Friday, August 8, 2014

Why Everyone Hates YOUR Team: An NFL Primer For 2014 - AFC

Gene Simmons attends a Raiders with FOON host *Rob Kern

New England Patriots - Your QB is too good and too good looking.  You're nothing but a bunch of cheating chowdah heads.  Your stupid helmets look like an arena league team and your owner was an Oompah Loompah.  Your previous owner sold razors and sexually harassed women.  And I don't think anyone in Boston knew you existed before Tom Brady.

Miami Dolphins - You pick on 300 pound losers.  You spend all your time masturbating to pictures of Dan Marino while wearing Isotoner gloves.  And fans in Miami are only fans when you win.  Way too close to Castro.  Your uniforms are stupid and Jacksonville has better attendance.  And your team picks on minorities with racist remarks about the wrong race. 

New York Jets - Unlovable losers.  Bad QB play seems to be Standard Operating Procedure.  They brought in Tim Tebow not in spite of the distractions, but FOR the distractions.  Your uniforms are fucking ugly.  And your biggest fan, Fireman Ed is a loser.  He actually thinks he's so important he needs to officially retire as Fireman Ed.  From the fans to the field you've made sucking an art form.  And I'm pretty sure Mark Gastineau beats women. 

Buffalo Bills - What the hell happened?  I can't remember the last time I knew who your coach or QB was.  

Pittsburgh Steelers - Well your QB rapes women in bathrooms.  And if that wasn't bad enough he pays off duty cops to keep any decent human from stopping it.  Terry Bradshaw was ugly.  Lynn Swann was gay. (Not the good kind) and Mean Joe Greene was a smelly asshole who thought throwing his dirty laundry at a kid was a sign of appreciation.  And when Troy Polamalu almost tackles someone it's not a great play.

Cincinnati Bengals - Are you still in the league?  How is it Marvin Lewis has been your coach for like a decade and I had to look his name up?  Your QB's smile scares little children.  And can he not afford a box of hair dye?  Icky Woods was never any good.  And thanks to you we have to see Cris Collinsworth FACE on Sunday Night Football games.  So thanks for that assholes.

Cleveland Browns - You treated Art Modell like a second class citizen then piss on his grave?  Your current owner is such a jerk Sam Walton's kids think he's insensitive to the plight of the working man.  You cheered when your own QB was carted off the field.  You draft Johnny Football and then act surprised when he acts like a dick hole.  The Dawg pound is just grown men with no chance of ever having sex.  And your team is in Cleveland. 

Baltimore Ravens - You belong in Cleveland.  No one wants to be in an elevator with any current or former Raven named Ray.  Ozzie Newsome sounds like he has Down Syndrome when he talks.  Your coach thinks missing two games for beating your wife is a good lesson for kids.  And you won a Super Bowl with Trent Dilfer.  Fuck YOU!

Indianapolis Colts – Your owner’s a druggie who likes to get shit faced before hitting twitter.  His Dad makes Art Modell look like the Pope.  For some reason having Peyton Manning for 15 years wasn’t enough so you end up Andrew Luck.  Who looks like a weasel by the way.  And is there a single white person at any of your games that isn’t cleaning the bathrooms? 

Tennessee Titans – Remember when you were the Houston Oilers and a respected franchise?  No one else does either.  Nice name by the way.  Real provincial.  What the fuck is a Titan?  Sounds like a virgin butthole.  Eddie George didn’t just average 4.1 yards per carry.  That’s exactly what he got every carry.  How do you leave Texas for the inbred hills of Tennessee?

Houston Texans – Clever name.  Hasn’t someone used it before?  Drafting David Carr worked out sweet.  The only good thing about giving Houston another franchise is it meant LA wasn’t going to get one.  Other than the pathetic punching bags who fill the stands, no one in Texas gives a shit about any team not named the Cowboys.  Picking on you is like picking on a retard. 

Jacksonville Jaguars – Does your owner know he looks like the result of Ron Jeremy and Geraldo Rivera mixing their man gravy together in some twisted artificial insemination?  And what’s with the two-tone helmet?  Someone challenged you to an ugly uniform contest?  Your team is worthless the only players I can even remember are Mark Brunell and ... Jesus.  That’s it.  And he was weird. 

Denver Broncos – Is there a dumber collection of sports fans outside of Denver?  They were actually upset that they chose Peyton Manning over Tim Tebow.  They won’t admit that now.  Maybe it’s the thin air but "smart guy" isn’t something you’ll think after meeting a Bronco fan.  And who designed their new helmets.  It looks like something from the custom uniform feature on Madden 2004.  The face of the franchise John Elway, looks like a horse.  Was drafted by the Colts and traded to the Broncos.  Coincidence?  Thanks to them we had to look at Mike Shanahan’s face for the last 15 years. 

San Diego Chargers – Anything that close to a Donkey Show can’t be worth it.  LaDanian Tomlinson was a cry baby pussy who never came through in big games.  They will always be featured in “Biggest Draft Bust” lists for the whole Ryan Leaf thing.  I'm embarrassed for them for representing the AFC in Super Bowl XXIX?  And how do you score 26 points and still lose by 23?  Just like the Jets they missed their ugly ass old uni’s so much they wear them full time now. 

Oakland Raiders – Just Win Baby!  Please. Sometime.  Most of the fan base are gang bangers. You’re more likely to see 12 people stabbed at a Raider game than they are to score 12 points.  Their kicker is a fat ass who spends his free time dropping molly and sticking glow sticks in his mouth.  They have made cheating an art and if it wasn’t for Al Davis’ hiring him I wouldn’t have the image of John Maddens hot dog fingers gripping a phalic looking microphone burned into my mind.  Everyone feels tough in Raider gear.  Thanks to NWA they also look like the kind of people who purchase unregistered weapons from a grown man sucking on a pacifier. 

Kansas City Chiefs – Do you like boring football?  Then the Chiefs have been your team for the last 5 decades.  When was the last time they were fun to watch?  Christian Okoye could get ya 1500 yards in a season.  He’d just need 600 carries.  I’m pretty sure a 49 year old Steve DeBerg had the most prolific season for a QB in Chiefs history.  Your coach spends his offseason hosting Wilford Brimley look alike parties.  Another fan base whiter than a box of Minute Rice.  Good move letting Jared Allen go. 

*Rob Kern is a co-host of the awesome music podcast From Out Of Nowhere   

1 comment:

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