Snark At The Moon 2014 Man Of The Year

To be named SATMMOTY is an honor of the highest regard.  It means you were brave enough to carve your path in spite of common sense or basic decency.  It means you stood in the way of naysayers and basic logic and said “I don’t care about you or anyone else!”  The SATMMOTY has put his own shit under his nose and declared it odor free.  This year there were many who were considered.  Kanye put in a strong performance to repeat.  Charlie Sheen got wasted and hung out at a Taco Bell.  Johnny Football doing coke (allegedly) in a bathroom.  Gene Simmons telling depressed people to kill themselves only to have Robin Williams take his advice.  And Kirk Cameron came out of nowhere to make a strong year end push with a new movie and his desire for women to cook and sing while decorating the house.

 

Alas as the choices were laid and sorted none of these could quite match the qualities of this years inductee.

 

This years inductee may have gave you a half chub while pushing stroller, released a book of self portraits, was attacked by a paparazzo while exiting a limo and may or may not have been paid $500,000 to have sex out of wedlock.

 

A living testament to contradiction.  This years inductee is world famous yet has no fans.  Claims to have a resplendent work ethic yet has no job.  Can't go anywhere without being photographed yet fills time away from the camera's taking selfies.  We here at Snark At The Moon ask you to honor this year’s winner, NOT by standing but by sitting.  On that big fat ass of yours.   The Snark At The Moon, 2014, Man Of The Year is... 

 

KIM KARDASAHIAN!

 

God may have punished you by making you fat post-prego but we here at SATM honor you with our highest, um, honor.  You may get out to pump the gas but you clearly wear the pants in your family.  You spent the last year pissing off actual working mothers everywhere by discussing how hard it is to balance time with your child and whatever it is you think you do for a living.  You honor your marriage by regularly accepting six figure sums to be someone’s "date" for an evening.  Your family has taken over the E! network by showing the world how void of meaning your lives are.  And if it weren’t for you, no one would know who Scott Disick is.  You could’ve single handedly been the lone talking point for SATM in 2014 and considering what else there was to talk about, that’s quite an achievement.  While we all enjoyed your early work you had become quite tiresome.  Then you rally with bare ass and boobs.  So as we give you this award we also ask you to go away.  At the very least stick to baring your ass or tits.  Just stop talking.

 

We did advance an interview request to Kim’s publicist who was so anxious to pass on it she took only two minutes to say no.  Hey, she could've said nothing.  Below is that exchange.       

Gene Simmons Love's Himself Some Gene Simmons

How often do you wake and think “I need to write and sell a book about how to write and sell a book”?  Well if your name is Gene Simmons that’s probably a thought you have most days.  After perusing my advance copy of Gene’s latest book “Me Inc.”  I got to a point where I figured rather than offer a review of the book I’d actually be doing you the reader a solid by saving you time and money and just give you the main points in an easy to digest manner.  A sort of Me Inc. For Dummies.  Although anyone buying this book can’t be too bright.  But as such here’s a step by step guide on how you too can be successful like Gene Simmons.

1.       Meet Paul Stanley

2.       Cash big checks

3.       Say lots of inflammatory and stupid things

4.       Point to pile of money as validation of your stupid views

Things the Gene has been successful at:

1.       KISS

Things Gene has failed at away from KISS:

1.       Running a record company.

2.       Silent Rage

3.       House of Lords

4.       Gene Simmons Tongue (Men’s Magazine)

5.       Gene Simmons Bikini Carwash

6.       Moneybag (Clothing line)

7.       Making Indy Racing relevant again

8.       Marketing

9.       Record Producer

10.   Acting

11.   Running a record company, a second time.

12.   Managing Liza Manelli

There’s more but the overall point is this.  If you meet the right person it doesn’t matter how incompetent you are. 

KISS By The Numbers. Which Lineup Carries The Most Significance... Seriously.

Whether it was Bruce Kulick on the Arsenio Hall show in 1994 snarking that he’s been in the band longer than Ace and he’s still the new guy or more recently when Paul used the fact that the current lineup has been together almost as long as the original 4 members of KISS were as an excuse not to perform with Ace and Peter at the ROR HOF induction ceremony.  It has, from time to time, been said that KISS without Ace and Peter has been more relevant.  Typically using calendar years as evidence of significance. 

Let me state for the record that I find this to be a minority opinion and typically voiced by Gene or Paul.  I don’t feel that way for sure.  But it is not a fringe opinion.  As someone who considers himself to be an expert in all things KISS I can tell you that there has always been a segment of the fan base that fully supports whatever the current lineup is and any decisions it makes and products it releases.  To the extreme they feel the need to defend it.  I think they should’ve stopped after the reunion tour.  That’s my opinion.  There are fans of KISS that upon reading that sentence have already decided I hate the current band.  Which not only isn’t true it isn’t what I said.  What can you do?

I’ll tell you what you can do.  Take opinion out of the equation.  KISS as it is started performing in 2003.  On paper that’s just over 10 years.  The original band started in 1973 and Peter was officially out of the band in 1980 which is barely 7 years.  Sure they reunited for 5 years from 1996-2001 but they never did 10 years straight.  Plus there’s no reason to think this lineup won’t keep going at least 2 more years.  Toss in Eric’s years with the band before the reunion and it’s pretty clear.  The current lineup is more legit, more important and by default the more significant. 

But shouldn't the question be what did any lineup do with their time?  How productive were they?  What did Bruce Kulick really contribute to the legacy of KISS?  How important was the addition of Eric Singer in 1992?  And how does the current lineup truly stack up to previous lineups.  From 2003 to now, the current lineup has released a whopping 2 studio albums of new material.  The original four released their first two records in 8 months.  In the last decade both Gene and Paul have released solo albums and written books.  They started their own restaurant chain and purchased an arena league football team.  Paul did a solo tour and released a DVD all while he pursued his art career as a painter.  Gene had a reality TV series, started an advertising agency and Eric Singer found time to do a few tours with Alice Cooper as well as with his own project ESP.  By way of comparison Ace Frehley got shit for skipping out on a recording session to play cards with some friends. 

The point is simple.  10 days of inactivity in KISS are not equal to 1 day of productivity.  Time alone is an inaccurate and misleading way to measure significance.  In this instance anyway.  So I came up with a point system to determine what version of the band delivered the biggest bang for the buck.  I call it… BLOKE (or Bakko’s Law Of KISS Equation.)  It works like this.

Years in the band – 2 pts. Per year

Studio Albums – 5 pts. Per album

Live Albums – 3 pts. Per album

Shows Played – 10 Shows = 1 pt.

Album Sales – 100K = 1 pt.

Years with no tour/no album – 1 year = -20 pts.

And probably the most revealing statistic.

Songs in the current setlist – 1 pt for every year since release (ex. Deuce = 40 pts.  Hell or Halleluah = 2 pts)

As you see I not only give points to things like “years of service” and “shows played” but I felt it necessary to take points away for years of inactivity.  You can't give 1976 the same score as 2006.  3 tours and 2 albums vs. none of either.  My criteria for “inactivity” is the absence of a proper tour or record release.  A proper tour is considered a minimum of 25 dates in no more than 60 days.  I also felt the songs that are currently in the set list should be weighted giving points for longevity.  And I gave no points for the barrage of repackaging of previous material in the form of all the greatest hits, live etc albums that came out the last decade.  Also with the Ace and Peter in/out of the band in 2002-2003 I gave neither credit for those years.  For the sake of this equation 2003 is the start of the current lineup.  I also figured the powers that be chose to present Unmasked as an album with Peter Criss so I gave him credit for that.  I used the same reasoning for Ace on Creatures.  I did not overlap any members.  I used my best judgment when doing so and I didn’t award any points for the 78 solo albums, Best of Solo or Killers.

The Original lineup of Gene, Paul, Peter and Ace came in the highest with a BLOKE score of almost 734 while the current lineup of Gene, Paul, Eric Singer and Tommy came in last with a BLOKE score of 11 pts.  Even if you were to remove the penalty for years of inactivity they would still come in a distant third to the lineup of Gene, Paul, Eric Carr and Bruce Kulick which was officially together 7 years and just slightly ahead of the much maligned and short lived lineup of Gene, Paul, Eric Carr and Vinnie Vincent.  Which lasted barely a year, which I’ve been told is much less than the 10+ that Paul tells us the current band has been together. 

What does this really tell us.  Quite simply, that KISS was far busier in the first 7 years than the last 10.  And there are reasons for that.  When you’re young and hungry you have the time, drive and energy to do more.  Your working toward a goal.  It also tells us that this was when much of the music they still play was written and recorded.    Whereas the current lineup took a break from late 2004 until mid 2008.  Gene and Paul spent time working on many other things leaving Tommy to focus on the bands legacy which I would say he did brilliantly with the KISSOLOGY releases.  But the only time they came close to achieving the success and dominance of the band from 1976-1979 was when they reunited in 1996.  I have only one point.  It’s ridiculous to say or imply that the current lineup or any lineup that doesn’t include Ace Frehley and Peter Criss has ever approached the same level of significance.  You may prefer the Crazy Nights band but without the original band, that band doesn’t exist. 

Also, you can’t compare Ace and Peter to Tommy and Eric.  Or Bruce, Mark, Vinnie and Eric Carr.  Being a founding member of a band that achieved the heights that KISS did is nothing like being a contracted employee of that band after the fame has been achieved.  Unless your name is Vinnie Vincent, you’re not going to have the same level of entitlement as a hired musician as you would as a founding member.  You will not have the personal or emotional connection.  We’ll never know how Bruce Kulick would’ve dealt with the Gene and Paul power play that started to take place towards the end of the original bands run, or how Eric Singer would feel seeing another person wearing the makeup he created playing his part in the band, or how Tommy would’ve approached the Elder sessions or even how Ace would handle being in the role Tommy is in right now.

KISS has for many reasons endured into their 5^th decade.  That would never happen without Paul Stanley.  If you want to talk real significance it's Paul.  They may have had their ups and downs but without him there would be no need to discuss which lineup did what.  Gene is largely the most famous face in KISS and if you’ve listened to Paul the last decade its clear he has grown tired of the Demon garnering the lion’s share of attention for the work he put in.  Not that Gene hasn’t been a large part of the bands success.  It’s just that starting in 78’ he has checked out from time to time.  So take a bow Paul.  YOU more than anyone you’ve shared a stage with has earned it.  You also earned the right to play with who want and call it KISS.  But at some point you should realize you won.  Minimizing any of the lineups contribution doesn’t make the current one seem better.  It just makes you sound bitter.  Gene spews so much bullshit out of his mouth I figure most people can’t tell the difference between him and Ted Nugent.  As for the BLOKE scores, actual tallies are below.  Bring on the hate mail and math corrections.        

 

Original Lineup

Paul, Gene, Ace and Peter

1973 – 1980; 1996-2001 = 12 pts

Studio albums – 9 = 45 pts

Live Albums – 3 = 9 pts

Shows Played – 1018 = 101.8

Records Sold* – 17 million. = 170 pts

Years with no tour/no album – 0 = 0 pts

Songs in current playlist – 11 (396 total years) = 396 pts

Total Points – 733.8

 

Lineup 2

Paul, Gene, Ace and Eric Carr

1980-1982 = 2 pts

Studio Albums – 2 = 10 pts

Live albums – 0

Shows Played – 42 = 4.2 pts

Records Sold – 1 Million = 10 pts

Years with no tour/no album – 0 = 0 pts

Songs in current playlist – 2 (22 years) = 22 pts

Total Points – 48.2

Lineup 3

Paul, Gene, Eric Carr and Vinnie Vincent

1982-1983 = 1 pt

Studio albums – 1 = 5 pts

Live Albums – 0 = 0 pts

Shows Played – 150 = 15

Records Sold – 1.2 million. = 12 pts

Years with no tour/no album – 0 = 0 pts

Songs in current playlist – 1 (21 total years) = 21 pts

Total Points – 54

Lineup 4

Paul, Gene, Eric Carr and Mark St. John

1984 = 1 pt

Studio albums – 1 = 5 pts

Live Albums – 0 = 0 pts

Shows Played – 2? = 0 pts

Records Sold – 1.2 million. = 12 pts

Years with no tour/no album – 0 = 0 pts

Songs in current playlist – 1 (21 total years) = 21 pts

Total Points – 39

Lineup 5

Paul, Gene, Eric Carr and Bruce Kulick

1984-1991 = 7 pts

Studio albums – 3 = 15 pts

Live Albums – 0 = 0 pts

Shows Played – 462 = 46.2

Records Sold – 5.2 million. = 52 pts

Years with no tour/no album – 1 = -20 pts

Songs in current playlist – 1 (24 total years) = 24 pts

Total Points – 124.2

Lineup 6

Paul, Gene, Bruce Kulick and Eric Singer

1992-1996 = 4 pts

Studio albums – 2 = 10 pts

Live Albums – 2 = 6 pts

Shows Played – 79 = 7.9

Records Sold – 2.1 million. = 21 pts

Years with no tour/no album – 0 = 0 pts

Songs in current playlist – 0  = 0 pts

Total Points – 48.9

Lineup 7

Paul, Gene, Eric Singer and Tommy Thayer

2003 - Current = 11 pts

Studio albums – 2 = 10 pts

Live Albums – 0 = 0 pts

Shows Played – 360 = 36 pts

Records Sold –500,000 = 5 pts

Years with no tour/no album – 3 = -60 pts

Songs in current playlist – 3 (9 total years) = 9 pts

Total Points – 11 pts

*Album sales courtesy of GreasyLake.org

God of Thunder Thighs

“Even the best chicks can only last a couple of hours.”

I was years away from my first sexual experience when I first read that quote from David Lee Roth.  Yet despite my inability to truly comprehend what he was saying, something about that comment resonated with me.  That comment and the ability to come up with it seemed to embody everything I wanted to be.  In my pre-pubescent brain, it was quite possibly the coolest thing to say.  It oozed with confidence and dripped a sexual overtone that came with being a rock God.  That was before he became a caricature or a punch line to some lame 80’s rock joke.  No sir.  This was Diamond Dave in all his high kicking, spandex sporting Rock God glory.  And everything I wanted to be. 

As much as I found myself in awe of the bands I saw in Hit Parader and MTV, I was never star struck.  What I felt was more like desperate separation.  Like “If these guys only knew me, we’d be best friends.  I’d be the one dorky teenager they’d want to hang out with.”  I longed to be part of something out of my reach and I was frustrated.  I saw my surroundings as something I couldn’t put behind me quick enough.  I was a boy out of place.  An rock n roll astronaut stuck on earth.  A devil in the church.  I looked at rocker’s like Diamond Dave and dreamed of what it would be like to be them.      

But that’s just it isn’t it?  When you’re 15, rock stars seem ageless.  Old enough to do all the cool shit but not old like your stupid parents.  Parents are lame.  They eat three meals a day and go to church every Sunday.  Fuck that.  Do you think David Lee Roth is worried about the 4 food groups?  There’s no way Gene Simmons has ever gone to church.  He was born evil.  Right?  Or so I thought anyway.

I'll clean your chimney after this song

Ah but 25 years later things have changed.  Gene Simmons is just an old Jewish man who’s gotten a bit fat. And Diamond Dave?  More like Dingbat Dave.  He’s just an old man.  He isn’t even kind of cool.  He’s a hokey vaudevillian type.  A Vegas act and a cheap one.  In fact both Gene and Dave have taken their talents to Vegas.  Turns out, they were never as cool as I once thought they were.  In reality nobody is.  Cool is façade.  Cool is an illusion.  An outfit.  Shoes and makeup.  Lighting and cheap fabric.  Behind those serious faces of musicians who glamorized binge drinking and groupie sex were guys running on treadmills and avoiding alcohol to preserve their voices while making sure their tour riders included plenty of fresh fruit.  Lyrical reference’s to drugs and neck tattoo’s portray an image that often masks reality.  (Insert Buckcherry reference here) 

Ok so not all of them were healthy eating monogamous phonies but plenty of them are.  And I find it interesting the way our rockers age.   You can tell how successful a musician was and how relevant they still are by the way they look.  If you ran into Chuck Billy and James Hetfield at a San Francisco bar in 1988, you wouldn’t see the stark difference in appearance you do now.  Chuck Billy looks like he ate himself while Mr. Hetfield has on a pair of jeans and a t shirt that combined probably cost more than Chuck’s monthly rent on his apartment. 

Chuck Billy. Living the Dream

By 1992 Metallica were beginning their run as the biggest rock band on the planet while Testament was already into the downside of their career cycle.  20 years later they are both still going.  Only one of them strong.  When Metallica fly’s their private plane to their next show, I don’t think the in flight meal is Big Mac’s and Dilly bars.  And when Testament is playing some 400 seat club in New Mexico, I doubt their rider has top end, low fat catering.  More like 6 tombstones and a case of diet coke.  Look at current pictures of U2, Metallica, and and compare them to current pictures of bands like Testament and Exodus.  You can tell who’s staying in the better hotel’s. 

Alas we all age.  Some better than others.  But Rock Gods are supposed to stay golden.  Finding out they don’t is like discovering the whole Santa Claus cover up.      

God Of Thunder Thighs

The silver lining of course is that when it mattered to me, the illusion worked.  When I was popping pimples and jerking off 7 times a day, it all seemed so real.  So awesome.  So cool.  Right around the time I realized most of the musicians I inspired to be were either horribly boring or just horrible people, I no longer cared.  And for some reason, I didn’t feel betrayed.  I look back with fondness at the way dreaming of Rock Stardom made me feel.  And while it can never be the same I miss it.  There is a small window of time where horror movies are something you can watch and find scary.  And if you never watch horror movies during that time you will never know that feeling.  That same sentiment is why I don’t feel like I was lied to.  The feeling I had was real.  And that is what really matters.