Friday, September 6, 2013

General Rules of Behaviour For Sports

Are you ready for some football?  Maybe.

Professional sport in this country has become a monument to the term bloated.  It seems to encompass everything about us.  Even people who hate sports (nerds) are forced to deal with its reality.  We use the existence of teams in our cities as proof of a certain quality of life.  The uniforms of these teams have become fashion statements  as well as billboards for our fan allegiance.  Spend any amount of time in a tourist location like Las Vegas and you’ll see examples everywhere.  And any square inch of printable ad space has the grinning face of a pro athlete of some level on it.  

So while I do enjoy sports and I feel it can be a good way for a community to come together, I think things have gotten a little out of hand and it is time we assess the situation and establish some ground rules for all things sporting.   So am I ready for some football?  Yes.  But only under the following conditions.

No man over the age of 30 should ever wear a team’s jersey anywhere other than an actual game.  By the time you turn 30 this should already be clear to you.  But since there are grown men who don’t see how stupid they look in their Randy Moss jersey from 98’ when they go to the grocery store, we need this rule.  Girls look hot in jersey’s so they can wear them whenever they want.

Are you in the right stadium bro?
Whether you are going to the game or just getting together with some friends to watch a game, you can only wear clothing that represents one of the two teams playing.  Just because have no rooting interest in a Vikings/Lions matchup, doesn’t me you have an excuse to bust out your Clay Matthews jersey.  And nobody looks dumber than the guy in the stands of a Chiefs/Broncos game wearing his Seahawks jersey.  If you are going to take a ticket from someone who actually is a fan of one of the teams you are watching, at least have the decency to respect it.  Just put on a t shirt and jeans.

No single beer should cost more than $5.  If you can’t make a profit selling beer for $5 each then you have a flawed business model.

Everything needs to be cheaper.  Attendance in all sports is sliding down.  There are all sorts of stories the ask the question why.  Is it because we like our HD TV’s and the internet to follow our fantasy teams?  Maybe for some.  But it may also be that $50 to park at Soldier Field is a bit prohibitive.  If someone making 40k can’t afford season tickets, then you are charging too much.  If a family of four can’t attend a game for under $150, you charge too much.  You have held these people hostage.  Used their fear of losing their team to another city to leverage them for tax money.  All to make you richer.  At least give them an affordable ticket.  To not do so is a slap in the face.  And PSL’s need to be banned.

No more naming rights.  Remember when the 49er’s played in stadium?  How about the University Of Phoenix Stadium in Glendale AZ.  It just sounds fucking stupid.  If we’re gonna keep em’ then I insist the Lambeau Field be renamed Depends Adult Diaper Field.  

Packer fans are only allowed to talk about the Packers when its topical.  These losers live their entire life as if we all only care about football.  They’ll come up to you at a 4th of July Picnic wearing their Arron Rodgers jersey and drop some sweet smack talk like, “How many Super Bowls have you won?” into your conversation about grilling.  Officially licensed NFL Packer gear is to them what a suit and tie is to normal people.  They go out for dinner, attend funerals and weddings wearing them.  The only thing they are capable of talking about is the Packers and its players.  Or how they are part owner in one of the most profitable businesses on the planet yet reap no profits.  Save the smack talk for, you know, an actual game.  Tossing the Frisbee while having a couple of beers doesn’t count.  And in the middle of summer, I’m not too bothered that the Green Bay Packers, not you, beat my favorite team six months ago.

No more complaining about in game commentators.  They have a boring job and complaining about them is like complaining about traffic.  It’s all been said before.  If it’s that bad turn the sound off.  Except Joe Buck.  Fuck Joe Buck.

Lighten up the restriction when it comes to using the terms “Super” and “Bowl” side by side.  Is there really any reason my local grocery store has to advertise big savings on chicken wings for the “Big Game” because they  haven’t paid your multi-billion dollar corporation for the privilege of using two words from the dictionary side by side?  This just seems petty.  And no Official (insert any non football related product here) of the Minnesota Vikings.  Is there actually such a thing as the official candy bar of the NFL?  Or the official car dealer of the Super, e-hem, Bowl?  This all seems stupid and greedy.  You won’t even allow water on the sidelines unless it’s drank out of a Gatorade cup.  That is just stupid.

And lastly.  No more televised Super Bowl halftime performances.  No matter who you get, most people will hate it.  Because it’s hyped to be such a big deal it only encourages lip syncing which kind of goes against the point of making it such a big deal.  Just show high lights.  Have the 43 people covering the game for whatever network is showing it talk about what each team needs to do in the second half.  Or how about this?  Show more commercials.  People will enjoy it more and you’ll not only save the 7 figure salary you were gonna give Katy Perry but you’ll make a ton of bank on the air time.

Oh and go (Insert favorite team name here)!                       

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