Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Are Packer Fans The Worst Fans Ever?

The Urban Dictionary defines a Packer fan as: Someone who is a fan of the Green Bay Packers American football team. They are usually dumb and stump, inbred, drunk, disorderly, ugly, smelly, foul beasts.


There is a line between passionate fandom and moronic obsession.  And it’s about the size of Green bay Wisconsin.  Those of us who have saddled their allegiance to a team of a given sport know the ups and downs that come with giving of yourself emotionally to a billion dollar corporation that appreciates your support so much it has purposely priced you out of the arena they play in and threatened you and your fellow tax payers with demands that we make it easier for them to make money.  But we still do it.  And all sports have their rivalries and while some knuckleheads will actually debate the quality of their rivalry against yours, when you look at a group of fans objectively you realize that deep down, we are all quite the same.  We just chose a different jersey.  Well.  Except for one group of fans.  The Cheesheads.

Living in Minnesota we get a heavy dose of these pompous losers strutting around like Mossy Cade on parole.  And not just the two times a year that Minnesota and Green Bay play each other, the other 363 days as well.  These sociopaths lack the skill to separate anything in their life from tha Packahz.  Work, funerals, stopping for gas.  They are incapable of having a conversation that doesn’t somehow involve their beloved team.  Christmas parties.  Company picnics.  Weddings.  Funerals.  No place is safe.  They are like some kind of psychotic cyborg that sorts people based on the team they root for.  Then they dial up some fresh convo that references your team and the Packers and allows them to flash a smile that makes you wanna bash their face in with a sledge hammer.

“We don’t play indoors because we can handle the elements.”  (Followed by a punch me in the face grin)

“Dude.  Do we have to talk about this at my nephews baptism.”

And they have just one comeback to any rational attempt to change the subject.  You’re just jealous.

“Football season ended 4 months ago.  Maybe we can talk about something else.”

“You’re just jealous.” 

Their entire wardrobe can put into one of two categories.  Home and away.  They have Packer clothing for all occasions.  Formal wear (Paul Horning authentic jersey) to casual wear (Packer logo Hawaiian style shirt) and everything in between.  On a Wednesday night in Las Vegas I was amazed at the number of people I saw in Packer gear.  They can’t even go on vacation unless they can make sure complete strangers know they love the Packers.  The women look like they live in a bowling alley.  Revlon.  I beg of you.  Teach them about make up.  And God forbid you whip out a football during a picnic in the summer time or as the Shareholders call it.  Pre-Season.  Every pass they throw will be from Bart Starr or Lyn Dickey.  If you happen to drop a pass they’ll bring up the Monday night game when the ball bounced off Chris Dishman’s ass and into Antonio Freemans balls for a game winning TD.

One Lucky guy and the two hottest chicks in Wisconsin

They love their team so much you will see a couple hundred of them attend a Viking/Panthers game sporting their “nice clothes” throughout the Metrodome.  Instead of watching their beloved Packers, they will attend a different game just to show off the most expensive piece of clothing they own while complaining about the building they’re in.  And to puke in a urinal and pee in a sink.   

Every exchange will eventually lead to “How many Super Bowls have you won?”  I like trash talk but it has to be better than that doesn’t it?  “How many Super Bowls have you won?” is stupid on so many levels.  The first and most obvious is that as a spectator I watch Super Bowls I don’t win them.  But do these dipshit’s realize they are basically saying they wouldn’t be a fan of the Packers if they had never won a Super Bowl?  They are also the only fan base that counts the championships from the 20’s and 30’s when there were only 4 teams and players wore leather helmets.  Back then good players routinely turned down a job playing football professionally because they had a college education and could make more money doing anything else.

He owns the team.  Well, 1/5,000,000th of the team.

Despite the admission that they only root for the Packers because of their Championship’s they will tell you they support their team no matter what.  They didn’t tell you that from 1970 – 1993 but they will tell you.  And can we stop talking about Lambeau likes it’s the birthplace of Jesus.  It’s so fucking great that they played half of their home games in Milwaukee from 1953 to 1994.  If Lambeau is football Mecca, why play so many games over 4 decades in a different stadium?  Does it take that long to paint bleachers?  And surely the Greatest Fans on the earth don’t mind the 2 hour trip from Milwaukee to Green Bay 8 times a year.  

They are best fans ever.  Why?  Because they have decided that football will encompass their entire life?  Because they are willing to buy a worthless stock that is only sold to give the team money in exchange for nothing?  Because it never dawned on them that the “seats” at Lambeau field are identical to the ones at their high school?  After an almost $300 million in tax payer funded upgrades?  

They are smug delusional trolls who exist only to make football less enjoyable for others.  They have the fashion sense of a pig farmer and smell even worse.  The world is their toilet and they want you to know it.  But after a couple decades of dealing with these morons we finally got some payback. 

40,000 of “The Greatest Fans in the World” turned down the chance to buy playoff tickets.  An historic number in any town.  Now to be fair the Pack pretty much limped into the playoffs and it was going to be real cold.  The threat of the game not being televised loomed as the team was granted an extension to sell enough tickets to avoid a local television blackout.  In the end they were bailed out by some corporate sponsors buying the remaining 3000 tickets.  This happens all time… in other cities.  And there’s the crux.  This is only news because it happened in Green Bay.  It’s only news because they never have a hard time selling tickets.  They have a season ticket waiting list so long the estimated wait time is 700 years.  This is only news because for 20 years these smug pricks have talked about corporate ticket buys in other cities as examples of how they are better fans.  This is only news because they have been using the fact that these things never happen to the Packers as PROOF that they are the heartiest and greatest fans of any team anywhere.  It’s only news because of all the excuses, back peddling and whining that followed.  It was cold.  It was short notice.  It was right after the holidays and people are broke.  Reasons that Cheeseheads will say are irrelevant when disparaging a fan of any other team.  

Look at all the Cheeseheads tailgating before the game last Sunday.

The worst thing is there is no reaching them.  You need to rape the exhumed body of Vince Lombardi to wipe that smirk of their face.  Even as they are reading this they are preparing gems like “How many titles…”  and “You’re just jealous”.  They will try to twist everything I laid out as being upset over the outcome of a game.  IT WILL NEVER DAWN ON THESE HALF WITS I HAVEN’T MADE ONE COMMENT ABOUT THE ACTUAL TEAM!.  Alas the best way to beat criticism is to smile like you want your face shoved into the frozen tundra at Historic Lambeau field.  Go Pack Go!  Go wipe your ass with the toilet paper they told you was stock.  Enjoy the view from the owners box or as the rest of the world calls it, your couch.  


  1. This is amazing. I would also like to point out that Lambeau isn't in Green Bay, but in Ashwaubenon. Somehow Green Bay, a city that doesn't even have a real mall, doesn't have room for a football stadium. A place where a 9 story building is the tallest building for miles. Somehow they have to play in Ashwaubenon.

  2. You're just jealous.