Sympathy For The Devil

O' Devil Where Art Thou?

Satan.  Lucifer.  Angel of Death.  Beelzebub.  The devil is a man(?) of many names.  Most religions have some sort of devil attached to their faith.  And he is the reason Elvis' hips couldn't be showed on his first television appearance.  From the beginning zealots with closets filled with skeleton's have warned of the devils influence through music.  But it didn't start with Elvis.  Mephistopheles has a long connection to music.  From Pagannini being labled as Diabolus En Musica in the 19th century to tales of bluesman Robert Johnson selling his soul at the crossroads in Mississippi, the Prince of Darkness has been getting some level of blame/attachment to the music some pious asshole didn't want his teenage daughter listening to.  

But be wary of getting in bed with Diablo.  Sure he underestimated Johnny when he went down to Georgia thinking he found a soul to steal.  In the end he had to lay the golden fiddle on the ground at Johnny's feet.  But Johnny's the exception that proved the rule.  Few are successful when taking on Satan.  Or so legend would have us believe.  Hark the tale of Led Zeppelin.  Lore tells us John Paul Jones was the only member who refused to make pact with ole Lucy and hence was the only one spared of personal tragedy.  From John Bonham's untimely demise to Robert Plant tragically losing his 5 year old son to a stomach ailment to Jimmy Page who probably paid the highest price by having to do a record with David Coverdale.

Couldn't this argument be turned around though?  I mean is there anyone in Led Zep you'd rather not be more than John Paul Jones? (Assuming being John Bonham didn't also mean being dead.)  I mean, if the devil gets the blame for Coverdale/Page then why not get credit for all the awesome shit?  Led Zeppelin created some incredible music.  So did the Beatles, Elvis, KISS and pretty much any band the Peter's brothers took time to protest in between Jerry Sandusky retreats. 

Full disclosure. I don't believe rock bands typically have the time to worship Satan with all the drugs and sex and all.  And I don't believe listening to a recording of any kind could result in demonic possession or somehow worshiping the Devil by accident like you tripped over a curb.  But I did.  I was 13 when I first held the cover of Motley Crue's Shout At The Devil and I was convinced they were in-cahoots with the Devil they so boldly shouted at.  I was worried for my soul and final place in heaven... or hell.  And I still needed to have that record.  And here's the important part.

Music was better then.  

Now the only church that bothers picketing anything is the Westboro Baptist Church.  A tiny church of inbred hate mongers who so distort the teachings of the bible Pat Robertson finds them a bit weird.  When I was in Jr. High my wardrobe separated me from the the popular kids.  I liked music that would lead me to drugs and teenage sex and they listened to shitty music that would make them spend hours on the telephone talking about boys.  Now days pop stars like Taylor Swift are just as likely to share the stage with Motley Crue as Vince Neil.  Justin Bieber did a Best Buy commercial with Ozzy.  Justin Fucking Bieber.  In the 80's the kind of people who would give J-Biebs the thumbs up were suing Ozzy for secretly convincing the kid they'd ben ignoring for a decade into killing himself.  He calls himself the Prince of Darkness for fucks sake! 

We don't care anymore.  And I contend music is worse because of it.  I grew up.  I developed an adult brain that realized the idea of accidentally worshiping the devil was stupid.  But how come your kids aren't worried about it?  Why aren't churches with legitimate reputations out protesting Breaking Benjamin when they come to town?  Because there hasn't been a band that a teenager actually gave a shit about in the last 15 years.  And parents are too busy fighting little league coaches and buying their little brats iPhones to worry about little Billy's soul. 

I suppose it's partially my generations fault.  If I realized it was stupid most of my classmates did as well.  And while digital technology has made it easier to hear those secret backwards messages its a lot less fun as well.  FUCK!  Remember how evil just spinning a vinyl album in the opposite direction once seemed?  Depending on your age probably not.  But trust me it was pretty fucking scary.  

Is there a direct correlation to the quality of music and how satanic we thought it was?  How scary it was?  I say yes.  From what I can tell Marilyn Manson was the last artist who actually scared parents.   Prior to that you had a change in rock music at least every 7 years.  From Elvis to the Beatles to the Rolling Stones to Pink Floyd to Sabbath to KISS to Motley to Metallica to Guns N Roses to Nirvana to... Limp Bizkit?  Godsmack?  Nickelback?  Now?  Hard Rock has been churning out the same Nickelback/Disturbed influenced vomit for 15 years.  And artists crossing over doesn't make it better.  It's makes it boring.  Pharrel may be happy but he has no frame of reference.  He's a dick.  I don't want to see KISS on American Idol anymore than I want Pat Boone to do another Metal album. 

No matter what the cause.  The internet.  File sharing.  Illegal downloading.  iPod's.  American Idol.  Video games.  Parent/Church apathy I DON'T CARE.  It was better then than it is now.  It's harder to find even a cover band in your local area than it has ever been.  The future of music is being left in the hands of people who answer to Nielsen ratings and if I have to explain why that's bad then I request you kill yourself.  Now get off my lawn.       

Kanye Is So... Kanye. SATM Reads GQ

GQ did a cover story on SATM Man Of The Year so you know we gotta read it.  See, we actually love Kanye.  He is as entertaining as he is stupid.  This article is chock full of Kanye-ism’s. 

How can someone do a sympathetic article on someone who is so unsympathetic? (Unless you believe my Kanye is retarded theory.)  The interviewer comes across as someone who wants to be invited to Kanye’s parties.  Don’t get me wrong.  If Kanye invited SATM to one of his parties I can guarantee the entire staff, all three of us, would show up early and stay until we were kicked out.  But we’re not gonna pretend Kanye isn’t Kanye to get there.  And might I add that not one time was he asked about being named SATM MOY nor did he ever bring that up or talk about all of the support he’s given us.  Below are our snippets of Kanye Gold.  You can read the whole interview here.  Here are our highlights.

Regarding seeing the paparazzi everywhere he goes:  “I hope we don’t see no paparazzi today because I’m still getting acquainted with these jogging pants I threw on.”

On the video of him walking into a sign:  “It’s difficult.  And then put on top of that the idea of going and taking meetings with people and they say ‘We don’t want to work with you because we saw you get mad about walking into the sign’”

Regarding… fuck if I know:  “There’s no fangs.  I don’t have fangs.  I’m a porcupine.  I’m a blowfish.  Like, I’m a – what’s the fish that blows up?”  (There’s a fishdick joke in there somewhere.  Good call South park)”

Regarding a report that said one hour before his wedding he didn’t like the bar so he started sawing it in half:  “Were they involved with anything last year that was culturally significant as the Yeezus tour or that album?”

On the importance of him and Kim being celebrities:  “Yes, we are celebrities, but yes, we’re also innovators, we’re also thoughtful.”

Regarding always being on his toes:  “I’m fighting with the way I line up my words together and the way I place a sweater on top of a T-shirt.”

He says this jem of knowledge:  “God flowing through us and us being little baby creators and shit.”

He continues his assault on books:  “When a kids falls in love with a plane or a bike or a dinosaur it’s not because of the book the sibling was reading.  It’s like, fuck, you mean to tell me that dinosaur’s walked the earth and stuff like that?”

More wisdom (He seems to have a think about planes and dinosaurs):  “That’s just as cool as a fucking fighter jet or a dinosaur!”

Regarding his influence on fashion:  “I guarantee you I’m more than 50 percent responsible for every pair of shoes Balenciaga sell.”

On how it’s actually harder to be a rapper or a reality star than an actor:  “When you’re a reality star or a rapper, you are the film”

Regarding finding time to record a new album:  “Then I’m like, I have to work on Addidas and be with my child.”

And then this:  “But what makes me happy is land and we’re on a boat right now”

And this:  “I don’t like walking around with people thinking I’m doing uncool shit.”

And there’s more.  He quotes the movie Step Brothers to make some fucking point about dinosaurs.  He refers to Kim as his dinosaur.  He says we’re all mad at Kim because she basically conned boys in school to do her homework for her and she got better grades than people who actually tried.  And if that’s true than you can add that to the list of reason’s people hate her.  He predicted he’d have a daughter and he wished he would’ve made an official record of that creative genius shit (his words) he could’ve then bragged to all of us that he called that one.  50/50 odds there Kanye. 

While we may not have a raison d'être (look it up genius) without Kanye I found myself a little sad for him.  He reminds me of the kid in school who was never in on the joke.  Picking on him is starting to seem mean.  I got a feeling that deep down he’s a genuine person.  He’s just not very bright.  He confuses fashion shows with being educated.  He somehow feels he can have no cultural significance without being a designer.  He doesn’t appear to have a genuine appreciation for his wife or an understanding of parenthood.  Considering his marriage is a joke and his kid will be raised by nannies it’s probably not a real concern.  So instead of feeling sorry for Kanye I’m gonna be happy such a special man has accomplished so much.  Look at you go Kanye.  You’ve never read a book you didn’t write and you still get invited to fashion shows.     

83 Hard Rock Bands Better Than Kings X

As I promised in the brilliantly written blog Most Overrated, Underrated, Bands Of All Time in response to the revelation that Kings X came in at 83 on VH1's list of greatest hard rock bands of all time, I would write a blog listing 83 hard rock bands better than Kings X.

Opening for Jesus Chrysler.  Check that off the bucket list

The thing is.  Kings X isn't a bad band.  They are just overrated.  And yes, 83rd place on a stupid TV show poll designed to fill airspace is overrating them.  For the purpose of being scientifical and obnoxious I did it in alphabetical order. Once I got to 83 I had only reached Megadeth.  M.  Halfway through the alphabet. One could logically deduce that there may be as many as 166 bands better than Kings X.  I doubt they are anybody's short list.  It also means they were spared the indignity of Nickelback appearing on this list.  Anyway.  Here you go.  83 hard rock bands better than Kings X.  In alphabetical order.    

1) AC/DC
2) Accept
3) Alice In Chains
4) All That Remains
5) Anthrax
6) Atreyu
7) Audioslave
8) Autograph
9) Bad Company
10) Badlands
11) Black Label Society
12) Black Flag
13) Black Sabbath
14) Blue Oyster Cult
15) Body Count
16) Bon Jovi
17) Bonfire
18) Britny Fox
19) Brother Cane
20) Buckcherry
21) Bullet Boys
22) Candlebox
23) Cheap Trick
24) Chickenfoot
25) Chimaira
26) Cinderella
27) Coal Chamber
28) Alice Cooper
29) Corrosion Of Conformity
30) The Cult
31) D.A.D. 
32) Damn Yankees
33) Damageplan
34) Danzig
35) Deep Purple
36) Death Angel
37) Def Leppard
38) Dio
39) Dokken
40) Donna's 
41) Doro

You sure all these bands are better than us?

42) Down
43) Drowning Pool
44) Extreme
45) Exodus
46) Faith No More
47) Fight
48) Flotsam and Jetsam
49) Flipp
50) Foo Fighters
51) Four Horseman
52) Frehley's Comet
53) Fu Manchu
54) Garbage
55) Ghost
56) Godsmack
57) Goldfinger
58) Great White
59) Guns N Roses
60) Sammy Hagar
61) Helmet
62) HIM
63) Hurricane
64) Jimmy Hendrix
65) Husker Du
66) Janis Figure
67) Jesus Chrysler
68) Judas Priest 
69) Keel 
70) Kid Rock
71) King Diamond
72) KISS
73) KIX
74) Lenny Kravitz
75) LA Guns
76) Lamb Of God
77) Led Zepplin
78) Love/Hate
79) Loudness
80) Lynch Mob
81) Lynyrd Skynyrd
82) Manowar
83) Megadeth

Kim Kardashian's Mouth Wasn't Made For Talking

Some people truly don’t deserve all they have. 

 

Exhibit A:  Anyone named Kardashian.  Less of a family and more of a Reality TV Whorehouse the stupid just oozes out of them.  Recently Kim was seen pushing Baby Stupid Name around in a stroller while showing the inside half of her rack in a ridiculous tit baring ensemble that one would put on before putting a couple glow sticks and some Molly in their clutch.  Being Kim K, people noticed, took pictures and commented.  And one of those comments for some reason came from Pespi CEO Indra Nooyi‘s.  She just said you can’t have it all when you’re a mother.

 

Being a complete out of touch moron who has zero appreciation for how cake her life really is, Kim felt compelled to comment.  So this week I thought it’s be fun to break down Kim’s “comeback” to what she interpreted as criticism.

“I mean, I think

 

I know right?

 

that’s just not really like a positive outlook and for me, like my mom kind of taught us girls that we could have it all. 

 

As long as she get’s 10%

 

You know, she works hard.

 

Since when is agreeing to whore your daughter out to foreign tyrant billionaires hard work?

She taught us that if you work hard, it’s just all about prioritizing and I think that, yeah, it could get tough and after you have a baby, there are so many times when I just didn’t want to get up and work

You can’t be serious.  Work?

on something and I just wanted to be home with my baby,

You know… what’s his name.  Oh that’s right.  He’s a girl.  Anyway…

 

but, you know, for me, and I think I can speak for my sisters, it makes us feel good when we are out working and we can provide something for our friends and products that, you know, we can’t find that we really want.

Like a morning after pill that is also a handbag

And it just makes you feel productive. So if anyone really feels like they can’t do it all, I feel like it’s a little bit discouraging to say that, even if I couldn’t and it wasn’t possible, I would try. And I would, you know, try my best to do it all."

Your Nanny’s know your full term abortion better than you. 

 

Dear Kim.  You need to shut up.  Your mouth wasn’t made for talking. 

 

Sincerely, Snark At The Moon

Five Albums You Never Heard That You Should... Jerkface!

I’m an album guy.  A great song is a great song but a great album is a life changer.  If you have AC/DC’s You Shook Me in your mp3 player but have never heard the album Back In Black from beginning to end I can comfortably say your life has been a waste up to this point.  A great album has a flow.  It is littered with peaks and valleys.  It takes you on a journey.  Be it a concept album like Queensryche’s Operation Mindcrime or just the perfect sequence of sleazy rock like Guns N Roses Appetite for Destruction a great album is more than the sum of its parts. The songs by themselves suffer without the bookends of the album it’s from.  The idea of cherry picking a song off an album like Pink Floyd’s the wall is retarded.

There are plenty of iconic classic albums in every genre.  But to the more sophisticated ear there are also great albums with less of an iconic status.  Often times these hidden gems aren’t given a chance because they break the stereotype of what we perceive a given band to be.  For many the name Black Sabbath instantly conjures up the image of Ozzy.  And when people think of KISS they aren’t likely to think of dark brooding lyrics about emotions.  But why let our own preconceptions rob us of an enjoyable experience?

So I came up with 5 albums that you probably haven’t listened to but definitely should.  For this category I limited myself to bands that have at least one all time iconic masterpiece you must have sex with your hand at least once while listening to before you die album.  The reason being there are soooo many bands you’ve never heard of who have released brilliant records.  It would be difficult to limit myself to 5.  Also the albums I picked were all critical and commercial flops. 

Black Sabbath – Eternal Idol.  As much as Ozzy leaving left the future of Sabbath in the air, it was really Dio’s departure that started roller coaster that became Sabbath in the 80's.  I had a hard time choosing between this record and 1983’s Born Again.  The fact that I’m not sure there is a more obscure record by a band on this list made me go with Eternal Idol.  After being forced by Warner Bros. to release his solo album Seventh Star under the moniker of Black Sabbath, Tony Iommi thought the next album should be more Sabbath-y.  And man did he come through.  This album is loaded with riffs straight off of Lucifer’s taint.  You can actually feel the devil stealing your soul while listening to this record.  It is the first Sab album to feature Tony Martin on vocals and it's the best.  Sadly by this point Sabbath was largely viewed as a real life Spinal Tap.  Tony Martin was at least the fourth singer since Ian Gillan left in 1983 and of those four only two managed to make a record.  One’s that were released anyway.  This heaping slab of metal holds its own with ANY Sabbath record.   Key tracks:  The Shining, Nightmare and The Eternal Idol    

 

Guns N Roses – Chinese Democracy.  This album is to rock as the Hughes H4 Hercules is to aviation.  Rumors circulating for over a decade.  A guitarist recording his parts in a make shift chicken coop.  Talk that there was actually no usable music.  Axl Rose had gone Brian Wilson and was just madly whittling away.  It became a term one would use to describe something that would never be completed.  By the time it was released it was largely ignored because people who would’ve cared were now 13 years older and had kids and mortgages and shit like that.  Which is too bad because it’s a brilliant album.  And of course many were turned off by the idea that a band that only featured Axl Rose was calling itself Guns N Roses.  But the record really delivers.  Today we confuse polished production as teen pop recorded with generic presets that make everything stay in time and sound in key.  Chinese Democracy is about as produced a record as you can find.  It’s slick production is actually part of its brilliance.  You can hear each note being recorded.  No matter how good the music or production is this record will never get a fair shake and that’s too bad because if you haven’t given this record an open ear then you are really missing out.  Key Tracks:  Chinese Democracy, If The World and Sorry   

 

KISS – Carnival Of Souls.  Rocking all nite after partying every day takes its toll on you after 20 years.  Right smack in the middle of grunge’s brief dominance KISS made a cash grab and called it Carnival Of Souls.  They hired grunge guru Toby Wright to produce, tuned down their guitars and started writings songs about their dead friends and being so filled with hate they have actually become the embodiment of it.  This was clearly an example of a band who needs a mirror to see their greatest days taking a stab doing what the newer and cooler kids were doing.  To be fair, the grunge movement offered KISS their first taste of mainstream acceptance.  Whereas in the 80’s KISS’ contemporaries’ found it “un-cool” to have been influenced by KISS, grunge seemed to contain at least one proud member of the KISS Army.  That said they were dangerously close to becoming a club band in 1995 so they made a run at doing the music that was popular at the time.  It's not classic KISS.  But it’s fucking awesome.  They may have been faking it to an extent but what they came up with is a great album.  The only miscue was letting Bruce Kulick sing a song.  Also, hindering any chance people would ever hear this record, KISS shelved it before its release to reunite with original members Ace Frehley and Peter Criss and embark on a make-up slathered reunion tour.  When they finally dumped this on the public a couple years later they didn’t even bother putting a real album cover on it.  Too bad though.  Cause it kicks ass.  Key Tracks: Childhoods End, I Will Be There and Master & Slave     

Judas Priest – Turbo.  At least now it’s ok to call this album gay.  After a decade of defining what Heavy Metal meant and releasing back to back monstrous metal masterpieces with Screaming For Vengeance and Defenders of The Faith Judas Priest decided to take a stab at using synthesizers.  Which of course made most of their fans commit suicide.  I get how some view this as a betrayal on the level of Metallica cutting their hair but take a moment and listen to the record.  It’s really fucking good.  I suppose Rob Halford could sing the obituary section and it would sound metal but this record has some great music on it.  Sure it’s a little slicker than you expect from Priest but so what.  Metal guys are too touchy about shit like this.  Quit eating that hot dog sideways Beavis and just listen without prejudice.  Key tracks:  Turbo Lover, Locked In and Out In The Cold    

Han Halen – 3.  If Van Halen had a red headed step child its name would be 3.  Before we knew Eddie was the one who was bat shit nuts and not those crazy singers, he kicked Sammy Hagar out of the band because Sammy wasn’t enough of a team player to leave his wife’s side hours after welcoming a child into the world to help pick tracks for a greatest hits album.  He filled Sammy’s spot in the band with perfectly capable Gary Cherone known mostly for his work with Van Halen clone Extreme.  Pretty much hated before its release Van Halen 3 never had a chance.  It’s the little record that couldn’t.  Eddie was forced to reunite with Dave, then Sammy and then Dave again.  The lack of “nice things” said about this record must’ve taken its toll on Eddie as aside from scoring a porno, he hasn’t released any “new” material since.  But this record is good.  It’s at least as good as its predecessor Balance.  If not great.  I promise.  There is some great music on here.  And the record just flows.  But you don’t care do you.  You just got Van Halen all figured out don’t you.  (Insert whiny voice) “Oh.  I didn’t know that was Gary Cherone singing.  I don’t like because I’m a fucking cunt wad with no taste.”   This record and Chinese Democracy are the two records I can’t seem to find or convince anyone of their brilliance.  Two words.  Your loss.  Key tracks:  One I Want, Dirty Water Dog and Ballot or the Bullet. 

Perception.  Lack of promotion.  A change in the music scene.  The bottom line is don’t let something like who’s in a band make it so you miss out on an otherwise great album.  Unless that guy is Myles Kennedy then by all means.  That guys voice just makes me want to peel the skin off my penis.  What are you thinking Slash?