Kanye Is So... Kanye. SATM Reads GQ

GQ did a cover story on SATM Man Of The Year so you know we gotta read it.  See, we actually love Kanye.  He is as entertaining as he is stupid.  This article is chock full of Kanye-ism’s. 

How can someone do a sympathetic article on someone who is so unsympathetic? (Unless you believe my Kanye is retarded theory.)  The interviewer comes across as someone who wants to be invited to Kanye’s parties.  Don’t get me wrong.  If Kanye invited SATM to one of his parties I can guarantee the entire staff, all three of us, would show up early and stay until we were kicked out.  But we’re not gonna pretend Kanye isn’t Kanye to get there.  And might I add that not one time was he asked about being named SATM MOY nor did he ever bring that up or talk about all of the support he’s given us.  Below are our snippets of Kanye Gold.  You can read the whole interview here.  Here are our highlights.

Regarding seeing the paparazzi everywhere he goes:  “I hope we don’t see no paparazzi today because I’m still getting acquainted with these jogging pants I threw on.”

On the video of him walking into a sign:  “It’s difficult.  And then put on top of that the idea of going and taking meetings with people and they say ‘We don’t want to work with you because we saw you get mad about walking into the sign’”

Regarding… fuck if I know:  “There’s no fangs.  I don’t have fangs.  I’m a porcupine.  I’m a blowfish.  Like, I’m a – what’s the fish that blows up?”  (There’s a fishdick joke in there somewhere.  Good call South park)”

Regarding a report that said one hour before his wedding he didn’t like the bar so he started sawing it in half:  “Were they involved with anything last year that was culturally significant as the Yeezus tour or that album?”

On the importance of him and Kim being celebrities:  “Yes, we are celebrities, but yes, we’re also innovators, we’re also thoughtful.”

Regarding always being on his toes:  “I’m fighting with the way I line up my words together and the way I place a sweater on top of a T-shirt.”

He says this jem of knowledge:  “God flowing through us and us being little baby creators and shit.”

He continues his assault on books:  “When a kids falls in love with a plane or a bike or a dinosaur it’s not because of the book the sibling was reading.  It’s like, fuck, you mean to tell me that dinosaur’s walked the earth and stuff like that?”

More wisdom (He seems to have a think about planes and dinosaurs):  “That’s just as cool as a fucking fighter jet or a dinosaur!”

Regarding his influence on fashion:  “I guarantee you I’m more than 50 percent responsible for every pair of shoes Balenciaga sell.”

On how it’s actually harder to be a rapper or a reality star than an actor:  “When you’re a reality star or a rapper, you are the film”

Regarding finding time to record a new album:  “Then I’m like, I have to work on Addidas and be with my child.”

And then this:  “But what makes me happy is land and we’re on a boat right now”

And this:  “I don’t like walking around with people thinking I’m doing uncool shit.”

And there’s more.  He quotes the movie Step Brothers to make some fucking point about dinosaurs.  He refers to Kim as his dinosaur.  He says we’re all mad at Kim because she basically conned boys in school to do her homework for her and she got better grades than people who actually tried.  And if that’s true than you can add that to the list of reason’s people hate her.  He predicted he’d have a daughter and he wished he would’ve made an official record of that creative genius shit (his words) he could’ve then bragged to all of us that he called that one.  50/50 odds there Kanye. 

While we may not have a raison d'être (look it up genius) without Kanye I found myself a little sad for him.  He reminds me of the kid in school who was never in on the joke.  Picking on him is starting to seem mean.  I got a feeling that deep down he’s a genuine person.  He’s just not very bright.  He confuses fashion shows with being educated.  He somehow feels he can have no cultural significance without being a designer.  He doesn’t appear to have a genuine appreciation for his wife or an understanding of parenthood.  Considering his marriage is a joke and his kid will be raised by nannies it’s probably not a real concern.  So instead of feeling sorry for Kanye I’m gonna be happy such a special man has accomplished so much.  Look at you go Kanye.  You’ve never read a book you didn’t write and you still get invited to fashion shows.     

What if... Kanye West Is Retarded?

Warning:  The following article uses the word “RETARD” for comedic purposes.  If you find that offensive, reading any further is a sign you are willing to go out of your way to be offended.  Which probably means deep down you like it.  Your loins burn for this kind of thing.  Don’t fucking email us telling us how offensive this article is.  We know and you are a dick.  

Kanye West.  The name alone brings many different images.  Asshole.  Douchebag.  Self-absorbed blowhard with a messiah complex.  While there has been plenty of discussion about his antics I wanted to take a look at why he’s this way.So this week we ponder… what if Kanye West has Down Syndrome?

It’s important to the theory that you let that sink in a bit.  While you do that I’ll explain why it’s at least a possibility.

Let’s start with who he is.  Kanye is clearly a prideful person.  He carries himself with purpose.  He loves his mother.  And he is very impressed with the things he has to say.  I could see how a guy like him would be ok fucking a girl like Kim Kardashian.  But why date her?  Why have a baby with her?  Why marry her?  Why buy her 10 Burger Kings?  It’s almost as if he doesn’t totally understand who she is.  He does know she has fucked a lot of guys right.  And that most of the country has seen her have sex.  Think of the biggest slut you know.  Now imagine how a retard would feel about her being his girlfriend.  It wouldn’t bother him a bit.  Cause he’s retarded.  He would feel no shame or loss of dignity telling everyone he loves her.  A retard wouldn’t know any better.  Search your feelings.  You know it to be true.

Have you ever noticed his arms are kinda short for his body?  Or that his head is a bit bulbous?  I don’t say this to be mean to those who suffer from Down’s Syndrome but those are common characteristics no?

He named his kid a pun and I’m pretty he still doesn’t get it.  I know every celebrity insists on giving their baby a stupid name.  While it’s self serving and kinda mean, they feel it’s unique and creative.  But when your last name is West and you name your child North.  That’s a certain level of stupid.  The kind of stupid that is inappropriate to call “stupid” if you know what I mean.

He sure seems prone to violent outbursts with minimal provocation.  Do you remember Mary’s brother Warren in the movie Something About Mary?  One minute he seems happy and content.  But you get too close to his ears and he’s a fist of rage.  Remind you of any awkwardly proportioned rappers? 

Lastly let’s look at some quotes old Yeezus has spewn over the years. 

“I hate when I’m on a flight and I wake up with a water bottle next to me like oh great now I gotta be responsible for this water bottle.”

“I don’t even listen to rap.  My apartment is too nice to listen to rap in.”

“Visiting my mind is like visiting the Hermes factory.  Shit is real.”

“Fur Pillows are actually hard to sleep on.”

“I’m not a fan of books.  I would never want a books autograph.”

Now, imagine the person saying all those things was retarded.  They don’t seem so out of place.  They kind of sound like something a retard would say. 

Occam’s Razor.  Often times the simplest explanation is the correct one.  Can you come up with a simpler explanation for why Kanye is the way he is?  Simpler than he’s retarded?  Remember when he walked on stage in the middle of Taylor Swifts acceptance speech at the MTV VMA’s?  Better yet.  Go to youtube right now and watch it.  And while you watch it, think of Kanye as a mentally disabled American.  Go ahead I’ll wait… 

I KNOW RIGHT!  

So what if he is retarded?  We should be heralding him.  We should use him as an example of how those who suffer from Down’s Syndrome can more than contribute to our world.  They can brighten it with horrible rap.  If my theory is correct he has to be the most successful retarded person since Gerald Ford. And that should be embraced and celebrated.  Not driven to violent outbursts in airports.   Cheers to you Kanye.  You big retard you.