Thursday, March 19, 2015

Ashton Kutcher. Mr Mom or Mr Moron

It’s not uncommon for someone to say I have too much time on my hands.  It’s usually in reference to some pop culture instance they find too trivial to have even a modest opinion on.  Like how irritated I get when a newscaster pronounces the word straight with an invisible “H” (SHTRAIGHT).  For my money if your job is to talk for a living, being able to properly pronounce words should be towards the top of the list of job requirements.  And the inability to not shove an “H” into the beginning of any word that starts with the letters S and T is the talking head equivalent of a surgeon who can’t stop his hands from shaking.  And my personal ability to process that thought is in no way a testament to individual perseverance.  It just happens.
And it does matter.  Why does no one care that it makes no sense to describe this year’s Winter as “never ending” in the first week of February?  Why does no one care that Nick Simmons thinks "Cabin Fever" means you're tired?  Or that local yokel Mark Rosen thinks Star Wars is a cult movie?  So it was largely predictable when Ashton Kutcher denounced the absence of baby changing stations in ANY men’s room, no one bothered to question whether he was correct about that.  Oh sure the morning talk shows discussed it.  But not in the sense that he was just wrong and they are probably in close to as many men’s rooms as women’s rooms.  No.  That would be honest and make Ashton look like a moron.  The talking point was this.  “Is Ashton right?  Should there be baby changing stations in men’s rooms?”  To which I can only say “You mean in addition to the ones already in there?” 
I took my rant to facebook.  And the blowback I got ranged from people disputing my claim to saying that they are in some public men’s rooms but not most.  I accepted the challenge.  For the next week, anytime I was somewhere with a men’s room, I checked.  And what did my research uncover.  Were they nonexistent as Ashton proclaimed?  Or were they somewhat available but largely not as many of my friends on facebook contended?  Hardly.  9 is the number.  9 out of 11 men's public restroom's contained a baby changing station.  Slightly more than 80%.  Including one liquor store.  In other words "most" had one.  And in one of the “nots” I even got confirmation that there was also not one in the woman’s room.  Meaning my intense research concluded what I already thought to be true.  You are just as likely to find them in a men’s restroom as you are a woman’s. 
I took pictures to prove it and shared them on facebook.  And while it was mostly fun some of the feedback was of the “You have too much time on your hands” variety.  Even if that was true why isn’t this important?  When is the truth ever optional?  Ashton Kutcher is wrong.  And he probably knows it.  But he also knows no one will actually bother to expose his bullshit.  People will cowtow and he will look like a great guy who just wants to do his part when it comes to the dirty work of having a baby.  He’s sooo dreamy. 
It’s also been mentioned that Ashton probably isn’t talking about the places I went to as he’s too big time to shop at Target or World Market.   Or that quite possibly he wasn’t saying never but just that he thinks they need to be mandatory.  But here’s the thing.  That’s not what he said.  And… WORDS MEAN THINGS!  And to prove he meant what I thought he meant, he’s got a fucking petition.  And I have one thing to say to anyone who will sign it…


Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Bracketology. For The Idiots, By The Idiots.


The Smartest Guys At ESPN

March is the time of year we start to see the snow melt, we drink green alcohol and the word bracket as well as the terms “Bracketology” and “Bracket busters” start appearing in Pizza commercials, local news broadcasts and out of the mouth of that guy at work who once a year talks to you about sports.  March Madness indeed. 

PHD In Bracketology
Do a bracket or don’t.  Watch the tournament or don’t.  But could we please dispense of the cliché’s?  Could people who don’t care about sports please not talk about this?  And for the love of all things holy, could ESPN stop.  I get that people look forward to this and filling out a bracket and watching it crumble gives a person a connection they otherwise wouldn’t have adding to the interest in the actual tournament.  That’s all fine.  But we need to mandate some cultural change to this time of year and this tournament. 
The talking heads on local and national news need to drop the personal anecdotes.  I doubt your 4 year old daughter did better with her picks than most like you claim every year.  I doubt a 4 year old could fill out a complete bracket correctly by them self.  And even if she did that’s really just a story about you having a kid and trust me.  No one fucking cares that Dave Dahl has a kid.  What’s your point anyway?  That even someone as stupid as your kid has a chance?  And if you do work for the news but don’t cover sports, don’t talk about the tournament on air unless it ties into an actual story you would cover.
That story can’t be about how much time is lost in the work space every year because of the tournament.  If you don’t think that has been covered you are fucking retarded.
The term Bracketology and Bracketologist can only be used in jest or satirically.  In other words ESPN, you cannot interview someone you are crediting as a bracketologist.  It’s not a thing.  Where did he get his degree?  It’s fine if Pizza Hut wants to make it part of some sort of two topping large pizza promotion, but you, ESPN, are supposed to actually cover this event.  You sound like a moron when you refer to a grown man as a bracketologist. 
Currently there are 68 teams in the tournament.  Which is plenty.  Stop talking about who got snubbed.  No one got snubbed.  There are no snubs.  At best there are 20 good teams.  Trust me.  They all got in.  If your team didn’t make it then your team isn’t any good.  And if you made it 70 teams, there would still be just as many teams claiming they were snubbed.  There would still be just as much air time dedicated to who got snubbed.  Just drop it.    
The reporting and coverage of this event should be better.  Not more.  Better.  Lazy reporting should result in people getting less opportunity.  Less air time.  Losing their jobs.  If your job is to regurgitate cliché’s, then you aren’t very good at your job.  If you don’t have something unique to say, it doesn’t need to be said.  And if you read a teleprompter for a living understand this.  YOU ARE NOT THE STORY.  That pretty much applies to everything you cover.  We don’t care that you have a kid, a husband, a wife or a dog.  Your personal anecdotes do not add to the story they distract from it.  And considering how unimportant the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament is, it shouldn’t be that hard to stick your stupid, made up story about how your Yorkie picked the best bracket in your pool, up your ass. 
Go Duke!   

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

How Bill Belichick Gave ESPN A Boner

Thanks to the fine folks at ABC my morning coffee was ruined today.  And no it wasn’t the horrible dress Lara Spencer chose to wear (though I must say that didn’t help.)  Good Morning America’s lead story this morning was the whole deflated football nonsense.  Really?  This is your lead story?  The day after the leader of the free world give his annual State of the Union? 
Sure the President gave a speech so full of Snark it’s been suggested we wrote it and as the SOTU has largely become a misguided pep rally that serves more as an example of how politics divide us than our leaders sharing their plans with it's citizens.  A reasonable argument can be made that it’s not the biggest story of a given day.  But less of a story than one about whether or not a football was deflated below the accepted PSI settings?  It’s got to better than that to knock of the SOTU.  Doesn’t it?  Don't you have some crappy cell phone footage of a Semi sliding across an icy highway?  Is a mild weather pattern going to slightly inconvenience people living in Philly, New York and Boston? 
Has there ever been an allegation of cheating that was widely accepted as an egregious offense AND acknowledged as having no effect to the outcome of the game in which it tool place?  There are people suggesting the coach should be fired.  The Patriots shouldn’t be allowed to play in the game.  Tom Brady should be forced to father a baby with my wife.  Some sort of punishment that sends a message.  Don't mess with the integrity of the game.  Talking heads are suggesting stripping the team of a draft pick and fining them any amount of money will not be enough.  Really?  For an act of cheating you think had no effect on the game. 
The referee’s touch the ball before every play.  This is no different than a baseball pitcher scuffing the ball in the hopes of getting more movement and the umpire not noticing.  Did anyone suggest that Joe Niekro’s career should be taken from him as he casually tried dump an Emory board out his pants?  His pockets hanging out and his hands up in the air while his face clearly was telling the ref “What?”  Did anyone suggest Tom Kelly should be immediately removed as team manager of the Minnesota Twins for allowing this cheater on the field?  Did anyone write an op-ed about how they now had to explain to their children why cheating was still bad.  Quite the opposite actually.  It has become a moment of nostalgic endearment.  Football seems a bit backwards on this.  We don’t care if you take steroids.  Just don’t mess with the ball. 
The bottom line is this only matters to people who don’t matter.  The only people less important than the talking heads who cover sports are the people who can’t get enough of hearing them talk about sports.  Between this and the Super Bowl ESPN has enough programming for the next three weeks.
Oh there is more that can be said.  As far as I'm concerned it already has by the fine writers at Deadspin.  Check it out here.  And remember.  It's ok to once in a while wonder why the news is putting us through this garbage as it isn't necessary. 

Tuesday, December 30, 2014

2014 Snark In Review

2014 was a banner year for Snark At The Moon.  Gene Simmons got upset with us, took his ball and went home.  Our monthly blog reads doubled.  Kim Kardashian passed on an opportunity to be interviewed for our little blog.  And Justin Bieber went from egg tossing drug addict to God seeking albino falling off a skateboard. 
Let us honor the year that was 2014 with the first of it's kind SATM Best of 2014 year in review.
BEST MADONNA SUCKING AT THE TEET OF CURRENT RELEVANCE - Ever since Madonna made out with Christina and Britney at the VMA's, Madge has glommed on to any upcoming female artist in the hopes it will keep her current.  Her quest to remain spank bank fodder for teenagers reached a new low when she mimed Miley's "I stick my tongue out because I don't care".  You have Miley trying to prove she's not a child and Madonna trying to prove she still is.  Just too many layers of sad.  It was a good run but it might be time to move on Madonna.

BEST ADJUSTMENT FROM CHILD STAR TO ADULT - Nothing will change the fact that Daniel Radcliffe will always be Harry Potter.  But old Harry doesn't seemed cursed with the desire to run from his fame.  If anything he's embraced the reality that being Harry Potter has opened more doors than it will ever close.  And whether it's dog walking through Central Park sucking on a heater or his underrated move Horns, Mr. Potter has earned the respect of SATM in a way Miley and J Biebs can only dream to.
BEST CELEBRITY DOUCHE BAG DAY DATE - Justin Bieber took his on again off again Selena Gomez for a couples day Segway run in some posh part of Los Angeles.  And no time with your Disney channel piece is complete without one of yo' boys tagging along.  Selena seems to have accepted that the rear is her proper position.
BEST SEAT FOR A PEDOPHILE - If Ariana Grande is over 18 someone needs to tell her body.  Her oversexed 9 year old persona is the safe haven voyeurs of kiddie porn have been looking for.  After all, staring at her cooch is technically a normal grown man reaction.  The world will be none the wiser, until the check your web browser history.  Take it in sicko.
BEST WEDDING PRESENT/PROOF THAT KANYE IS RETARDED - Kanye West.  Rapper.  Designer.  Visionary.  SATM Man Of The Year 2013.  Great gift giver.  A regular guy gets his bride a ring and says yes to every stupid idea his future wife has for their ceremony.  But Kanye took it to a whole new level when he bought his bride Kim Kardashian (SATM Man Of They Year 2014) a whole bunch of Burger Franchises in Europe.  Why Burger?  Why Europe?  Who fucking knows.

BEST NOT ASHAMED OF MY BODY BUT SHOULD BE ON A MAGAINE COVER - ESPN The Magazine has a yearly "Body" issue where for some reason they put pics of athletes in the buff on the cover and in the pages.  Prince Fielder let it all hang out.  Please.  Never again. 


BEST JENNIFER TILLY IS GOOD AT POKER - When she's not recording the voice of Bonnie Swanson for Family Guy or posting pictures of herself on one of her Instagram accounts, Jennifer Tilly brings her "talents" to the poker table.  and we're all in.



BEST OUTFIT FOR TAKING YOUR NEW BORN FOR A STROLL - Reaction to this picture of Kim Kardashian dressed in this ridiculous outfit caused poor Kim to pine about the complexities of being a working mother to which the world responded "When did you get a job?" 


BEST USE OF A CULTURE YOU KNOW NOTHING OF - Rhianna wanted to show the world her love of Swedish 80's hair metal when she demanded her tailor get out of bed and whore up this classic band shirt.  When asked what her favorite Krokus song was she replied "Which one is Krokus?"

BEST USE OF THE ELEPHANT MAN'S SKIN - Lenny Kravitz stays warm while looking good wrapping himself in the fabric of three couches.  Hunger Games pays well.

BEST REMINDER THAT McCAULEY CULKIN IS STILL HERE - Big Mac took a break from "Performing" with his Velvet Underground parody band the Pizza Underground to snap this amazing picture of him wearing a shirt that has a picture of Ryan Gosling wearing a shirt with a picture of McCauley Culkin on it.





BEST USE OF OPRAH BY OPRAH - As an honor to her long, ground breaking, awrd winning and illustrious career television journalism, Barbara Walters was given the gift of Oprah taking center of a photo of female journalists honoring her.  Oprah felt that Oprah was the best gift Oprah could give anyone who isn't Oprah.

BEST PROOF CELEBRITIES ARE JUST LIKE US - American treasure Reese Witherspoon showed she wasn't afraid to slum it like us small folks when she got out and pumped her own gas.  Of course she had no idea how to make it pour gas out.


From Bakko, Marty and Mirek... HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

See you in 2015


Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Merry Christmas! And Fuck You Duggar's!

I’m not familiar with the Duggars.  I’m told they have a reality TV show with the focus being on how fertile the mom is squirting out at least one kid every calendar year for a few decades.  Of course anyone who has so goddamn many kids is going to love the lord because no one loves kids much less pushing them through their vagina enough to have that many.  Because of that you know the kids will be brainwashed a sense of entitlement and moral superiority.  Not how I would raise my family but that just shines a light on an area where I am more than comfortable saying I am morally superior to anyone in this garbage bag family.  I don’t feel it’s my place to tell them how many kids to have.  How to raise them.  What to call them or how to set their fucking table.  Feed em.  Clothe them.  Get them a proper education.  Do all that in the walls of societies laws and what the fuck do I care how you do it?  The Duggars however feel they need to tell people in cities they will never live in how to live.  You know.  Because Jesus.   
They dumped a bunch of their hard earned cash into an ad campaign in an effort to repeal a nondiscrimination ordinance that “prohibits discrimination in employment, housing, real estate transactions, city services, business transactions and public accommodations based on ‘race, ethnicity, national origin, age (if 18 or older), gender, gender identity, gender expression, familial status, marital status, socioeconomic background, religion, sexual orientation, disability or veteran status”.  Now I will be the first to admit that socioeconomic is a pretty big word for your average resident of Arkansas but it’s hard to find something in this ordinance to disagree with.  Unless you’re a Duggar.
Is this promoting sodomy?
They spent over 10 grand investing in campaigns of opponents of Fayettville’s new (new?) Civil Rights Administration Ordinance.  What exactly did they find upsetting about this ordinance that seemingly just says, “Hey.  How bout we not refuse to hire someone because they are in a wheel chair or, you know… black.”  It’s what it doesn’t say that gets the religious nuts bible bags in a bunch.  It doesn’t specifically say that a convicted pedophile can’t film your 9 year old daughter get changed at the community swimming pool.  It doesn’t specifically say gays can’t force you children to watch gay porn.  While intelligent minds would acknowledge there are already laws on the books regarding such acts, Michelle Duggar did what any inbred, fear mongering, hate spewing pious piece shit would do.  Appeal to the parent. 
Below is the transcript of a Robo-call featuring the voice of spawn puking vagina known as Michelle Duggar imploring the fine citizns of Fayetteville to reach into their hearts and find the hate that God gave them.  Let’s Snark Chop shall we. 
“Hello, this is Michelle Duggar.


Hi Michelle.  You sound stupid.


I’m calling to inform you of some shocking news that would affect the safety of Northwest Arkansas women and children.


Dear God!  This sounds serious.  And from a Duggar no less!


The Fayetteville City Council is voting on an ordinance this Tuesday night that would allow men – yes I said men –


Good.  Good.  People tend to get confused when you use an ambiguous term like “Men”.


to use women’s and girls’ restrooms, locker rooms, showers, sleeping areas and other areas that are designated for females only.


I don’t mean to be snarky (BONG!) but I think you know that isn’t true. 


I don’t believe the citizens of Fayetteville would want males with past child predator convictions that claim they are female to have a legal right to enter private areas that are reserved for women and girls. I doubt that Fayetteville parents would stand for a law that would endanger their daughters or allow them to be traumatized by a man joining them in their private space.


Of course not.   But when you say "claim they are female" it sounds like you have direct knowledge to the contrary.  Yet you lack specifics?  And since you don’t live here I’m not sure why you feel a need to be involved.


We should never place the preference of an adult over the safety and innocence of a child.


Not sure where you read that in the ordinance.  What the hell goes on in the Duggar household?


Parents, who do you want undressing next to your daughter at the public swimming pool’s private changing area?


Preferably no one.


I still believe that we are a society that puts women and children first. Women, young ladies and little girls deserve to use the restroom or any other facility in peace and safety. Will you speak up for protecting women and children?”


And we end with a general statement that is more of an attempt at mental sleight of hand than it is any moral standing.  Again Michelle, where in the ordinance do you get little girls won't be allowed to use a restroom in peace or safety? 


None of what you said was made ok by the law you are trying to repeal.  But of course you know that.  Rather than live your life by the actual teachings of Jesus Christ you have chosen to be a purveyor of bigotry.  The people of Fayetteville Arkansas may be weak to your parlor tricks but that only means you are taking advantage of them.  You claim to live your life by the teachings of God and his son Jesus Christ yet you lie in name of that religion.  You have means that Jesus would find obscene.  And you actually have the audacity to claim a victory for civil rights.  I don’t think you know what civil rights are.  Because you are celebrating stripping people of them. 


Fine Example of WWJD
A kid is more likely to get molested at a Church than a swimming pool locker room.  Since you are such an advocate for protecting the children, what have you done to stop them from getting raped by pedophile Priests and Pastors?  What resources did you provide for the victims of that horrible crime?  You and your family are vile horrible human beings.  You twist the words of your faith to intentionally lead people from the truth.  And just like the Priest that puts his penis in a child’s mouth your actions are even more heinous as you do it in the name of God. 


So if this is what you really want then I don’t want you in any public bathroom I might use.  Who knows what crazy acts of sodomy you will inflict on me or other unsuspecting functional brains.  Why don’t you just go home and use your own.  And don’t even think about getting in that swimming pool.  You probably have the jizz and vaginal juice of 19 duggars caked all over your body.  Ick. 


You want to overturn a law that says we can’t discriminate people based on their religious views then allow me to discriminate against you and your supporters because of yours.  If there is a God I’m sure he’s more than capable of addressing your lies and deceit in his name.  In the meantime.  Go home.  You aren't needed.  It's not the responsibility of the citizens of Fayetteville, AK to keep you entertained.    
Happy Holidays you self righteous bitch.  
And to all... a good night!  

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Snark At The Moon 2014 Man Of The Year

To be named SATMMOTY is an honor of the highest regard.  It means you were brave enough to carve your path in spite of common sense or basic decency.  It means you stood in the way of naysayers and basic logic and said “I don’t care about you or anyone else!”  The SATMMOTY has put his own shit under his nose and declared it odor free.  This year there were many who were considered.  Kanye put in a strong performance to repeat.  Charlie Sheen got wasted and hung out at a Taco Bell.  Johnny Football doing coke (allegedly) in a bathroom.  Gene Simmons telling depressed people to kill themselves only to have Robin Williams take his advice.  And Kirk Cameron came out of nowhere to make a strong year end push with a new movie and his desire for women to cook and sing while decorating the house.
Alas as the choices were laid and sorted none of these could quite match the qualities of this years inductee.
This years inductee may have gave you a half chub while pushing stroller, released a book of self portraits, was attacked by a paparazzo while exiting a limo and may or may not have been paid $500,000 to have sex out of wedlock.
A living testament to contradiction.  This years inductee is world famous yet has no fans.  Claims to have a resplendent work ethic yet has no job.  Can't go anywhere without being photographed yet fills time away from the camera's taking selfies.  We here at Snark At The Moon ask you to honor this year’s winner, NOT by standing but by sitting.  On that big fat ass of yours.   The Snark At The Moon, 2014, Man Of The Year is... 


God may have punished you by making you fat post-prego but we here at SATM honor you with our highest, um, honor.  You may get out to pump the gas but you clearly wear the pants in your family.  You spent the last year pissing off actual working mothers everywhere by discussing how hard it is to balance time with your child and whatever it is you think you do for a living.  You honor your marriage by regularly accepting six figure sums to be someone’s "date" for an evening.  Your family has taken over the E! network by showing the world how void of meaning your lives are.  And if it weren’t for you, no one would know who Scott Disick is.  You could’ve single handedly been the lone talking point for SATM in 2014 and considering what else there was to talk about, that’s quite an achievement.  While we all enjoyed your early work you had become quite tiresome.  Then you rally with bare ass and boobs.  So as we give you this award we also ask you to go away.  At the very least stick to baring your ass or tits.  Just stop talking.
We did advance an interview request to Kim’s publicist who was so anxious to pass on it she took only two minutes to say no.  Hey, she could've said nothing.  Below is that exchange.       

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Alcohol of Fame 2015 Nominees

Here are the nominee's for the Snark At The Moon Alcohol Of Fame, Class of 2015.  Winners will be announced the first week of February. 
Justin Timberlake - Probably not the first name that comes to mind when you think of famous drunks but that's how they all start.  Sneaky. 

Miley Cyrus - In what is a sad and desperate attempt to seem more grown up Miley has resorted slutting around and doing body shots of the local skanks in a I'm totally cool with lesbians way.  Sadly she will always look like a boy so it ends up being an uncomfortable arousal.  The kind that needs booze. 
Justin Bieber - Is he even old enough?  He has been videod taking a piss in a mop bucket while some creepy old guy watched.  His drunken parties has ended with the cops investigating an egging at a neighbors house.  Fuck them.  He's J-Biebs dammit!
Scott Stapp -  Well known for drunken on stage ramblings and half assed attempts at singing, ole yerdeler's tale has gotten kind of sad as it seems to have gone a little bat shit.  His ex is trying to get him committed while he's trying to file fraud charges against the US Government on Thanksgiving Day.  Stay thirsty you crazy bastard.
Lemmy - Just missed the cut last year, lifetime alcoholic Lemmy hopes the second time is the charm.  His years of drinking have caught up to him however as he battles with his doctor over the definition of "No more".  Good luck to him as the world needs more Lemmy and less Biebs, Stapp and Timberlake. 
Rob Ford - Super politician Rob Ford has finally lost his hold on the office of Mayor for the great city of Toronto.  Hopefully he won't lose his hold on that bottle of double malt. 
Amy Winehouse -  Her addiction took her life.  But not her booze. 
Pamela Anderson - This picture say "I still got it."  If by it you mean a drinking problem then yeah sweetheart.  Ya still got it. 
Diana Ross - When of the most famous DUI arrests in the history of DUI arrests Ms. Ross acted just like we thought she would if she were pulled over and hammered. 
Kate Moss - Once you survive a heroin addiction drinking ain't shit.  Still bouncing around on the cocks of largely heterosexual photgraphers Kate always finds time to party.  She is one highball away from doing hardcore porn so to that we say, drink up!
Lindsay Lohan - Has anyone ever slammed so much drunko in to such little time?  Lilo looks like she aged 40 years in a month and a half.  We now know where her mom got her looks.  Cigarettes and alocohol. 
Noel Gallagher - The feistier of the Gallaghers.  So his bands day is over.  Put on a football match and have a few pints as the boys run round the pitch.  He's also a bit of a fighter when drunk so, you know.  Look out.