Why Everyone Hates YOUR Team: An NFL Primer For 2014 - NFC

How do you lose to me?

Are they still here?

Dallas Cowboys – Arrogance and mediocrity.  Your owner is a creepy old man.  Porn Stars choke less than your QB.  Despite the fact that both your team City (Dallas) and name (Cowboys) are about as provincially specific as you can get, you call yourself America’s team.  Cowboy fans think we’re all just jealous but in reality were ALL just sick of bad football getting such consistent national coverage.  Call us when you’re most current talking point doesn’t include Troy Aikman.

New York Giants – Why is it both teams in New York insist on throw back uniforms?  And why does New York City have two teams?  Neither one has played in New York state much less the city for well over two decades.  The Giants are the NFC’s answer to the Kansas City Chiefs.  Boring.  LT is a coke head rapist pedophile.  Phil Simms looks like a piece of plastic.  And what did you do to make Eli Manning so sad?

We'll always be buddies

Philadelphia Eagles – If the Giants are the NFC’s answer to the Chiefs, then the Eagles fans are the NFC version of Raider fans.  Uncontrolled dipshits who drink too much and start fights.  They act like they are huge Eagles fans but they spend more time with their bookie than they do watching their stupid team  Michael Vick drowned dogs so naturally once he was out of prison you had to sign him.  Your current coach looks like the type of guy you see in a parked car near a park with a pair of binoculars.  And your running back likes to go by the nick name of Shady.  I’m sure he's been in a nightclub with a handgun in his pants before. 

Washington Team – That’s right.  Not even us morally questionably staffers at SATM are willing to say your stupid teams racist name.  RG3 is ugly and his hair is stupid.  Your owner tried to sell mattresses at the stadium.  Joe Theisman is a cranky old turd.  Joe Gibbs sold his likeness to mad magazine.  Men in their 50’s attend games in dresses while wearing pig noses.  What the hell is that all about?  You were mean to Brad Johnson.  At one time Deion Sanders was on your team.  Chris Cooley is instagramming dick pics as you read this.  And Dan Snyder is wrapping up a meeting Satan.  You are the worst team in the last decades worst division.  And because fuck you.

Green Bay Packers – Theeeeee dumbest gathering of chuckleheads who call themselves fans.  The combined IQ in the stands of Lambeau is rarely higher than the temp.  It’s a good thing it’s owned by the fans because no one stays in Green Bay.  Not if they have a choice.  Your fans are called Cheeseheads.  Why?  You are so undesirable the man you treated like a king, Bret Favre, couldn’t wait to leave just so he could come back and beat your ass.  Your stadium smells like a cocktail of various bodily fluids and the seats are used bleachers from high schools that have renovated.  For the better part of 50 years half your games or more were played in Milwaukee.  Meaning people would rather go to Milwaukee than Green Bay.  The crowd at Lambeau is more inbred than the Westboro Baptist Church parish.  

As it was fortold

Minnesota Vikings – Remember when losing 4 Super Bowls was your crowning achievement.  Those were the days huh?  You seem to insist that Adrian Peterson’s career draws a parallel with Barry Sanders.  You actually kept Brad Childress from becoming the coach of the Packers.  Let that one sick in dipshits.  You somehow managed to make the Bears the Packers biggest rival.  Bryant McKinnie.  Fred Smoot.  Sex Boat.  Mike Tice scalping Super Bowl tickets.  Randy Moss driving around Minneapolis with a parking enforcement officer on the hood of his car.  Oh, and thanks for giving the Cowboys three Super Bowls because lord knows we never get sick of that fucking team.

Detroit Lions - You only exist to skew the strength of schedule stat of the rest of your division.  Did you even realize Barry Sanders was on your team in the 90’s?  None of your fans actually live in Detroit.  No one who lives in Detroit can afford tickets.  Two Words.  Wayne Fonts.  Two more.  Matt Millen.  While you’re at it you try drafting a WR once in a while.  Scott Mitchell is gonna be on the Biggest Loser.  There’s a joke somewhere in there.  Speaking of chubby QB’s.  Matt Stafford. 

Chicago Bears – Nice helmet. 

Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Warrren Sapp is a fat, wife beating drug addict who makes Keyshawn Johnson seem fun to be around.  Your team colors are blood and baby poop.  You fired Tony Dungy.  All your QB’s from the 70’s and 80’s became good just by leaving.  Tampa Bay smells like old people.  Your owners are corrupt tax dodgers.  Brad Johnson wins a Super Bowl and you cut him.  For a long time your uniforms were giant creamsicles.  I’d make derogatory remarks about more of your players but I can’t name any of them. 

Atlanta Falcons – Isn’t Atlanta the gang capital of the world?  How come you stopped having MC Hammer on the sidelines of games?  Your former QB murdered dogs.  How much did Eugene Robinson pay for that hooker the night before the Broncos kicked your ass in the Super Bowl?  Is your coach the love child of Ernest Borgnine?  How many alternate uniforms do you need?  Roddy White welches on bets until people make fun of him.  Your fans literally smell like bird shit.  Bobby Petrino.  

Our team is good.  We're just ugly

New Orleans Saints – You actually think winning the Super Bowl 9 years later helped people recover from Hurricane Katrina.  People in your city both vote and believe in voodoo.  Your owner sure is a fancy boy.  You traded every draft pick for Ricky Williams and then traded him a week later.  Drew Brees has poop on his face.  The Superdome has proudly hosted the most sexual assaults of any NFL stadium.  Archie Manning sucked.  You cheered when Wade Wilson was carted off the field.  He was on your team.  Most of your fans aren’t sure when football games are played.  Sean Payton is cheater along with most of your players.  

Carolina Panthers – Kerry Collins is a drunk.  You put Barry Foster on a billboard and then he never plays a game for you.  Didn’t one of your players pay to have his girlfriend killed so he wouldn’t have to pay child support for their unborn child?  Cam Newton was paid 6 figures in college.  Sounds like his Dad got most of that.  Sounds like a good home to be raised in.  Steve Smith has a Napolean Complex.  He’s your best player and only WR on the roster so of course you cut him.  Where exactly is Carolina?  Jimmy Clausen was a good pick.  Of all the places that brag about BBQ, yours is by far the worst.  You may have the ugliest uniforms in the league.  When you play in other cities no one wants to go.  Because you bore us.

San Francisco 49ers – You don’t get to go from Joe Montana to Steve Young.  Not without some people hating you.  Eddie DeBartolo is a mobster.  OJ plays for you then goes on to murder his ex and a waiter.  Coincidence?  Your city employ’s the highest number of people who hate sports anywhere in America.  Jerry Rice was a big baby who cried when he didn’t get the Disneyland commercial.  Ronnie Lott still has a finger where he said he had it cut off so he could play.  Bill Walsh wanted Steve Dils when they drafted Joe Montana.  For 20 years you dominated a division with no other teams in it.  Next to Kaepernick, Jeff Garcia is an attractive man.  And Kap’s tat’s are sweet.  And he totally doesn’t look like a douch with wearing an oversized ball cap.  Jim Harbaugh buys his pants at Wal Mart. 


 

Seattle Seahawks – You somehow managed to go from the team everyone could root for to the team everyone hates.  And that was after serial rapist Jerramy Stevens was let go.  Richard Sherman acts like an ass then calls everyone racist for thinking he’s an ass.  Your coach left his college program in shambles.  The only thing dumber than the nickname “Beast Mode” is the name Marshawn.  Your defense purposely cheats.  Your fan base actually thinks they are the 12th man.  It rains all the time.  Starbucks sucks.  Percy Harvin fakes headache’s to get out of practice.  Steve Largent was white.  Jim Zorn is a loser.  You have a boner for anyone who previously played for the Vikings. Warren Moon, John Randle, Bob Lurtsema, Nate Burleson, Sidney Rice, Percy Harvin, Kevin Williams and you even signed Tarvarus Jackson.  Twice.  You want Christian Ponder? Even one of your coaches used to work for the Vikings.  Now that you won a Super Bowl maybe your fans will act like they’ve been there.  Probably not.

Arizona Cardinals – It’s been a while since you relocated.  You gave the world Dan Dierdorf and there has to be a penalty for that.  Larry Fitzgerald may just be the ugliest human on the planet.  And Carson Palmer is a close second.  Who’s your coach?  Never mind.  Who cares.  Your owner had plastic surgery to make his cheeks always red and shiny.  It’s a dry heat.  Kurt Warners wife looks like a dude.  No one who isn’t a desperate loser marries someone who looks like she does and has as much baggage.  Remember Jake The Snake?  Buddy Ryan?  Winning Seasons?  No one else does either.  Why did you move to Arizona?  Easier to hire an undocumented grounds crew?  Denny Green was a good coach.  Your helmets are stupid too.

St. Louis Rams – Your whore former owner is a gold digger bitch.  You belong in Los Angeles.  Deacon Jones is ugly and smells bad.  Mike Martz looks like a pedophile.  If the NFL has an armpit it is the St. Louis Rams.  You know the object is to MAKE the playoffs right?  Someone needs to tell Jeff Fisher that Movember is only one month of the year.  Marshall Faulk is stupid.  You won a Super Bowl with a grocery store stock boy at QB.  Didn’t Tony Banks actually start for you for a couple of years?  Jim Everett.  I’d say something about Lawrence Phillips but he’d probably track me down and murder me so instead I’ll say “Good job beating up those children Larry!” 

Why Everyone Hates YOUR Team: An NFL Primer For 2014 - AFC

 

Gene Simmons attends a Raiders with FOON host *Rob Kern

New England Patriots - Your QB is too good and too good looking.  You're nothing but a bunch of cheating chowdah heads.  Your stupid helmets look like an arena league team and your owner was an Oompah Loompah.  Your previous owner sold razors and sexually harassed women.  And I don't think anyone in Boston knew you existed before Tom Brady.

Miami Dolphins - You pick on 300 pound losers.  You spend all your time masturbating to pictures of Dan Marino while wearing Isotoner gloves.  And fans in Miami are only fans when you win.  Way too close to Castro.  Your uniforms are stupid and Jacksonville has better attendance.  And your team picks on minorities with racist remarks about the wrong race. 

New York Jets - Unlovable losers.  Bad QB play seems to be Standard Operating Procedure.  They brought in Tim Tebow not in spite of the distractions, but FOR the distractions.  Your uniforms are fucking ugly.  And your biggest fan, Fireman Ed is a loser.  He actually thinks he's so important he needs to officially retire as Fireman Ed.  From the fans to the field you've made sucking an art form.  And I'm pretty sure Mark Gastineau beats women. 

Buffalo Bills - What the hell happened?  I can't remember the last time I knew who your coach or QB was.  

Pittsburgh Steelers - Well your QB rapes women in bathrooms.  And if that wasn't bad enough he pays off duty cops to keep any decent human from stopping it.  Terry Bradshaw was ugly.  Lynn Swann was gay. (Not the good kind) and Mean Joe Greene was a smelly asshole who thought throwing his dirty laundry at a kid was a sign of appreciation.  And when Troy Polamalu almost tackles someone it's not a great play.

Cincinnati Bengals - Are you still in the league?  How is it Marvin Lewis has been your coach for like a decade and I had to look his name up?  Your QB's smile scares little children.  And can he not afford a box of hair dye?  Icky Woods was never any good.  And thanks to you we have to see Cris Collinsworth FACE on Sunday Night Football games.  So thanks for that assholes.

Cleveland Browns - You treated Art Modell like a second class citizen then piss on his grave?  Your current owner is such a jerk Sam Walton's kids think he's insensitive to the plight of the working man.  You cheered when your own QB was carted off the field.  You draft Johnny Football and then act surprised when he acts like a dick hole.  The Dawg pound is just grown men with no chance of ever having sex.  And your team is in Cleveland. 

Baltimore Ravens - You belong in Cleveland.  No one wants to be in an elevator with any current or former Raven named Ray.  Ozzie Newsome sounds like he has Down Syndrome when he talks.  Your coach thinks missing two games for beating your wife is a good lesson for kids.  And you won a Super Bowl with Trent Dilfer.  Fuck YOU!

Indianapolis Colts – Your owner’s a druggie who likes to get shit faced before hitting twitter.  His Dad makes Art Modell look like the Pope.  For some reason having Peyton Manning for 15 years wasn’t enough so you end up Andrew Luck.  Who looks like a weasel by the way.  And is there a single white person at any of your games that isn’t cleaning the bathrooms? 

Tennessee Titans – Remember when you were the Houston Oilers and a respected franchise?  No one else does either.  Nice name by the way.  Real provincial.  What the fuck is a Titan?  Sounds like a virgin butthole.  Eddie George didn’t just average 4.1 yards per carry.  That’s exactly what he got every carry.  How do you leave Texas for the inbred hills of Tennessee?

Houston Texans – Clever name.  Hasn’t someone used it before?  Drafting David Carr worked out sweet.  The only good thing about giving Houston another franchise is it meant LA wasn’t going to get one.  Other than the pathetic punching bags who fill the stands, no one in Texas gives a shit about any team not named the Cowboys.  Picking on you is like picking on a retard. 

Jacksonville Jaguars – Does your owner know he looks like the result of Ron Jeremy and Geraldo Rivera mixing their man gravy together in some twisted artificial insemination?  And what’s with the two-tone helmet?  Someone challenged you to an ugly uniform contest?  Your team is worthless the only players I can even remember are Mark Brunell and ... Jesus.  That’s it.  And he was weird. 

Denver Broncos – Is there a dumber collection of sports fans outside of Denver?  They were actually upset that they chose Peyton Manning over Tim Tebow.  They won’t admit that now.  Maybe it’s the thin air but "smart guy" isn’t something you’ll think after meeting a Bronco fan.  And who designed their new helmets.  It looks like something from the custom uniform feature on Madden 2004.  The face of the franchise John Elway, looks like a horse.  Was drafted by the Colts and traded to the Broncos.  Coincidence?  Thanks to them we had to look at Mike Shanahan’s face for the last 15 years. 

San Diego Chargers – Anything that close to a Donkey Show can’t be worth it.  LaDanian Tomlinson was a cry baby pussy who never came through in big games.  They will always be featured in “Biggest Draft Bust” lists for the whole Ryan Leaf thing.  I'm embarrassed for them for representing the AFC in Super Bowl XXIX?  And how do you score 26 points and still lose by 23?  Just like the Jets they missed their ugly ass old uni’s so much they wear them full time now. 

Oakland Raiders – Just Win Baby!  Please. Sometime.  Most of the fan base are gang bangers. You’re more likely to see 12 people stabbed at a Raider game than they are to score 12 points.  Their kicker is a fat ass who spends his free time dropping molly and sticking glow sticks in his mouth.  They have made cheating an art and if it wasn’t for Al Davis’ hiring him I wouldn’t have the image of John Maddens hot dog fingers gripping a phalic looking microphone burned into my mind.  Everyone feels tough in Raider gear.  Thanks to NWA they also look like the kind of people who purchase unregistered weapons from a grown man sucking on a pacifier. 

Kansas City Chiefs – Do you like boring football?  Then the Chiefs have been your team for the last 5 decades.  When was the last time they were fun to watch?  Christian Okoye could get ya 1500 yards in a season.  He’d just need 600 carries.  I’m pretty sure a 49 year old Steve DeBerg had the most prolific season for a QB in Chiefs history.  Your coach spends his offseason hosting Wilford Brimley look alike parties.  Another fan base whiter than a box of Minute Rice.  Good move letting Jared Allen go. 



*Rob Kern is a co-host of the awesome music podcast From Out Of Nowhere   

Sympathy For The Devil

O' Devil Where Art Thou?

Satan.  Lucifer.  Angel of Death.  Beelzebub.  The devil is a man(?) of many names.  Most religions have some sort of devil attached to their faith.  And he is the reason Elvis' hips couldn't be showed on his first television appearance.  From the beginning zealots with closets filled with skeleton's have warned of the devils influence through music.  But it didn't start with Elvis.  Mephistopheles has a long connection to music.  From Pagannini being labled as Diabolus En Musica in the 19th century to tales of bluesman Robert Johnson selling his soul at the crossroads in Mississippi, the Prince of Darkness has been getting some level of blame/attachment to the music some pious asshole didn't want his teenage daughter listening to.  

But be wary of getting in bed with Diablo.  Sure he underestimated Johnny when he went down to Georgia thinking he found a soul to steal.  In the end he had to lay the golden fiddle on the ground at Johnny's feet.  But Johnny's the exception that proved the rule.  Few are successful when taking on Satan.  Or so legend would have us believe.  Hark the tale of Led Zeppelin.  Lore tells us John Paul Jones was the only member who refused to make pact with ole Lucy and hence was the only one spared of personal tragedy.  From John Bonham's untimely demise to Robert Plant tragically losing his 5 year old son to a stomach ailment to Jimmy Page who probably paid the highest price by having to do a record with David Coverdale.

Couldn't this argument be turned around though?  I mean is there anyone in Led Zep you'd rather not be more than John Paul Jones? (Assuming being John Bonham didn't also mean being dead.)  I mean, if the devil gets the blame for Coverdale/Page then why not get credit for all the awesome shit?  Led Zeppelin created some incredible music.  So did the Beatles, Elvis, KISS and pretty much any band the Peter's brothers took time to protest in between Jerry Sandusky retreats. 

Full disclosure. I don't believe rock bands typically have the time to worship Satan with all the drugs and sex and all.  And I don't believe listening to a recording of any kind could result in demonic possession or somehow worshiping the Devil by accident like you tripped over a curb.  But I did.  I was 13 when I first held the cover of Motley Crue's Shout At The Devil and I was convinced they were in-cahoots with the Devil they so boldly shouted at.  I was worried for my soul and final place in heaven... or hell.  And I still needed to have that record.  And here's the important part.

Music was better then.  

Now the only church that bothers picketing anything is the Westboro Baptist Church.  A tiny church of inbred hate mongers who so distort the teachings of the bible Pat Robertson finds them a bit weird.  When I was in Jr. High my wardrobe separated me from the the popular kids.  I liked music that would lead me to drugs and teenage sex and they listened to shitty music that would make them spend hours on the telephone talking about boys.  Now days pop stars like Taylor Swift are just as likely to share the stage with Motley Crue as Vince Neil.  Justin Bieber did a Best Buy commercial with Ozzy.  Justin Fucking Bieber.  In the 80's the kind of people who would give J-Biebs the thumbs up were suing Ozzy for secretly convincing the kid they'd ben ignoring for a decade into killing himself.  He calls himself the Prince of Darkness for fucks sake! 

We don't care anymore.  And I contend music is worse because of it.  I grew up.  I developed an adult brain that realized the idea of accidentally worshiping the devil was stupid.  But how come your kids aren't worried about it?  Why aren't churches with legitimate reputations out protesting Breaking Benjamin when they come to town?  Because there hasn't been a band that a teenager actually gave a shit about in the last 15 years.  And parents are too busy fighting little league coaches and buying their little brats iPhones to worry about little Billy's soul. 

I suppose it's partially my generations fault.  If I realized it was stupid most of my classmates did as well.  And while digital technology has made it easier to hear those secret backwards messages its a lot less fun as well.  FUCK!  Remember how evil just spinning a vinyl album in the opposite direction once seemed?  Depending on your age probably not.  But trust me it was pretty fucking scary.  

Is there a direct correlation to the quality of music and how satanic we thought it was?  How scary it was?  I say yes.  From what I can tell Marilyn Manson was the last artist who actually scared parents.   Prior to that you had a change in rock music at least every 7 years.  From Elvis to the Beatles to the Rolling Stones to Pink Floyd to Sabbath to KISS to Motley to Metallica to Guns N Roses to Nirvana to... Limp Bizkit?  Godsmack?  Nickelback?  Now?  Hard Rock has been churning out the same Nickelback/Disturbed influenced vomit for 15 years.  And artists crossing over doesn't make it better.  It's makes it boring.  Pharrel may be happy but he has no frame of reference.  He's a dick.  I don't want to see KISS on American Idol anymore than I want Pat Boone to do another Metal album. 

No matter what the cause.  The internet.  File sharing.  Illegal downloading.  iPod's.  American Idol.  Video games.  Parent/Church apathy I DON'T CARE.  It was better then than it is now.  It's harder to find even a cover band in your local area than it has ever been.  The future of music is being left in the hands of people who answer to Nielsen ratings and if I have to explain why that's bad then I request you kill yourself.  Now get off my lawn.       

Kanye Is So... Kanye. SATM Reads GQ

GQ did a cover story on SATM Man Of The Year so you know we gotta read it.  See, we actually love Kanye.  He is as entertaining as he is stupid.  This article is chock full of Kanye-ism’s. 

How can someone do a sympathetic article on someone who is so unsympathetic? (Unless you believe my Kanye is retarded theory.)  The interviewer comes across as someone who wants to be invited to Kanye’s parties.  Don’t get me wrong.  If Kanye invited SATM to one of his parties I can guarantee the entire staff, all three of us, would show up early and stay until we were kicked out.  But we’re not gonna pretend Kanye isn’t Kanye to get there.  And might I add that not one time was he asked about being named SATM MOY nor did he ever bring that up or talk about all of the support he’s given us.  Below are our snippets of Kanye Gold.  You can read the whole interview here.  Here are our highlights.

Regarding seeing the paparazzi everywhere he goes:  “I hope we don’t see no paparazzi today because I’m still getting acquainted with these jogging pants I threw on.”

On the video of him walking into a sign:  “It’s difficult.  And then put on top of that the idea of going and taking meetings with people and they say ‘We don’t want to work with you because we saw you get mad about walking into the sign’”

Regarding… fuck if I know:  “There’s no fangs.  I don’t have fangs.  I’m a porcupine.  I’m a blowfish.  Like, I’m a – what’s the fish that blows up?”  (There’s a fishdick joke in there somewhere.  Good call South park)”

Regarding a report that said one hour before his wedding he didn’t like the bar so he started sawing it in half:  “Were they involved with anything last year that was culturally significant as the Yeezus tour or that album?”

On the importance of him and Kim being celebrities:  “Yes, we are celebrities, but yes, we’re also innovators, we’re also thoughtful.”

Regarding always being on his toes:  “I’m fighting with the way I line up my words together and the way I place a sweater on top of a T-shirt.”

He says this jem of knowledge:  “God flowing through us and us being little baby creators and shit.”

He continues his assault on books:  “When a kids falls in love with a plane or a bike or a dinosaur it’s not because of the book the sibling was reading.  It’s like, fuck, you mean to tell me that dinosaur’s walked the earth and stuff like that?”

More wisdom (He seems to have a think about planes and dinosaurs):  “That’s just as cool as a fucking fighter jet or a dinosaur!”

Regarding his influence on fashion:  “I guarantee you I’m more than 50 percent responsible for every pair of shoes Balenciaga sell.”

On how it’s actually harder to be a rapper or a reality star than an actor:  “When you’re a reality star or a rapper, you are the film”

Regarding finding time to record a new album:  “Then I’m like, I have to work on Addidas and be with my child.”

And then this:  “But what makes me happy is land and we’re on a boat right now”

And this:  “I don’t like walking around with people thinking I’m doing uncool shit.”

And there’s more.  He quotes the movie Step Brothers to make some fucking point about dinosaurs.  He refers to Kim as his dinosaur.  He says we’re all mad at Kim because she basically conned boys in school to do her homework for her and she got better grades than people who actually tried.  And if that’s true than you can add that to the list of reason’s people hate her.  He predicted he’d have a daughter and he wished he would’ve made an official record of that creative genius shit (his words) he could’ve then bragged to all of us that he called that one.  50/50 odds there Kanye. 

While we may not have a raison d'être (look it up genius) without Kanye I found myself a little sad for him.  He reminds me of the kid in school who was never in on the joke.  Picking on him is starting to seem mean.  I got a feeling that deep down he’s a genuine person.  He’s just not very bright.  He confuses fashion shows with being educated.  He somehow feels he can have no cultural significance without being a designer.  He doesn’t appear to have a genuine appreciation for his wife or an understanding of parenthood.  Considering his marriage is a joke and his kid will be raised by nannies it’s probably not a real concern.  So instead of feeling sorry for Kanye I’m gonna be happy such a special man has accomplished so much.  Look at you go Kanye.  You’ve never read a book you didn’t write and you still get invited to fashion shows.     

83 Hard Rock Bands Better Than Kings X

As I promised in the brilliantly written blog Most Overrated, Underrated, Bands Of All Time in response to the revelation that Kings X came in at 83 on VH1's list of greatest hard rock bands of all time, I would write a blog listing 83 hard rock bands better than Kings X.

Opening for Jesus Chrysler.  Check that off the bucket list

The thing is.  Kings X isn't a bad band.  They are just overrated.  And yes, 83rd place on a stupid TV show poll designed to fill airspace is overrating them.  For the purpose of being scientifical and obnoxious I did it in alphabetical order. Once I got to 83 I had only reached Megadeth.  M.  Halfway through the alphabet. One could logically deduce that there may be as many as 166 bands better than Kings X.  I doubt they are anybody's short list.  It also means they were spared the indignity of Nickelback appearing on this list.  Anyway.  Here you go.  83 hard rock bands better than Kings X.  In alphabetical order.    

1) AC/DC
2) Accept
3) Alice In Chains
4) All That Remains
5) Anthrax
6) Atreyu
7) Audioslave
8) Autograph
9) Bad Company
10) Badlands
11) Black Label Society
12) Black Flag
13) Black Sabbath
14) Blue Oyster Cult
15) Body Count
16) Bon Jovi
17) Bonfire
18) Britny Fox
19) Brother Cane
20) Buckcherry
21) Bullet Boys
22) Candlebox
23) Cheap Trick
24) Chickenfoot
25) Chimaira
26) Cinderella
27) Coal Chamber
28) Alice Cooper
29) Corrosion Of Conformity
30) The Cult
31) D.A.D. 
32) Damn Yankees
33) Damageplan
34) Danzig
35) Deep Purple
36) Death Angel
37) Def Leppard
38) Dio
39) Dokken
40) Donna's 
41) Doro

You sure all these bands are better than us?

42) Down
43) Drowning Pool
44) Extreme
45) Exodus
46) Faith No More
47) Fight
48) Flotsam and Jetsam
49) Flipp
50) Foo Fighters
51) Four Horseman
52) Frehley's Comet
53) Fu Manchu
54) Garbage
55) Ghost
56) Godsmack
57) Goldfinger
58) Great White
59) Guns N Roses
60) Sammy Hagar
61) Helmet
62) HIM
63) Hurricane
64) Jimmy Hendrix
65) Husker Du
66) Janis Figure
67) Jesus Chrysler
68) Judas Priest 
69) Keel 
70) Kid Rock
71) King Diamond
72) KISS
73) KIX
74) Lenny Kravitz
75) LA Guns
76) Lamb Of God
77) Led Zepplin
78) Love/Hate
79) Loudness
80) Lynch Mob
81) Lynyrd Skynyrd
82) Manowar
83) Megadeth

Kim Kardashian's Mouth Wasn't Made For Talking

Some people truly don’t deserve all they have. 

 

Exhibit A:  Anyone named Kardashian.  Less of a family and more of a Reality TV Whorehouse the stupid just oozes out of them.  Recently Kim was seen pushing Baby Stupid Name around in a stroller while showing the inside half of her rack in a ridiculous tit baring ensemble that one would put on before putting a couple glow sticks and some Molly in their clutch.  Being Kim K, people noticed, took pictures and commented.  And one of those comments for some reason came from Pespi CEO Indra Nooyi‘s.  She just said you can’t have it all when you’re a mother.

 

Being a complete out of touch moron who has zero appreciation for how cake her life really is, Kim felt compelled to comment.  So this week I thought it’s be fun to break down Kim’s “comeback” to what she interpreted as criticism.

“I mean, I think

 

I know right?

 

that’s just not really like a positive outlook and for me, like my mom kind of taught us girls that we could have it all. 

 

As long as she get’s 10%

 

You know, she works hard.

 

Since when is agreeing to whore your daughter out to foreign tyrant billionaires hard work?

She taught us that if you work hard, it’s just all about prioritizing and I think that, yeah, it could get tough and after you have a baby, there are so many times when I just didn’t want to get up and work

You can’t be serious.  Work?

on something and I just wanted to be home with my baby,

You know… what’s his name.  Oh that’s right.  He’s a girl.  Anyway…

 

but, you know, for me, and I think I can speak for my sisters, it makes us feel good when we are out working and we can provide something for our friends and products that, you know, we can’t find that we really want.

Like a morning after pill that is also a handbag

And it just makes you feel productive. So if anyone really feels like they can’t do it all, I feel like it’s a little bit discouraging to say that, even if I couldn’t and it wasn’t possible, I would try. And I would, you know, try my best to do it all."

Your Nanny’s know your full term abortion better than you. 

 

Dear Kim.  You need to shut up.  Your mouth wasn’t made for talking. 

 

Sincerely, Snark At The Moon

Five Albums You Never Heard That You Should... Jerkface!

I’m an album guy.  A great song is a great song but a great album is a life changer.  If you have AC/DC’s You Shook Me in your mp3 player but have never heard the album Back In Black from beginning to end I can comfortably say your life has been a waste up to this point.  A great album has a flow.  It is littered with peaks and valleys.  It takes you on a journey.  Be it a concept album like Queensryche’s Operation Mindcrime or just the perfect sequence of sleazy rock like Guns N Roses Appetite for Destruction a great album is more than the sum of its parts. The songs by themselves suffer without the bookends of the album it’s from.  The idea of cherry picking a song off an album like Pink Floyd’s the wall is retarded.

There are plenty of iconic classic albums in every genre.  But to the more sophisticated ear there are also great albums with less of an iconic status.  Often times these hidden gems aren’t given a chance because they break the stereotype of what we perceive a given band to be.  For many the name Black Sabbath instantly conjures up the image of Ozzy.  And when people think of KISS they aren’t likely to think of dark brooding lyrics about emotions.  But why let our own preconceptions rob us of an enjoyable experience?

So I came up with 5 albums that you probably haven’t listened to but definitely should.  For this category I limited myself to bands that have at least one all time iconic masterpiece you must have sex with your hand at least once while listening to before you die album.  The reason being there are soooo many bands you’ve never heard of who have released brilliant records.  It would be difficult to limit myself to 5.  Also the albums I picked were all critical and commercial flops. 

Black Sabbath – Eternal Idol.  As much as Ozzy leaving left the future of Sabbath in the air, it was really Dio’s departure that started roller coaster that became Sabbath in the 80's.  I had a hard time choosing between this record and 1983’s Born Again.  The fact that I’m not sure there is a more obscure record by a band on this list made me go with Eternal Idol.  After being forced by Warner Bros. to release his solo album Seventh Star under the moniker of Black Sabbath, Tony Iommi thought the next album should be more Sabbath-y.  And man did he come through.  This album is loaded with riffs straight off of Lucifer’s taint.  You can actually feel the devil stealing your soul while listening to this record.  It is the first Sab album to feature Tony Martin on vocals and it's the best.  Sadly by this point Sabbath was largely viewed as a real life Spinal Tap.  Tony Martin was at least the fourth singer since Ian Gillan left in 1983 and of those four only two managed to make a record.  One’s that were released anyway.  This heaping slab of metal holds its own with ANY Sabbath record.   Key tracks:  The Shining, Nightmare and The Eternal Idol    

 

Guns N Roses – Chinese Democracy.  This album is to rock as the Hughes H4 Hercules is to aviation.  Rumors circulating for over a decade.  A guitarist recording his parts in a make shift chicken coop.  Talk that there was actually no usable music.  Axl Rose had gone Brian Wilson and was just madly whittling away.  It became a term one would use to describe something that would never be completed.  By the time it was released it was largely ignored because people who would’ve cared were now 13 years older and had kids and mortgages and shit like that.  Which is too bad because it’s a brilliant album.  And of course many were turned off by the idea that a band that only featured Axl Rose was calling itself Guns N Roses.  But the record really delivers.  Today we confuse polished production as teen pop recorded with generic presets that make everything stay in time and sound in key.  Chinese Democracy is about as produced a record as you can find.  It’s slick production is actually part of its brilliance.  You can hear each note being recorded.  No matter how good the music or production is this record will never get a fair shake and that’s too bad because if you haven’t given this record an open ear then you are really missing out.  Key Tracks:  Chinese Democracy, If The World and Sorry   

 

KISS – Carnival Of Souls.  Rocking all nite after partying every day takes its toll on you after 20 years.  Right smack in the middle of grunge’s brief dominance KISS made a cash grab and called it Carnival Of Souls.  They hired grunge guru Toby Wright to produce, tuned down their guitars and started writings songs about their dead friends and being so filled with hate they have actually become the embodiment of it.  This was clearly an example of a band who needs a mirror to see their greatest days taking a stab doing what the newer and cooler kids were doing.  To be fair, the grunge movement offered KISS their first taste of mainstream acceptance.  Whereas in the 80’s KISS’ contemporaries’ found it “un-cool” to have been influenced by KISS, grunge seemed to contain at least one proud member of the KISS Army.  That said they were dangerously close to becoming a club band in 1995 so they made a run at doing the music that was popular at the time.  It's not classic KISS.  But it’s fucking awesome.  They may have been faking it to an extent but what they came up with is a great album.  The only miscue was letting Bruce Kulick sing a song.  Also, hindering any chance people would ever hear this record, KISS shelved it before its release to reunite with original members Ace Frehley and Peter Criss and embark on a make-up slathered reunion tour.  When they finally dumped this on the public a couple years later they didn’t even bother putting a real album cover on it.  Too bad though.  Cause it kicks ass.  Key Tracks: Childhoods End, I Will Be There and Master & Slave     

Judas Priest – Turbo.  At least now it’s ok to call this album gay.  After a decade of defining what Heavy Metal meant and releasing back to back monstrous metal masterpieces with Screaming For Vengeance and Defenders of The Faith Judas Priest decided to take a stab at using synthesizers.  Which of course made most of their fans commit suicide.  I get how some view this as a betrayal on the level of Metallica cutting their hair but take a moment and listen to the record.  It’s really fucking good.  I suppose Rob Halford could sing the obituary section and it would sound metal but this record has some great music on it.  Sure it’s a little slicker than you expect from Priest but so what.  Metal guys are too touchy about shit like this.  Quit eating that hot dog sideways Beavis and just listen without prejudice.  Key tracks:  Turbo Lover, Locked In and Out In The Cold    

Han Halen – 3.  If Van Halen had a red headed step child its name would be 3.  Before we knew Eddie was the one who was bat shit nuts and not those crazy singers, he kicked Sammy Hagar out of the band because Sammy wasn’t enough of a team player to leave his wife’s side hours after welcoming a child into the world to help pick tracks for a greatest hits album.  He filled Sammy’s spot in the band with perfectly capable Gary Cherone known mostly for his work with Van Halen clone Extreme.  Pretty much hated before its release Van Halen 3 never had a chance.  It’s the little record that couldn’t.  Eddie was forced to reunite with Dave, then Sammy and then Dave again.  The lack of “nice things” said about this record must’ve taken its toll on Eddie as aside from scoring a porno, he hasn’t released any “new” material since.  But this record is good.  It’s at least as good as its predecessor Balance.  If not great.  I promise.  There is some great music on here.  And the record just flows.  But you don’t care do you.  You just got Van Halen all figured out don’t you.  (Insert whiny voice) “Oh.  I didn’t know that was Gary Cherone singing.  I don’t like because I’m a fucking cunt wad with no taste.”   This record and Chinese Democracy are the two records I can’t seem to find or convince anyone of their brilliance.  Two words.  Your loss.  Key tracks:  One I Want, Dirty Water Dog and Ballot or the Bullet. 

Perception.  Lack of promotion.  A change in the music scene.  The bottom line is don’t let something like who’s in a band make it so you miss out on an otherwise great album.  Unless that guy is Myles Kennedy then by all means.  That guys voice just makes me want to peel the skin off my penis.  What are you thinking Slash?