Thursday, January 2, 2014

How I Would Fix The Vikings (An open letter to Rick Spielman)

The season is officially over for my beloved Vikings and I have decided to use this forum to break down how I would solve their woes.  Before I do let me share my credentials.  The only time I have participated in organized football of any kind was 7th grade.  I was so bad they moved me from QB to guard.  The experience was so dreadful I wanted to quit but somehow convinced myself to stick it out.  Beyond that it’s been pickup games with friends and Madden.  I have however been turned down, in writing, for a coaching job with the Vikings that I wasn’t qualified for.  You can’t get turned down without being considered.  Right?    

While I’m clearly not an expert I can count the number of Vikings games I’ve missed since 1980 on both hands.  I think that level of torture gives one a certain perspective that can be useful.  So let’s fix our Vikings.     

Well they just fired the coach so I guess first thing you do is hire a new one.  Your last two coaches routinely seemed in over their head.  Childress was a jerk and stupid.  Frazier was a nice enough guy but was too willing to credit God for key decisions.  I got nothing against God and to each his own as far as faith.  I just think anyone capable of doing this job should have more than faith to guide the team and scheme game plans and such.  And if one thing should be clear, loving Jesus has no impact on football games.  This is a pretty elite gig.  I don’t care if he’s a calming presence on the sidelines or one of those guys who blows a vessel after every play.  Just don’t give Jesus all the credit.  Oh.  I guess it would be nice if they hired someone with head coaching experience at this level.

The new uniforms are terrible.  Especially the matte helmet.  If you insist on keeping the jersey’s with those stupid numbers that are supposed to be Viking ships at least go back to a shiny helmet.  They look like they are covered in a layer of frost.  And while I like the purple pants by my tally they have never won a game in them.  They probably are bad luck.  Ditch em.

Sign Jared Allen.  I don’t give a shit how much it takes it’s all monopoly money at this level.  Cap schmap.  You found $20 million to get Favre off the tractor a week before the season started in 2010 you can scrape together whatever it would take to keep one the teams most popular players.  He’s getting old. He’s not as productive blah blah blah.  They are certain instances when it’s worth keeping an aging player around.  You blew it with Matt Birk a few years ago.  And he went on to win a Super Bowl with Baltimore.  Don’t let Jared see what kind of interest is out there.  Let him know now not later that he is a Viking.       

Then you need a QB.  But again.  No one too religious.  Religion is for positions that don’t require intelligence.  Pretty much anything but QB or Coach.  Ponder was slightly less religious than Tim Tebow and ergo a slightly better QB.  Correct me if I’m wrong I don’t recall Bret Favre thanking God after games.  Coming from the south you know he goes to church.  We don’t need some religious nut leaving his understanding of a playbook in God’s hands.  An NFL QB knows the Playbook is the most important book in his life.  And he’s banging everything that moves in his down time.  Not rushing to Wisconsin mid season for a secret wedding to a woman he’s never seen naked.

That’s about it I think.  Oh yeah.  Get some better defensive players. You can send my Super Bowl ring the the SATM office’s.       

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