To be named SATMMOTY is an honor of the highest regard. It means you were brave enough to carve your path in spite of common sense or basic decency. It means you stood in the way of naysayers and basic logic and said “I don’t care about you or anyone else!” The SATMMOTY has put his own shit under his nose and declared it odor free. This year there were many who were considered. Kanye put in a strong performance to repeat. Charlie Sheen got wasted and hung out at a Taco Bell. Johnny Football doing coke (allegedly) in a bathroom. Gene Simmons telling depressed people to kill themselves only to have Robin Williams take his advice. And Kirk Cameron came out of nowhere to make a strong year end push with a new movie and his desire for women to cook and sing while decorating the house.
Alas as the choices were laid and sorted none of these could quite match the qualities of this years inductee.
This years inductee may have gave you a half chub while pushing stroller, released a book of self portraits, was attacked by a paparazzo while exiting a limo and may or may not have been paid $500,000 to have sex out of wedlock.
A living testament to contradiction. This years inductee is world famous yet has no fans. Claims to have a resplendent work ethic yet has no job. Can't go anywhere without being photographed yet fills time away from the camera's taking selfies. We here at Snark At The Moon ask you to honor this year’s winner, NOT by standing but by sitting. On that big fat ass of yours.
The Snark At The Moon, 2014, Man Of The Year is...
God may have punished you by making you fat post-prego but we here at SATM honor you with our highest, um, honor. You may get out to pump the gas but you clearly wear the pants in your family. You spent the last year pissing off actual working mothers everywhere by discussing how hard it is to balance time with your child and whatever it is you think you do for a living. You honor your marriage by regularly accepting six figure sums to be someone’s "date" for an evening. Your family has taken over the E! network by showing the world how void of meaning your lives are. And if it weren’t for you, no one would know who Scott Disick is. You could’ve single handedly been the lone talking point for SATM in 2014 and considering what else there was to talk about, that’s quite an achievement. While we all enjoyed your early work you had become quite tiresome. Then you rally with bare ass and boobs. So as we give you this award we also ask you to go away. At the very least stick to baring your ass or tits. Just stop talking.
We did advance an interview request to Kim’s publicist who was so anxious to pass on it she took only two minutes to say no. Hey, she could've said nothing. Below is that exchange.