Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Why Glenn Danzig Can't Buy Kitty Litter

It’s hard to imagine Hitler as a child playing with those old wooden handmade German toys at the turn of the 20th Century.  On the other side of the spectrum it’s hard to see a grown up Corey Feldman and not think of the kid with the Goofy glasses in the Goonies.  Fair or not there comes a time when the image you created, endorsed or had thrust upon you becomes something the world uses to define you.  They hear your name, that’s what they think about.  It’s why Sebastian Bach can’t be an actor.  Madonna can’t not be a whore.  And Glen Danzig can’t run to Petsmart to pick up some Kitty litter.
Again. It’s not fair.  Glenn is right when he says “What’s the big deal.  I got a cat.”  And frankly calling Madonna a whore is just telling the truth.  It’s more true than saying Danzig worships the devil.  Ah but perception is reality and the perception of Glenn Danzig is he doesn’t come out during the day.  Definitely not to buy Kitty Litter.  If anything he conjures kitty litter up from some demon hell cat. 
Danzig has made a living being that guy living on the edge of society.  Against the norm.  Swathed in darkness.  And there is very little you can do the so outwardly “Normal” than running to the grocery store to fetch some kitty litter.  Now we have no choice but to picture him sweaty and shirtless wearing his tight black pants, using that gigantic Danzig belt buckle to scoop clumps of cat shit out of a plastic box as little Puss Puss watches.  Glenn!  That is the image I will forever have.  You’ll be singing How The Gods Kill and I’ll be wondering how long it’s been since you cleaned the litter box. 
James Hetfield also didn’t get the memo.  He was photographed wearing plaid shorts and holding an Armani bag while out shopping with his wife.  Right behind him was then new bassist Robert Trujillo also looking rather domestic.  And we have to blame the woman.  They think they are entitled to a suburban life regardless of their husbands profession.  Women will never get it.  My wife doesn’t understand why I find the photo of Danzig carrying Kitty litter so funny.  She thinks I’m mean because I really do like his music.  James Hetfield may not admit it but there is no way he picked that outfit out for himself.  But just because women don’t understand doesn’t mean you cave.  Mrs. Hetfield isn’t living in the house she does, driving the cars she drives and shopping where she shops if not for the alcohol fueled persona that James developed over years of touring and drinking.  Sure he may be sober now and that’s probably a good thing.  And yes he’s older and looks wiser.  But that doesn’t mean he has to surrender his testicles.  His wife is entitled to some family time but she needs to accept one thing.  It’s bad for Metallica for him to be seen holding her purse dressed in sandal’s.  Bad for Metallica = bad for her.  Find something to do out the public eye.  And for God’s sake let him wear jeans and a t-shirt.
As for you Mr. Danzig.  You clearly hate the internet.  And for good reason.  It’s been largely bad for you.  First you get knocked out by some wannabe and now you can’t properly care for your pet without going viral.  So while you may despise the trolls who seem to survive off making you look stupid, you must accept the power of the internet.  You invented horror punk.  You warned Mother’s around the world of your insidious intentions.  Sadly your legacy will now include you fetching cat litter.  As hard as it may be to accept, you need to find someone to get your Kitty litter.  And groceries.  And hair product.  And toiletries.  Well, you get the picture.  Maybe give Eerie Vonn a call.  I hear he’s looking for work.