Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Go Home Miley. You're Not Drunk Enough

Margaret Thatcher once said “Being a musician is like being a lady.  If you have to tell people you are, you’re not.”  At least I think that’s how it went.  The point is, if Miley Cyrus didn’t tell people she was a musician or a lady, most people would never know either.  When she tries to act edgy and shock us all she ends up looking like a 4 year old mimicking a Madonna video.  That said I must admit a bit of shame in just writing about her.  I am now part of the machine feeding a horrible person’s self worth.  Fuck it.  It’s not my fault she sucks. 
And suck she does.  And not the good kind (allegedly).  Is there anything she claims to be that is worth our time or money?  Should anyone who didn’t have a 10 year old daughter 6 years ago know who she is?  Time to dissect. 
Music.  If she’s a musician then Mr. Rogers is a journalist.  I’m ok with her, or anyone else for that matter, writing cheesy garbage meant to entertain pre-teen girls.  But when you make your deal with the devil you should be stuck with the consequences.  Miley should be singing about doll houses and fairies.  Not sticking her ass and tongue out simultaneously as Robin Thicke rubs his Ken Doll in her crack.  The line between cutting edge and Tijuana Donkey Show is NOT a fine one.  Some people say pop music was always this way.  Those people are stupid.  Pop music didn’t start with Destiny’s Child.  Elvis was Pop.  The Beatles, Fleetwood Mack, the Eagles, Billy Joel, Elton John, Billy Idol, David Bowie, Madonna, Cindy Lauper, Bruce Springsteen, Lionel Richie, Reo Speedwagon, Journey, Styx, Queen and Prince to name a few, have all been Pop Stars in their own right.  Say what you want about em'.  Everyone of them knew how to write a song and could play multiple instruments.  We don’t even know if Miley can sing.  It really wasn’t until the mid 90’s when not using any instruments on a song became common place.  Much less auto-tune. 
And there used to be an unwritten rule about Disney channel type stars.  They never had grown up careers.  Now we got Christina, Britney, Timberlake and to a lesser extent the fucking Jonas Brothers being treated as credible artists.  Sorry folks but the world was a better place when David Cassidy was forced to fade away into adulthood.  Miley should be made to as well.
But no.  She’s popping up naked everywhere.  Crying on stage because the stupid ass lyrics of her song, written by someone else, remind her that her boyfriend dumped her a couple of days earlier.  Put on a shirt and get off stage for fucks sake.  Who the hell thinks she’s sexy anyway?  Catholic priests?.  Her mannish looks crossed with female DNA only mean she’s gonna look like a pre-pube boy for another decade or so.  I mean.  C'mon.  There really is something unnerving about her when she’s naked.  It's like seeing your brother naked.  And for a woman, that’s not a good thing.  Instead of shaving her head and swinging around naked on a giant steel ball, she needs to be getting a boob and ass job.  STAT!           
Elton John (Sir Elton to you commoners) recently proclaimed her an official train wreck.  He had seen this same behavior in Lindsay Lohan before her.  C'mon Elton.  Even that she can't pull off proper.  The suggestion that she’s following in steps of all time greats like Lilo, Charlie Sheen or even minor leaguers like Paris Hilton is laughable.  Sticking your tongue out while twerking all over Beetlejuice is childs play.  Complete with giant teddy bears.  Gary Busey can’t wake up without creating better headlines than that.  Wanna know how a child star is supposed to wreck?  See Corey Haim.  Or Feldman.  Or Todd Bridges.  Or Leif Garrett.  That’s right.  Leif fucking Garrett.  Look him up. While Miley gains headlines for poorly mimicking Gene Simmons, he’s paralyzing his best friend in a drunken car accident.  That’s how it’s done Miley.  (Actually it’s a horrible story and in no way should you feel encouraged to follow that path).   
I know it’s not all her fault.  Her dad’s Billy Ray Cyrus after all.  That can’t be easy.  Being raised by a punch line.  Gotta be rough.  For that I have empathy.  But if you want that sexy edge that Christina was able to pull off, you gotta be hotter.  Dressing skimpy and  acting like  a slut only works if you look like someone men want to fuck.  The same people engaging in self pleasure to Miley’s VMA performance are the ones who violated many a Hannah Montana doll and are far too old to be single and watch the Disney Channel.  In a recent poll* 90% of men who found Miley sexy have also considered becoming a priest.  The other 10% drive ice cream trucks.
Bottom line, go home Miley.  You’re not drunk enough, hot enough or talented enough. 
*No poll was actually conducted.  This statistic was invented for comedic purposes.