Why Beyonce' Should've Said Thanks Butt No Thanks!

With football back I am reminded of the crown Jewel of the 2012 NFL season.  The Beyoncé' Super Bowl Halftime Show.  And her attempt to slip one past the American people at President Obama's  second inauguration just days before. 

ARE YOU READY FOR BEYONCE'?    

Oh Beyonce'.  So composed.  So strong.  And such a nice person.  She gets it don't she? 

 

WAIT!  That's not what she is.

 

Maybe.  Just maybe Beyonce’ isn’t this rare example of elegance and humility we thought she was.  maybe she’s just as self absorbed as your garden variety pop star/celeb who’s in incapable of interpreting LEGITMATE criticism as anything but haters hating.  Anyone with functioning ears already knew her music was the same beat laden diahrrea that has defined hip hop/R&B since 2000 but Beyonce’ has been very meticulous in crafting an image that is that of a “decent person”.  Someone who truly feels blessed and appreciates every moment by recognizing how much better she has it than most.  Then someone astutely noticed she lip synced the national anthem at President Obama’s second inauguration.  Forced to choose between truth and lie she came clean and then proceeded to show what I assume are her true colors.

 

The first signs that the façade was starting crack came when she defended the decision by saying it was too important to risk making a mistake.  Fair point I guess.  I mean if she’s not up to the gig she’s not up to the gig. 

 

WAIT!  That’s not what she meant. 

 

Next she claimed her rehearsals for the Super Bowl didn’t leave her enough time to rehearse for the inauguration.  Meaning she had plenty of time to rehearse and record it in a studio but not enough time to practice it while actually holding a microphone?  Never mind that she just admitted she put greater importance on the Super Bowl than the honor of singing for the president. 

 

WAIT!  That’s not what she meant.

 

Then came the weather.  It was too cold and she was concerned that she might damage her voice.  Sure it’s an honor to sing for the President but not at the cost of her career right?  Kelly Clarkson seemed to be able to do it.  So a winner of a singing contest is more capable than the multi talented Beyonce’?  A white women is more honored to sing for a black president than a black woman? 

 

WAIT!  Thant’s not what she meant. 

 

Ole Sasha Fierce had enough by this point.  In a desperate attempt to shut us all up she opened up her Super Bowl press conference by doing an a'capella rendition of the national anthem followed by her smugly asking “Any questions?”  Puhhh lease!  All you did was prove you can sing unremarkably while holding a mic and memorize the words to a song we’ve all heard 9000 times since birth.  Any questions.  Yeah I got one.  You claim to be a singer, why don’t you actually sing when you perform?

 

The world has enough Beyonce’ Bobo’s that she’ll never have to have an honest opinion of herself.  But the fact is she’s been shimmying her magnificent ass to a prerecorded track of her singing since well before her first million seller.  She was forced to add some actual singing to her halftime show just to shut everyone up.  While she was largely successful in doing that, anyone who watched her “performance” saw that all she really did was not pretend to sing along to a track of herself.  She would hold her arms in the air and not move her lips one bit.  You still heard her sing.  Yep she showed us.  No lip syncing here.  No actually singing either but no lip syncing. 

 

She’s not the first person to lip sync the National Anthem.  Whitney did it at the 1991 Super Bowl.  Face full of emotion and mouth full of silence.  But this is the Presidential Inauguration.  You get asked to sing you sing.  And not a day earlier in a studio with a producer.  She only made herself look worse by coming up with a bunch of excuses that indirectly said:

 

She thinks the Super Bowl is more important that the Presidential Inauguration.

 

She has time to record the anthem and then lip sync but not time to actually prepare to sing it live.

 

Kelly Clarkson is better than her.     

 

The gig was too big for her. 

 

2 ½ months is not enough time for her to prepare to sing a song we've all sung at least 100 times. 

 

She thinks singing the National Anthem to a bunch of reporters after Lip Syncing it for the President cleans the slate.  In other words she’s stupid. 

 

Look.  There’s a reason not everyone gets this kind of opportunity.  can we just admit she’s not qualified for a gig of this scale.  And just because there are other celebrities who are unaware that the world doesn’t literally revolve around them doesn’t mean it’s ok to find out she’s just as self involved.  If anything, the fact that someone like J-Lo has never bothered denying she’s a bit of a diva is more honest than the way Beyonce’ tried to convince us she was a good person.  Lip Sync in concert?  If the people willing to pay your ticket prices don’t mind, neither will anyone else.  On MTV?  It’s just MTV.  But lip sync for the Pres?  Sorry.  That’s a no no.  And a fairly obvious one.  She’s either stupid, disrespectful or just not good enough.  Or a combination of the three but the criticism was fair.  No one was calling her fat or attacking her family.  They just wondered why someone of her supposed talent would lip sync at such an event.  Some accept her bullshit excuses.  Some think she should’ve just apologized.  Some think it doesn’t matter.  And that is why I think she should’ve politely declined.

 

There are some unique talents in this country.  She ain’t one of them.  I don’t know who’s idea it was to ask Beyonce’ to do this but this is what happens when we accept the package as proof of talent.  Beyonce’ isn’t a song writer, musician or singer.  She is a face on the screen.  And when the world we live in lacks the humility and empathy to understand that singing for the President is an honor that few deserve and even fewer earn, it points out why it matters.  Beyonce’s success is just another sign that we continue give more for less.

Why Vanilla Ice Trumps Justin Bieber

Kid Rock went on Howard Stern and proclaimed Justin Bieber as this generations Vanilla Ice.  At first it seemed a bit unfair.  Ice is largely looked upon as a clown.  Sure the Biebs has turned out to be a bit of a disrespectful brat but does he really deserve to be pulled down to Vanilla Ice’s level?  Yet the more I thought about it the more astute Rock’s claim seemed.  In fact, I started to wonder if Rock wasn't just on to something, but maybe he had actually gone easy on Bieber.  Lets examine. 

I hated Vanilla Ice from the moment I saw that stupid ass video for Ice Ice Baby on MTV.  But the 20 years since his arrival into the pop culture lexicon has given his iconic status some historical perspective we don’t yet have with J Biebs.  So even though one must make an educated guess as to what Bieber’s future holds, there is an Apple’s to Apple’s comparison we can make.  Has Justin Bieber even achieved the level of pop culture penetration that Vanilla did 20 years ago? 

It’s rather convenient when someone of Vanilla’s ilk is tossed aside so quickly by those who initially embraced him but it's hardly unique.  And it goes both ways.  When Guns’ N Roses Appetite For Destruction came out, none of my more mainstream friends gave it a chance.  I'd drop the cassette in at a party and before the first chorus of Welcome To The Jungle I’d find the cassette hurled back in my direction.  But once Sweet Child O’ Mine broke they were suddenly recommending I check out this new band called Guns N Roses.  And many of those same friends, upon hearing Ice Ice Baby for the first time raceed into Sam Goody’s across America to snatch up a copy of To The Extreme and drove around cranking Ice Ice Baby from the stereo’s of their Monte Carlo’s.  Those same people who made Vanilla a millionaire and pop culture hall of famer now speak of that time and song as if it were an out of body experience.  Truth is this happens all the time.  Which is unfair.  MTV is largely responsible for this phenomena.  They basically embraced V Ice and then once it became clear what a tool he was they changed course.  The point being he was an ass clown the whole time.  Fame just made it more obvious and if MTV had any quality control they would’ve realized that sooner.  And the fans who once liked his music no longer did?  Milli Vanilli didn’t suck after we found out they were just pictures on the cover.  They sucked the whole time.  Vanilla Ice was stupid.  Vanilla Ice was never real.  Anyone who took him seriously as he dropped lines like “Chillin’ like Bob Dylan” are too stupid to have an opinion now or then.  I mean, I still like the music I did when I was 7.

But that’s not the point.  Not now anyway.  The point is this.  20 years later.  Everyone who knows Vanilla Ice knows the song Ice Ice Baby.  It’s my contention that a vast majority of people who know who Justin Bieber is, TODAY, can’t name one song.  We don’t need to wait 20 years for the memory to fade because one doesn’t exist.  And he must have one right?  I’m pretty sure I heard he was a musician.   

While the fans who waxed Ice Like a candle as quickly as he cooked MC's like a pound of bacon can look back and pretend it was just a youthful indiscretion.  A moment of time that “We were all guilty of”.  (No.  No we ALL weren’t.)  But whether you are a connoisseur of bad taste or a music snob who scoffs at anything remotely popular, we all know the song Ice Ice Baby.  We know when to Stop.  When to collaborate and when to listen.  Love it or leave it, Ice Ice Baby is crystallized in Pop Culture infamy.  Sure to be blasted through shitty DJ speakers at class reunions and weddings for generations to come.  Now I would like to hear J-Biebs croon for me as much as I want Rob Van Winkle to flip my house, but twenty years from now I don’t see today’s Belieber’s nostalgically giggling an admission to rocking a particular Bieber anthem back in the day. 

At least Vanilla’s legacy is a song.  Sure it’s one of the worst songs ever and it was written by Queen, but it’s no worse than it’s black counterpart U Can’t Touch This and it’s more than Biebs has given us.  Bieber is known for what?  Pissing in a mop bucket?  What’s the first thing you think of when you hear the name Justin Bieber?  His hair?  Driving a chrome dildo at high speeds through residential neighborhoods?  Sure they both have stupid haircuts and dress like the mutated offspring of Kriss Kross, but at least the sheep who blasted Vanilla Ice can remember that time with a guilty smile.  I’m pretty sure 20 years from now admitting you were into J Biebs is gonna be like admitting you masturbated to the mental image of your sister in a bikini.  If Vanilla was Cool As Ice, then Bieb’s is Smooth Like A Ken Doll.  And he’ll never outgrow that.  Even his name sounds like a McDonalds kiddie meal.  Can you really take a grown man named Justin Bieber seriously.  Maybe it’s the disposable nature of today’s music or the fact that your average Belieber hasn’t met their first pubic hair but you cannot deny that the Bieb’s is famous as fuck.  But the next time you find yourself humming “dun dun dun dun dada dun dun” ask yourself this.  Is Bieber the next Corey Haim or the next Vanilla Ice?            

Why Glenn Danzig Can't Buy Kitty Litter

It’s hard to imagine Hitler as a child playing with those old wooden handmade German toys at the turn of the 20^th Century.  On the other side of the spectrum it’s hard to see a grown up Corey Feldman and not think of the kid with the Goofy glasses in the Goonies.  Fair or not there comes a time when the image you created, endorsed or had thrust upon you becomes something the world uses to define you.  They hear your name, that’s what they think about.  It’s why Sebastian Bach can’t be an actor.  Madonna can’t not be a whore.  And Glen Danzig can’t run to Petsmart to pick up some Kitty litter.

 

Again. It’s not fair.  Glenn is right when he says “What’s the big deal.  I got a cat.”  And frankly calling Madonna a whore is just telling the truth.  It’s more true than saying Danzig worships the devil.  Ah but perception is reality and the perception of Glenn Danzig is he doesn’t come out during the day.  Definitely not to buy Kitty Litter.  If anything he conjures kitty litter up from some demon hell cat. 

 

Danzig has made a living being that guy living on the edge of society.  Against the norm.  Swathed in darkness.  And there is very little you can do the so outwardly “Normal” than running to the grocery store to fetch some kitty litter.  Now we have no choice but to picture him sweaty and shirtless wearing his tight black pants, using that gigantic Danzig belt buckle to scoop clumps of cat shit out of a plastic box as little Puss Puss watches.  Glenn!  That is the image I will forever have.  You’ll be singing How The Gods Kill and I’ll be wondering how long it’s been since you cleaned the litter box. 

 

James Hetfield also didn’t get the memo.  He was photographed wearing plaid shorts and holding an Armani bag while out shopping with his wife.  Right behind him was then new bassist Robert Trujillo also looking rather domestic.  And we have to blame the woman.  They think they are entitled to a suburban life regardless of their husbands profession.  Women will never get it.  My wife doesn’t understand why I find the photo of Danzig carrying Kitty litter so funny.  She thinks I’m mean because I really do like his music.  James Hetfield may not admit it but there is no way he picked that outfit out for himself.  But just because women don’t understand doesn’t mean you cave.  Mrs. Hetfield isn’t living in the house she does, driving the cars she drives and shopping where she shops if not for the alcohol fueled persona that James developed over years of touring and drinking.  Sure he may be sober now and that’s probably a good thing.  And yes he’s older and looks wiser.  But that doesn’t mean he has to surrender his testicles.  His wife is entitled to some family time but she needs to accept one thing.  It’s bad for Metallica for him to be seen holding her purse dressed in sandal’s.  Bad for Metallica = bad for her.  Find something to do out the public eye.  And for God’s sake let him wear jeans and a t-shirt.

 

As for you Mr. Danzig.  You clearly hate the internet.  And for good reason.  It’s been largely bad for you.  First you get knocked out by some wannabe and now you can’t properly care for your pet without going viral.  So while you may despise the trolls who seem to survive off making you look stupid, you must accept the power of the internet.  You invented horror punk.  You warned Mother’s around the world of your insidious intentions.  Sadly your legacy will now include you fetching cat litter.  As hard as it may be to accept, you need to find someone to get your Kitty litter.  And groceries.  And hair product.  And toiletries.  Well, you get the picture.  Maybe give Eerie Vonn a call.  I hear he’s looking for work.