Go Home Miley. You're Not Drunk Enough

Margaret Thatcher once said “Being a musician is like being a lady.  If you have to tell people you are, you’re not.”  At least I think that’s how it went.  The point is, if Miley Cyrus didn’t tell people she was a musician or a lady, most people would never know either.  When she tries to act edgy and shock us all she ends up looking like a 4 year old mimicking a Madonna video.  That said I must admit a bit of shame in just writing about her.  I am now part of the machine feeding a horrible person’s self worth.  Fuck it.  It’s not my fault she sucks. 

 

And suck she does.  And not the good kind (allegedly).  Is there anything she claims to be that is worth our time or money?  Should anyone who didn’t have a 10 year old daughter 6 years ago know who she is?  Time to dissect. 

 

Music.  If she’s a musician then Mr. Rogers is a journalist.  I’m ok with her, or anyone else for that matter, writing cheesy garbage meant to entertain pre-teen girls.  But when you make your deal with the devil you should be stuck with the consequences.  Miley should be singing about doll houses and fairies.  Not sticking her ass and tongue out simultaneously as Robin Thicke rubs his Ken Doll in her crack.  The line between cutting edge and Tijuana Donkey Show is NOT a fine one.  Some people say pop music was always this way.  Those people are stupid.  Pop music didn’t start with Destiny’s Child.  Elvis was Pop.  The Beatles, Fleetwood Mack, the Eagles, Billy Joel, Elton John, Billy Idol, David Bowie, Madonna, Cindy Lauper, Bruce Springsteen, Lionel Richie, Reo Speedwagon, Journey, Styx, Queen and Prince to name a few, have all been Pop Stars in their own right.  Say what you want about em'.  Everyone of them knew how to write a song and could play multiple instruments.  We don’t even know if Miley can sing.  It really wasn’t until the mid 90’s when not using any instruments on a song became common place.  Much less auto-tune. 

 

And there used to be an unwritten rule about Disney channel type stars.  They never had grown up careers.  Now we got Christina, Britney, Timberlake and to a lesser extent the fucking Jonas Brothers being treated as credible artists.  Sorry folks but the world was a better place when David Cassidy was forced to fade away into adulthood.  Miley should be made to as well.

 

But no.  She’s popping up naked everywhere.  Crying on stage because the stupid ass lyrics of her song, written by someone else, remind her that her boyfriend dumped her a couple of days earlier.  Put on a shirt and get off stage for fucks sake.  Who the hell thinks she’s sexy anyway?  Catholic priests?.  Her mannish looks crossed with female DNA only mean she’s gonna look like a pre-pube boy for another decade or so.  I mean.  C'mon.  There really is something unnerving about her when she’s naked.  It's like seeing your brother naked.  And for a woman, that’s not a good thing.  Instead of shaving her head and swinging around naked on a giant steel ball, she needs to be getting a boob and ass job.  STAT!           

 

Elton John (Sir Elton to you commoners) recently proclaimed her an official train wreck.  He had seen this same behavior in Lindsay Lohan before her.  C'mon Elton.  Even that she can't pull off proper.  The suggestion that she’s following in steps of all time greats like Lilo, Charlie Sheen or even minor leaguers like Paris Hilton is laughable.  Sticking your tongue out while twerking all over Beetlejuice is childs play.  Complete with giant teddy bears.  Gary Busey can’t wake up without creating better headlines than that.  Wanna know how a child star is supposed to wreck?  See Corey Haim.  Or Feldman.  Or Todd Bridges.  Or Leif Garrett.  That’s right.  Leif fucking Garrett.  Look him up. While Miley gains headlines for poorly mimicking Gene Simmons, he’s paralyzing his best friend in a drunken car accident.  That’s how it’s done Miley.  (Actually it’s a horrible story and in no way should you feel encouraged to follow that path).   

 

I know it’s not all her fault.  Her dad’s Billy Ray Cyrus after all.  That can’t be easy.  Being raised by a punch line.  Gotta be rough.  For that I have empathy.  But if you want that sexy edge that Christina was able to pull off, you gotta be hotter.  Dressing skimpy and  acting like  a slut only works if you look like someone men want to fuck.  The same people engaging in self pleasure to Miley’s VMA performance are the ones who violated many a Hannah Montana doll and are far too old to be single and watch the Disney Channel.  In a recent poll* 90% of men who found Miley sexy have also considered becoming a priest.  The other 10% drive ice cream trucks.

 

Bottom line, go home Miley.  You’re not drunk enough, hot enough or talented enough. 

*No poll was actually conducted.  This statistic was invented for comedic purposes.

God of Thunder Thighs

“Even the best chicks can only last a couple of hours.”

I was years away from my first sexual experience when I first read that quote from David Lee Roth.  Yet despite my inability to truly comprehend what he was saying, something about that comment resonated with me.  That comment and the ability to come up with it seemed to embody everything I wanted to be.  In my pre-pubescent brain, it was quite possibly the coolest thing to say.  It oozed with confidence and dripped a sexual overtone that came with being a rock God.  That was before he became a caricature or a punch line to some lame 80’s rock joke.  No sir.  This was Diamond Dave in all his high kicking, spandex sporting Rock God glory.  And everything I wanted to be. 

As much as I found myself in awe of the bands I saw in Hit Parader and MTV, I was never star struck.  What I felt was more like desperate separation.  Like “If these guys only knew me, we’d be best friends.  I’d be the one dorky teenager they’d want to hang out with.”  I longed to be part of something out of my reach and I was frustrated.  I saw my surroundings as something I couldn’t put behind me quick enough.  I was a boy out of place.  An rock n roll astronaut stuck on earth.  A devil in the church.  I looked at rocker’s like Diamond Dave and dreamed of what it would be like to be them.      

But that’s just it isn’t it?  When you’re 15, rock stars seem ageless.  Old enough to do all the cool shit but not old like your stupid parents.  Parents are lame.  They eat three meals a day and go to church every Sunday.  Fuck that.  Do you think David Lee Roth is worried about the 4 food groups?  There’s no way Gene Simmons has ever gone to church.  He was born evil.  Right?  Or so I thought anyway.

I'll clean your chimney after this song

Ah but 25 years later things have changed.  Gene Simmons is just an old Jewish man who’s gotten a bit fat. And Diamond Dave?  More like Dingbat Dave.  He’s just an old man.  He isn’t even kind of cool.  He’s a hokey vaudevillian type.  A Vegas act and a cheap one.  In fact both Gene and Dave have taken their talents to Vegas.  Turns out, they were never as cool as I once thought they were.  In reality nobody is.  Cool is façade.  Cool is an illusion.  An outfit.  Shoes and makeup.  Lighting and cheap fabric.  Behind those serious faces of musicians who glamorized binge drinking and groupie sex were guys running on treadmills and avoiding alcohol to preserve their voices while making sure their tour riders included plenty of fresh fruit.  Lyrical reference’s to drugs and neck tattoo’s portray an image that often masks reality.  (Insert Buckcherry reference here) 

Ok so not all of them were healthy eating monogamous phonies but plenty of them are.  And I find it interesting the way our rockers age.   You can tell how successful a musician was and how relevant they still are by the way they look.  If you ran into Chuck Billy and James Hetfield at a San Francisco bar in 1988, you wouldn’t see the stark difference in appearance you do now.  Chuck Billy looks like he ate himself while Mr. Hetfield has on a pair of jeans and a t shirt that combined probably cost more than Chuck’s monthly rent on his apartment. 

Chuck Billy. Living the Dream

By 1992 Metallica were beginning their run as the biggest rock band on the planet while Testament was already into the downside of their career cycle.  20 years later they are both still going.  Only one of them strong.  When Metallica fly’s their private plane to their next show, I don’t think the in flight meal is Big Mac’s and Dilly bars.  And when Testament is playing some 400 seat club in New Mexico, I doubt their rider has top end, low fat catering.  More like 6 tombstones and a case of diet coke.  Look at current pictures of U2, Metallica, and and compare them to current pictures of bands like Testament and Exodus.  You can tell who’s staying in the better hotel’s. 

Alas we all age.  Some better than others.  But Rock Gods are supposed to stay golden.  Finding out they don’t is like discovering the whole Santa Claus cover up.      

God Of Thunder Thighs

The silver lining of course is that when it mattered to me, the illusion worked.  When I was popping pimples and jerking off 7 times a day, it all seemed so real.  So awesome.  So cool.  Right around the time I realized most of the musicians I inspired to be were either horribly boring or just horrible people, I no longer cared.  And for some reason, I didn’t feel betrayed.  I look back with fondness at the way dreaming of Rock Stardom made me feel.  And while it can never be the same I miss it.  There is a small window of time where horror movies are something you can watch and find scary.  And if you never watch horror movies during that time you will never know that feeling.  That same sentiment is why I don’t feel like I was lied to.  The feeling I had was real.  And that is what really matters.

KISS Fans Unite! It's Gonna Be Alright.

Members Past and Present

It’s hard to find a band more polarizing than KISS.  While there have been other bands who’ve had a similar affect on people, I don’t there’s ever been a band that for so long in such a large scope has been able to make people on both sides blind to whats right in front of them.  One would think that even if you hate KISS you can still acknowledge that they deserve induction to the Rock n Roll Hall Of Fame.  And one would think that even though you have been a lifelong fan of the band, you still think it’s wrong that the band is comprised of two people pretending to be Ace and Peter.  KISS has a way of backing you into a corner and compromising your ability to think rationally.  And that’s what we’re talking about. 

Anyone who has grown up a KISS fan knows that being a fan means being a target.  I get how someone in their teens may feel required to become defensive about something they feel is theirs.  But this ain’t 1982.  Now days we’re talking about someone in their mid 40’s who never got over the wedgie’s they were given in high school.  While forgiving a bully and thinking Tommy Thayer is good in KISS may not be the same thing, the reluctance to have an honest view of KISS is largely ingrained from all the crap you took for liking them in the first place.  We could talk about things like the KISS Coffin or the recent Hello Kitty line of KISS related crap that should get even the biggest fan scratching his head, but I think we need to start with the biggest offense to their fans KISS is guilty of. 

Having two imposters pretend to be Ace and Peter. 

Fake Peter and Fake Ace

Saying it any other way is just spin.  And believing that spin is a choice.  The reasons Gene and Paul don’t want to play with Ace and Peter are readily available for those who care.  And when you read between the lines of the comments made by all four of them on the topic, they are probably valid reasons.  But just because they don’t play nice together doesn’t mean you automatically accept them moving on with two guys dressed as Ace and Peter.  And thus a schism rocks the KISS Army.  An Army all too willing to take a side.  Gene and Paul or Ace and Peter?  Who do you choose.

That's where the blame shifts from the band to the fans.  Why do you feel the need to choose?  An objective person would see flaws in all of these guys.  Gene signs more autographs and takes more pictures with the fans than Ace, but Ace never had a reality show where his kids made fun of KISS fans.  Ace never wanted to replace every member of KISS with 4 winners of a game show.  Paul has gone to greater lengths to keep himself in proper condition to perform than Peter.  But Peter didn’t write Let’s Put The X In Sex or re-record Beth with Eric Carr singing it.  I understand why the people who love KISS hold on so tight.  There’s a pretty good chance it’s been in their life longer than anything else.  When we’re having a bad day, week or month.  When we felt like celebrating or needed some cheering up.  KISS was there.  But much like a parent to a child, at a certain point we need to take control of our life.  Lift up that chin little buddy.  It’s gonna be alright. 

I’ve long noticed a difference between KISS fans who are musicians and KISS fans who are not.  The musicians tend to have no interest in the bands current music.  When they buy a KISS Doll or Pez dispenser they can’t wait to rip it out of its package and play with it.  When they speak about KISS they have a passion for the music, the aura and the show.  The non musician tends to be more about the collecting.  They only wear shirts they have two of.  Same with any merch.  They only open duplicates.  Probably not even then.  And they tend to want something you don’t have.  Whether it be knowledge or a collectible.  They want to tell you about meeting Gene after they met him.  Not before.  And not to share an experience.  For whatever reason it is important to them that others know they did or got something you didn’t.  I have a friend who still lives with his mom and every Christmas can’t wait to brag about all the KISS stuff his mommy got him this year.  He’s 42. 

The line is pretty clear with these two specific groups.  The musician doesn’t like Gene and Paul flaunting such blatant disrespect for Peter and Ace while the non musicians largely have no sympathy for Ace and Pete.  Placing the blame solely on them.

I do have an opinion on this matter and if you’ve paid attention its probably pretty clear.  But before I conclude with that I think it’s important we ask why.   Why did Gene and Paul choose to dress two guys up as Ace and Peter?  Make no mistake.  It was a choice.  But was it the right one?  Was it a decision with you, the fan in mind, or were they just thinking about your wallet?  Let’s ask a few key questions. 

The Real Ace and Peter

Who is going to be easier to work with in the role of “Hired musician”?  Ace and Peter or Tommy and Eric.  In other words two guys who were there in the beginning and played a key role in defining the band’s sound and identity while also garnering themselves their own fan base. Or, two guys who would otherwise be looking for jobs that paid far less?  Good luck spinning that one.  Once the reunion was announced and the contracts were signed, Gene and Paul had to pretend that they gave a shit about Peter and Ace.  They insisted that they were all hi fiving each other in the studio when recording Psycho Circus when in reality Peter and Ace aren’t really on the record.  Every press event they talked about how unified they were but as time went on you found fewer and fewer of those quotes coming from Peter or Ace.  Gene and Paul were entitled to retain ownership of the band.  Treating Ace and Peter like shit was just for enjoyment.   

Is this what the fans want?  Be honest.  If Paul Stanley called you in 2003 and asked you if they should put Eric Singer in Peter Criss’ makeup what would you say?  Eric and Tommy (Fake Peter and Fake Ace) serve Gene and Paul’s bottom line.  Peter may not have been at the top of his game and Ace may have been a bit unreliable but it was also becoming more and more difficult to convince them to go with the flow and take smaller salaries.  The same reason they don’t want to create new characters for Eric and Tommy is the same reason they shouldn’t have continued.  At this point in the game people aren’t interested in new anything from KISS.  And it’s not what the fans really want.

Gene and Paul continue to claim the band never sounded better.  Is that really true?  Make no mistake.  Gene and Paul have earned the right to do what they want at this point in their lives.  And this lineup probably makes fewer mistakes but it’s also super boring.   Going to a KISS concert used to be a big party.  Now it’s more like going to a combination of a KISS convention and an AA meeting.  If you went to any of the shows on the Crazy Nights tour you know what I’m talking about.  Uninspired bore fest.  But at least Bruce Kulick wasn’t boring you while pretending to be Ace.  Some may say this lineup is better but in reality it’s just slower.

A More Creative Idea for the Monster Cover

Haven’t KISS given us enough?  Did we really need Monster or Sonic Boom?  Look at it from this angle.  Remember the first time you heard KISS ALIVE?  How many times did you listen to that record over the next 15 years?  Is there any chance of those two records combined even approaching that number in the next 15 years?  While you may like it did you really need it?  Did you go see Paul on his solo tour?  Assuming you’ve already seen 10 or more KISS concerts in your life, wouldn’t you prefer to see another Paul tour.  How about Gene finally doing one?  Tickets cost less to see them in a smaller venue where you can actually see everything and the set list isn’t going to be the same old shit.  At this point wouldn’t you prefer to pay $35 to see Gene from 30 feet away sing Mr. Make Believe than pay $70 to see him from the upper deck sing Rock N Roll All Nite?  Stop clinging on to something that has given you more than any band has ever given.  At the very least insist on them removing the makeup or giving Eric and Tommy their own.  Doing so doesn’t demean how much you love the band.  If anything not doing so does.              

If it’s about no longer being up for the gig (Peter) or the ability to stay sober (Ace) then find a way to do it without being such dicks to them.  Their fans are your fans too.  You won.  You got what you wanted and Ace and Peter will probably go broke again while you continue to profit from something they helped build.  The least you could do is not spit on them.  You didn’t win the lottery without them.  

As fans, we should feel no obligation to support every decision Paul and Gene make.  We’re all human.  Peter and Ace dug their own grave and Gene and Paul made sure they had a shovel and a map to the graveyard.  All I mean by that is none of them are victims.  They need to drop the resentment.  At least publicly.  And fans.  It’s ok to be honest with yourself.  It’s ok to let go a little.  As someone who’s done it I can promise you it’ll be alright.  You don’t have to sell your collection because you think it was wrong for Gene to break his promise to Peter that they would never play Beth again.  You won’t be required to get that tattoo removed because you think it’s wrong for Tommy and Eric to dress and Ace and Peter.  You CAN still be a fan and embrace free will.  Take it from someone who's done it.  It's gonna be alright. 

General Rules of Behaviour For Sports

Are you ready for some football?  Maybe.

Professional sport in this country has become a monument to the term bloated.  It seems to encompass everything about us.  Even people who hate sports (nerds) are forced to deal with its reality.  We use the existence of teams in our cities as proof of a certain quality of life.  The uniforms of these teams have become fashion statements  as well as billboards for our fan allegiance.  Spend any amount of time in a tourist location like Las Vegas and you’ll see examples everywhere.  And any square inch of printable ad space has the grinning face of a pro athlete of some level on it.  

So while I do enjoy sports and I feel it can be a good way for a community to come together, I think things have gotten a little out of hand and it is time we assess the situation and establish some ground rules for all things sporting.   So am I ready for some football?  Yes.  But only under the following conditions.

No man over the age of 30 should ever wear a team’s jersey anywhere other than an actual game.  By the time you turn 30 this should already be clear to you.  But since there are grown men who don’t see how stupid they look in their Randy Moss jersey from 98’ when they go to the grocery store, we need this rule.  Girls look hot in jersey’s so they can wear them whenever they want.

Are you in the right stadium bro?

Whether you are going to the game or just getting together with some friends to watch a game, you can only wear clothing that represents one of the two teams playing.  Just because have no rooting interest in a Vikings/Lions matchup, doesn’t me you have an excuse to bust out your Clay Matthews jersey.  And nobody looks dumber than the guy in the stands of a Chiefs/Broncos game wearing his Seahawks jersey.  If you are going to take a ticket from someone who actually is a fan of one of the teams you are watching, at least have the decency to respect it.  Just put on a t shirt and jeans.

No single beer should cost more than $5.  If you can’t make a profit selling beer for $5 each then you have a flawed business model.

Everything needs to be cheaper.  Attendance in all sports is sliding down.  There are all sorts of stories the ask the question why.  Is it because we like our HD TV’s and the internet to follow our fantasy teams?  Maybe for some.  But it may also be that $50 to park at Soldier Field is a bit prohibitive.  If someone making 40k can’t afford season tickets, then you are charging too much.  If a family of four can’t attend a game for under $150, you charge too much.  You have held these people hostage.  Used their fear of losing their team to another city to leverage them for tax money.  All to make you richer.  At least give them an affordable ticket.  To not do so is a slap in the face.  And PSL’s need to be banned.

No more naming rights.  Remember when the 49er’s played in monster.com stadium?  How about the University Of Phoenix Stadium in Glendale AZ.  It just sounds fucking stupid.  If we’re gonna keep em’ then I insist the Lambeau Field be renamed Depends Adult Diaper Field.  

Packer fans are only allowed to talk about the Packers when its topical.  These losers live their entire life as if we all only care about football.  They’ll come up to you at a 4^th of July Picnic wearing their Arron Rodgers jersey and drop some sweet smack talk like, “How many Super Bowls have you won?” into your conversation about grilling.  Officially licensed NFL Packer gear is to them what a suit and tie is to normal people.  They go out for dinner, attend funerals and weddings wearing them.  The only thing they are capable of talking about is the Packers and its players.  Or how they are part owner in one of the most profitable businesses on the planet yet reap no profits.  Save the smack talk for, you know, an actual game.  Tossing the Frisbee while having a couple of beers doesn’t count.  And in the middle of summer, I’m not too bothered that the Green Bay Packers, not you, beat my favorite team six months ago.

No more complaining about in game commentators.  They have a boring job and complaining about them is like complaining about traffic.  It’s all been said before.  If it’s that bad turn the sound off.  Except Joe Buck.  Fuck Joe Buck.

Lighten up the restriction when it comes to using the terms “Super” and “Bowl” side by side.  Is there really any reason my local grocery store has to advertise big savings on chicken wings for the “Big Game” because they  haven’t paid your multi-billion dollar corporation for the privilege of using two words from the dictionary side by side?  This just seems petty.  And no Official (insert any non football related product here) of the Minnesota Vikings.  Is there actually such a thing as the official candy bar of the NFL?  Or the official car dealer of the Super, e-hem, Bowl?  This all seems stupid and greedy.  You won’t even allow water on the sidelines unless it’s drank out of a Gatorade cup.  That is just stupid.

And lastly.  No more televised Super Bowl halftime performances.  No matter who you get, most people will hate it.  Because it’s hyped to be such a big deal it only encourages lip syncing which kind of goes against the point of making it such a big deal.  Just show high lights.  Have the 43 people covering the game for whatever network is showing it talk about what each team needs to do in the second half.  Or how about this?  Show more commercials.  People will enjoy it more and you’ll not only save the 7 figure salary you were gonna give Katy Perry but you’ll make a ton of bank on the air time.

Oh and go (Insert favorite team name here)!