Why Everyone Hates YOUR Team: An NFL Primer For 2014 - NFC

How do you lose to me?

Are they still here?

Dallas Cowboys – Arrogance and mediocrity.  Your owner is a creepy old man.  Porn Stars choke less than your QB.  Despite the fact that both your team City (Dallas) and name (Cowboys) are about as provincially specific as you can get, you call yourself America’s team.  Cowboy fans think we’re all just jealous but in reality were ALL just sick of bad football getting such consistent national coverage.  Call us when you’re most current talking point doesn’t include Troy Aikman.

New York Giants – Why is it both teams in New York insist on throw back uniforms?  And why does New York City have two teams?  Neither one has played in New York state much less the city for well over two decades.  The Giants are the NFC’s answer to the Kansas City Chiefs.  Boring.  LT is a coke head rapist pedophile.  Phil Simms looks like a piece of plastic.  And what did you do to make Eli Manning so sad?

We'll always be buddies

Philadelphia Eagles – If the Giants are the NFC’s answer to the Chiefs, then the Eagles fans are the NFC version of Raider fans.  Uncontrolled dipshits who drink too much and start fights.  They act like they are huge Eagles fans but they spend more time with their bookie than they do watching their stupid team  Michael Vick drowned dogs so naturally once he was out of prison you had to sign him.  Your current coach looks like the type of guy you see in a parked car near a park with a pair of binoculars.  And your running back likes to go by the nick name of Shady.  I’m sure he's been in a nightclub with a handgun in his pants before. 

Washington Team – That’s right.  Not even us morally questionably staffers at SATM are willing to say your stupid teams racist name.  RG3 is ugly and his hair is stupid.  Your owner tried to sell mattresses at the stadium.  Joe Theisman is a cranky old turd.  Joe Gibbs sold his likeness to mad magazine.  Men in their 50’s attend games in dresses while wearing pig noses.  What the hell is that all about?  You were mean to Brad Johnson.  At one time Deion Sanders was on your team.  Chris Cooley is instagramming dick pics as you read this.  And Dan Snyder is wrapping up a meeting Satan.  You are the worst team in the last decades worst division.  And because fuck you.

Green Bay Packers – Theeeeee dumbest gathering of chuckleheads who call themselves fans.  The combined IQ in the stands of Lambeau is rarely higher than the temp.  It’s a good thing it’s owned by the fans because no one stays in Green Bay.  Not if they have a choice.  Your fans are called Cheeseheads.  Why?  You are so undesirable the man you treated like a king, Bret Favre, couldn’t wait to leave just so he could come back and beat your ass.  Your stadium smells like a cocktail of various bodily fluids and the seats are used bleachers from high schools that have renovated.  For the better part of 50 years half your games or more were played in Milwaukee.  Meaning people would rather go to Milwaukee than Green Bay.  The crowd at Lambeau is more inbred than the Westboro Baptist Church parish.  

As it was fortold

Minnesota Vikings – Remember when losing 4 Super Bowls was your crowning achievement.  Those were the days huh?  You seem to insist that Adrian Peterson’s career draws a parallel with Barry Sanders.  You actually kept Brad Childress from becoming the coach of the Packers.  Let that one sick in dipshits.  You somehow managed to make the Bears the Packers biggest rival.  Bryant McKinnie.  Fred Smoot.  Sex Boat.  Mike Tice scalping Super Bowl tickets.  Randy Moss driving around Minneapolis with a parking enforcement officer on the hood of his car.  Oh, and thanks for giving the Cowboys three Super Bowls because lord knows we never get sick of that fucking team.

Detroit Lions - You only exist to skew the strength of schedule stat of the rest of your division.  Did you even realize Barry Sanders was on your team in the 90’s?  None of your fans actually live in Detroit.  No one who lives in Detroit can afford tickets.  Two Words.  Wayne Fonts.  Two more.  Matt Millen.  While you’re at it you try drafting a WR once in a while.  Scott Mitchell is gonna be on the Biggest Loser.  There’s a joke somewhere in there.  Speaking of chubby QB’s.  Matt Stafford. 

Chicago Bears – Nice helmet. 

Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Warrren Sapp is a fat, wife beating drug addict who makes Keyshawn Johnson seem fun to be around.  Your team colors are blood and baby poop.  You fired Tony Dungy.  All your QB’s from the 70’s and 80’s became good just by leaving.  Tampa Bay smells like old people.  Your owners are corrupt tax dodgers.  Brad Johnson wins a Super Bowl and you cut him.  For a long time your uniforms were giant creamsicles.  I’d make derogatory remarks about more of your players but I can’t name any of them. 

Atlanta Falcons – Isn’t Atlanta the gang capital of the world?  How come you stopped having MC Hammer on the sidelines of games?  Your former QB murdered dogs.  How much did Eugene Robinson pay for that hooker the night before the Broncos kicked your ass in the Super Bowl?  Is your coach the love child of Ernest Borgnine?  How many alternate uniforms do you need?  Roddy White welches on bets until people make fun of him.  Your fans literally smell like bird shit.  Bobby Petrino.  

Our team is good.  We're just ugly

New Orleans Saints – You actually think winning the Super Bowl 9 years later helped people recover from Hurricane Katrina.  People in your city both vote and believe in voodoo.  Your owner sure is a fancy boy.  You traded every draft pick for Ricky Williams and then traded him a week later.  Drew Brees has poop on his face.  The Superdome has proudly hosted the most sexual assaults of any NFL stadium.  Archie Manning sucked.  You cheered when Wade Wilson was carted off the field.  He was on your team.  Most of your fans aren’t sure when football games are played.  Sean Payton is cheater along with most of your players.  

Carolina Panthers – Kerry Collins is a drunk.  You put Barry Foster on a billboard and then he never plays a game for you.  Didn’t one of your players pay to have his girlfriend killed so he wouldn’t have to pay child support for their unborn child?  Cam Newton was paid 6 figures in college.  Sounds like his Dad got most of that.  Sounds like a good home to be raised in.  Steve Smith has a Napolean Complex.  He’s your best player and only WR on the roster so of course you cut him.  Where exactly is Carolina?  Jimmy Clausen was a good pick.  Of all the places that brag about BBQ, yours is by far the worst.  You may have the ugliest uniforms in the league.  When you play in other cities no one wants to go.  Because you bore us.

San Francisco 49ers – You don’t get to go from Joe Montana to Steve Young.  Not without some people hating you.  Eddie DeBartolo is a mobster.  OJ plays for you then goes on to murder his ex and a waiter.  Coincidence?  Your city employ’s the highest number of people who hate sports anywhere in America.  Jerry Rice was a big baby who cried when he didn’t get the Disneyland commercial.  Ronnie Lott still has a finger where he said he had it cut off so he could play.  Bill Walsh wanted Steve Dils when they drafted Joe Montana.  For 20 years you dominated a division with no other teams in it.  Next to Kaepernick, Jeff Garcia is an attractive man.  And Kap’s tat’s are sweet.  And he totally doesn’t look like a douch with wearing an oversized ball cap.  Jim Harbaugh buys his pants at Wal Mart. 


 

Seattle Seahawks – You somehow managed to go from the team everyone could root for to the team everyone hates.  And that was after serial rapist Jerramy Stevens was let go.  Richard Sherman acts like an ass then calls everyone racist for thinking he’s an ass.  Your coach left his college program in shambles.  The only thing dumber than the nickname “Beast Mode” is the name Marshawn.  Your defense purposely cheats.  Your fan base actually thinks they are the 12th man.  It rains all the time.  Starbucks sucks.  Percy Harvin fakes headache’s to get out of practice.  Steve Largent was white.  Jim Zorn is a loser.  You have a boner for anyone who previously played for the Vikings. Warren Moon, John Randle, Bob Lurtsema, Nate Burleson, Sidney Rice, Percy Harvin, Kevin Williams and you even signed Tarvarus Jackson.  Twice.  You want Christian Ponder? Even one of your coaches used to work for the Vikings.  Now that you won a Super Bowl maybe your fans will act like they’ve been there.  Probably not.

Arizona Cardinals – It’s been a while since you relocated.  You gave the world Dan Dierdorf and there has to be a penalty for that.  Larry Fitzgerald may just be the ugliest human on the planet.  And Carson Palmer is a close second.  Who’s your coach?  Never mind.  Who cares.  Your owner had plastic surgery to make his cheeks always red and shiny.  It’s a dry heat.  Kurt Warners wife looks like a dude.  No one who isn’t a desperate loser marries someone who looks like she does and has as much baggage.  Remember Jake The Snake?  Buddy Ryan?  Winning Seasons?  No one else does either.  Why did you move to Arizona?  Easier to hire an undocumented grounds crew?  Denny Green was a good coach.  Your helmets are stupid too.

St. Louis Rams – Your whore former owner is a gold digger bitch.  You belong in Los Angeles.  Deacon Jones is ugly and smells bad.  Mike Martz looks like a pedophile.  If the NFL has an armpit it is the St. Louis Rams.  You know the object is to MAKE the playoffs right?  Someone needs to tell Jeff Fisher that Movember is only one month of the year.  Marshall Faulk is stupid.  You won a Super Bowl with a grocery store stock boy at QB.  Didn’t Tony Banks actually start for you for a couple of years?  Jim Everett.  I’d say something about Lawrence Phillips but he’d probably track me down and murder me so instead I’ll say “Good job beating up those children Larry!”