Kanye Is So... Kanye. SATM Reads GQ

GQ did a cover story on SATM Man Of The Year so you know we gotta read it.  See, we actually love Kanye.  He is as entertaining as he is stupid.  This article is chock full of Kanye-ism’s. 

How can someone do a sympathetic article on someone who is so unsympathetic? (Unless you believe my Kanye is retarded theory.)  The interviewer comes across as someone who wants to be invited to Kanye’s parties.  Don’t get me wrong.  If Kanye invited SATM to one of his parties I can guarantee the entire staff, all three of us, would show up early and stay until we were kicked out.  But we’re not gonna pretend Kanye isn’t Kanye to get there.  And might I add that not one time was he asked about being named SATM MOY nor did he ever bring that up or talk about all of the support he’s given us.  Below are our snippets of Kanye Gold.  You can read the whole interview here.  Here are our highlights.

Regarding seeing the paparazzi everywhere he goes:  “I hope we don’t see no paparazzi today because I’m still getting acquainted with these jogging pants I threw on.”

On the video of him walking into a sign:  “It’s difficult.  And then put on top of that the idea of going and taking meetings with people and they say ‘We don’t want to work with you because we saw you get mad about walking into the sign’”

Regarding… fuck if I know:  “There’s no fangs.  I don’t have fangs.  I’m a porcupine.  I’m a blowfish.  Like, I’m a – what’s the fish that blows up?”  (There’s a fishdick joke in there somewhere.  Good call South park)”

Regarding a report that said one hour before his wedding he didn’t like the bar so he started sawing it in half:  “Were they involved with anything last year that was culturally significant as the Yeezus tour or that album?”

On the importance of him and Kim being celebrities:  “Yes, we are celebrities, but yes, we’re also innovators, we’re also thoughtful.”

Regarding always being on his toes:  “I’m fighting with the way I line up my words together and the way I place a sweater on top of a T-shirt.”

He says this jem of knowledge:  “God flowing through us and us being little baby creators and shit.”

He continues his assault on books:  “When a kids falls in love with a plane or a bike or a dinosaur it’s not because of the book the sibling was reading.  It’s like, fuck, you mean to tell me that dinosaur’s walked the earth and stuff like that?”

More wisdom (He seems to have a think about planes and dinosaurs):  “That’s just as cool as a fucking fighter jet or a dinosaur!”

Regarding his influence on fashion:  “I guarantee you I’m more than 50 percent responsible for every pair of shoes Balenciaga sell.”

On how it’s actually harder to be a rapper or a reality star than an actor:  “When you’re a reality star or a rapper, you are the film”

Regarding finding time to record a new album:  “Then I’m like, I have to work on Addidas and be with my child.”

And then this:  “But what makes me happy is land and we’re on a boat right now”

And this:  “I don’t like walking around with people thinking I’m doing uncool shit.”

And there’s more.  He quotes the movie Step Brothers to make some fucking point about dinosaurs.  He refers to Kim as his dinosaur.  He says we’re all mad at Kim because she basically conned boys in school to do her homework for her and she got better grades than people who actually tried.  And if that’s true than you can add that to the list of reason’s people hate her.  He predicted he’d have a daughter and he wished he would’ve made an official record of that creative genius shit (his words) he could’ve then bragged to all of us that he called that one.  50/50 odds there Kanye. 

While we may not have a raison d'être (look it up genius) without Kanye I found myself a little sad for him.  He reminds me of the kid in school who was never in on the joke.  Picking on him is starting to seem mean.  I got a feeling that deep down he’s a genuine person.  He’s just not very bright.  He confuses fashion shows with being educated.  He somehow feels he can have no cultural significance without being a designer.  He doesn’t appear to have a genuine appreciation for his wife or an understanding of parenthood.  Considering his marriage is a joke and his kid will be raised by nannies it’s probably not a real concern.  So instead of feeling sorry for Kanye I’m gonna be happy such a special man has accomplished so much.  Look at you go Kanye.  You’ve never read a book you didn’t write and you still get invited to fashion shows.     

83 Hard Rock Bands Better Than Kings X

As I promised in the brilliantly written blog Most Overrated, Underrated, Bands Of All Time in response to the revelation that Kings X came in at 83 on VH1's list of greatest hard rock bands of all time, I would write a blog listing 83 hard rock bands better than Kings X.

Opening for Jesus Chrysler.  Check that off the bucket list

The thing is.  Kings X isn't a bad band.  They are just overrated.  And yes, 83rd place on a stupid TV show poll designed to fill airspace is overrating them.  For the purpose of being scientifical and obnoxious I did it in alphabetical order. Once I got to 83 I had only reached Megadeth.  M.  Halfway through the alphabet. One could logically deduce that there may be as many as 166 bands better than Kings X.  I doubt they are anybody's short list.  It also means they were spared the indignity of Nickelback appearing on this list.  Anyway.  Here you go.  83 hard rock bands better than Kings X.  In alphabetical order.    

1) AC/DC
2) Accept
3) Alice In Chains
4) All That Remains
5) Anthrax
6) Atreyu
7) Audioslave
8) Autograph
9) Bad Company
10) Badlands
11) Black Label Society
12) Black Flag
13) Black Sabbath
14) Blue Oyster Cult
15) Body Count
16) Bon Jovi
17) Bonfire
18) Britny Fox
19) Brother Cane
20) Buckcherry
21) Bullet Boys
22) Candlebox
23) Cheap Trick
24) Chickenfoot
25) Chimaira
26) Cinderella
27) Coal Chamber
28) Alice Cooper
29) Corrosion Of Conformity
30) The Cult
31) D.A.D. 
32) Damn Yankees
33) Damageplan
34) Danzig
35) Deep Purple
36) Death Angel
37) Def Leppard
38) Dio
39) Dokken
40) Donna's 
41) Doro

You sure all these bands are better than us?

42) Down
43) Drowning Pool
44) Extreme
45) Exodus
46) Faith No More
47) Fight
48) Flotsam and Jetsam
49) Flipp
50) Foo Fighters
51) Four Horseman
52) Frehley's Comet
53) Fu Manchu
54) Garbage
55) Ghost
56) Godsmack
57) Goldfinger
58) Great White
59) Guns N Roses
60) Sammy Hagar
61) Helmet
62) HIM
63) Hurricane
64) Jimmy Hendrix
65) Husker Du
66) Janis Figure
67) Jesus Chrysler
68) Judas Priest 
69) Keel 
70) Kid Rock
71) King Diamond
72) KISS
73) KIX
74) Lenny Kravitz
75) LA Guns
76) Lamb Of God
77) Led Zepplin
78) Love/Hate
79) Loudness
80) Lynch Mob
81) Lynyrd Skynyrd
82) Manowar
83) Megadeth

Kim Kardashian's Mouth Wasn't Made For Talking

Some people truly don’t deserve all they have. 

 

Exhibit A:  Anyone named Kardashian.  Less of a family and more of a Reality TV Whorehouse the stupid just oozes out of them.  Recently Kim was seen pushing Baby Stupid Name around in a stroller while showing the inside half of her rack in a ridiculous tit baring ensemble that one would put on before putting a couple glow sticks and some Molly in their clutch.  Being Kim K, people noticed, took pictures and commented.  And one of those comments for some reason came from Pespi CEO Indra Nooyi‘s.  She just said you can’t have it all when you’re a mother.

 

Being a complete out of touch moron who has zero appreciation for how cake her life really is, Kim felt compelled to comment.  So this week I thought it’s be fun to break down Kim’s “comeback” to what she interpreted as criticism.

“I mean, I think

 

I know right?

 

that’s just not really like a positive outlook and for me, like my mom kind of taught us girls that we could have it all. 

 

As long as she get’s 10%

 

You know, she works hard.

 

Since when is agreeing to whore your daughter out to foreign tyrant billionaires hard work?

She taught us that if you work hard, it’s just all about prioritizing and I think that, yeah, it could get tough and after you have a baby, there are so many times when I just didn’t want to get up and work

You can’t be serious.  Work?

on something and I just wanted to be home with my baby,

You know… what’s his name.  Oh that’s right.  He’s a girl.  Anyway…

 

but, you know, for me, and I think I can speak for my sisters, it makes us feel good when we are out working and we can provide something for our friends and products that, you know, we can’t find that we really want.

Like a morning after pill that is also a handbag

And it just makes you feel productive. So if anyone really feels like they can’t do it all, I feel like it’s a little bit discouraging to say that, even if I couldn’t and it wasn’t possible, I would try. And I would, you know, try my best to do it all."

Your Nanny’s know your full term abortion better than you. 

 

Dear Kim.  You need to shut up.  Your mouth wasn’t made for talking. 

 

Sincerely, Snark At The Moon

Five Albums You Never Heard That You Should... Jerkface!

I’m an album guy.  A great song is a great song but a great album is a life changer.  If you have AC/DC’s You Shook Me in your mp3 player but have never heard the album Back In Black from beginning to end I can comfortably say your life has been a waste up to this point.  A great album has a flow.  It is littered with peaks and valleys.  It takes you on a journey.  Be it a concept album like Queensryche’s Operation Mindcrime or just the perfect sequence of sleazy rock like Guns N Roses Appetite for Destruction a great album is more than the sum of its parts. The songs by themselves suffer without the bookends of the album it’s from.  The idea of cherry picking a song off an album like Pink Floyd’s the wall is retarded.

There are plenty of iconic classic albums in every genre.  But to the more sophisticated ear there are also great albums with less of an iconic status.  Often times these hidden gems aren’t given a chance because they break the stereotype of what we perceive a given band to be.  For many the name Black Sabbath instantly conjures up the image of Ozzy.  And when people think of KISS they aren’t likely to think of dark brooding lyrics about emotions.  But why let our own preconceptions rob us of an enjoyable experience?

So I came up with 5 albums that you probably haven’t listened to but definitely should.  For this category I limited myself to bands that have at least one all time iconic masterpiece you must have sex with your hand at least once while listening to before you die album.  The reason being there are soooo many bands you’ve never heard of who have released brilliant records.  It would be difficult to limit myself to 5.  Also the albums I picked were all critical and commercial flops. 

Black Sabbath – Eternal Idol.  As much as Ozzy leaving left the future of Sabbath in the air, it was really Dio’s departure that started roller coaster that became Sabbath in the 80's.  I had a hard time choosing between this record and 1983’s Born Again.  The fact that I’m not sure there is a more obscure record by a band on this list made me go with Eternal Idol.  After being forced by Warner Bros. to release his solo album Seventh Star under the moniker of Black Sabbath, Tony Iommi thought the next album should be more Sabbath-y.  And man did he come through.  This album is loaded with riffs straight off of Lucifer’s taint.  You can actually feel the devil stealing your soul while listening to this record.  It is the first Sab album to feature Tony Martin on vocals and it's the best.  Sadly by this point Sabbath was largely viewed as a real life Spinal Tap.  Tony Martin was at least the fourth singer since Ian Gillan left in 1983 and of those four only two managed to make a record.  One’s that were released anyway.  This heaping slab of metal holds its own with ANY Sabbath record.   Key tracks:  The Shining, Nightmare and The Eternal Idol    

 

Guns N Roses – Chinese Democracy.  This album is to rock as the Hughes H4 Hercules is to aviation.  Rumors circulating for over a decade.  A guitarist recording his parts in a make shift chicken coop.  Talk that there was actually no usable music.  Axl Rose had gone Brian Wilson and was just madly whittling away.  It became a term one would use to describe something that would never be completed.  By the time it was released it was largely ignored because people who would’ve cared were now 13 years older and had kids and mortgages and shit like that.  Which is too bad because it’s a brilliant album.  And of course many were turned off by the idea that a band that only featured Axl Rose was calling itself Guns N Roses.  But the record really delivers.  Today we confuse polished production as teen pop recorded with generic presets that make everything stay in time and sound in key.  Chinese Democracy is about as produced a record as you can find.  It’s slick production is actually part of its brilliance.  You can hear each note being recorded.  No matter how good the music or production is this record will never get a fair shake and that’s too bad because if you haven’t given this record an open ear then you are really missing out.  Key Tracks:  Chinese Democracy, If The World and Sorry   

 

KISS – Carnival Of Souls.  Rocking all nite after partying every day takes its toll on you after 20 years.  Right smack in the middle of grunge’s brief dominance KISS made a cash grab and called it Carnival Of Souls.  They hired grunge guru Toby Wright to produce, tuned down their guitars and started writings songs about their dead friends and being so filled with hate they have actually become the embodiment of it.  This was clearly an example of a band who needs a mirror to see their greatest days taking a stab doing what the newer and cooler kids were doing.  To be fair, the grunge movement offered KISS their first taste of mainstream acceptance.  Whereas in the 80’s KISS’ contemporaries’ found it “un-cool” to have been influenced by KISS, grunge seemed to contain at least one proud member of the KISS Army.  That said they were dangerously close to becoming a club band in 1995 so they made a run at doing the music that was popular at the time.  It's not classic KISS.  But it’s fucking awesome.  They may have been faking it to an extent but what they came up with is a great album.  The only miscue was letting Bruce Kulick sing a song.  Also, hindering any chance people would ever hear this record, KISS shelved it before its release to reunite with original members Ace Frehley and Peter Criss and embark on a make-up slathered reunion tour.  When they finally dumped this on the public a couple years later they didn’t even bother putting a real album cover on it.  Too bad though.  Cause it kicks ass.  Key Tracks: Childhoods End, I Will Be There and Master & Slave     

Judas Priest – Turbo.  At least now it’s ok to call this album gay.  After a decade of defining what Heavy Metal meant and releasing back to back monstrous metal masterpieces with Screaming For Vengeance and Defenders of The Faith Judas Priest decided to take a stab at using synthesizers.  Which of course made most of their fans commit suicide.  I get how some view this as a betrayal on the level of Metallica cutting their hair but take a moment and listen to the record.  It’s really fucking good.  I suppose Rob Halford could sing the obituary section and it would sound metal but this record has some great music on it.  Sure it’s a little slicker than you expect from Priest but so what.  Metal guys are too touchy about shit like this.  Quit eating that hot dog sideways Beavis and just listen without prejudice.  Key tracks:  Turbo Lover, Locked In and Out In The Cold    

Han Halen – 3.  If Van Halen had a red headed step child its name would be 3.  Before we knew Eddie was the one who was bat shit nuts and not those crazy singers, he kicked Sammy Hagar out of the band because Sammy wasn’t enough of a team player to leave his wife’s side hours after welcoming a child into the world to help pick tracks for a greatest hits album.  He filled Sammy’s spot in the band with perfectly capable Gary Cherone known mostly for his work with Van Halen clone Extreme.  Pretty much hated before its release Van Halen 3 never had a chance.  It’s the little record that couldn’t.  Eddie was forced to reunite with Dave, then Sammy and then Dave again.  The lack of “nice things” said about this record must’ve taken its toll on Eddie as aside from scoring a porno, he hasn’t released any “new” material since.  But this record is good.  It’s at least as good as its predecessor Balance.  If not great.  I promise.  There is some great music on here.  And the record just flows.  But you don’t care do you.  You just got Van Halen all figured out don’t you.  (Insert whiny voice) “Oh.  I didn’t know that was Gary Cherone singing.  I don’t like because I’m a fucking cunt wad with no taste.”   This record and Chinese Democracy are the two records I can’t seem to find or convince anyone of their brilliance.  Two words.  Your loss.  Key tracks:  One I Want, Dirty Water Dog and Ballot or the Bullet. 

Perception.  Lack of promotion.  A change in the music scene.  The bottom line is don’t let something like who’s in a band make it so you miss out on an otherwise great album.  Unless that guy is Myles Kennedy then by all means.  That guys voice just makes me want to peel the skin off my penis.  What are you thinking Slash?    

Most Overrated, Underrated, Bands of All Time

How do you define Underrated?  The dictionary says: underestimate the extent, value, or importance of (someone or something). Ok.  Then what is the value of a musician or band?  Record sales and butt’s in the seats seems a fair judge.  Influence is another factor.  So if someone were to say Eric Clapton was underrated they would be stating that more people should be:  Buying his records.  Going to his concerts.  Acknowledging his influence.  (I use Slowhand solely as an example.  I don’t know that many would consider him underrated.)  But when we say someone or something is overrated are we really putting it in that perspective?  Or are we just saying it because no one likes someone we like.  OR, are you just a pompous ass who thinks everyone else is too stupid or Neanderthal to truly “get it”?  Parameters have been set!  I give you my list of:

 

THE MOST OVERRATED UNDERRATED BANDS OF ALL TIME!

(In no particular order) 

 

Kings X – I’m not sure what happened first.  I became aware of Kings X or I became aware that Kings X were a vastly underrated band.  It seems to be part of any conversation regarding this band.  But exactly how are they underrated.  Their songs have a weight to them.  Listening to them is kind like sit ups for your ears.  And if their tone was a drink it would be a martini.  An extremely dry martini.  Sure they're top notch musicians but talent has never been key to success.  And if you are gonna be a "musicians" band then you are limiting your fan base considerably.  Take a band like Rush.  They aren’t for everyone but they still manage a sizable following.  I use Rush because I think it’s fair to assume anyone who doesn’t like Rush, wouldn’t or doesn’t like Kings X.  And most Rush fans don’t listen to Kings X.  If anything they are overrated.  6 studio albums on a major label and not one went gold and only twice did they crack the top 100.  They were given more rope than their success would dictate.  They wanted the exposure bands like Poison and Warrant got but insisted on having a singer with a Mohawk and a guitar player who purposely made his guitar tone annoying.  It’s fine if you don’t want to play the game but don’t bitch because no one gets you.  After reading their bio they should change their name to Despite Critical Praise.  VH1 listed them as the 83^rd greatest hard rock artist of all time.  Look for my future blog to be titled “83 Hard Rock Bands Better Than Kings X”.

 

 
 
 
John Prine – He’s not Jimmy Buffet and he’s not Bob Dylan.  He’s also not good.  Sure he's got a Grammy or two but for the kind of Grammy they don't televise.  In the unlikely event you actually run into one of his fans, don’t ask “Who’s John Prine?”  Not if you any other plans that day anyway. 

 

 

Gary Moore – If Eddie Van Halen looked like Gary Moore I got a feeling most of us would’ve never heard Eruption.  Gary Moore will always be the Irish Ronnie Montrose.  The Bruce Kulick of the Blues.  He was a fine guitar player with plenty of chops and he may have influenced a few guys to play guitar but he couldn’t influence anyone to buy his records.  He was in Thin Lizzy twice and wasn't a founding member.  His career is full of gaps and style changes.  When your claim to fame is being a replacement player in a two hit band and you are constantly in the middle of an identity crisis, you are probably not going to reach the level of fame and success that Gary Moore managed.  Which is why he is anything but underrated.     

 

 

 

 

Saxon – Is there any chance that there is someone who would like Saxon that doesn’t already?

 

 

 

 

 

KIX – My sister is gonna kill me for this one but she didn’t even get into the band until 4 years after they broke up so fuck her.  (I didn’t mean that sis.)  If hair metal was a Saturday morning cartoon it would be called Kix.  Rumor has it Poison’s entire stage show was stolen from Kix.  But since Poison is vastly overrated, that’s not a sign of greatness.  This band is just goofy.  Named after a breakfast cereal.  The bass player and principal songwriter was like 90 years old in their heyday.  The singer sings with a lisp.  One of the guys is named Jimmy Chocolate or something fucking stupid like that.  Even their ad’s in Circus magazine in the 80’s made you wonder if they were actually a real band.  I admit I like some of their songs but more as a guilty pleasure.

 

 

 

UFO/Michael Schenker – Well this one may give Eddie Trunk an aneurism but fuck UFO.  Hard Rock isn’t meant to be this boring.  Their “classic” stuff actually has a musty smell when you listen to it.  And who hasn’t been in this band?  They have so many former members they actually formed a band and called it X-UFO.  None of the guys in this traveling tribute to bore rock are original members.  And the most famous member, Michael Schenker, was the fourth guitarist they had.  And Michael Schenker is the Gary Moore of hard rock. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You wanna know what underrated is?  From 1986 – 2000 Michael Jordan never played in a game that wasn’t sold out.  Cities with horrible teams that no one wanted to see play would sell out to see MJ.  And during that time he missed a total of 7 games.  UFO has more former members than MJ had sick days.  How many people do you know miss only 7 days of work over 15 years?  He made over a billion dollars for Nike as an endorser and the NBA’s TV contracts more than doubled over his career.  Million dollar shoe contracts were tossed at any rookie with the gamble they may have the next MJ on their hands.  While he made himself retardedly wealthy, the majority of the money he made went to other people and entity’s.  He made something like 25 million dollars his last season with the Bull’s and that was a bargain for the team.  That is underrated. 

 

    

Your Father Loved You... He Just Didn't Like You.

My Dad wasn’t always sure what to do with me.  I was a typical kid who loved playing games and anything that involved being outside.  And while I liked sports and Ice Cream.  I also liked hard rock music.   And a band called KISS was the center of that universe.  While my Dad was religious he never showed any concern with me accidentally worshipping the devil.  But I still wouldn’t call him supportive of my desire to rock.  More, support by not stopping me. 

 

He never seemed all that interested.  But then nobodies dad did.  You either had super strict parents that wouldn’t let you do anything but go to school and church or you had typical parents who would let you scrape your knees and put a few bumps in your head while they talked with other adults about grown up things.  Most everyone I grew up with had to go to church and we all got in trouble if we got grass stains on our church clothes.  And when one of our parents took us to a KISS concert it wasn’t for their enjoyment. 

 

The modern Dad seems intent on making sure their kid is raised liking the same things they did.  An AC/DC or KISS concert is something they feel their child needs to experience before it’s too late.  Too late for what?  They have to make you watch Star Wars because it’s awesome.  I touched on this in my last blog.  All of things you got into or enjoyed from your childhood or even into your teens and 20’s.  Would they have better if your Dad were just as into it as you were?  Would you want your Dad playing the role our friends did when we were kids?

 

Before you answer lets ask a couple of questions.  Why does the modern dad feel it necessary to share Star Wars with his son?  Bonding?  A chance to relive their childhood?  That’s probably what “they” will tell you.  But while the second is probably more true than the first I think there is a subliminal reason festering in the brain of the modern parent.  The myth of a loving father.

 

For some reason (TV) my generation seems to be the first that felt Dad didn’t love them enough.  We wanted Mike Brady and got Archie Bunker.  The world is full of 40 year old men who promised they would be more involved in their child’s life.  From cutting the umbilical cord to attending Comic-con.  They will leave work for little league games and make sure they know how much daddy loves them.  At any cost.  Which in turn has filled the world with 20 year olds who think the start time of their shift at Target is more of a guideline.  And it’s no coincidence that music has stopped evolving because of it.  We have immersed ourselves so deep into our children’s lives they have no organic path of finding anything new, including music, so they listen to what their parents listen to. 

 

Starting with Elvis there has been a sizeable shift in music approx. every 5-7 years.  By in my analysis (I am the Commissioner after all) there hasn’t been on since 1998.  Every form of popular music, pop, country, hard rock and metal, has become more formulaic than at any time.  And with streaming becoming more and more popular it will become even less likely the next great thing will ever be heard.  Everything is heading toward monthly fees and contracts.  Soon your toaster will need an internet connection and a signed user agreement to warm up a bagel.  And it’s this generations fault.  And therefore, their parents fault for raising apathetic slugs who don’t want anything and are devoid of any real inspiration.  They just want their parents to continue to pay for their smart phone.   

 

Discovery might be the single most important part of growing up.  It’s not just about having a favorite band or creating fond memories.  It’s what teaches us not to run in itch weed.  And it’s what makes us seek out more of what we love and less of what we hate.  It’s how we develop life skills like cognitive reasoning, time management and trouble shooting.  It makes us think and that develops our brains.  And with that it’s the parents job, NAY!  It’s their sworn duty to allow that to happen as organic as possible.  Now I’m not suggesting we go back to a time when the father smoked cigarettes in the waiting room while mom spent 36 hours squeezing you out (yes I am), but something closer to form of parent that raised us. 

 

It’s time my generation cut our Dad’s some slack.  They did a better job raising us than we’re doing with our kids.  Most of us have fond memories of our fathers and moments we bonded.  Are we so narrow that we can only bond with our kids if it involves OUR interests?  Is it really the role of a parent to be friends with their children?  Or should we walk behind them to help when they fall?  Let your kids discover music and movies and so many other things on their own.  Let them find their own Star Wars.  Their own band.  Let them have their own fond memories to share when they are older.  I promise some of them will be of you.  You are their Dad.  And by God once they turn 16 make em' pay for their own cell phone.  Teach em’ some fucking responsibility for fucks sake.  Happy Father’s Day.  Now fuck off.    

Review - Paul Stanley: Face The Music A Life Exposed or... It Must Be NIce To Eat Swordfish Whenever You Want

So now every member of KISS has officially written a book.  Or at least had help writing a book.  I’ve read Gene’s (Look at all the famous people I have in my rolodex.)  Then Ace’s (Girls are attracted to me.  And my penis is big.)  Then came Peter’s (Paul’s gay, Elton John wanted me to drum for him and my penis is bigger than Ace’s.)  And lastly we have Paul’s. 

 

If you suspect Paul went last intentionally.  Reading his book will confirm it.  Paul has touted his book as a story about overcoming obstacles.  And I suppose it is but it’s rings a little whiny considering the largest obstacles in life he overcame by his late 20’s.  But discusses them into his late 50’s.  He was lonely.  His wife never seemed impressed with how awesome he was.  Gene is selfish.  At about the 300 page mark you just feel like Paul needs to hang out at more KISS conventions because it seems the only thing his life is missing is constant praise. 

 

One thing becomes clear right quick.  He’s also got it in for Peter.  He pulls no punches with Gene either but his criticisms of Gene seem more honest and legit.  His problem with Peter seems personal.  And considering Peter said he caught Paul giving Ace a blowjob in his book, it may be deserved.  But that doesn’t make it true.  I’ve seen Peter in KISS and I can tell you as recently as the Farewell Tour he was able to play drums and he could sing an entire song without help.  From the beginning Paul talks of Peter as someone who could barely face the proper direction behind a drum kit much less play it, he couldn’t sing without constant coaching and was a dumb illiterate complainer.  For someone who has pretty much projected an air of taking the high road throughout his career, this seems petty.  That said, Paul has dealt with gay rumors his entire adult life.  And to have a former member of your make that same claim would make many of us retaliate. 

 

And speaking of being gay.  Paul spends too many words on the girls he banged.  I get it.  You had sex with chicks who were hot.  I got enough of that in Ace's book.  And while I found Paul's book the most revealing look into the inner workings of KISS, he also comes off as disingenuous at times.  He claims Eric Carr stopped talking to him on the Hot In The Shade Tour and never knew why.  Those of us who have spent our lives following this little band called KISS know this is bullshit. 

 

But in the end he sounds like someone who’s pretty much got everything anyone would ever want.  Fame, money, family, abs of steel and an Arena Football League team named after himself.  And who doesn’t want to own a restaurant with Gene Simmons?  At the end of his book I was left with one thought that will stick with me…

 

It must be nice to eat Swordfish whenever you want