Why Kardashian Should Be A Four Letter Word

Commenting on just how bad reality television is a lot like complaining about traffic.  It's all been said before and we're all part of the reason it doesn't go away.  So while I don't feel complaining about reality TV or traffic is really worth our time, I did happen to read a comment today from Mama Kardashian in defense of her cash cow, er I mean, her daughter Kim that got me, well.  It pissed me off.

No matter how you feel about President Obama he made what I thought was an astute comment about how the American Dream has changed as America has become more obsessed with celebrity culture.  And because Kris Kardashian elected to not get an abortion 32 years ago, we have her horrible daughter and her dipshit boyfriend as a reference to use as an example.  Explaining the difference of when we were kids to now the President said:

"Were there things that all of us might have liked to have? Sure, but partly, I think, there also has been a shift in culture. We weren't exposed to things we didn't have in the same way kids these days are. There was not that window into the lifestyles of the rich and famous. Kids weren't monitoring every day what Kim Kardashian was wearing, or where Kanye West was going on vacation, and thinking that somehow that was the mark of success."

I don't care if you hate the President, if you disagree with that comment, well you’re a fucking idiot and frankly part of the problem.  As any good mother would Kirs Kardashian took offense to the remarks and defended her commission er I mean daughter and did her stupid ass best to put the President in his place: 

"I bet the president has some friends with 10,000-square-foot houses and you probably wouldn't mind going over there, Mr. President, while you were asking them to have a party for you when you were campaigning for dollars to run for president. Kanye West, first of all, doesn't go on vacation.  Ever.  And Kim Kardashian is the hardest-working young lady in the world. She never sleeps, she never stops, she never slows down and works so hard for what she's got."

Hmm.

Dear God.  Look I know how aggressive a mother can be when it comes to defending her child.  And I’m also aware that part of the reason Kim Kardashian is such a deplorable human being is that she was raised by one.  So we normies can’t really have an expectation of compassion, intellect or actual appreciation for how good one has it coming out of the mouth of anyone with that last name. 

But what a fucking moron. 

To quote Anthony Michael Hall’s character Gary Wallace from the motion picture Weird Science:  “Why don’t you shut up.  Bitch!”

Your worthless ass would be better served spending some time with that new bastard grandchild of yours.  This is the first one Kim’s brought to full term after all.  You and your horrible children have earned nothing in life they have.  Not only is that whore daughter of yours not the hardest working young woman in the world.  Nothing she does can be called Work or Hard.  Oh she had to wake up super early and take a limo to the airport, where she boards a chartered flight to Miami, where she had to walk to the limo waiting for her on the tarmac before heading to a 5 star hotel suite with only two bathrooms.  One of them shared.  You and your collection of dipshit offspring represent the worst in life.  You admonish actual values while basically running a reality show whorehouse.  How exactly are you in any position to be offended by an accurate representation of what you created?  And there’s a solid argument to be made that the President held back.  In what way is anything in this world better because of you or any member of your family?  Cause I can tell ya how it’s worse.

  

And are seriously claiming Kanye doesn’t take vacations?  I’m sure the view from your ivory tower gets cloudy so let me explain something that you probably won’t understand.  Kanye’s entire life is a vacation.  When you have no appreciation for how fortunate you are, and believe me.  You are quite fortunate.  Michael Anthony thinks you’re lucky.  Jared from Subway thinks you’re kind of a worthless celebrity.  When you don’t respect how good you have it, you don’t realize how easy you have it.  Let me explain that in way you will understand.  You’re a fucking idiot.  Your entire family are fucking idiots.

I’ll bet you have friends with nice houses too Mr. President blah blah blah.  Really.  The President has rich friends is your version of a comeback.  So does the Pope.  And I don't care.  Because President of the United States.  Kind of a hard job.  Maybe a little harder than writing horrible rap music or showing up to a retail store opening.  At least you, your family and Kanye are hated for legitimate reasons.  It's time you got a whiff of the shit that comes out of your mouth.  You don’t like what the president said; too fucking bad.  When horrible humans raise horrible children and then run around the country thumbing their nose at actual human's , you don’t get to be offended when someone points out that you are indeed horrible.  Anyone who actually watches that tripe (look it up) you put on television represents the negative influence you wield.  Which is sad.  Because there are people all over this country who if given your level of influence would choose to help others.  Try to make the world a better place.  Instead, we get you and your band of moron’s walking around with disposable Louis Vuitton hand bags.  And all of this came to be because Kim spread her legs for the camera.  I think it’s time she came full circle and went back to giving the world the one thing that has actually made some people happy.

Ranking The KISS Album Covers

So far my blogs have been all piss and vinegar.  So I thought it would be ok to do something a little lighter.  I am a diehard KISS freak.  KISS is and always will be my favorite band.  And while there are a myriad of topics I can and probably will cover that have more substance, I thought I'd preempt that with something more palpable for my fellow diehards.  Besides, why not take a break from the vitriol to celebrate my favorite band with something a little lighter.  You have to be among the haters not to acknowledge that KISS is responsible for all time great album covers.  While the non make-up years produced largely forgettable (Asylum) to downright bad (Animalize) covers, the make-up era is full of great examples of how a records cover can really enhance the experience of purchasing and listening to a record.  I spent countless hours of my youth with my headphones on scouring every inch of every KISS album cover looking for that missing detail, reading every liner note, credit etc.  Hoping that if I stared at it long enough I would see something that I hadn’t prior.  This week I'm celebrating that time of my life by ranking the album covers of that from worst to best.  For this list I am only including the albums released from 1974’s KISS to 1982’s Creatures of the Night.  I am not including the repackaging of the first three albums The Original’s as it use’s the first album’s cover for its cover and I am counting the solo albums as one as they were all painted by the same artist using the exact same scheme.  So after much scientific research below are the rankings. 

 

14.  Dynasty – After Love Gun KISS took time to make the movie KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park and record solo albums while Casablanca released ALIVE II and the greatest hits package Double Platinum.  Dynasty was the “We’re back!” record.  After almost two years of no new music they released the disco tinged Dynasty.  And much like the overall tone of the record, the cover left a lot to be desired.  Just a raw and not particularly well shot close up of the bands faces.  One could argue the highlight of the cover was the gray border surrounding it.  Gene looked fat.  The spoils of success weren't just having an effect on his waistline.  I mean, you only see his face and he looks fat.  Also the green make up on Peter’s face is noticeably off from the left eye to the right.  Knowing what we know now one can’t help but wonder if this was a byproduct of his growing disinterest in staying in KISS.

 

13. Music From The Elder – I like this cover and I think it goes with the Music.  But lets be real here.  Neither is very “KISS”.  It definitely goes good with the record as it ties in the storyline that runs through the record and at 10 years old I was fascinated by everything about this record.  When the record was done and presented to the exec’s at Casablanca, they were afraid to release it as it was.  They insisted on a different song sequence.  The concern being that if the first thing the listener heard was the horn piece “fanfare” leading into the soft rock opener “Just A Boy” the listener may just wonder if they got the right record.  They were right to fear a revolt.  They wrong to think rearranging the songs would change that.  Because of that there were covers that listed the songs in the order they were to be originally tracked while later pressings have them in the order they actually appear on the record.  I suppose an argument could be made to move this up but I think it fits right here.  

 

12. ALIVE II – Released at their peak, you really have to peel off the plastic and open the double album before you see anything with grandeur.  The actual cover is an unimaginative use of a KISS logo and a boring font spelling out ALIVE II.  There are four individual pics along the bottom that lazily are the same four photo’s on the back.  It screams “Hurry.  We need to get this out for Christmas!”  It probably doesn’t deserve to rank this high but it gets a couple of points for the incredible inner gatefold shot. 

 

 

 

 

11. Unmasked – The follow up to Dynasty just seemed to appear in record stores with no notice.  When I first saw the cover for Unmasked I wasn’t sure what to make of it.  It was a comic strip with kind of a nostalgic flair to it.  Telling the story of a reporter desperately trying to get a picture of KISS sans makeup.  The whole thing was unique but seemed to come out of left field.  It’s a good cover.  Just not better than the next 10.

 

 

 

 

 

 

10. Hotter Than Hell – If you like an album cover that will supply you with hours of fixating this one’s for you.  The myth in the 70’s was this was KISS’ way of thanking their Japanese fans for taking to them so enthusiastically but in reality they hadn’t really established a fan base in Japan.  Still, it's the most unique cover KISS ever did.  It features a black and white photo of the band with Japanese symbols and each band members name spelled out in Japanese characters.  Interestingly Ace had gotten into a car accident prior to the photo shoot for the cover.  His face had been cut up on one side so his face on the cover is actually half of his face with one side a reverse mirror image of the other.  Also on the back Gene and Ace are wearing outfits that they never wore for anything else.  I love the raw aesthetic.  It really fits the sound of the record great. 

 

9. Double Platinum – To truly appreciate this cover you need to have the original vinyl release.  You need to hold it in your hands.  As simple as it is, it is pure brilliance.  The embossed KISS logo’s on the chrome is just awesome.  Because of its simplicity many will think it’s ranked too high and the lazy attempts to replicate this on 8 track, cassette and the initial CD release add to that belief.  You really need to recall what it was like to pick this record up in the store and hold it in your hands to properly rank it.  As a greatest hits record, musically it’s largely a waste.  But they nailed the cover. 

 

8. Creatures of the Night – The last cover of the make-up era.  The only cover to have Eric Carr in his fox make up on it.  And Ace appears despite not playing a note on the record and leaving the band before the tour.  While it is a great cover I feel the goofy history of this record (Did Ace play on it, the re-release with a non makeup photo featuring Bruce Kulick who also didn’t play on it) has made it more iconic than it really deserves.  That said it rocks.  Even the back cover with a dark blue night sky filled with lightning.  The blue almost makes the record sound blue if that’s possible. 

 

 

7. Dressed To Kill – KISS in suits.  The black and white photo of the band on a city street.  Surrounded by a box of embossed KISS logo’s.  A lot of diehards worship this cover and would rank it higher.  Even I struggled with the idea of moving it up because it is incredibly cool.  It really makes you want to listen to it.  A little back story.  The ill fitting suits belonged to Casablanca Records president Neil Bogart.  While it is a great cover it just doesn’t hold up against the next 6.

 

 

 

 

 

 

6. Solo Albums – By 1978 KISS was at its peak and starting to fracture at the same time.  Ace and Peter reportedly threatened to quit after the shooting of KISS Meets The Phantom of The Park.  To appease them the idea for all members to do solo albums was made reality.  To package them as a sort of set, the art for all covers was going to stick to the same basic design.  They commissioned Eraldo Carugati to paint them and the result was very detailed representations of each member. Almost photographic.  It is the first introduction of the color scheme of each member (Paul – Purple, Gene – Red, Ace – Blue, Peter – Green) that the band would borrow from going forward.  The same font was used for all album credits.  They each dedicated their albums to the other members of the band.  Of course Peter had to include some dude named Michael Benvenga who I believe was in Chelsea, a band Peter was in before KISS.  I think he passed away in the time before recording this record.  Regardless it threw of the symmetry.  I think Peter could’ve found a better way to honor a friend. 

 

5. Destroyer – After the success of ALIVE! KISS finally had a budget and that extended to the art department.  10 year old boys across America were simultaneously intrigued and scared shitless at the sight of KISS deftly balancing their platform boots atop a pile of rubble while a small town burns in the background.  This was the second cover as Ken Kelly’s first cover had the burning city behind KISS much closer which didn’t sit well with execs at Casablanca.  So the city was moved back.  The color of the sky was switched to a more purple like color and for some reason that seemed less violent.  Who cares.  The cover was awesome.

 

4. Love Gun – Ken Kelly was brought back and he came up with another classic.  This time it featured KISS in their sweet new costumes with busty black haired women in white face surrounding their feet.  They were almost like soulless, faceless pin up models for teens to rub one out to.  For my money, Robert Palmer borrowed upon this for his video’s in the 80’s where his band consisted of emotionless like-costumed females.  While there are similarities between this and Destroyer the chicks with half their huge racks pouring out of their tops gives this one the edge.   

 

 

 

3. Rock N Roll Over – Both simple and complex.  The block cartoon artwork just works.  The circular design makes it so anyway you hold it, you have no idea which is the top.  Seen it done since.  Not sure if it was done prior.  There is a magic to this cover.  The colors, the background imagery for each member.  It all works.  This album looks like it sounds.  Awesome.  Makes for a great t-shirt as well.  The artist, Michael Doret, was brought back for the underwhelming and lazy attempt at an album cover for 2009’s Sonic Boom.  But he got it right with this one. 

 

 

 

 

2. ALIVE! – If you could sum up a KISS concert with one picture this would be it.  Even though it is a staged photo, it oozes KISS live.  The back cover showed what looked like an endless arena with 53 levels of seats all packed and waiting for KISS to take the stage.  Inside is less inspiring as it’s basically an ad for the KISS studio albums along with super cheesy to downright stupid (Sorry Gene) hand written messages from each member that were often referred to as a “personal” message to KISS fans.  Not sure how writing a note for 5 million people can ever be considered personal but I digress.  Despite the shortcomings of the inner art, the cover is another example of the perfect marriage of cover art and the music contained.  When I see this cover, I hear the way the music sounds.  Not just the songs, the sound.  This cover is a picture of what Rock N Roll is.  This would eventually break KISS as a viable recording act and propel the rest of their career. 

 

1. KISS – I don’t know what it is.  Maybe it’s the diamond KISS logo.  Maybe it’s Peter’s weird looking whiskers or Ace’s silver hair.  It doesn’t really matter this cover just kicks ass.  Low tech and low budget and beautiful.  Its not just nostalgic.  It still looks cooler than crap being released now.  It was better times for the members of KISS.  They worked together for the same thing.  The resentment’s that would later destroy the band had yet to surface.  The ego’s were more shared.  The individual roles were embraced.  And this album cover, while not exactly cutting edge, was perfect.  It wasn’t light.  It was black.  Black and silver.  It was metal before it was called metal.  You didn’t hold this record in your hands and think you were getting a partridge family record.  It was the first and remains the best. 

Well that's it.  Disagree?  Let me know how you'd rank them and I'll explain why you're wrong. ;)

Why I should be Commissioner.. OF ROCK!

Sometimes I think the world of rock needs a band arbitrator.  Someone to settle inner band disputes while representing only the interests of the fans.  Sometimes I think that should be me.  And then I think it should be a very high paying job with little pressure.  Kind of like how sports leagues have commissioners.  Yes.  A Rock N Roll Commissioner.  Commissioner Bakko.  Has a nice ring to it.  I first came up with the concept when Aerosmith threatened to get a different singer when Steven Tyler decided he needed to focus more on his “brand” than his band.  I hate that by the way.  “Brand”.  It is impossible talk about one’s brand without sounding like a total dickhole.  We’ll save that for another time maybe. 

 

It sounds ridiculous.  Replace Steven Tyler in Aerosmith?  Without Tyler it’s not Aerosmith.  While there is some logic that he brings a uniqueness the “brand” we know as Aerosmith, I think we’d be remise if we didn’t at least acknowledge that we “feel” that way because of an emotional attachment to the band and the music.  But what if it was us.  What if what we loved was taken away from us because one person wanted to do something else?  Would you still feel the same?  Can't replace Tyler?  Most people would say the same about Joe Perry.  Yet Aerosmith did just that in the late 70’s for a couple of records.  As for the other three stiffs in the band, would anyone even notice? 

 

But we’re getting a little ahead of ourselves.  Let’s start by talking about why and how bands get to this point. 

 

First thing to understand is this.  When it comes to why this happens it’s almost never interesting.  From our first voyage onto a playground as a child we are faced with the reality that there are people who don’t like us and people we don’t like.  There are people we thought we liked only to find out we don’t.  Sometimes we end up liking those people again and most times that happens we end up not liking them for the same reasons we didn’t the first time.  And when looked at objectively, there is rarely one side that is clearly right and one that’s wrong.  Shades of gray.  Being rich and famous doesn’t make you more affable.   Just because Motley Crue just sold 10 million copies of Dr. Feelgood doesn’t mean Tommy Lee liked Vince Neil.  Not liking people is what people do. 

 

The point is some of these bands have fans.  And those fans have rights.  Or at least they should.  Like not having to keep track of multiple groups of musicians all calling themselves the same thing.  I’m not the brightest lighter held in the air during I Remember You, but I know that when I see Sebastian Bach he’s gonna play some Skid Row.  I don’t need it called Skid Row featuring Sebastian Bach.  Give the members of Skid Row credit for not fighting over the name.  But too many others have failed to follow their lead.  Too many others have failed to learn from the mistakes of bands like Ratt, LA Guns, and more recently Queensryche and Great White.  This isn’t reserved to leftovers from the 80’s.  John Kay got in trouble for using the name Steppenwolf.  John Fogerty and Credence Clearwater Revival's fued is probably the most famous example bitter disputes regarding the use of a name and music.  The bottom line is while the parties involved all have their points, it’s the fans who pay.  So in an effort to see cooler heads prevail and give a voice to those who make the lives of these pampered dick shitters possible, I pronounce myself the first Rock N Roll Commissioner and as such I offer my unsolicited expert advice in the form of a ruling.  Lets start with some absolutes.   

 

#1.   If you were not a member of the band in question, you don’t count.  I don’t care about some bogus contract you tricked an artist into singing.  Fans provide the income and no one is a fan of a bands manager or accountant.  You simply don't matter.   

 

#2.  If you were in the band at the beginning, but not when the band had its greatest impact, you also don't count.  Sorry Ron McGovney and whoever was Deep Purple’s first singer. 

 

#3.  If after said split (And my ruling) you plan on recording or touring under the name then you need a minimum of TWO members of the bands most beloved lineup and at least one of those two cannot be a drummer or bass player. 

 

#4.  Once a band splits and say for example the singer leaves and the band keeps the name with a new singer, let the guy no longer in the band perform the songs from his time in the band.  Remember his fans are your fans too.  Don’t be a dick.  And if you have this somehow written up in a contract then just admit you are a dick and re-write the contract.  Remember all those times you said in interviews that without the fans your nothing?  Prove it.

 

#5.  All rulings are final.  No suing or crap like that.  Save that for arguments about publishing and royalties.  That stuff I can guarantee the fans don’t care about.   

 

Queensryche.  Oooh.  Starting off with a tough one.  The singer was fired because the rest of band didn’t like him much.  But that doesn’t take away the fact that his voice is a key component to their sound or the role he’s played in song writing over the decades.  Is it really fair to take the name from someone so integral to establishing the Queensryche brand?  (Sorry)  And rather than fire him outright they fired his wife and his daughter in law without talking to him.  Which for some reason pissed him off causing him to spit on the drummer during a concert.  On the other hand he did spit on the drummer during a concert.  Kind of asking to get fired when you do that. 

 

MY RULING:  Either work it out and learn how to be nice and work together or pack it in and start over with something new.  The fans don’t want a new singer after 30 years and they definitely don’t want the artistically neutered band Geoff Tate has been calling Queensryche.  Also, you must send a written apology to anyone who bought either one of the shitty CD’s you rushed out in an effort to make your version of Queensryche the “real” one.  If you can’t work together then sue each other all you want over royalties from the back catalog and t-shirt/merch sales and such.  But no recording.  No touring.  This also goes for you Great White. 

 

KISS.  After 5 years of the original lineup Ace and Peter were replaced by two guys who dress as Ace and Peter.  This one is easy. 

 

MY RULING:  You are done.  Initially I thought “Maybe if they gave the new guys their own makeup or if they just continued without makeup that’d be ok” but they have disrespected their fans for too long with this dog and pony show they currently call KISS.  To allow them to continue would be criminal.  When you consider they reunited with Ace Frehley and Peter Criss.  Put the makeup back on.  Released a record in which they fraudulently insisted was a group effort.  Then did a farewell tour.  Only to come back a year later without Ace or Peter but instead two guys dressed as Ace and Peter.  Then tried to convince the fans it was no different by using clever sleight of hand techniques like saying it was never Ace and Peter.  It was always Space Man and Cat Man.  All before spewing two horrible collections of original music upon us under the moniker of KISS.  The sheer number of violations leaves only one option.  Can’t let you keep going.  No more records and no more tours.  Gene and Paul.  I’m pretty sure you already have the rights to all your merch and back catalog locked up so your horrible children will have to find a way to live off that.

 

 

Aerosmith.  Well they did the right thing by kissing and making up but in the event this comes to issue again let’s make it official. 

 

MY RULING:  Unless someone dies, Aerosmith will only be the 5 guys it is now.  It’s not the same as when they replaced Joe Perry in the 70’s.  It’s been 40 years.  The last Aerosmith song anyone will ever want to hear was written well over 20 years ago.  If you can’t work together and make ass tons of money then stop.  As for you Steven and Joe.  Get over yourselves.  Show the other guys some respect and quit messing with them. 

 

Stone Temple Pilots.  Can’t keep their singer Weiland sober long enough to complete a tour or proper record.  The rest of the band have done two side projects where they used a different singer under a different name.  Those projects had minimal success.  So they tried working with Weiland again and of course it was a train wreck.  Which brings us to now.  The rest of the band said Fuck it and got Chester from Linkin Park to sing for them and are recording and touring again. 

 

MY RULING:  They can continue on as STP.  It seems to me that the only reason they are looking for a new singer is because Weiland is a wasted schmuck.  Why should they pay the price?  They have tried multiple times to make it work.  And he had similar issues with Velvet Revolver.  So he doesn’t really get the benefit of the doubt here.  Plus the band is putting it front and center that they have Chester from LP singing for them.  Nobody’s getting duped.  And this is clearly going to be his “B” project.  If his band don’t mind, why should anyone else.  

 

Van Halen.  In 1984 David Lee Roth left and ever since fans have been clamoring for a reunion.  They have been teased with false starts that never got going before they finally got it together... without Michael Anthony.  This is directed entirely at Eddie Van Halen. 

 

MY RULING:  How DARE you make us all wait so long for the reunion only to slip in your son as a replacement for Michael Anthony.  You had almost three decades to get this right and this is what you give us?  You teased us with rumors and a couple songs on a soundtrack only to be offered Gary Cherone.  Who do you think you are?  Dave Mustaine?  Your emotionally weak desire to only play with family is both comical and sad.  You have one option.  You must do at least one full tour with the original line up allowing anyone who bought tickets to the shows Wolfie played on, to attend for free.  And during your guitar solo you must include an apology to the fans for treating them so bad.  After that, do what you want.  Go back to recording sountracks to porno's for all I care but you owe us one tour of the full lineup.