I Wouldn't Call It A SUPER Group Bob

The term Super Group is being tossed around a little loosely these days.  While definitions in the English language are commonly being watered down or twisted to fit what poses for wit, it doesn’t mean it’s ok.  As a society and as a race (human) we should inspire to be better.  To be smarter.  Instead it looks like we are seeing the beginning signs of a society that before long will resemble the movie Idiocracy.  But that’s not what we’re talking about now is it.  We are talking about what constitutes a “Super” group.  I for one am not going to stay quiet while John Sykes and Brian Downey are secretly meeting in Dublin. 

 

It was announced this week the Jack Blades along with Deen Castronovo and Doug Aldrich are currently hunkered down in a recording studio working on an album for their as yet unnamed Supergroup.  This seems to be all 50 year old (or older) rockers do now days.  They slap together a few guys.  Release an album.  Mention they already have another album done.  Tour and release that second record and then disappear.  KXM, Black Country Communion, Adrenaline Mob and The Winery Dogs.  Recent collaborations that lack that “Super” part of Supergroup.  This isn’t about ability or quality.  This is about star power.  Star power is the reason why the name Bret Michaels instantly conjures images of abs and wigs and the name Mike Orlando makes you think of Google.  To put it another way.  If your biggest claim to fame is being in Deep Purple after Ian Gillan, then you can’t be the biggest star in your “Super” group.

 

The Highwaymen = Super!

After thinking about it for roughly 30 seconds I am pretty sure there have been only two Supergroups that were almost entirely a collection of A listers.  The Highwaymen and The Traveling Wilburys.  Maybe Chickenfoot?  It really depends on how you grade Michael Anthony.  Them Crooked Vultures comes close with Dave Grohl and John Paul Jones but with JPJ being so removed from stardom and Josh Homme not exactly a household name it just falls short.  Still a Supergroup.  Just not the "Superest" of groups.      

 

So what is a “Super” group?  For starters it has to have at least one A Lister.  It doesn’t have to be an A Lister in all walks like a Jimmy Page.  But in the genre they are known for or the instrument they play an A Lister.  Timing matters as well.  Take Contraband for instance.  Assembled at the end of the Sunset Strip era it contained a who’s who of the time.  If they were to do it today it would be a who’s who of who’s that.  But lets keep moving.  So you need one A List member.  And no more than one member can be an unknown.  Those three criteria must be met to even be considered for Supergroup status.  Unless Eric Clapton is in the band.  Eric Clapton has made a career about of being in Supergroups.  Because of that any band that has Clapton is automatically a Supergroup.  We’ll call it the Clapton factor.

 

With those established commandments we can now go forth and grade some of the so called “Super” groups to see if they are truly “Super” or just a collection of musicians.  To do this lets borrow from the education system and use what I’ll call the SPA or Super Point Average.  With 4 being the maximum SPA one can reach, for a group to be considered “Super” it needs to have at least a combined cumulative 3.0 SPA among its members.  Anything lower just isn’t “Super”.  And as long as it doesn’t contain more than one unknown member, (Damn Yankees) there will be no penalty for said member.  The SPA will be established with the remaining members.  So let’s break a few down.  First some old ones. 

 

Travleing Wilburys

 

Did you remember to get lunch Jeff? 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

George Harrison: 4.0

Bob Dylan: 4.0

Tom Petty: 4.0

Jeff Lynne: 3.3

Roy Orbison: 4.0

SPA: 3.86 

Traveling Wilburys =SUPER!

 

Damn Yankees

We're best buddies forever

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ted Nugent: 4.0

Tommy Shaw: 2.7

Jack Blades: 3.3

Drummer?: 0 (No Penalty)

SPA: 3.3 

Damn Yankees = SUPER!

 

Mr. Big

Fat girls welcome

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Eric Martin: 1.0

Paul Gilbert: 2.3

Billy Sheehan: 2.7

Pat Torpey: 0 (No penalty)

SPA: 2.0

 

Mr. Big = Not super

 

 

Now some of the newer ones that spawned this whole talking point. 

 

Velvet Revolver

We're our own AA meeting

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Scott Weiliand: 3.7

Slash: 4.0

Duff: 3.3

Matt Sorum: 2.0

Dave Kushner: 0 (No Penalty)

SPA: 3.25 = SUPER!

 

KXM

This is where we met

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

George Lynch: 2.3

Dug Pinnick: 1.3

Ray Luzier: .7

SPA: 1.43

 

KXM = Not super

 

Winery Dogs

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Richie Kotzen: 1.0

Mike Portnoy: 2.0

Billy Sheehan: 2.0

SPA: 1.67

 

Winery Dogs = Not super

 

Unnamed Jack Blades Project

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jack Blades: 1.7

Doug Aldrich: .7

Deen Castronovo: .7

SPA: 1.03

 

???? = Not super

 

 

Eric Clapton sitting on a bench by himself

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Eric Clapton sitting on a bench by himself = Super!

 

 

Now you may have noticed that both Billy Sheehan and Jack Blades received lower scores for the current bands than they did for their earlier work.  That’s because not everyone is Elvis.  Elvis was and always will be a 4.0 on the SPA.  Their personal star power has dropped dramatically in the years between said projects.

 

So I hope that clears everything up.  From here forth there will be no more gray area regarding the Superness of a group.  Using the criteria set here and applying an SPA you can determine whether the band you love is Super or not. 

 

It Might Be Time To Bailout The NFL

 

This week the NFL’s brain trust announced they were thinking of charging the musicians they hire to perform at the Super Bowl halftime show.  They would do so by getting a percentage of tour revenue following their performance.  The NFL seems to think it’s losing about 100 Million dollars in lost ad revenue during that 12 minute period.

 

NFL.  Baby.  If you needed money.  Why didn't you ask?

 

Well I for one had no idea the NFL was so strapped for cash.  But now that we do know it's time we took action.  I think it is all of our duties to do what we can to help resurrect this once great league.  At the very least we have to Try!  So for my part I came up with some ways the NFL can raise some money while also cutting some costs.      

 

Start a Gatorade Bucket Challenge – Around 25 million was raised for ALS.  For something as worthwhile as the NFL you gotta be able to double that and your halfway there. 

 

Buy a keg and sell cups for $1,000,000.  You sell 100 cups and you’ve recouped the whole amount those greedy musicians have stolen from you.

 

Reduce Costs – We are all aware the NFL is barely making any profit on a 9 dollar beer, but why not use thinner plastic for the beer cups in stadiums.  You’ll save money on plastic plus they will spill easier meaning more beer sales. 

 

Charge fatter players more for their jersey’s.

 

While we’re at it, make Andy Reid pay for a second seat on all team flights.  Airlines would do it.  And since we’re taking a lead from the airlines, charge players $50 to check their bags and $25 for each additional bag.

 

Expansion Fees – The Houston Texans had to fork over $700,000,000 for the right to be an NFL expansion team.  Why not make the Raiders and The Browns pay an expansion fee every season.  The field one every season.

 

Replace Joe Buck with silence.

 

 

Mom and Dad – Between front office and players the NFL and it’s franchises employ over 3000 people.  If everyone just asked their folks for a few bucks it could add up to some real coin. 

 

 

 

Sell the Washington Redskins to the Native Americans.  You make a pile of money while once again the white man screws the Indians.

 

Make players bring their own balls. 

 

 

Charge fans for the opportunity to return kicks.

 

 

Start fining players for minor uniform violations like not having their socks tucked in.  What?  You already do that?  Damn. 

 

Start charging a fee for the right to buy tickets.  You already do that as well?  Jesus.  How are you broke?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Contact The NFL

 

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Ace Frehley - Space Invader SATM Review

Ace Frehley's last album Anomaly was a pretty big turd so I gotta be honest I don't have high expectations for this latest release Space Invader.  I love Ace but his post KISS live shows haven't lived up to what he was doing before he went back to KISS in 1996 and I'm of the opinion that without a real producer or label (not sure if latter exists anymore) he's unlikely to release a solid product.  But my mind and ears are open and for now anyway, my skepticism is buried.  

For this review I have decided to do it as I listened to it for the first time.  Sort of a stream of consciousness type of deal.  To do so meant not checking out any streaming samples that were available in advance of it's release.  I must say I did hear the first minute or so of Gimme A Feelin! but that is all I have heard so far.  It was hard to not slap this sucker in the CD player on the drive home from Best Buy but I managed to make it.  Before I start listening lets get into the packaging. 

Ace has a history of cheesy/cheap album covers.  Much like his wardrobe.  Sadly it was the highlight of his last record but for Space Invader it was a nice touch to bring in Ken Kelley to paint it.  A nod to his KISS past.  I like the cover but it's missing that level of detail Kelley gave the KISS albums Destroyer and Love Gun.  But it's a long way from Second Sighting so we'll call this a win.  Cover - B

Can't wait to hang this poster in my locker!

There's a sticker on this that says it's the deluxe 14 track + poster edition.  The two bonus tracks are radio edits of two songs on the CD already.  So taking songs on a record and putting an additional edited or watered down version of it counts as a bonus nowadays.  Hate to say this Ace fans but this is proof he thinks you (me) are a sucker. And did he really need radio edits for the ZERO radio stations that will be playing anything off this record?  The poster's even a bigger joke.  You've probably seen a poster like this before.  It's sometimes called a CD cover.  Deluxe Edition - F

Lets spin this Turkey and see if she flies.

1) Space Invader - Starts out rocking enough.  It's about an alien who's flying across the galaxy to get to earth to help save our planet.  Kind of the opposite plot of the Fantastic Four Rise of The Silver Surfer.  Ace's voice sounds good.  Solo is a sloppy. It starts off almost as a nod to Ozone from his 78' record.  B-

2) Gimme A Feelin - Uggh.  Heard this one in advance of the album coming out.  Vocals are flat out bad.  Take two please.  And all of the guitars, rhythm and lead sound sloppy.  D

3) I Wanna Hold You - Well Ace seems happy.  I'm not familiar with the co writers of this song but my beer is tasting good.  It's not bad.  It's just not good. C

4) Change - I'm really trying to like this record but this song isn't helping.  Ace sounds good singing again but the song lacks life.  I'd mock the simple/stupid chorus lyric but Ace has never been a great lyricist and frankly isn't why his great songs are great.  The guitar solo for this song sounds the best so far.  Maybe it's the beer. C+

5) Toys - I've been dying to hear this since I saw this title.  Is this another Dolls?  Or Al Little Below The Angels?  Lets see...  Dear lord.  Another brilliant chorus.  It's about going to Vegas and gambling with hookers I think.  Also, I think part of my issue with his leads are the tone.  This song isn't one he should include in any live set. C-

6) Immortal Pleasures - This song is just silly and a pretty fucked up way to tell everyone he gets lots of pussy.  And its my favorite so far.  B

7) Inside The Vortex - I'm struggling.  Maye it's me.  Maybe this is how Ace has always been?  But I don't think so.  Another snoozer.  Oh wait!  Great breakdown and solo!  There he is.  And he rally's!  C+

8) What Every Girl Wants - It's the first song that grabbed me from the beginning.  Nice verse.... and of course the chorus is embarrassing.  Ok it's not that bad.  Its pretty catchy but the "walk in the park" line is garbage.  Solo and break back in is killer though.  B-

9) Past The Milky Way - Unless he wants to write a song about all the bitches he got pregnant on Jendell it might be time to retire the space references.  Ok that's damn near what this song is about.  Loving it.  I think he just copped to the occasional "performance" issue with the ladies.  Awesome.  If there's one song I'll go back to after this is done it's this one.  B+

10) Reckless - Let me guess.  He lived a reckless life.  Bingo.  I don't really get what he's talking about which is weird because Ace is typically a paint by numbers story teller with his lyrics.  But this is a good song.  B

11) The Joker - Ok I'm pausing this.  I want to go on record as saying when I heard about him doing this song I thought it was a bad idea.  So now if I shred it you can tell yourself I wanted to hate it.  Might as well get a fresh beer for this one.  Ok.  Pushing play.  How many takes do you think it took for Ace to say "Pompatous" correctly?  Ok I have to admit this is kinda of a fun version.  Nice solo Ace!  For a cover?  B+

12) Starship - An instrumental?  At least it's not another attempt at milking the Fractured Mirror teet.  Kind of starts out like it though.  I don't have much to say about this.  I've always felt that Fractured Mirror was the one example where ending a rock record with an instrumental worked.  Ace has decided to make it his calling card.  Oh!  There's a direct homage to Fractured Mirror.

I love Ace.  I want this record to be great but it's just not.  It sounds like it wasn't recorded in a professional studio and that's because it wasn't.  This isn't a bad record and it's better than his last one.  But like Peter, Paul and Gene, Ace's best contribution to music will always be his work with KISS.  But where Ace is different is I believe he has a great album in him.  But to get there he needs to do two things.

1) Stop working with people who are in awe of him or people who can use his name on their resume'.  I like John Ostrosky but he's about as big of an Ace shill as you get.  He needs people who understand the end product not people who want Ace to attend their child's briss.

2)  Work with a real producer and studio.  Eddie Kramer is one of the few people Ace has taken time away from talking about Ace to admire and respect.  And from KISS to his Ace's solo work Eddie's been the producer on all of Ace's best work.  Get Ace some great songs and have Eddie produce I think we get a great Ace album.

Sadly I feel only one of those things is possible and neither is likely.  Ace loves him some Ace.  He's not about to cut off the people who remind him how awesome he is.  But he's also in his 60's so I think it's time I took my own advice and not worry about what could be and enjoy what Ace gave us.  It does sound like he's having fun and at this stage of the game that's probably pretty important.  You go Ace.  I just hope he actually tours this record.  I need a beer and some Trouble Walkin'.        

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Ace Frehley

Buy Space Invader

 

Why Everyone Hates YOUR Team: An NFL Primer For 2014 - NFC

How do you lose to me?

Are they still here?

Dallas Cowboys – Arrogance and mediocrity.  Your owner is a creepy old man.  Porn Stars choke less than your QB.  Despite the fact that both your team City (Dallas) and name (Cowboys) are about as provincially specific as you can get, you call yourself America’s team.  Cowboy fans think we’re all just jealous but in reality were ALL just sick of bad football getting such consistent national coverage.  Call us when you’re most current talking point doesn’t include Troy Aikman.

New York Giants – Why is it both teams in New York insist on throw back uniforms?  And why does New York City have two teams?  Neither one has played in New York state much less the city for well over two decades.  The Giants are the NFC’s answer to the Kansas City Chiefs.  Boring.  LT is a coke head rapist pedophile.  Phil Simms looks like a piece of plastic.  And what did you do to make Eli Manning so sad?

We'll always be buddies

Philadelphia Eagles – If the Giants are the NFC’s answer to the Chiefs, then the Eagles fans are the NFC version of Raider fans.  Uncontrolled dipshits who drink too much and start fights.  They act like they are huge Eagles fans but they spend more time with their bookie than they do watching their stupid team  Michael Vick drowned dogs so naturally once he was out of prison you had to sign him.  Your current coach looks like the type of guy you see in a parked car near a park with a pair of binoculars.  And your running back likes to go by the nick name of Shady.  I’m sure he's been in a nightclub with a handgun in his pants before. 

Washington Team – That’s right.  Not even us morally questionably staffers at SATM are willing to say your stupid teams racist name.  RG3 is ugly and his hair is stupid.  Your owner tried to sell mattresses at the stadium.  Joe Theisman is a cranky old turd.  Joe Gibbs sold his likeness to mad magazine.  Men in their 50’s attend games in dresses while wearing pig noses.  What the hell is that all about?  You were mean to Brad Johnson.  At one time Deion Sanders was on your team.  Chris Cooley is instagramming dick pics as you read this.  And Dan Snyder is wrapping up a meeting Satan.  You are the worst team in the last decades worst division.  And because fuck you.

Green Bay Packers – Theeeeee dumbest gathering of chuckleheads who call themselves fans.  The combined IQ in the stands of Lambeau is rarely higher than the temp.  It’s a good thing it’s owned by the fans because no one stays in Green Bay.  Not if they have a choice.  Your fans are called Cheeseheads.  Why?  You are so undesirable the man you treated like a king, Bret Favre, couldn’t wait to leave just so he could come back and beat your ass.  Your stadium smells like a cocktail of various bodily fluids and the seats are used bleachers from high schools that have renovated.  For the better part of 50 years half your games or more were played in Milwaukee.  Meaning people would rather go to Milwaukee than Green Bay.  The crowd at Lambeau is more inbred than the Westboro Baptist Church parish.  

As it was fortold

Minnesota Vikings – Remember when losing 4 Super Bowls was your crowning achievement.  Those were the days huh?  You seem to insist that Adrian Peterson’s career draws a parallel with Barry Sanders.  You actually kept Brad Childress from becoming the coach of the Packers.  Let that one sick in dipshits.  You somehow managed to make the Bears the Packers biggest rival.  Bryant McKinnie.  Fred Smoot.  Sex Boat.  Mike Tice scalping Super Bowl tickets.  Randy Moss driving around Minneapolis with a parking enforcement officer on the hood of his car.  Oh, and thanks for giving the Cowboys three Super Bowls because lord knows we never get sick of that fucking team.

Detroit Lions - You only exist to skew the strength of schedule stat of the rest of your division.  Did you even realize Barry Sanders was on your team in the 90’s?  None of your fans actually live in Detroit.  No one who lives in Detroit can afford tickets.  Two Words.  Wayne Fonts.  Two more.  Matt Millen.  While you’re at it you try drafting a WR once in a while.  Scott Mitchell is gonna be on the Biggest Loser.  There’s a joke somewhere in there.  Speaking of chubby QB’s.  Matt Stafford. 

Chicago Bears – Nice helmet. 

Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Warrren Sapp is a fat, wife beating drug addict who makes Keyshawn Johnson seem fun to be around.  Your team colors are blood and baby poop.  You fired Tony Dungy.  All your QB’s from the 70’s and 80’s became good just by leaving.  Tampa Bay smells like old people.  Your owners are corrupt tax dodgers.  Brad Johnson wins a Super Bowl and you cut him.  For a long time your uniforms were giant creamsicles.  I’d make derogatory remarks about more of your players but I can’t name any of them. 

Atlanta Falcons – Isn’t Atlanta the gang capital of the world?  How come you stopped having MC Hammer on the sidelines of games?  Your former QB murdered dogs.  How much did Eugene Robinson pay for that hooker the night before the Broncos kicked your ass in the Super Bowl?  Is your coach the love child of Ernest Borgnine?  How many alternate uniforms do you need?  Roddy White welches on bets until people make fun of him.  Your fans literally smell like bird shit.  Bobby Petrino.  

Our team is good.  We're just ugly

New Orleans Saints – You actually think winning the Super Bowl 9 years later helped people recover from Hurricane Katrina.  People in your city both vote and believe in voodoo.  Your owner sure is a fancy boy.  You traded every draft pick for Ricky Williams and then traded him a week later.  Drew Brees has poop on his face.  The Superdome has proudly hosted the most sexual assaults of any NFL stadium.  Archie Manning sucked.  You cheered when Wade Wilson was carted off the field.  He was on your team.  Most of your fans aren’t sure when football games are played.  Sean Payton is cheater along with most of your players.  

Carolina Panthers – Kerry Collins is a drunk.  You put Barry Foster on a billboard and then he never plays a game for you.  Didn’t one of your players pay to have his girlfriend killed so he wouldn’t have to pay child support for their unborn child?  Cam Newton was paid 6 figures in college.  Sounds like his Dad got most of that.  Sounds like a good home to be raised in.  Steve Smith has a Napolean Complex.  He’s your best player and only WR on the roster so of course you cut him.  Where exactly is Carolina?  Jimmy Clausen was a good pick.  Of all the places that brag about BBQ, yours is by far the worst.  You may have the ugliest uniforms in the league.  When you play in other cities no one wants to go.  Because you bore us.

San Francisco 49ers – You don’t get to go from Joe Montana to Steve Young.  Not without some people hating you.  Eddie DeBartolo is a mobster.  OJ plays for you then goes on to murder his ex and a waiter.  Coincidence?  Your city employ’s the highest number of people who hate sports anywhere in America.  Jerry Rice was a big baby who cried when he didn’t get the Disneyland commercial.  Ronnie Lott still has a finger where he said he had it cut off so he could play.  Bill Walsh wanted Steve Dils when they drafted Joe Montana.  For 20 years you dominated a division with no other teams in it.  Next to Kaepernick, Jeff Garcia is an attractive man.  And Kap’s tat’s are sweet.  And he totally doesn’t look like a douch with wearing an oversized ball cap.  Jim Harbaugh buys his pants at Wal Mart. 


 

Seattle Seahawks – You somehow managed to go from the team everyone could root for to the team everyone hates.  And that was after serial rapist Jerramy Stevens was let go.  Richard Sherman acts like an ass then calls everyone racist for thinking he’s an ass.  Your coach left his college program in shambles.  The only thing dumber than the nickname “Beast Mode” is the name Marshawn.  Your defense purposely cheats.  Your fan base actually thinks they are the 12th man.  It rains all the time.  Starbucks sucks.  Percy Harvin fakes headache’s to get out of practice.  Steve Largent was white.  Jim Zorn is a loser.  You have a boner for anyone who previously played for the Vikings. Warren Moon, John Randle, Bob Lurtsema, Nate Burleson, Sidney Rice, Percy Harvin, Kevin Williams and you even signed Tarvarus Jackson.  Twice.  You want Christian Ponder? Even one of your coaches used to work for the Vikings.  Now that you won a Super Bowl maybe your fans will act like they’ve been there.  Probably not.

Arizona Cardinals – It’s been a while since you relocated.  You gave the world Dan Dierdorf and there has to be a penalty for that.  Larry Fitzgerald may just be the ugliest human on the planet.  And Carson Palmer is a close second.  Who’s your coach?  Never mind.  Who cares.  Your owner had plastic surgery to make his cheeks always red and shiny.  It’s a dry heat.  Kurt Warners wife looks like a dude.  No one who isn’t a desperate loser marries someone who looks like she does and has as much baggage.  Remember Jake The Snake?  Buddy Ryan?  Winning Seasons?  No one else does either.  Why did you move to Arizona?  Easier to hire an undocumented grounds crew?  Denny Green was a good coach.  Your helmets are stupid too.

St. Louis Rams – Your whore former owner is a gold digger bitch.  You belong in Los Angeles.  Deacon Jones is ugly and smells bad.  Mike Martz looks like a pedophile.  If the NFL has an armpit it is the St. Louis Rams.  You know the object is to MAKE the playoffs right?  Someone needs to tell Jeff Fisher that Movember is only one month of the year.  Marshall Faulk is stupid.  You won a Super Bowl with a grocery store stock boy at QB.  Didn’t Tony Banks actually start for you for a couple of years?  Jim Everett.  I’d say something about Lawrence Phillips but he’d probably track me down and murder me so instead I’ll say “Good job beating up those children Larry!”