Dammit KISS! You Owe Me!

I had planned on writing a blog detailing the many reasons KISS deserves the HOF induction.  But with the news of Gene and Paul being unwilling to play a few songs with Ace and Peter I just don’t feel like it.  First we find out Gene and Paul only want to play with the current band.  Then once word got out they decided not to play at all.  Bunch of fucking babies.  As a fan since 1977 I have become accustomed to the powers that be KISS kicking me in the nuts from time to time but something about this latest act is different.  It has weakened my passion for the band in a way that has never happened before. For the first time in my life I feel KISS has actually taken something that was mine. 

My allegiance and wallet have been taken for granted before.  From the overpriced KISStory 2 to Gene’s big mouth and stupid reality show.  And we all remember the treat to turn KISS into a contest that would replace every member of the band via that ridiculous Rock Star show.  But this, this is personal.  When you dressed up Tommy and Eric as Ace and Peter I didn't like it.  But I let go.  I figured it was your prerogative.  When you made me go to Wal Mart to buy that horrible album Sonic Boom.  I set aside my civic sensibility and went to Wal Mart.  When you followed it up with the equally as bad Monster I still bought it.  I figure I kind of have to at this point.  I have taken abuse from classmates, families, churches, teachers, musicians and gas station attendants just because I like your music.  I have stood by and watched Bruce Kulick, a guy with some ability, not even try to play a single Ace Frehley solo right.  All while looking like a six foot poodle.  I have given you all of this and never once asked for anything.  Looks like its time I did. I need you to do something for me.

Gene and Paul.  Tonight when you go home I want you to look around at all you have.  I want to look at your children and think how they and probably their kids will never have to actually work a day in their life. They’ll get to pursue their passions in a way you never could.  I want you think about how much that couch they probably live on costs. I want you think about how much of your money wife spent today. And then realize that it’s me, not you, who pays for those $700 jeans your child is wearing.  Don’t get me wrong. You worked for it.  You need not apologize for the wealth you’ve amassed.  You do need to appreciate it and where it came from.  Me.  And you can show your appreciation by setting aside your petty gripes with Ace and Peter for one night and play a couple of fucking songs together.  For the love of all things holy.  You won.  When will it be enough?  When you eat Ace and Pete’s first born?  You may have many reasons for not doing it but I have one reason for doing it that trumps them all.  Me.  The fan.  Do it for me. 

Ace and Peter.  You do realize this is partially your fault?  Now I know that it would stand to reason that an event like this, maybe the powers that be could set aside the hatred for a night and just celebrate what they accomplished with you. But you have put yourself in a position that an argument can be made to exclude you from a legacy that is truly yours.  I said it before.  Ace and Peter may have dug their own graves.  But Gene and Paul gave them the shovels and a map to the cemetery. 

And you Rock n Roll HOF.  You didn't think you were getting out of this did you?  You, more than any made this mess possible.  Had you done the right thing and put KISS in when they were first eligible in 1999 none of this would be happening.  All four of the original members were in the band at that time. None of this abuse of the fans would be going on right now.  You self righteously kept one of the two most influential rock bands in American history out of the HOF while making room for rap acts and country artists. Shame on you.  Something tells me your petty asses are enjoying this. Something tells me you wouldn't have it any other way.  You are a joke and always will be. 

It is now that I will remind you all that I am the self appointed Commissioner of Rock.  And as such I am entitled to make a ruling.  And it is as such.

1 – The Rock and Roll HOF will issue an apology to fans of music everywhere for being such dicks.  They will in detail list the merits of KISS’ induction to such a degree that they will be forced to admit they kept them out on purpose because they are said dicks.  They will commit to change and future voting will be made public.

2 – Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley will agree to play no more than three songs of my choosing at the induction ceremony.  They will play with Ace and Peter and whoever else they feel should share the stage with them.  No one will wear makeup.  They will then apologize to all of their fans for taking them for granted.  Then they will thank us for the nice house and buying their kids sweet clothes.

3 – Ace and Peter will graciously accept the invite to jam some tunes with whatever KISS alumnus Gene and Paul choose.  They too will apologize to the fans.  Because lets face it, they've been dropping deuce’s on us far longer than Gene and Paul.  It’s time everyone involved acknowledge the only victims here are the fans. 

All kidding aside, there are bands getting inducted the same night as you that don’t have the luxury of refusing to play the original lineup because some of it is dead.  Your all still alive.  It’s time to back up your words with action. Don’t do it because Ace and Peter want to.  Do it because I want you to.

(Disclaimer:  The use of the term “I” and "me" throughout was largely a metaphor for all KISS fans.  “I” didn’t personally buy Nick Simmons a pair of designer jeans.  I went in on a pair with a few million other people)

Nostalgia is like a dirty diaper.

The dream, the glory the loudness, make up, fire, some mediocre songs and TWO dudes w/ more facelifts than Carrottop. KISS and the drama of their induction to the Hall of Fame has become the sh*t show of the Rock industry and that's not saying a lot being it's the Rock industry. We all understand, they were a band, put on make up, wrote songs, sold dolls, blew fire, banged b*tches, took make up off but this should have gone away after 5 yrs at most. Now we approach the time of longevity and the inductions into the Hall. So you put in the time, changed out band members like tampons, and now it's the Gene and Paul show and who the like. My opinion is that they should've tried having a baby together. At the end of the day all I see is grown a$$ men arguing over whether they should "play" w/ each other then there's the question of make up or no make up. A little squirrely. The Gene and Paul self jerk. Go away Kiss, no one cares except for your fans whom you've duped for years on end. I don't think it has been about music for many years, no one wants your doll, or your clubs or your fata$$ in spandex. I hope to see these two f*cks box each other @ some point~MA

Can We Stop Calling It Bullying?

Bullying is back in the news as the NFL's independent report looking into the allegations of bullying involving members of the Miami Dolphins was submitted. In one corner you have the roid raging psychopath and alleged bully Richie Incognito and in the other you have the manifestation of Ferdinand the Bull in Jonathan Martin. I read through the juicy parts of the report and there's plenty of inappropriate behavior, before and after reading it I found myself thinking the same thing. How is this bullying?

When the tragedy at Columbine took place in 1999 there was almost no discussion about how the perpetrators Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold had been treated by classmates.  It actually felt like doing so was taboo.  Like trying to understand how these two could have been driven to such drastic measures would somehow justify their actions.  But as gun violence in schools became more common the call to stop bullying rose.  And like any problem being addressed by people with no real empathy or understanding on the matter, it has been horribly botched.  To the point where 300 pound, millionaire grown men can now claim to be the victim of a bully.  

When looked at honestly, bullying isn't just a problem because one jack ass has to be a dick.  It's a problem because those in authority have allowed it to exist.  They have done so by refusing to separate the bully from the victim. They have done so by making them equals.  How do you think the uncool kid who has been tormented for years just because of who he is feels when a teacher actually catches the bully in the act and merely says "You two.  Knock it off."?  You two?  The teachers and principals in schools lack any empathy for the victim.  They always have.  They are typically outsiders.  Either socially awkward nerds or greasy losers more obsessed with music and not bathing than they are with school. Teachers have largely ignored them as a problem that goes away with time. They feel no connection when they are tormented year after year for no reason.  And now we are asking them to solve the problem.  

So we have an anti bullying campaign that really just lumps any conflict into one category and in the process we have watered down what we actually consider bullying. Make no mistake.  Everyone attending school should feel comfortable walking down the hall between classes.  They should be able to focus on school.  But they don't have to get along with everyone and everyone doesn't have to be friends.  I think it's far more clear when someone is being bullied in school than those in charge will admit.  A blanket policy may be easier but its also ineffective.  Ask anyone who's actually been bullied and they will tell you.  There is no way Jonathan Martin has ever been a victim of bullying.  

He was a star athlete from an affluent family well before college. He attended the elite school Stanford where he starred on the football team before being drafted into the NFL.  He has been a popular athlete who has never had to want for a thing financially his entire life.  He is 6'5" tall and weighs over 300 lbs.  He may not have the mental capacity to endure the dynamic of an NFL locker room.  He may have even been the victim of workplace harassment.  But he has no idea what it feels like to be bullied. And apparently neither does anyone who's covering it.  If they did they wouldn't be tossing the term bully around.  This whole event has shown one thing.  We have a long way to go in getting rid of bullies.

For the record.  The only way to stop a bully is to send a message to him/her that is singular and strong enough to make them never want to do it again.              

Super Bowl For Us All - A Guide For The Rest Of Us To Choose A Rooting Interest

Like it or not the Super Bowl is a big deal and odds are tomorrow night you're going to find yourself in front of a TV watching.  And for those of us who actually follow an NFL team we more than likely will not be watching our team.  If you're not one of the dipshits that loves to regurgitate "I just watch for the copmmercials" every year, I am offering you a guide to pick who to root for.  In typical Snark fashion I will not be giving you reason to root for one team, but rather reasons not to root for either team.  Hope this helps.

Denver Bronco's.  

Look.  Peyton Manning is a freak of nature.  We get it.  But that doesn't mean everyone outside of Denver can't be sick of it and his stupid ass Papa Johns commercials.  It's like renting a Super Bowl trophy.  And are their worse human beings on the planet that the Gay bashing citizens of Colorado?  Could they be more white?  I'm pretty sure every non-white person in the Denver area plays for the Bronco's or the Nuggets.  Peruse the crowd at a Bronco game and it resembles a Mormon congregation.  And they are stupid.  Just a little over two years ago the morons who follow this team were anointing Tim Tebow the next John Elway.  They don't deserve anything.  They got two trophies at the end of Elway's career. Manning got one with the Colts.  His actual team.  Do they really deserve another?  These are the same phonies who inherited the Quebec Nordique's power house team and suddenly they became hockey fans.  Just a mass of horrible human beings walking around in those hideous North Face jackets.  

Seattle Seahawks.

Where do you start.  The coach is fucking cheater.  Ran a dirty program in college.  Left just as the school was being sanctioned by the NCAA to take more money to coach the Seattle Seahawks who have had the most PED suspension's since Slippery Pete took over the team.  Richard Sherman is a dick.  He spouts off like a retarded teenager.  Then apologizes. Not for what he said but for how the media covered it.  And speak of horrible fans.  I don't think this city was aware it had a football team before 2000.  Now they're the "12th Man!"  Fuck you.  You will find a smaller ratio of grown men dressed like it's Halloween at the psych ward at comic con.  And who the fuck designed their Jersey's?  They are actually worse the Bronco's.  It's like a sleeve of tennis balls vomited on the Boise State football field.  And Percy Harvin may just be the worst human being on the planet.  Considering that Warren Sapp and Keyshawn Johnson already have rings do we really want him to get one?  And what the fuck is a Seahawk?  It's not really a bird you know.

Jesus.  Why the fuck am I gonna watch the game.  Rooting for either team is like rooting for Satan.  It's like making a Star Wars movie with Darth Vader against The Emperor.  You know what.  Don't watch.  The commercials aren't worth it.  Fuck sports.  Fuck the NFL.  I'm done.  Until next season.