Five Songs Paul Stanley Insists Upon Us

By any measure Paul Stanley has been at the very least a prolific song writer.  By most measures he has been a great songwriter.  He often gets pigeonholed as a one trick pony who writes rock n roll sex anthems and while he has written plenty of them he’s also responsible for timeless rock songs like Black Diamond, God Of Thunder, and Detroit Rock City.  He may be the inventor of the power ballad with the dreadful tune Hold Me, Touch Me from his 1978 solo album and Rap Metal with the underappreciated All Hells Breaking Loose.  While he’s had a couple of flat out bad songs (My Way) he’s also responsible for what is quite possibly the greatest marriage of lyric and melody with the song C’Mon and Love Me.  Anyone who listens to the first verse and doesn’t become erect is deaf. 

But for about 5 years starting somewhere around 1979 KISS albums started to include a new style of Paul Stanley song.  They weren’t ballads by any definition but the sure as hell didn’t rock either.  At first appearance they seem like a regular hard rock song but it soon becomes clear that these songs require one to stop and listen to properly absorb.  They insist upon themselves.  And they are no fun to listen to.  They sound as if they were intentionally recorded without energy or passion.   

Filler songs have existed since the album era pushed out the single’s era.  I don’t think these songs are filler.  I’ve always gotten the vibe that Paul was quite proud of these songs as most of them have appeared in a setlist for at least one tour.  They all tell a story.  It’s almost as if Paul awoke one day and wanted to be the Hard Rock Springsteen.  I’ve dubbed these songs Snore Rock.  So in chronological order, here are the 5 songs the Paul Stanley insists upon us.

Sure Know Something - This was originally released on Dynasty.  But kind of to my point I had no idea.  When I got KISS Killers in 1985 I assumed it was one of the new songs recorded for that worthless release.  And I owned Dynasty.  Sure I was only 9 when I got it but I remembered every other song on that record.  Even Dirty Livin made an impact.  But not this song.  It tells the story of man who may appear naïve in the world of banging chicks.  But he’s not.  He has been up and down and all around and had his heart broken.  He then goes on to self medicate his broken heart with lots of sex.  You may think that description describes a song you’d like to hear.  It doesn’t. 

Keep Me Coming – This comes from Creatures of The Night which is otherwise a great record.  Here he tells the story of an young innocent girl trying to make it in a big city.  Paul decides to help break out of her shell by having crazy sex with her.  The melody and music, like all of these songs, scream background music.  They offer the same level of songwriting acumen as the guy supplying the serious tones in an episode of Law & Order. 

 

Get All You Can Take – This testament to Snore Rock comes courtesy the album Animalize.  After songs about sexing with chicks and partying this is probably Paul’s most recurring topic when writing lyrics.  The us against them and we don’t need them mantra.  People are always looking at him wherever he goes as if they wonder what the hell’s wrong with him.  But he doesn’t care about their rat race.  After all with all their rules it’s a race for fools that he can never win.  It starts with a similar riff as Keep Me Coming and equally boring.    

Thrills In The Night – Also off of Animalize.  They did the listener a favor by not putting them together in the song sequence.  Having to hear them back to back would probably bring on early onset Alzheimer’s.  This song tells the story of a woman who during the day, by all appearance seems like a regular girl working a 9-5 job.  But there’s a woman that nobody see’s living inside.  So at night, surprise, she’s a fucking whore.  This song was played for most of the Animalize tour in what I assume was to give people more time to buy a t shirt or take a piss.   

Who Wants To Be Lonely – They actually made a video for this piece of shit.  They should’ve called this Who Wants To Listen to this fucking song.  In his book Paul made mention that Gene was mailing it in at this point.  Just going through the motions when it came time to write songs.  Not giving it his all like Paul was.  And this whole album suffers from the Bruce Kulick effect but if this is Paul giving it his all, and Anyway You Slice It is Gene half assing it then Paul should be looking to Gene for songwriting tips.  Honestly I’m trying to remember the lyrics to this but I keep ending up with a mish mash of Keep Me Coming and Thrills In The Night.  All I can muster up without listening to it is the dreadful chorus with the whiny Woooah oooah oh oh.  Just thinking about this song has me making an appointment with a therapist.

So there you go.  5 songs that Rock and Roll Hall of famer Paul Stanley insists upon us.  And Paul, you’ve shown a willingness to admit to some misfires.  Anytime you talk about the Elder you seem to wince.  You may not initially agree but search your feelings.  You know I be right.  But I forgive you Starchild.  You have written some of my favorite and in my humble opinion some of the greatest rock songs of all time.  But these songs are torture and need to be placed in a vault labeled songs that should never be heard again.  Someday you will understand.  Someday you will thank me.         

Why GMA Is Bad For Your Brain

Good Morning America recently welcomed the addition of Michael Strahan to its morning newscast.  This came after a flurry of change as underrated Sam Champion left for the Weather Channel.  He was replaced by bubbly Ginger Zee who was making the move from weekend weather girl.  Overrated Josh Elliot split for a gig talking sports for NBC.  And apparently left in such a manner the ABC news president refused him the opportunity to say goodbye to his fans.  He was replaced by Amy Robach.  And then for what seems to be no reason they announced the promotion of Lara Spencer to co-anchor. 

WE NEED MORE PENIS

Strahans first day on the job opens with a camera shot of a ridiculously crowded table of talking heads.  So how do they start the show?  By kicking the first 4 stories to 4 additional talking heads deemed not worthy of  seat at the grown ups table.  Meaning for this broadcast they had 10 people give us 4 news stories.  Hmmmm (checking my math)… that’s .4 stories per head.  That’s fucking stupid and kind of hard to watch.  Now there are people with ratings and market research who will tell me I’m wrong and while they may be right, I’m definitely not wrong.

I am aware that GMA is far from hard hitting news.  In fact it’s a good gauge for when something that was once cool no longer is simply by appearing on their show.  (Viral videos.  Gene Simmons.)  But it is still classified as news.  Why does the American public need to be distracted to enjoy news?  Why would we ever feel the need to tweet what we’re watching?  Why do we think the news is better when it’s starts with dialogue like this.

George:  Good morning America.  I’m George Stephanopoulos.  And this is Robin Robinson.  Good morning Robin.

Robin:  Good morning George and good morning America.  We’re pleased to welcome Michael Strahan to our panel of teleprompter readers.  Good Morning Michael.

Strahan:  Good morning Robin.  Good morning George.  Good morning America.  I’m happy to join the show.

George:  Fucking great to have ya!  For our first story.  We have more unsubstantiated speculation regarding that plane that crashed into the ocean somewhere.  For that we’re gonna kick it to Michelle Franzen who has no actual news to report.

Franzen:  Good morning George.  Good morning Robing.  Good Morning Michael.  Good morning America. 

AHHHHHH!

Lets dissect. 

When Sam Champion left the logical replacement was Ginger Zee.  She had been working the weekend weather for sometime is perfectly fine to look at and seems capable of putting together complete sentences.  Never mind that the weather is the biggest waste of time on any news channel the fact is people wanna see it so someone’s gotta do it.  Might as well be her. 

Then Josh Elliot is suddenly gone.  Off to add his specific brand of unoffensive opinion in an all sports format for NBC Sports.  The nerve.  This was apparently out of nowhere as he was not given the heroes send off that Sam Champion received.  He was replaced by the almost gender neutral Amy Robach.  No longer would she be one of people stories were kicked to.  She gets a seat at the big table. 

Now this move had a ripple effect.  Longtime weekend story teller Ron Claibourne who is also… black, had to be miffed that someone with less seniority and less skin pigment be chosen for the job he’s been doing on the weekends for years.  My suspicions on this were enhanced when the weekend edition of GMA had Dan Harris speaking of ole Ron as if her were the pope (Did you know Josh Elliot met the pope?) as they lead into a story about his magnanimous contribution to underprivileged youth in his home town.  What did Pope Ron do for these ne’r do well rapscallions to help put them on the straight and narrow?  He showed them how to do his job.  That’s right.  You too can read words on a screen.  Stay in school kids.

The next ripple came in the wake of Lara Spencer’s new title.  Now she has always given her job of covering celebrities too much importance, but why call her a co anchor?  But was there really a need for a title bump?  Friday of this tumultuous week had Robin out and instead of sliding newly anointed co-anchor Lara into her chair, they kept her off to the side and had Amy Robach sit in the spot typically reserved for Robin.  In what seemed like an effort to placate Lara she was given one of the shows first “serious” stories.

And why bring in Strahan?  I think after all the changes the producers realized something.  There’s only one man left on the show.  It’s unfortunate that so many female candidates were so qualified to replace outgoing cast members. “We need more penis!” shouts one the producers.  “Get me Strahan.  He’s got a penis!”    

Outside of George and Amy, everyone on the show has a hard time not coming off phony or self important.  Ginger wants the world to know she is not just a pretty face former cheerleader.  She’s an enthusiast of extreme weather.  Or more aptly, Xtreme weather.  Lara is the most logical choice to replace Josh in the arena of putting one’s self into a story.  And anytime some team wins a championship of some sort it seems they are from Robins home town.                 

Why does any of this matter?  Well it largely doesn’t.  But it does.  They have promo clips of cast members sneaking up on unsuspecting fans.  Fans?  Of a talking head?  They only thing that should matter for TV news on camera talent is to be easy to look at and the ability to form sentences while speaking clearly.  It is an extremely unimportant job and the idea that there are actual human brains that consider themselves fans in nauseating.  And look.  Just because there job is meaningless doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be compensated.  And it doesn’t mean anyone could do it.  (Almost anyone.) But aren't we passed the idea that being on TV is important? 

If ESPN decides they need 18 former jocks sitting on stools in a row to properly cover the Super Bowl, while just as ridiculous, it matters less as there is no pretense of importance.  While GMA isn’t hard hitting investigative journalism they do mix in a lot of serious news that affects the lives of Americans.  And to treat it like a gong show?  Why do we care how many people tell us the news?  Can’t the person anchoring the show also do the stories?  Would fewer people watch? 

Alas GMA is just a microcosm of how bad it’s gotten.  We need a hashtag superimposed in the lower corner of the screen so we can live tweet what we think about something we read on the news scrawl scrolling across the bottom of the screen while we digest live coverage of flooding in Alabama. 

What if... Kanye West Is Retarded?

Warning:  The following article uses the word “RETARD” for comedic purposes.  If you find that offensive, reading any further is a sign you are willing to go out of your way to be offended.  Which probably means deep down you like it.  Your loins burn for this kind of thing.  Don’t fucking email us telling us how offensive this article is.  We know and you are a dick.  

Kanye West.  The name alone brings many different images.  Asshole.  Douchebag.  Self-absorbed blowhard with a messiah complex.  While there has been plenty of discussion about his antics I wanted to take a look at why he’s this way.So this week we ponder… what if Kanye West has Down Syndrome?

It’s important to the theory that you let that sink in a bit.  While you do that I’ll explain why it’s at least a possibility.

Let’s start with who he is.  Kanye is clearly a prideful person.  He carries himself with purpose.  He loves his mother.  And he is very impressed with the things he has to say.  I could see how a guy like him would be ok fucking a girl like Kim Kardashian.  But why date her?  Why have a baby with her?  Why marry her?  Why buy her 10 Burger Kings?  It’s almost as if he doesn’t totally understand who she is.  He does know she has fucked a lot of guys right.  And that most of the country has seen her have sex.  Think of the biggest slut you know.  Now imagine how a retard would feel about her being his girlfriend.  It wouldn’t bother him a bit.  Cause he’s retarded.  He would feel no shame or loss of dignity telling everyone he loves her.  A retard wouldn’t know any better.  Search your feelings.  You know it to be true.

Have you ever noticed his arms are kinda short for his body?  Or that his head is a bit bulbous?  I don’t say this to be mean to those who suffer from Down’s Syndrome but those are common characteristics no?

He named his kid a pun and I’m pretty he still doesn’t get it.  I know every celebrity insists on giving their baby a stupid name.  While it’s self serving and kinda mean, they feel it’s unique and creative.  But when your last name is West and you name your child North.  That’s a certain level of stupid.  The kind of stupid that is inappropriate to call “stupid” if you know what I mean.

He sure seems prone to violent outbursts with minimal provocation.  Do you remember Mary’s brother Warren in the movie Something About Mary?  One minute he seems happy and content.  But you get too close to his ears and he’s a fist of rage.  Remind you of any awkwardly proportioned rappers? 

Lastly let’s look at some quotes old Yeezus has spewn over the years. 

“I hate when I’m on a flight and I wake up with a water bottle next to me like oh great now I gotta be responsible for this water bottle.”

“I don’t even listen to rap.  My apartment is too nice to listen to rap in.”

“Visiting my mind is like visiting the Hermes factory.  Shit is real.”

“Fur Pillows are actually hard to sleep on.”

“I’m not a fan of books.  I would never want a books autograph.”

Now, imagine the person saying all those things was retarded.  They don’t seem so out of place.  They kind of sound like something a retard would say. 

Occam’s Razor.  Often times the simplest explanation is the correct one.  Can you come up with a simpler explanation for why Kanye is the way he is?  Simpler than he’s retarded?  Remember when he walked on stage in the middle of Taylor Swifts acceptance speech at the MTV VMA’s?  Better yet.  Go to youtube right now and watch it.  And while you watch it, think of Kanye as a mentally disabled American.  Go ahead I’ll wait… 

I KNOW RIGHT!  

So what if he is retarded?  We should be heralding him.  We should use him as an example of how those who suffer from Down’s Syndrome can more than contribute to our world.  They can brighten it with horrible rap.  If my theory is correct he has to be the most successful retarded person since Gerald Ford. And that should be embraced and celebrated.  Not driven to violent outbursts in airports.   Cheers to you Kanye.  You big retard you.