2014 was a banner year for Snark At The Moon. Gene Simmons got upset with us, took his ball and went home. Our monthly blog reads doubled. Kim Kardashian passed on an opportunity to be interviewed for our little blog. And Justin Bieber went from egg tossing drug addict to God seeking albino falling off a skateboard.
Let us honor the year that was 2014 with the first of it's kind SATM Best of 2014 year in review.
BEST MADONNA SUCKING AT THE TEET OF CURRENT RELEVANCE - Ever since Madonna made out with Christina and Britney at the VMA's, Madge has glommed on to any upcoming female artist in the hopes it will keep her current. Her quest to remain spank bank fodder for teenagers reached a new low when she mimed Miley's "I stick my tongue out because I don't care". You have Miley trying to prove she's not a child and Madonna trying to prove she still is. Just too many layers of sad. It was a good run but it might be time to move on Madonna.
BEST ADJUSTMENT FROM CHILD STAR TO ADULT - Nothing will change the fact that Daniel Radcliffe will always be Harry Potter. But old Harry doesn't seemed cursed with the desire to run from his fame. If anything he's embraced the reality that being Harry Potter has opened more doors than it will ever close. And whether it's dog walking through Central Park sucking on a heater or his underrated move Horns, Mr. Potter has earned the respect of SATM in a way Miley and J Biebs can only dream to.
BEST CELEBRITY DOUCHE BAG DAY DATE - Justin Bieber took his on again off again Selena Gomez for a couples day Segway run in some posh part of Los Angeles. And no time with your Disney channel piece is complete without one of yo' boys tagging along. Selena seems to have accepted that the rear is her proper position.
BEST SEAT FOR A PEDOPHILE - If Ariana Grande is over 18 someone needs to tell her body. Her oversexed 9 year old persona is the safe haven voyeurs of kiddie porn have been looking for. After all, staring at her cooch is technically a normal grown man reaction. The world will be none the wiser, until the check your web browser history. Take it in sicko.
BEST WEDDING PRESENT/PROOF THAT KANYE IS RETARDED - Kanye West. Rapper. Designer. Visionary. SATM Man Of The Year 2013. Great gift giver. A regular guy gets his bride a ring and says yes to every stupid idea his future wife has for their ceremony. But Kanye took it to a whole new level when he bought his bride Kim Kardashian (SATM Man Of They Year 2014) a whole bunch of Burger Franchises in Europe. Why Burger? Why Europe? Who fucking knows.
BEST NOT ASHAMED OF MY BODY BUT SHOULD BE ON A MAGAINE COVER - ESPN The Magazine has a yearly "Body" issue where for some reason they put pics of athletes in the buff on the cover and in the pages. Prince Fielder let it all hang out. Please. Never again.
BEST JENNIFER TILLY IS GOOD AT POKER - When she's not recording the voice of Bonnie Swanson for Family Guy or posting pictures of herself on one of her Instagram accounts, Jennifer Tilly brings her "talents" to the poker table. and we're all in.
BEST PAIR OF COCKSUCKER PANTS - Kanye not Kim.
BEST PICTURE OF K.D. LANG AND ANTHONY KIEDES
BEST OUTFIT FOR TAKING YOUR NEW BORN FOR A STROLL - Reaction to this picture of Kim Kardashian dressed in this ridiculous outfit caused poor Kim to pine about the complexities of being a working mother to which the world responded "When did you get a job?"
BEST PHOTOGRAPHIC ROOF THAT KENNY POWERS IS REAL
BEST USE OF A CULTURE YOU KNOW NOTHING OF - Rhianna wanted to show the world her love of Swedish 80's hair metal when she demanded her tailor get out of bed and whore up this classic band shirt. When asked what her favorite Krokus song was she replied "Which one is Krokus?"
BEST USE OF THE ELEPHANT MAN'S SKIN - Lenny Kravitz stays warm while looking good wrapping himself in the fabric of three couches. Hunger Games pays well.
BEST REMINDER THAT McCAULEY CULKIN IS STILL HERE - Big Mac took a break from "Performing" with his Velvet Underground parody band the Pizza Underground to snap this amazing picture of him wearing a shirt that has a picture of Ryan Gosling wearing a shirt with a picture of McCauley Culkin on it.
BEST MICKEY ROURKE
BEST JUSTIN BIEBER IS A LESBIAN
BEST PROOF MILEY CYRUS IS REALLY JUSTIN BIEBER
BEST 2014 WINTER OLYMPIC MOMENT
BEST USE OF OPRAH BY OPRAH - As an honor to her long, ground breaking, awrd winning and illustrious career television journalism, Barbara Walters was given the gift of Oprah taking center of a photo of female journalists honoring her. Oprah felt that Oprah was the best gift Oprah could give anyone who isn't Oprah.
BEST PROOF CELEBRITIES ARE JUST LIKE US - American treasure Reese Witherspoon showed she wasn't afraid to slum it like us small folks when she got out and pumped her own gas. Of course she had no idea how to make it pour gas out.
BEST SEARCH FOR KELLY RIPA'S TITS
From Bakko, Marty and Mirek... HAPPY NEW YEAR!!
See you in 2015