25 Albums Turning 25 That You Should Own (Or Your An Idiot)

1989 is considered a bit of a dead zone for music.  The year came and went without new music from heavy hitters like Def Leppard, Guns N Roses, Bon Jovi, Bruce Springsteen and Whitney Houston.  Even the surging thrash metal scene only saw an EP of mostly covers from one of it's Big 4 (Metallica, Slayer, Megadeth and Anthrax) with Anthrax's Penikufesin EP.  It was also the year Milli Vanilli released their now infamous debut record of music recorded by not them.  The New Kids were starting to peak, Debbie Gibson and Tiffany were making music for shopping, Michael Bolton was taking over the world with his neutored soul singing, Prince went instrumental for the Batman Soundtrack, Aerosmith continued down the path of mediocrity with Pump while Madonna released one of the most masturbated to music video's for her song Like A Prayer. So there is reason to loathe the music of 1989

But it was also a year of resurgence for artists like Alice Cooper who released the career resurrecting Trash and Cher was suddenly topical again with her album Heart of Stone and the song Turn Back Time (Another spank heavy video.)  The Rolling Stones came back to tour stadiums on their Steel Wheels Tour.  Underground artists like the B-52's and Red Hot Chili Peppers saw their first mainstream success with their songs Love Shack and Higher Ground respectively.  Paving the way for a future major shift in music from bands like Nirvana and Soundgarden who both released groundbreaking records in 1989. Mother Love Bone, the band that would largely become Pearl Jam, released their debut ep Shine in 1989.  All of which would create a path for huge success for bands like Green Day and the Offspring.  Both of which released their debut albums in 1989.

It also featured debut releases from the hair metal bands like Warrant, Dangerous Toys, Skid Row and Enuff Z'Nuff just a couple years before the sunset strip 80's metal scene became irrelevant.

Even suburban white boys had something to champion with releases from Tone Loc, Young MC and for those 18 and older 2 Live Crew.  

It also was the year of an album that is at least in the top 10 of most influential alums of all time with the debut from Nine Inch Nails, Pretty Hate Machine.  

So I made a list.  Below are 25 albums that everyone should have.  They all turn 25 this year meaning they can rent a car.  The list is in no order and I only used one criteria. They must be in my album collection.  I have over 50 records released in 1989 so I figured if I don't own it.  How good could it be. So I give you...

25 Albums You Must Own Or You Are An Idiot!!! (In no particular order.)  

    

White Zombie - Make Them Die Slowly

Accept - Eat The Heat

Ace Frehley - Trouble Walkin'

Badlands - Badlands

Black Sabbath - Headless Cross

Blue Murder - Blue Murder

Dangerous Toys - Dangerous Toys

Extreme - Extreme

Faster Pussycat - Wake Me When It's Over

Faith No More - The Real Thing

KISS - Hot In The Shade

L.A. Guns - Cocked & Loaded

Lenny Kravitz - Let Love Rule

Loudness - Soldier Of Fortune

Metal Church - Blessing In Disguise

Mother Love Bone - Shine

Motley Crue - Dr. Feelgood

Nine Inch Nail - Pretty Hate Machine

Primus - Suck On This

Sepultura - Beneath The Remains

Skid Row - Skid Row

Soundgarden - Louder Than Love

Tesla - The Great Radio Controversy

Testament - Practice What You Preach

W.A.S.P. - The Headless Children

Are Packer Fans The Worst Fans Ever?

The Urban Dictionary defines a Packer fan as: Someone who is a fan of the Green Bay Packers American football team. They are usually dumb and stump, inbred, drunk, disorderly, ugly, smelly, foul beasts.

 

There is a line between passionate fandom and moronic obsession.  And it’s about the size of Green bay Wisconsin.  Those of us who have saddled their allegiance to a team of a given sport know the ups and downs that come with giving of yourself emotionally to a billion dollar corporation that appreciates your support so much it has purposely priced you out of the arena they play in and threatened you and your fellow tax payers with demands that we make it easier for them to make money.  But we still do it.  And all sports have their rivalries and while some knuckleheads will actually debate the quality of their rivalry against yours, when you look at a group of fans objectively you realize that deep down, we are all quite the same.  We just chose a different jersey.  Well.  Except for one group of fans.  The Cheesheads.

Living in Minnesota we get a heavy dose of these pompous losers strutting around like Mossy Cade on parole.  And not just the two times a year that Minnesota and Green Bay play each other, the other 363 days as well.  These sociopaths lack the skill to separate anything in their life from tha Packahz.  Work, funerals, stopping for gas.  They are incapable of having a conversation that doesn’t somehow involve their beloved team.  Christmas parties.  Company picnics.  Weddings.  Funerals.  No place is safe.  They are like some kind of psychotic cyborg that sorts people based on the team they root for.  Then they dial up some fresh convo that references your team and the Packers and allows them to flash a smile that makes you wanna bash their face in with a sledge hammer.

“We don’t play indoors because we can handle the elements.”  (Followed by a punch me in the face grin)

“Dude.  Do we have to talk about this at my nephews baptism.”

And they have just one comeback to any rational attempt to change the subject.  You’re just jealous.

“Football season ended 4 months ago.  Maybe we can talk about something else.”

“You’re just jealous.” 

Their entire wardrobe can put into one of two categories.  Home and away.  They have Packer clothing for all occasions.  Formal wear (Paul Horning authentic jersey) to casual wear (Packer logo Hawaiian style shirt) and everything in between.  On a Wednesday night in Las Vegas I was amazed at the number of people I saw in Packer gear.  They can’t even go on vacation unless they can make sure complete strangers know they love the Packers.  The women look like they live in a bowling alley.  Revlon.  I beg of you.  Teach them about make up.  And God forbid you whip out a football during a picnic in the summer time or as the Shareholders call it.  Pre-Season.  Every pass they throw will be from Bart Starr or Lyn Dickey.  If you happen to drop a pass they’ll bring up the Monday night game when the ball bounced off Chris Dishman’s ass and into Antonio Freemans balls for a game winning TD.

One Lucky guy and the two hottest chicks in Wisconsin

They love their team so much you will see a couple hundred of them attend a Viking/Panthers game sporting their “nice clothes” throughout the Metrodome.  Instead of watching their beloved Packers, they will attend a different game just to show off the most expensive piece of clothing they own while complaining about the building they’re in.  And to puke in a urinal and pee in a sink.   

Every exchange will eventually lead to “How many Super Bowls have you won?”  I like trash talk but it has to be better than that doesn’t it?  “How many Super Bowls have you won?” is stupid on so many levels.  The first and most obvious is that as a spectator I watch Super Bowls I don’t win them.  But do these dipshit’s realize they are basically saying they wouldn’t be a fan of the Packers if they had never won a Super Bowl?  They are also the only fan base that counts the championships from the 20’s and 30’s when there were only 4 teams and players wore leather helmets.  Back then good players routinely turned down a job playing football professionally because they had a college education and could make more money doing anything else.

He owns the team.  Well, 1/5,000,000th of the team.

 

Despite the admission that they only root for the Packers because of their Championship’s they will tell you they support their team no matter what.  They didn’t tell you that from 1970 – 1993 but they will tell you.  And can we stop talking about Lambeau likes it’s the birthplace of Jesus.  It’s so fucking great that they played half of their home games in Milwaukee from 1953 to 1994.  If Lambeau is football Mecca, why play so many games over 4 decades in a different stadium?  Does it take that long to paint bleachers?  And surely the Greatest Fans on the earth don’t mind the 2 hour trip from Milwaukee to Green Bay 8 times a year.  

They are best fans ever.  Why?  Because they have decided that football will encompass their entire life?  Because they are willing to buy a worthless stock that is only sold to give the team money in exchange for nothing?  Because it never dawned on them that the “seats” at Lambeau field are identical to the ones at their high school?  After an almost $300 million in tax payer funded upgrades?  

They are smug delusional trolls who exist only to make football less enjoyable for others.  They have the fashion sense of a pig farmer and smell even worse.  The world is their toilet and they want you to know it.  But after a couple decades of dealing with these morons we finally got some payback. 

40,000 of “The Greatest Fans in the World” turned down the chance to buy playoff tickets.  An historic number in any town.  Now to be fair the Pack pretty much limped into the playoffs and it was going to be real cold.  The threat of the game not being televised loomed as the team was granted an extension to sell enough tickets to avoid a local television blackout.  In the end they were bailed out by some corporate sponsors buying the remaining 3000 tickets.  This happens all time… in other cities.  And there’s the crux.  This is only news because it happened in Green Bay.  It’s only news because they never have a hard time selling tickets.  They have a season ticket waiting list so long the estimated wait time is 700 years.  This is only news because for 20 years these smug pricks have talked about corporate ticket buys in other cities as examples of how they are better fans.  This is only news because they have been using the fact that these things never happen to the Packers as PROOF that they are the heartiest and greatest fans of any team anywhere.  It’s only news because of all the excuses, back peddling and whining that followed.  It was cold.  It was short notice.  It was right after the holidays and people are broke.  Reasons that Cheeseheads will say are irrelevant when disparaging a fan of any other team.  

Look at all the Cheeseheads tailgating before the game last Sunday.

The worst thing is there is no reaching them.  You need to rape the exhumed body of Vince Lombardi to wipe that smirk of their face.  Even as they are reading this they are preparing gems like “How many titles…”  and “You’re just jealous”.  They will try to twist everything I laid out as being upset over the outcome of a game.  IT WILL NEVER DAWN ON THESE HALF WITS I HAVEN’T MADE ONE COMMENT ABOUT THE ACTUAL TEAM!.  Alas the best way to beat criticism is to smile like you want your face shoved into the frozen tundra at Historic Lambeau field.  Go Pack Go!  Go wipe your ass with the toilet paper they told you was stock.  Enjoy the view from the owners box or as the rest of the world calls it, your couch.  

How I Would Fix The Vikings (An open letter to Rick Spielman)

The season is officially over for my beloved Vikings and I have decided to use this forum to break down how I would solve their woes.  Before I do let me share my credentials.  The only time I have participated in organized football of any kind was 7^th grade.  I was so bad they moved me from QB to guard.  The experience was so dreadful I wanted to quit but somehow convinced myself to stick it out.  Beyond that it’s been pickup games with friends and Madden.  I have however been turned down, in writing, for a coaching job with the Vikings that I wasn’t qualified for.  You can’t get turned down without being considered.  Right?    

While I’m clearly not an expert I can count the number of Vikings games I’ve missed since 1980 on both hands.  I think that level of torture gives one a certain perspective that can be useful.  So let’s fix our Vikings.     

Well they just fired the coach so I guess first thing you do is hire a new one.  Your last two coaches routinely seemed in over their head.  Childress was a jerk and stupid.  Frazier was a nice enough guy but was too willing to credit God for key decisions.  I got nothing against God and to each his own as far as faith.  I just think anyone capable of doing this job should have more than faith to guide the team and scheme game plans and such.  And if one thing should be clear, loving Jesus has no impact on football games.  This is a pretty elite gig.  I don’t care if he’s a calming presence on the sidelines or one of those guys who blows a vessel after every play.  Just don’t give Jesus all the credit.  Oh.  I guess it would be nice if they hired someone with head coaching experience at this level.

The new uniforms are terrible.  Especially the matte helmet.  If you insist on keeping the jersey’s with those stupid numbers that are supposed to be Viking ships at least go back to a shiny helmet.  They look like they are covered in a layer of frost.  And while I like the purple pants by my tally they have never won a game in them.  They probably are bad luck.  Ditch em.

Sign Jared Allen.  I don’t give a shit how much it takes it’s all monopoly money at this level.  Cap schmap.  You found $20 million to get Favre off the tractor a week before the season started in 2010 you can scrape together whatever it would take to keep one the teams most popular players.  He’s getting old. He’s not as productive blah blah blah.  They are certain instances when it’s worth keeping an aging player around.  You blew it with Matt Birk a few years ago.  And he went on to win a Super Bowl with Baltimore.  Don’t let Jared see what kind of interest is out there.  Let him know now not later that he is a Viking.       

Then you need a QB.  But again.  No one too religious.  Religion is for positions that don’t require intelligence.  Pretty much anything but QB or Coach.  Ponder was slightly less religious than Tim Tebow and ergo a slightly better QB.  Correct me if I’m wrong I don’t recall Bret Favre thanking God after games.  Coming from the south you know he goes to church.  We don’t need some religious nut leaving his understanding of a playbook in God’s hands.  An NFL QB knows the Playbook is the most important book in his life.  And he’s banging everything that moves in his down time.  Not rushing to Wisconsin mid season for a secret wedding to a woman he’s never seen naked.

That’s about it I think.  Oh yeah.  Get some better defensive players. You can send my Super Bowl ring the the SATM office’s.