2014 Snark In Review

2014 was a banner year for Snark At The Moon.  Gene Simmons got upset with us, took his ball and went home.  Our monthly blog reads doubled.  Kim Kardashian passed on an opportunity to be interviewed for our little blog.  And Justin Bieber went from egg tossing drug addict to God seeking albino falling off a skateboard. 

 

Let us honor the year that was 2014 with the first of it's kind SATM Best of 2014 year in review.

 

 

BEST MADONNA SUCKING AT THE TEET OF CURRENT RELEVANCE - Ever since Madonna made out with Christina and Britney at the VMA's, Madge has glommed on to any upcoming female artist in the hopes it will keep her current.  Her quest to remain spank bank fodder for teenagers reached a new low when she mimed Miley's "I stick my tongue out because I don't care".  You have Miley trying to prove she's not a child and Madonna trying to prove she still is.  Just too many layers of sad.  It was a good run but it might be time to move on Madonna.

BEST ADJUSTMENT FROM CHILD STAR TO ADULT - Nothing will change the fact that Daniel Radcliffe will always be Harry Potter.  But old Harry doesn't seemed cursed with the desire to run from his fame.  If anything he's embraced the reality that being Harry Potter has opened more doors than it will ever close.  And whether it's dog walking through Central Park sucking on a heater or his underrated move Horns, Mr. Potter has earned the respect of SATM in a way Miley and J Biebs can only dream to.

 

  

 

BEST CELEBRITY DOUCHE BAG DAY DATE - Justin Bieber took his on again off again Selena Gomez for a couples day Segway run in some posh part of Los Angeles.  And no time with your Disney channel piece is complete without one of yo' boys tagging along.  Selena seems to have accepted that the rear is her proper position.

 

 

 

 

 

BEST SEAT FOR A PEDOPHILE - If Ariana Grande is over 18 someone needs to tell her body.  Her oversexed 9 year old persona is the safe haven voyeurs of kiddie porn have been looking for.  After all, staring at her cooch is technically a normal grown man reaction.  The world will be none the wiser, until the check your web browser history.  Take it in sicko.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

BEST WEDDING PRESENT/PROOF THAT KANYE IS RETARDED - Kanye West.  Rapper.  Designer.  Visionary.  SATM Man Of The Year 2013.  Great gift giver.  A regular guy gets his bride a ring and says yes to every stupid idea his future wife has for their ceremony.  But Kanye took it to a whole new level when he bought his bride Kim Kardashian (SATM Man Of They Year 2014) a whole bunch of Burger Franchises in Europe.  Why Burger?  Why Europe?  Who fucking knows.

 

 

 

 

BEST NOT ASHAMED OF MY BODY BUT SHOULD BE ON A MAGAINE COVER - ESPN The Magazine has a yearly "Body" issue where for some reason they put pics of athletes in the buff on the cover and in the pages.  Prince Fielder let it all hang out.  Please.  Never again. 




  





BEST JENNIFER TILLY IS GOOD AT POKER - When she's not recording the voice of Bonnie Swanson for Family Guy or posting pictures of herself on one of her Instagram accounts, Jennifer Tilly brings her "talents" to the poker table.  and we're all in.












BEST PAIR OF COCKSUCKER PANTS - Kanye not Kim.















BEST PICTURE OF K.D. LANG AND ANTHONY KIEDES

 

BEST OUTFIT FOR TAKING YOUR NEW BORN FOR A STROLL - Reaction to this picture of Kim Kardashian dressed in this ridiculous outfit caused poor Kim to pine about the complexities of being a working mother to which the world responded "When did you get a job?" 

 

 

 

 

BEST PHOTOGRAPHIC ROOF THAT KENNY POWERS IS REAL

 

BEST USE OF A CULTURE YOU KNOW NOTHING OF - Rhianna wanted to show the world her love of Swedish 80's hair metal when she demanded her tailor get out of bed and whore up this classic band shirt.  When asked what her favorite Krokus song was she replied "Which one is Krokus?"

 

 

 

BEST USE OF THE ELEPHANT MAN'S SKIN - Lenny Kravitz stays warm while looking good wrapping himself in the fabric of three couches.  Hunger Games pays well.

BEST REMINDER THAT McCAULEY CULKIN IS STILL HERE - Big Mac took a break from "Performing" with his Velvet Underground parody band the Pizza Underground to snap this amazing picture of him wearing a shirt that has a picture of Ryan Gosling wearing a shirt with a picture of McCauley Culkin on it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

BEST MICKEY ROURKE














BEST JUSTIN BIEBER IS A LESBIAN















BEST PROOF MILEY CYRUS IS  REALLY JUSTIN BIEBER












BEST 2014 WINTER OLYMPIC MOMENT












BEST USE OF OPRAH BY OPRAH - As an honor to her long, ground breaking, awrd winning and illustrious career television journalism, Barbara Walters was given the gift of Oprah taking center of a photo of female journalists honoring her.  Oprah felt that Oprah was the best gift Oprah could give anyone who isn't Oprah.





BEST PROOF CELEBRITIES ARE JUST LIKE US - American treasure Reese Witherspoon showed she wasn't afraid to slum it like us small folks when she got out and pumped her own gas.  Of course she had no idea how to make it pour gas out.













BEST SEARCH FOR KELLY RIPA'S TITS













From Bakko, Marty and Mirek... HAPPY NEW YEAR!!


See you in 2015

HATE MAIL

Kanye Is So... Kanye. SATM Reads GQ

GQ did a cover story on SATM Man Of The Year so you know we gotta read it.  See, we actually love Kanye.  He is as entertaining as he is stupid.  This article is chock full of Kanye-ism’s. 

How can someone do a sympathetic article on someone who is so unsympathetic? (Unless you believe my Kanye is retarded theory.)  The interviewer comes across as someone who wants to be invited to Kanye’s parties.  Don’t get me wrong.  If Kanye invited SATM to one of his parties I can guarantee the entire staff, all three of us, would show up early and stay until we were kicked out.  But we’re not gonna pretend Kanye isn’t Kanye to get there.  And might I add that not one time was he asked about being named SATM MOY nor did he ever bring that up or talk about all of the support he’s given us.  Below are our snippets of Kanye Gold.  You can read the whole interview here.  Here are our highlights.

Regarding seeing the paparazzi everywhere he goes:  “I hope we don’t see no paparazzi today because I’m still getting acquainted with these jogging pants I threw on.”

On the video of him walking into a sign:  “It’s difficult.  And then put on top of that the idea of going and taking meetings with people and they say ‘We don’t want to work with you because we saw you get mad about walking into the sign’”

Regarding… fuck if I know:  “There’s no fangs.  I don’t have fangs.  I’m a porcupine.  I’m a blowfish.  Like, I’m a – what’s the fish that blows up?”  (There’s a fishdick joke in there somewhere.  Good call South park)”

Regarding a report that said one hour before his wedding he didn’t like the bar so he started sawing it in half:  “Were they involved with anything last year that was culturally significant as the Yeezus tour or that album?”

On the importance of him and Kim being celebrities:  “Yes, we are celebrities, but yes, we’re also innovators, we’re also thoughtful.”

Regarding always being on his toes:  “I’m fighting with the way I line up my words together and the way I place a sweater on top of a T-shirt.”

He says this jem of knowledge:  “God flowing through us and us being little baby creators and shit.”

He continues his assault on books:  “When a kids falls in love with a plane or a bike or a dinosaur it’s not because of the book the sibling was reading.  It’s like, fuck, you mean to tell me that dinosaur’s walked the earth and stuff like that?”

More wisdom (He seems to have a think about planes and dinosaurs):  “That’s just as cool as a fucking fighter jet or a dinosaur!”

Regarding his influence on fashion:  “I guarantee you I’m more than 50 percent responsible for every pair of shoes Balenciaga sell.”

On how it’s actually harder to be a rapper or a reality star than an actor:  “When you’re a reality star or a rapper, you are the film”

Regarding finding time to record a new album:  “Then I’m like, I have to work on Addidas and be with my child.”

And then this:  “But what makes me happy is land and we’re on a boat right now”

And this:  “I don’t like walking around with people thinking I’m doing uncool shit.”

And there’s more.  He quotes the movie Step Brothers to make some fucking point about dinosaurs.  He refers to Kim as his dinosaur.  He says we’re all mad at Kim because she basically conned boys in school to do her homework for her and she got better grades than people who actually tried.  And if that’s true than you can add that to the list of reason’s people hate her.  He predicted he’d have a daughter and he wished he would’ve made an official record of that creative genius shit (his words) he could’ve then bragged to all of us that he called that one.  50/50 odds there Kanye. 

While we may not have a raison d'être (look it up genius) without Kanye I found myself a little sad for him.  He reminds me of the kid in school who was never in on the joke.  Picking on him is starting to seem mean.  I got a feeling that deep down he’s a genuine person.  He’s just not very bright.  He confuses fashion shows with being educated.  He somehow feels he can have no cultural significance without being a designer.  He doesn’t appear to have a genuine appreciation for his wife or an understanding of parenthood.  Considering his marriage is a joke and his kid will be raised by nannies it’s probably not a real concern.  So instead of feeling sorry for Kanye I’m gonna be happy such a special man has accomplished so much.  Look at you go Kanye.  You’ve never read a book you didn’t write and you still get invited to fashion shows.     

Kim Kardashian's Mouth Wasn't Made For Talking

Some people truly don’t deserve all they have. 

 

Exhibit A:  Anyone named Kardashian.  Less of a family and more of a Reality TV Whorehouse the stupid just oozes out of them.  Recently Kim was seen pushing Baby Stupid Name around in a stroller while showing the inside half of her rack in a ridiculous tit baring ensemble that one would put on before putting a couple glow sticks and some Molly in their clutch.  Being Kim K, people noticed, took pictures and commented.  And one of those comments for some reason came from Pespi CEO Indra Nooyi‘s.  She just said you can’t have it all when you’re a mother.

 

Being a complete out of touch moron who has zero appreciation for how cake her life really is, Kim felt compelled to comment.  So this week I thought it’s be fun to break down Kim’s “comeback” to what she interpreted as criticism.

“I mean, I think

 

I know right?

 

that’s just not really like a positive outlook and for me, like my mom kind of taught us girls that we could have it all. 

 

As long as she get’s 10%

 

You know, she works hard.

 

Since when is agreeing to whore your daughter out to foreign tyrant billionaires hard work?

She taught us that if you work hard, it’s just all about prioritizing and I think that, yeah, it could get tough and after you have a baby, there are so many times when I just didn’t want to get up and work

You can’t be serious.  Work?

on something and I just wanted to be home with my baby,

You know… what’s his name.  Oh that’s right.  He’s a girl.  Anyway…

 

but, you know, for me, and I think I can speak for my sisters, it makes us feel good when we are out working and we can provide something for our friends and products that, you know, we can’t find that we really want.

Like a morning after pill that is also a handbag

And it just makes you feel productive. So if anyone really feels like they can’t do it all, I feel like it’s a little bit discouraging to say that, even if I couldn’t and it wasn’t possible, I would try. And I would, you know, try my best to do it all."

Your Nanny’s know your full term abortion better than you. 

 

Dear Kim.  You need to shut up.  Your mouth wasn’t made for talking. 

 

Sincerely, Snark At The Moon

What if... Kanye West Is Retarded?

Warning:  The following article uses the word “RETARD” for comedic purposes.  If you find that offensive, reading any further is a sign you are willing to go out of your way to be offended.  Which probably means deep down you like it.  Your loins burn for this kind of thing.  Don’t fucking email us telling us how offensive this article is.  We know and you are a dick.  

Kanye West.  The name alone brings many different images.  Asshole.  Douchebag.  Self-absorbed blowhard with a messiah complex.  While there has been plenty of discussion about his antics I wanted to take a look at why he’s this way.So this week we ponder… what if Kanye West has Down Syndrome?

It’s important to the theory that you let that sink in a bit.  While you do that I’ll explain why it’s at least a possibility.

Let’s start with who he is.  Kanye is clearly a prideful person.  He carries himself with purpose.  He loves his mother.  And he is very impressed with the things he has to say.  I could see how a guy like him would be ok fucking a girl like Kim Kardashian.  But why date her?  Why have a baby with her?  Why marry her?  Why buy her 10 Burger Kings?  It’s almost as if he doesn’t totally understand who she is.  He does know she has fucked a lot of guys right.  And that most of the country has seen her have sex.  Think of the biggest slut you know.  Now imagine how a retard would feel about her being his girlfriend.  It wouldn’t bother him a bit.  Cause he’s retarded.  He would feel no shame or loss of dignity telling everyone he loves her.  A retard wouldn’t know any better.  Search your feelings.  You know it to be true.

Have you ever noticed his arms are kinda short for his body?  Or that his head is a bit bulbous?  I don’t say this to be mean to those who suffer from Down’s Syndrome but those are common characteristics no?

He named his kid a pun and I’m pretty he still doesn’t get it.  I know every celebrity insists on giving their baby a stupid name.  While it’s self serving and kinda mean, they feel it’s unique and creative.  But when your last name is West and you name your child North.  That’s a certain level of stupid.  The kind of stupid that is inappropriate to call “stupid” if you know what I mean.

He sure seems prone to violent outbursts with minimal provocation.  Do you remember Mary’s brother Warren in the movie Something About Mary?  One minute he seems happy and content.  But you get too close to his ears and he’s a fist of rage.  Remind you of any awkwardly proportioned rappers? 

Lastly let’s look at some quotes old Yeezus has spewn over the years. 

“I hate when I’m on a flight and I wake up with a water bottle next to me like oh great now I gotta be responsible for this water bottle.”

“I don’t even listen to rap.  My apartment is too nice to listen to rap in.”

“Visiting my mind is like visiting the Hermes factory.  Shit is real.”

“Fur Pillows are actually hard to sleep on.”

“I’m not a fan of books.  I would never want a books autograph.”

Now, imagine the person saying all those things was retarded.  They don’t seem so out of place.  They kind of sound like something a retard would say. 

Occam’s Razor.  Often times the simplest explanation is the correct one.  Can you come up with a simpler explanation for why Kanye is the way he is?  Simpler than he’s retarded?  Remember when he walked on stage in the middle of Taylor Swifts acceptance speech at the MTV VMA’s?  Better yet.  Go to youtube right now and watch it.  And while you watch it, think of Kanye as a mentally disabled American.  Go ahead I’ll wait… 

I KNOW RIGHT!  

So what if he is retarded?  We should be heralding him.  We should use him as an example of how those who suffer from Down’s Syndrome can more than contribute to our world.  They can brighten it with horrible rap.  If my theory is correct he has to be the most successful retarded person since Gerald Ford. And that should be embraced and celebrated.  Not driven to violent outbursts in airports.   Cheers to you Kanye.  You big retard you.