How Bill Belichick Gave ESPN A Boner

THIS IS A FOOTBALL

Thanks to the fine folks at ABC my morning coffee was ruined today.  And no it wasn’t the horrible dress Lara Spencer chose to wear (though I must say that didn’t help.)  Good Morning America’s lead story this morning was the whole deflated football nonsense.  Really?  This is your lead story?  The day after the leader of the free world give his annual State of the Union? 

 

Sure the President gave a speech so full of Snark it’s been suggested we wrote it and as the SOTU has largely become a misguided pep rally that serves more as an example of how politics divide us than our leaders sharing their plans with it's citizens.  A reasonable argument can be made that it’s not the biggest story of a given day.  But less of a story than one about whether or not a football was deflated below the accepted PSI settings?  It’s got to better than that to knock of the SOTU.  Doesn’t it?  Don't you have some crappy cell phone footage of a Semi sliding across an icy highway?  Is a mild weather pattern going to slightly inconvenience people living in Philly, New York and Boston? 

 

Has there ever been an allegation of cheating that was widely accepted as an egregious offense AND acknowledged as having no effect to the outcome of the game in which it tool place?  There are people suggesting the coach should be fired.  The Patriots shouldn’t be allowed to play in the game.  Tom Brady should be forced to father a baby with my wife.  Some sort of punishment that sends a message.  Don't mess with the integrity of the game.  Talking heads are suggesting stripping the team of a draft pick and fining them any amount of money will not be enough.  Really?  For an act of cheating you think had no effect on the game. 

 

 

WHAT?

The referee’s touch the ball before every play.  This is no different than a baseball pitcher scuffing the ball in the hopes of getting more movement and the umpire not noticing.  Did anyone suggest that Joe Niekro’s career should be taken from him as he casually tried dump an Emory board out his pants?  His pockets hanging out and his hands up in the air while his face clearly was telling the ref “What?”  Did anyone suggest Tom Kelly should be immediately removed as team manager of the Minnesota Twins for allowing this cheater on the field?  Did anyone write an op-ed about how they now had to explain to their children why cheating was still bad.  Quite the opposite actually.  It has become a moment of nostalgic endearment.  Football seems a bit backwards on this.  We don’t care if you take steroids.  Just don’t mess with the ball. 

 

SO WHAT DO YOU GUYS WANNA TALK ABOUT?

The bottom line is this only matters to people who don’t matter.  The only people less important than the talking heads who cover sports are the people who can’t get enough of hearing them talk about sports.  Between this and the Super Bowl ESPN has enough programming for the next three weeks.

 

Oh there is more that can be said.  As far as I'm concerned it already has by the fine writers at Deadspin.  Check it out here.  And remember.  It's ok to once in a while wonder why the news is putting us through this garbage as it isn't necessary. 

 

 

Why Everyone Hates YOUR Team: An NFL Primer For 2014 - AFC

 

Gene Simmons attends a Raiders with FOON host *Rob Kern

New England Patriots - Your QB is too good and too good looking.  You're nothing but a bunch of cheating chowdah heads.  Your stupid helmets look like an arena league team and your owner was an Oompah Loompah.  Your previous owner sold razors and sexually harassed women.  And I don't think anyone in Boston knew you existed before Tom Brady.

Miami Dolphins - You pick on 300 pound losers.  You spend all your time masturbating to pictures of Dan Marino while wearing Isotoner gloves.  And fans in Miami are only fans when you win.  Way too close to Castro.  Your uniforms are stupid and Jacksonville has better attendance.  And your team picks on minorities with racist remarks about the wrong race. 

New York Jets - Unlovable losers.  Bad QB play seems to be Standard Operating Procedure.  They brought in Tim Tebow not in spite of the distractions, but FOR the distractions.  Your uniforms are fucking ugly.  And your biggest fan, Fireman Ed is a loser.  He actually thinks he's so important he needs to officially retire as Fireman Ed.  From the fans to the field you've made sucking an art form.  And I'm pretty sure Mark Gastineau beats women. 

Buffalo Bills - What the hell happened?  I can't remember the last time I knew who your coach or QB was.  

Pittsburgh Steelers - Well your QB rapes women in bathrooms.  And if that wasn't bad enough he pays off duty cops to keep any decent human from stopping it.  Terry Bradshaw was ugly.  Lynn Swann was gay. (Not the good kind) and Mean Joe Greene was a smelly asshole who thought throwing his dirty laundry at a kid was a sign of appreciation.  And when Troy Polamalu almost tackles someone it's not a great play.

Cincinnati Bengals - Are you still in the league?  How is it Marvin Lewis has been your coach for like a decade and I had to look his name up?  Your QB's smile scares little children.  And can he not afford a box of hair dye?  Icky Woods was never any good.  And thanks to you we have to see Cris Collinsworth FACE on Sunday Night Football games.  So thanks for that assholes.

Cleveland Browns - You treated Art Modell like a second class citizen then piss on his grave?  Your current owner is such a jerk Sam Walton's kids think he's insensitive to the plight of the working man.  You cheered when your own QB was carted off the field.  You draft Johnny Football and then act surprised when he acts like a dick hole.  The Dawg pound is just grown men with no chance of ever having sex.  And your team is in Cleveland. 

Baltimore Ravens - You belong in Cleveland.  No one wants to be in an elevator with any current or former Raven named Ray.  Ozzie Newsome sounds like he has Down Syndrome when he talks.  Your coach thinks missing two games for beating your wife is a good lesson for kids.  And you won a Super Bowl with Trent Dilfer.  Fuck YOU!

Indianapolis Colts – Your owner’s a druggie who likes to get shit faced before hitting twitter.  His Dad makes Art Modell look like the Pope.  For some reason having Peyton Manning for 15 years wasn’t enough so you end up Andrew Luck.  Who looks like a weasel by the way.  And is there a single white person at any of your games that isn’t cleaning the bathrooms? 

Tennessee Titans – Remember when you were the Houston Oilers and a respected franchise?  No one else does either.  Nice name by the way.  Real provincial.  What the fuck is a Titan?  Sounds like a virgin butthole.  Eddie George didn’t just average 4.1 yards per carry.  That’s exactly what he got every carry.  How do you leave Texas for the inbred hills of Tennessee?

Houston Texans – Clever name.  Hasn’t someone used it before?  Drafting David Carr worked out sweet.  The only good thing about giving Houston another franchise is it meant LA wasn’t going to get one.  Other than the pathetic punching bags who fill the stands, no one in Texas gives a shit about any team not named the Cowboys.  Picking on you is like picking on a retard. 

Jacksonville Jaguars – Does your owner know he looks like the result of Ron Jeremy and Geraldo Rivera mixing their man gravy together in some twisted artificial insemination?  And what’s with the two-tone helmet?  Someone challenged you to an ugly uniform contest?  Your team is worthless the only players I can even remember are Mark Brunell and ... Jesus.  That’s it.  And he was weird. 

Denver Broncos – Is there a dumber collection of sports fans outside of Denver?  They were actually upset that they chose Peyton Manning over Tim Tebow.  They won’t admit that now.  Maybe it’s the thin air but "smart guy" isn’t something you’ll think after meeting a Bronco fan.  And who designed their new helmets.  It looks like something from the custom uniform feature on Madden 2004.  The face of the franchise John Elway, looks like a horse.  Was drafted by the Colts and traded to the Broncos.  Coincidence?  Thanks to them we had to look at Mike Shanahan’s face for the last 15 years. 

San Diego Chargers – Anything that close to a Donkey Show can’t be worth it.  LaDanian Tomlinson was a cry baby pussy who never came through in big games.  They will always be featured in “Biggest Draft Bust” lists for the whole Ryan Leaf thing.  I'm embarrassed for them for representing the AFC in Super Bowl XXIX?  And how do you score 26 points and still lose by 23?  Just like the Jets they missed their ugly ass old uni’s so much they wear them full time now. 

Oakland Raiders – Just Win Baby!  Please. Sometime.  Most of the fan base are gang bangers. You’re more likely to see 12 people stabbed at a Raider game than they are to score 12 points.  Their kicker is a fat ass who spends his free time dropping molly and sticking glow sticks in his mouth.  They have made cheating an art and if it wasn’t for Al Davis’ hiring him I wouldn’t have the image of John Maddens hot dog fingers gripping a phalic looking microphone burned into my mind.  Everyone feels tough in Raider gear.  Thanks to NWA they also look like the kind of people who purchase unregistered weapons from a grown man sucking on a pacifier. 

Kansas City Chiefs – Do you like boring football?  Then the Chiefs have been your team for the last 5 decades.  When was the last time they were fun to watch?  Christian Okoye could get ya 1500 yards in a season.  He’d just need 600 carries.  I’m pretty sure a 49 year old Steve DeBerg had the most prolific season for a QB in Chiefs history.  Your coach spends his offseason hosting Wilford Brimley look alike parties.  Another fan base whiter than a box of Minute Rice.  Good move letting Jared Allen go. 



*Rob Kern is a co-host of the awesome music podcast From Out Of Nowhere