawks who have had the most PED suspension's since Slippery Pete took over the team.  Richard Sherman is a dick.  He spouts off like a retarded teenager.  Then apologizes. Not for what he said but for how the media covered it.  And speak of horrible fans.  I don't think this city was aware it had a football team before 2000.  Now they're the "12th Man!"  Fuck you.  You will find a smaller ratio of grown men dressed like it's Halloween at the psych ward at comic con.  And who the fuck designed their Jersey's?  They are actually worse the Bronco's.  It's like a sleeve of tennis balls vomited on the Boise State football field.  And Percy Harvin may just be the worst human being on the planet.  Considering that Warren Sapp and Keyshawn Johnson already have rings do we really want him to get one?  And what the fuck is a Seahawk?  It's not really a bird you know.

Jesus.  Why the fuck am I gonna watch the game.  Rooting for either team is like rooting for Satan.  It's like making a Star Wars movie with Darth Vader against The Emperor.  You know what.  Don't watch.  The commercials aren't worth it.  Fuck sports.  Fuck the NFL.  I'm done.  Until next season.

  

25 Albums Turning 25 That You Should Own (Or Your An Idiot)

1989 is considered a bit of a dead zone for music.  The year came and went without new music from heavy hitters like Def Leppard, Guns N Roses, Bon Jovi, Bruce Springsteen and Whitney Houston.  Even the surging thrash metal scene only saw an EP of mostly covers from one of it's Big 4 (Metallica, Slayer, Megadeth and Anthrax) with Anthrax's Penikufesin EP.  It was also the year Milli Vanilli released their now infamous debut record of music recorded by not them.  The New Kids were starting to peak, Debbie Gibson and Tiffany were making music for shopping, Michael Bolton was taking over the world with his neutored soul singing, Prince went instrumental for the Batman Soundtrack, Aerosmith continued down the path of mediocrity with Pump while Madonna released one of the most masturbated to music video's for her song Like A Prayer. So there is reason to loathe the music of 1989

But it was also a year of resurgence for artists like Alice Cooper who released the career resurrecting Trash and Cher was suddenly topical again with her album Heart of Stone and the song Turn Back Time (Another spank heavy video.)  The Rolling Stones came back to tour stadiums on their Steel Wheels Tour.  Underground artists like the B-52's and Red Hot Chili Peppers saw their first mainstream success with their songs Love Shack and Higher Ground respectively.  Paving the way for a future major shift in music from bands like Nirvana and Soundgarden who both released groundbreaking records in 1989. Mother Love Bone, the band that would largely become Pearl Jam, released their debut ep Shine in 1989.  All of which would create a path for huge success for bands like Green Day and the Offspring.  Both of which released their debut albums in 1989.

It also featured debut releases from the hair metal bands like Warrant, Dangerous Toys, Skid Row and Enuff Z'Nuff just a couple years before the sunset strip 80's metal scene became irrelevant.

Even suburban white boys had something to champion with releases from Tone Loc, Young MC and for those 18 and older 2 Live Crew.  

It also was the year of an album that is at least in the top 10 of most influential alums of all time with the debut from Nine Inch Nails, Pretty Hate Machine.  

So I made a list.  Below are 25 albums that everyone should have.  They all turn 25 this year meaning they can rent a car.  The list is in no order and I only used one criteria. They must be in my album collection.  I have over 50 records released in 1989 so I figured if I don't own it.  How good could it be. So I give you...

25 Albums You Must Own Or You Are An Idiot!!! (In no particular order.)  

    

White Zombie - Make Them Die Slowly

Accept - Eat The Heat

Ace Frehley - Trouble Walkin'

Badlands - Badlands

Black Sabbath - Headless Cross

Blue Murder - Blue Murder

Dangerous Toys - Dangerous Toys

Extreme - Extreme

Faster Pussycat - Wake Me When It's Over

Faith No More - The Real Thing

KISS - Hot In The Shade

L.A. Guns - Cocked & Loaded

Lenny Kravitz - Let Love Rule

Loudness - Soldier Of Fortune

Metal Church - Blessing In Disguise

Mother Love Bone - Shine

Motley Crue - Dr. Feelgood

Nine Inch Nail - Pretty Hate Machine

Primus - Suck On This

Sepultura - Beneath The Remains

Skid Row - Skid Row

Soundgarden - Louder Than Love

Tesla - The Great Radio Controversy

Testament - Practice What You Preach

W.A.S.P. - The Headless Children

Are Packer Fans The Worst Fans Ever?

The Urban Dictionary defines a Packer fan as: Someone who is a fan of the Green Bay Packers American football team. They are usually dumb and stump, inbred, drunk, disorderly, ugly, smelly, foul beasts.

 

There is a line between passionate fandom and moronic obsession.  And it’s about the size of Green bay Wisconsin.  Those of us who have saddled their allegiance to a team of a given sport know the ups and downs that come with giving of yourself emotionally to a billion dollar corporation that appreciates your support so much it has purposely priced you out of the arena they play in and threatened you and your fellow tax payers with demands that we make it easier for them to make money.  But we still do it.  And all sports have their rivalries and while some knuckleheads will actually debate the quality of their rivalry against yours, when you look at a group of fans objectively you realize that deep down, we are all quite the same.  We just chose a different jersey.  Well.  Except for one group of fans.  The Cheesheads.

Living in Minnesota we get a heavy dose of these pompous losers strutting around like Mossy Cade on parole.  And not just the two times a year that Minnesota and Green Bay play each other, the other 363 days as well.  These sociopaths lack the skill to separate anything in their life from tha Packahz.  Work, funerals, stopping for gas.  They are incapable of having a conversation that doesn’t somehow involve their beloved team.  Christmas parties.  Company picnics.  Weddings.  Funerals.  No place is safe.  They are like some kind of psychotic cyborg that sorts people based on the team they root for.  Then they dial up some fresh convo that references your team and the Packers and allows them to flash a smile that makes you wanna bash their face in with a sledge hammer.

“We don’t play indoors because we can handle the elements.”  (Followed by a punch me in the face grin)

“Dude.  Do we have to talk about this at my nephews baptism.”

And they have just one comeback to any rational attempt to change the subject.  You’re just jealous.

“Football season ended 4 months ago.  Maybe we can talk about something else.”

“You’re just jealous.” 

Their entire wardrobe can put into one of two categories.  Home and away.  They have Packer clothing for all occasions.  Formal wear (Paul Horning authentic jersey) to casual wear (Packer logo Hawaiian style shirt) and everything in between.  On a Wednesday night in Las Vegas I was amazed at the number of people I saw in Packer gear.  They can’t even go on vacation unless they can make sure complete strangers know they love the Packers.  The women look like they live in a bowling alley.  Revlon.  I beg of you.  Teach them about make up.  And God forbid you whip out a football during a picnic in the summer time or as the Shareholders call it.  Pre-Season.  Every pass they throw will be from Bart Starr or Lyn Dickey.  If you happen to drop a pass they’ll bring up the Monday night game when the ball bounced off Chris Dishman’s ass and into Antonio Freemans balls for a game winning TD.

One Lucky guy and the two hottest chicks in Wisconsin

They love their team so much you will see a couple hundred of them attend a Viking/Panthers game sporting their “nice clothes” throughout the Metrodome.  Instead of watching their beloved Packers, they will attend a different game just to show off the most expensive piece of clothing they own while complaining about the building they’re in.  And to puke in a urinal and pee in a sink.   

Every exchange will eventually lead to “How many Super Bowls have you won?”  I like trash talk but it has to be better than that doesn’t it?  “How many Super Bowls have you won?” is stupid on so many levels.  The first and most obvious is that as a spectator I watch Super Bowls I don’t win them.  But do these dipshit’s realize they are basically saying they wouldn’t be a fan of the Packers if they had never won a Super Bowl?  They are also the only fan base that counts the championships from the 20’s and 30’s when there were only 4 teams and players wore leather helmets.  Back then good players routinely turned down a job playing football professionally because they had a college education and could make more money doing anything else.

He owns the team.  Well, 1/5,000,000th of the team.

 

Despite the admission that they only root for the Packers because of their Championship’s they will tell you they support their team no matter what.  They didn’t tell you that from 1970 – 1993 but they will tell you.  And can we stop talking about Lambeau likes it’s the birthplace of Jesus.  It’s so fucking great that they played half of their home games in Milwaukee from 1953 to 1994.  If Lambeau is football Mecca, why play so many games over 4 decades in a different stadium?  Does it take that long to paint bleachers?  And surely the Greatest Fans on the earth don’t mind the 2 hour trip from Milwaukee to Green Bay 8 times a year.  

They are best fans ever.  Why?  Because they have decided that football will encompass their entire life?  Because they are willing to buy a worthless stock that is only sold to give the team money in exchange for nothing?  Because it never dawned on them that the “seats” at Lambeau field are identical to the ones at their high school?  After an almost $300 million in tax payer funded upgrades?  

They are smug delusional trolls who exist only to make football less enjoyable for others.  They have the fashion sense of a pig farmer and smell even worse.  The world is their toilet and they want you to know it.  But after a couple decades of dealing with these morons we finally got some payback. 

40,000 of “The Greatest Fans in the World” turned down the chance to buy playoff tickets.  An historic number in any town.  Now to be fair the Pack pretty much limped into the playoffs and it was going to be real cold.  The threat of the game not being televised loomed as the team was granted an extension to sell enough tickets to avoid a local television blackout.  In the end they were bailed out by some corporate sponsors buying the remaining 3000 tickets.  This happens all time… in other cities.  And there’s the crux.  This is only news because it happened in Green Bay.  It’s only news because they never have a hard time selling tickets.  They have a season ticket waiting list so long the estimated wait time is 700 years.  This is only news because for 20 years these smug pricks have talked about corporate ticket buys in other cities as examples of how they are better fans.  This is only news because they have been using the fact that these things never happen to the Packers as PROOF that they are the heartiest and greatest fans of any team anywhere.  It’s only news because of all the excuses, back peddling and whining that followed.  It was cold.  It was short notice.  It was right after the holidays and people are broke.  Reasons that Cheeseheads will say are irrelevant when disparaging a fan of any other team.  

Look at all the Cheeseheads tailgating before the game last Sunday.

The worst thing is there is no reaching them.  You need to rape the exhumed body of Vince Lombardi to wipe that smirk of their face.  Even as they are reading this they are preparing gems like “How many titles…”  and “You’re just jealous”.  They will try to twist everything I laid out as being upset over the outcome of a game.  IT WILL NEVER DAWN ON THESE HALF WITS I HAVEN’T MADE ONE COMMENT ABOUT THE ACTUAL TEAM!.  Alas the best way to beat criticism is to smile like you want your face shoved into the frozen tundra at Historic Lambeau field.  Go Pack Go!  Go wipe your ass with the toilet paper they told you was stock.  Enjoy the view from the owners box or as the rest of the world calls it, your couch.  

How I Would Fix The Vikings (An open letter to Rick Spielman)

The season is officially over for my beloved Vikings and I have decided to use this forum to break down how I would solve their woes.  Before I do let me share my credentials.  The only time I have participated in organized football of any kind was 7^th grade.  I was so bad they moved me from QB to guard.  The experience was so dreadful I wanted to quit but somehow convinced myself to stick it out.  Beyond that it’s been pickup games with friends and Madden.  I have however been turned down, in writing, for a coaching job with the Vikings that I wasn’t qualified for.  You can’t get turned down without being considered.  Right?    

While I’m clearly not an expert I can count the number of Vikings games I’ve missed since 1980 on both hands.  I think that level of torture gives one a certain perspective that can be useful.  So let’s fix our Vikings.     

Well they just fired the coach so I guess first thing you do is hire a new one.  Your last two coaches routinely seemed in over their head.  Childress was a jerk and stupid.  Frazier was a nice enough guy but was too willing to credit God for key decisions.  I got nothing against God and to each his own as far as faith.  I just think anyone capable of doing this job should have more than faith to guide the team and scheme game plans and such.  And if one thing should be clear, loving Jesus has no impact on football games.  This is a pretty elite gig.  I don’t care if he’s a calming presence on the sidelines or one of those guys who blows a vessel after every play.  Just don’t give Jesus all the credit.  Oh.  I guess it would be nice if they hired someone with head coaching experience at this level.

The new uniforms are terrible.  Especially the matte helmet.  If you insist on keeping the jersey’s with those stupid numbers that are supposed to be Viking ships at least go back to a shiny helmet.  They look like they are covered in a layer of frost.  And while I like the purple pants by my tally they have never won a game in them.  They probably are bad luck.  Ditch em.

Sign Jared Allen.  I don’t give a shit how much it takes it’s all monopoly money at this level.  Cap schmap.  You found $20 million to get Favre off the tractor a week before the season started in 2010 you can scrape together whatever it would take to keep one the teams most popular players.  He’s getting old. He’s not as productive blah blah blah.  They are certain instances when it’s worth keeping an aging player around.  You blew it with Matt Birk a few years ago.  And he went on to win a Super Bowl with Baltimore.  Don’t let Jared see what kind of interest is out there.  Let him know now not later that he is a Viking.       

Then you need a QB.  But again.  No one too religious.  Religion is for positions that don’t require intelligence.  Pretty much anything but QB or Coach.  Ponder was slightly less religious than Tim Tebow and ergo a slightly better QB.  Correct me if I’m wrong I don’t recall Bret Favre thanking God after games.  Coming from the south you know he goes to church.  We don’t need some religious nut leaving his understanding of a playbook in God’s hands.  An NFL QB knows the Playbook is the most important book in his life.  And he’s banging everything that moves in his down time.  Not rushing to Wisconsin mid season for a secret wedding to a woman he’s never seen naked.

That’s about it I think.  Oh yeah.  Get some better defensive players. You can send my Super Bowl ring the the SATM office’s.