Are you ready for some football? Maybe.
Professional sport in this country has become a monument to
the term bloated. It seems to encompass everything about us. Even
people who hate sports (nerds) are forced to deal with its reality. We
use the existence of teams in our cities as proof of a certain quality of
life. The uniforms of these teams have become fashion statements as
well as billboards for our fan allegiance. Spend any amount of time in a
tourist location like Las Vegas and you’ll see examples everywhere. And
any square inch of printable ad space has the grinning face of a pro athlete of
some level on it.
So while I do enjoy sports and I feel it can be a good way
for a community to come together, I think things have gotten a little out of
hand and it is time we assess the situation and establish some ground rules for
all things sporting. So am I ready for some football?
Yes. But only under the following conditions.
No man over the age of 30 should ever wear a team’s jersey
anywhere other than an actual game. By the time you turn 30 this should
already be clear to you. But since there are grown men who don’t see how
stupid they look in their Randy Moss jersey from 98’ when they go to the
grocery store, we need this rule. Girls look hot in jersey’s so they can
wear them whenever they want.
Are you in the right stadium bro? |
Whether you are going to the game or just getting together
with some friends to watch a game, you can only wear clothing that represents
one of the two teams playing. Just because have no rooting interest in a
Vikings/Lions matchup, doesn’t me you have an excuse to bust out your Clay
Matthews jersey. And nobody looks dumber than the guy in the stands of a
Chiefs/Broncos game wearing his Seahawks jersey. If you are going to take
a ticket from someone who actually is a fan of one of the teams you are
watching, at least have the decency to respect it. Just put on a t shirt
and jeans.
No single beer should cost more than $5. If you can’t
make a profit selling beer for $5 each then you have a flawed business model.
Everything needs to be cheaper. Attendance in all
sports is sliding down. There are all sorts of stories the ask the
question why. Is it because we like our HD TV’s and the internet to
follow our fantasy teams? Maybe for some. But it may also be that
$50 to park at Soldier Field is a bit prohibitive. If someone making 40k
can’t afford season tickets, then you are charging too much. If a family
of four can’t attend a game for under $150, you charge too much. You have
held these people hostage. Used their fear of losing their team to
another city to leverage them for tax money. All to make you
richer. At least give them an affordable ticket. To not do so is a
slap in the face. And PSL’s need to be banned.
No more naming rights. Remember when the 49er’s played
in monster.com stadium? How about the University Of Phoenix Stadium in
Glendale AZ. It just sounds fucking stupid. If we’re gonna keep em’
then I insist the Lambeau Field be renamed Depends Adult Diaper
Field.
Packer fans are only allowed to talk about the Packers when
its topical. These losers live their entire life as if we all only care
about football. They’ll come up to you at a 4th of July Picnic
wearing their Arron Rodgers jersey and drop some sweet smack talk like, “How
many Super Bowls have you won?” into your conversation about grilling.
Officially licensed NFL Packer gear is to them what a suit and tie is to normal
people. They go out for dinner, attend funerals and weddings wearing
them. The only thing they are capable of talking about is the Packers and
its players. Or how they are part owner in one of the most profitable
businesses on the planet yet reap no profits. Save the smack talk for,
you know, an actual game. Tossing the Frisbee while having a couple of
beers doesn’t count. And in the middle of summer, I’m not too bothered
that the Green Bay Packers, not you, beat my favorite team six months ago.
No more complaining about in game commentators. They
have a boring job and complaining about them is like complaining about
traffic. It’s all been said before. If it’s that bad turn the sound
off. Except Joe Buck. Fuck Joe Buck.
Lighten up the restriction when it comes to using the terms
“Super” and “Bowl” side by side. Is there really any reason my local
grocery store has to advertise big savings on chicken wings for the “Big Game”
because they haven’t paid your multi-billion dollar corporation for the
privilege of using two words from the dictionary side by side? This just
seems petty. And no Official (insert any non football related product
here) of the Minnesota Vikings. Is there actually such a thing as the
official candy bar of the NFL? Or the official car dealer of the Super,
e-hem, Bowl? This all seems stupid and greedy. You won’t even allow
water on the sidelines unless it’s drank out of a Gatorade cup. That is
just stupid.
And lastly. No more televised Super Bowl halftime
performances. No matter who you get, most people will hate it.
Because it’s hyped to be such a big deal it only encourages lip syncing which
kind of goes against the point of making it such a big deal. Just show
high lights. Have the 43 people covering the game for whatever network is
showing it talk about what each team needs to do in the second half. Or
how about this? Show more commercials. People will enjoy it more
and you’ll not only save the 7 figure salary you were gonna give Katy Perry but
you’ll make a ton of bank on the air time.
Oh and go (Insert favorite team name here)!
Packer fans = low hanging fruit.
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