Wednesday, March 26, 2014

What if... Kanye West Is Retarded?

Warning:  The following article uses the word “RETARD” for comedic purposes.  If you find that offensive, reading any further is a sign you are willing to go out of your way to be offended.  Which probably means deep down you like it.  Your loins burn for this kind of thing.  Don’t fucking email us telling us how offensive this article is.  We know and you are a dick.  

Kanye West.  The name alone brings many different images.  Asshole.  Douchebag.  Self-absorbed blowhard with a messiah complex.  While there has been plenty of discussion about his antics I wanted to take a look at why he’s this way.So this week we ponder… what if Kanye West has Down Syndrome?

It’s important to the theory that you let that sink in a bit.  While you do that I’ll explain why it’s at least a possibility.

Let’s start with who he is.  Kanye is clearly a prideful person.  He carries himself with purpose.  He loves his mother.  And he is very impressed with the things he has to say.  I could see how a guy like him would be ok fucking a girl like Kim Kardashian.  But why date her?  Why have a baby with her?  Why marry her?  Why buy her 10 Burger Kings?  It’s almost as if he doesn’t totally understand who she is.  He does know she has fucked a lot of guys right.  And that most of the country has seen her have sex.  Think of the biggest slut you know.  Now imagine how a retard would feel about her being his girlfriend.  It wouldn’t bother him a bit.  Cause he’s retarded.  He would feel no shame or loss of dignity telling everyone he loves her.  A retard wouldn’t know any better.  Search your feelings.  You know it to be true.

Have you ever noticed his arms are kinda short for his body?  Or that his head is a bit bulbous?  I don’t say this to be mean to those who suffer from Down’s Syndrome but those are common characteristics no?

He named his kid a pun and I’m pretty he still doesn’t get it.  I know every celebrity insists on giving their baby a stupid name.  While it’s self serving and kinda mean, they feel it’s unique and creative.  But when your last name is West and you name your child North.  That’s a certain level of stupid.  The kind of stupid that is inappropriate to call “stupid” if you know what I mean.

He sure seems prone to violent outbursts with minimal provocation.  Do you remember Mary’s brother Warren in the movie Something About Mary?  One minute he seems happy and content.  But you get too close to his ears and he’s a fist of rage.  Remind you of any awkwardly proportioned rappers? 

Lastly let’s look at some quotes old Yeezus has spewn over the years. 

“I hate when I’m on a flight and I wake up with a water bottle next to me like oh great now I gotta be responsible for this water bottle.”

“I don’t even listen to rap.  My apartment is too nice to listen to rap in.”

“Visiting my mind is like visiting the Hermes factory.  Shit is real.”

“Fur Pillows are actually hard to sleep on.”

“I’m not a fan of books.  I would never want a books autograph.”

Now, imagine the person saying all those things was retarded.  They don’t seem so out of place.  They kind of sound like something a retard would say. 

Occam’s Razor.  Often times the simplest explanation is the correct one.  Can you come up with a simpler explanation for why Kanye is the way he is?  Simpler than he’s retarded?  Remember when he walked on stage in the middle of Taylor Swifts acceptance speech at the MTV VMA’s?  Better yet.  Go to youtube right now and watch it.  And while you watch it, think of Kanye as a mentally disabled American.  Go ahead I’ll wait… 


So what if he is retarded?  We should be heralding him.  We should use him as an example of how those who suffer from Down’s Syndrome can more than contribute to our world.  They can brighten it with horrible rap.  If my theory is correct he has to be the most successful retarded person since Gerald Ford. And that should be embraced and celebrated.  Not driven to violent outbursts in airports.   Cheers to you Kanye.  You big retard you. 

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