How Am I Supposed To Find The Forest With All These Trees In The Way?

As a youngling I was forced to do many things I didn't want to.  For the most part I did them.  Rarely pausing to question why.  Then one day it happened.  I asked the question.  Why?  Not as a form of rebellion but as a matter of curiosity.  As I got more answers I started to embrace the logic of what I was forced to do. I became man.

Why have we lost our ability to question what has been put in front of us?  Or more aptly put, why do we only question that which we disapprove of?  When the message is one that supports our views or opinions, we seem to have lost the ability to be objective. To question the validity of a quote is gone if we agree with it. Who cares if it’s true?  My dad was no fan of President Carter but he would've never supported the type of anti Obama false prophecy that has permeated both ends of the political spectrum.  Both of my parents loved Jesus.  But not so much they felt Tim Tebow was a good QB.  It's good to have beliefs.  It's even better if you're willing to stand for what you believe. But what if doing so means believing a lie or embracing a hoax?      

There was that picture flying around the internet of the father of the Duck Dynasty clan Phil Robertson holding a bible in his hand with text that told the story of the network suits at A&E, in response to complaints, asking him if they could take the prayer out of the end of the episodes.Which of course he refused to do and said if they took it out there would be no show. Which sent the network exec’s running in fear.  But is it true?  Does it matter? We want to believe so.  We want to believe our faith is being attacked and finally we have someone with power on our side.  We want to believe even though it isn't true and basic reasoning skills would tell us that if we let them. Reason tells us there isn't much chance that Duck Dynasty got more complaints than Jersey Shore? Reason tells us more like minded people (Christians) complained about Ellen Degeneres coming out of the closet on her sit com Ellen in the late 90’s, than all of the anti-prayer complaints for Duck Dynasty combined. And there was no outcry to cancel the show.  We want to believe so bad we’re choosing to believe an obvious hoax.  We want to believe.   

Then we have the story of the poor school teacher who was going to be fired because she had the audacity to send a letter to President Obama that was critical of his administration.  We want to hate the President.  We want him to be wrong.  We want his birth certificate to be fake.  We want to believe gas prices never went over $3 before he was president even though we paid for it.  We want to believe he is the devil.  So much that we will never question anything that supports that idea. Even if believing means we're retarded.  A simple web search will tell you the teacher story is a hoax.  And if you read the letter you should have been able to figure that out for yourself.  When have you ever heard President Obama say the United States is not a Christian nation much less say it to Muslims everywhere?  When has a teacher ever been fired for writing a letter to the president?  When has a teacher ever written a letter to the President that didn't discuss education?  We don't question this because we want it to be true. We want to believe.  

And you can't swing a dead cat without hitting someone who thinks Tim Tebow has been blackballed from the NFL because of his faith.  We want to believe our faith has been attacked so much that we seem to ignore the pile of players on the field after every game holding hands in group prayer.  Shown on national television for all non Christians to see.  We want to believe in a predominantly Christian country that a sport that still, even at the pro level, employs a team chaplain, just can’t handle Tim Tebow loving Jesus.  We want to believe it so bad we ignore that Tim might be breaking the 2nd, 4th and 10th commandment on national TV every time he draws attention to himself for loving the lord with his pose we now know as Tebowing.  We want to believe so much that we ignore his completion percentage.  We want to believe. 

Why?  Why do we want to believe?  We are who we are.  Almost all of us just want to go to bed and wake up happy. Why do we choose to cling to a myth, a lie, a misrepresentation of the truth?  It's not necessary.   Is it ok for Tim Tebow to love Jesus while simultaneously sucking at QB?  Is what we believe so important that we will embrace a lie or worse, lie to ourselves?  The lesson should be not to embrace something so hard without knowing everything.  Instead it seems the lesson is to just convince ourselves any evidence to the contrary is part of the cover up.  Still I want to believe.  I want to believe we are better.  Deep down.  I believe we all are better.  I want to believe we all silently question the same things.  That when you peel it all back, we're all quite the same. That even when we won't admit it, we know the trees are the forest.  That we all don't actually like Dancing With The Stars or the Voice.  I want to believe.

Does Kim Kardashian Deserve A Star On The Hollywood Walk Of Fame?

No!

Saturday Sports Crapper

MICHAEL BEASLEY NOT TAKING ANY SHIT FROM MICHAEL BEASLEY

Us folks in the land of 10,000 lakes are all too familiar with full time pot head and part time basketball player Michael Beasley.  Supposedly he's wasting his talent but I argue he's achieved quite a bit for a lazy ass. Here's a video that shows him punching himself in the face. Reportedly he kicked his own ass so bad he required medical attention. Stay crazy B-Easy!    

PING PONG IS FOR WINNERS!  NOT LOSERS!

Pittsburgh Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin is sending his winless team a message.  No more Ping Pong.  If Glengarry Glen Ross taught us coffee's for closers then Mike Tomlin is teaching his players that Ping Pong is for winners. Of course most professional athletes can probably afford their very own ping pong table.  What do you think about that coach Tomlin?

Mike Tomlin says no more Ping Pong. LOSERS!

REFEREE'S ARRESTED DURING HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL GAME

Two ref's were arrested on public intimidation charges during a football game last night.  Not sure what to say.  Cops can be pretty touchy about what kind of "tone" you use when speaking to them.  There's a joke in here somewhere. Doughnuts and eyeglasses? 

Ref's and Cops Get Into Turf War At High School Football Game 


ADRIAN PETERSON'S SON DIES

In more serious news the 2 year old son of Adrian Peterson died from injuries he suffered at the hands of the mothers boyfriend.  Senseless.  Our thoughts are with AP and the all too many victims of this kind of crap.  

Shit stupid sports fans say:  "You can't win without a big name coach"

Why The New KISS Rock Doc is Probably Gonna Be Lame

Well, I planned on laying off doing any blogs on my favorite band KISS for awhile but the recent news that a new documentary is in the works made it hard to stay away from this one.  A few months back some friends and I were discussing some of the more recent Rock Documentaries that have come out the last few years.  While expressing how much I’ve enjoyed them, I pined about how cool it would be if they did one for KISS.  There have been plenty of documentary type programs on KISS, but they all come with the death grip of Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley making sure nothing they didn’t want to come out came out.  That it was more propaganda about how cool they are and how worthless Ace and Peter are.  Even after 40 years they still seem afraid of showing the rough edges.  The mistakes and failures are glossed over if discussed at all.  Plus they seemed as driven as ever to tarnish the already corroded reputations of Ace Frehley and Peter Criss.  The result ends up looking more like war era propaganda than a legitimate documentary.

One of the best things about the Lemmy documentary was the stark honesty about the things he may not be the most proud of.  He certainly hasn’t lived a perfect life.  He seems to get that at this stage of the game the story isn’t that Motorhead has a new record.  The same can be said for RUSH: Beyond The Lighted Stage, Back And Forth (Foo Fighters) and This Is Anvil.  There are also some brilliant smaller scale doc’s.  Wake Up Dead about the life of a rocker you’ve never heard of Phil Varone.  Or Let’s Get Thrashed a doc about the rise of Thrash Metal.  All of these were done with very limited creative constraints on the film maker and full cooperation of those most important to the story.  With Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley, you can only get one of those two.

So when I heard that this most recent attempt to tell the story of KISS would be done without the input of Ace or Peter I was disappointed.  Not so much for what they would add to the project but for what it signified.  It meant that once again Gene and Paul were in charge of the overall tone and message.  Which translates into a homogenized history of one of the greatest rock bands in American history.  With all the Gene and Paul approved propaganda out there, why do we need more?  Their side of the story is Ace and Peter were asked but they started making unreasonable demands.  The Peter and Ace side is that they were approached and were asked to do it as a favor to Gene and Paul.  In other words, for free.  

“Were gonna do this with or without you.  If you want to be involved were not gonna pay you and we have final say as to what will actually be put in the movie.  You don’t mind donating your time while we profit from it do you?”  

I know this becomes a he said/he said situation but were all adults here.  There is too much evidence against Gene and Paul to take their version of events.  They have a track record of promoting whatever paints the picture they want you to see.  Bruce Fairbairn said in an EQ magazine article that unequivocally Peter was the drummer on Psycho Circus.  As we now know it was actually Kevin Valentine you wonder why he would say that.  Because they guys signing the checks told him too.  Why should we give this documentary maker the benefit of the doubt when history tells us otherwise.  The only way this ends up being something cool is if the filmmaker does it without ever consulting Gene and Paul.  I know they plan to use archived footage that current Ace Frehley imposter Tommy Thayer shot back in 2001 and prior when holding a camera and fetching Gene’s laundry were his main duties but that’s not the same.  I’m hopeful yet skeptical that the end product will be something cool.  And since I can’t change anything I thought I’d make a few predictions. 

A minimum of 20% of the film will cover the time between 2009 and now or as I like to call it.  The dead behind the ears era.  Eric Singer and Tommy Thayer will have at least as much face time as the actual Ace and Peter.

The title will include a pun using the word KISS.

Eddie Trunk will do a similar rant as I’m doing but far less original or interesting.

Bob Kulick being bald will be mentioned at least once.  

Bruce Kulick will have plenty to say yet say nothing interesting.  

Gene Simmons will be wearing an ill fitting baseball cap atop his odd shaped wig with the logo of some self serving enterprise.  

Fear of being sued will keep them from ever discussing one Vinnie Vincent or allowing a song he’s listed as a writer on to be used in the movie.  I’m gonna give them a pass on this one.

KISS still won’t be in the HOF.

I will buy it.  I will watch it.  I will complain loudly and often as my wife sits next to me and says “yes dear”.

Shut The *BLEEP* Up!

There are reasons you don't spend too much time raising your child to think they are great.  One being, well they're probably not great.  Another reason would be they grow up to be this idiot.  This perfectly lovely gal thinks her job is too focused on the bottom line than quality.  To prove her point she used a Kanye West song.  (At least I assumed it was ironic).  For TWO years she sacrificed friends and relationships for this heartless video production company and she decided she was going to quit in GLORIOUS fashion. And of course the mindless masses ate it up.

Please.  I can't be the only one tired of the videos of 20 somethings sharing their disappointment in the world. They are pissed off because their Art History degree didn't turn into a 6 figure job a week out of college and they want us all to know about it.  They need to shut the fuck up.  But it's not their fault. It's the parents bribing them with ice cream not to throw a fit in church. It's teachers telling them trying is as good as doing. It's school counselors telling them EVERYBODY deserves to go to college.  This moron's disenchantment is what plenty of people would call their best day ever.  

I don't care if someone wants more.  I care that they feel they deserve more. Have some perspective.  And can we stop giving credit for mediocrity.  If you watched this video and thought it was creative.  You watch too much reality TV.  If you thought, Good for you!  You've never worked in your life.  When your livelihood depends on you having  a job, you don't quit for these reasons. I doubt she's sacrificed much of anything except maybe a gym membership. And she hasn't even earned the attention I'm giving her.     

Go Home Miley. You're Not Drunk Enough

Margaret Thatcher once said “Being a musician is like being a lady.  If you have to tell people you are, you’re not.”  At least I think that’s how it went.  The point is, if Miley Cyrus didn’t tell people she was a musician or a lady, most people would never know either.  When she tries to act edgy and shock us all she ends up looking like a 4 year old mimicking a Madonna video.  That said I must admit a bit of shame in just writing about her.  I am now part of the machine feeding a horrible person’s self worth.  Fuck it.  It’s not my fault she sucks. 

 

And suck she does.  And not the good kind (allegedly).  Is there anything she claims to be that is worth our time or money?  Should anyone who didn’t have a 10 year old daughter 6 years ago know who she is?  Time to dissect. 

 

Music.  If she’s a musician then Mr. Rogers is a journalist.  I’m ok with her, or anyone else for that matter, writing cheesy garbage meant to entertain pre-teen girls.  But when you make your deal with the devil you should be stuck with the consequences.  Miley should be singing about doll houses and fairies.  Not sticking her ass and tongue out simultaneously as Robin Thicke rubs his Ken Doll in her crack.  The line between cutting edge and Tijuana Donkey Show is NOT a fine one.  Some people say pop music was always this way.  Those people are stupid.  Pop music didn’t start with Destiny’s Child.  Elvis was Pop.  The Beatles, Fleetwood Mack, the Eagles, Billy Joel, Elton John, Billy Idol, David Bowie, Madonna, Cindy Lauper, Bruce Springsteen, Lionel Richie, Reo Speedwagon, Journey, Styx, Queen and Prince to name a few, have all been Pop Stars in their own right.  Say what you want about em'.  Everyone of them knew how to write a song and could play multiple instruments.  We don’t even know if Miley can sing.  It really wasn’t until the mid 90’s when not using any instruments on a song became common place.  Much less auto-tune. 

 

And there used to be an unwritten rule about Disney channel type stars.  They never had grown up careers.  Now we got Christina, Britney, Timberlake and to a lesser extent the fucking Jonas Brothers being treated as credible artists.  Sorry folks but the world was a better place when David Cassidy was forced to fade away into adulthood.  Miley should be made to as well.

 

But no.  She’s popping up naked everywhere.  Crying on stage because the stupid ass lyrics of her song, written by someone else, remind her that her boyfriend dumped her a couple of days earlier.  Put on a shirt and get off stage for fucks sake.  Who the hell thinks she’s sexy anyway?  Catholic priests?.  Her mannish looks crossed with female DNA only mean she’s gonna look like a pre-pube boy for another decade or so.  I mean.  C'mon.  There really is something unnerving about her when she’s naked.  It's like seeing your brother naked.  And for a woman, that’s not a good thing.  Instead of shaving her head and swinging around naked on a giant steel ball, she needs to be getting a boob and ass job.  STAT!           

 

Elton John (Sir Elton to you commoners) recently proclaimed her an official train wreck.  He had seen this same behavior in Lindsay Lohan before her.  C'mon Elton.  Even that she can't pull off proper.  The suggestion that she’s following in steps of all time greats like Lilo, Charlie Sheen or even minor leaguers like Paris Hilton is laughable.  Sticking your tongue out while twerking all over Beetlejuice is childs play.  Complete with giant teddy bears.  Gary Busey can’t wake up without creating better headlines than that.  Wanna know how a child star is supposed to wreck?  See Corey Haim.  Or Feldman.  Or Todd Bridges.  Or Leif Garrett.  That’s right.  Leif fucking Garrett.  Look him up. While Miley gains headlines for poorly mimicking Gene Simmons, he’s paralyzing his best friend in a drunken car accident.  That’s how it’s done Miley.  (Actually it’s a horrible story and in no way should you feel encouraged to follow that path).   

 

I know it’s not all her fault.  Her dad’s Billy Ray Cyrus after all.  That can’t be easy.  Being raised by a punch line.  Gotta be rough.  For that I have empathy.  But if you want that sexy edge that Christina was able to pull off, you gotta be hotter.  Dressing skimpy and  acting like  a slut only works if you look like someone men want to fuck.  The same people engaging in self pleasure to Miley’s VMA performance are the ones who violated many a Hannah Montana doll and are far too old to be single and watch the Disney Channel.  In a recent poll* 90% of men who found Miley sexy have also considered becoming a priest.  The other 10% drive ice cream trucks.

 

Bottom line, go home Miley.  You’re not drunk enough, hot enough or talented enough. 

*No poll was actually conducted.  This statistic was invented for comedic purposes.

God of Thunder Thighs

“Even the best chicks can only last a couple of hours.”

I was years away from my first sexual experience when I first read that quote from David Lee Roth.  Yet despite my inability to truly comprehend what he was saying, something about that comment resonated with me.  That comment and the ability to come up with it seemed to embody everything I wanted to be.  In my pre-pubescent brain, it was quite possibly the coolest thing to say.  It oozed with confidence and dripped a sexual overtone that came with being a rock God.  That was before he became a caricature or a punch line to some lame 80’s rock joke.  No sir.  This was Diamond Dave in all his high kicking, spandex sporting Rock God glory.  And everything I wanted to be. 

As much as I found myself in awe of the bands I saw in Hit Parader and MTV, I was never star struck.  What I felt was more like desperate separation.  Like “If these guys only knew me, we’d be best friends.  I’d be the one dorky teenager they’d want to hang out with.”  I longed to be part of something out of my reach and I was frustrated.  I saw my surroundings as something I couldn’t put behind me quick enough.  I was a boy out of place.  An rock n roll astronaut stuck on earth.  A devil in the church.  I looked at rocker’s like Diamond Dave and dreamed of what it would be like to be them.      

But that’s just it isn’t it?  When you’re 15, rock stars seem ageless.  Old enough to do all the cool shit but not old like your stupid parents.  Parents are lame.  They eat three meals a day and go to church every Sunday.  Fuck that.  Do you think David Lee Roth is worried about the 4 food groups?  There’s no way Gene Simmons has ever gone to church.  He was born evil.  Right?  Or so I thought anyway.

I'll clean your chimney after this song

Ah but 25 years later things have changed.  Gene Simmons is just an old Jewish man who’s gotten a bit fat. And Diamond Dave?  More like Dingbat Dave.  He’s just an old man.  He isn’t even kind of cool.  He’s a hokey vaudevillian type.  A Vegas act and a cheap one.  In fact both Gene and Dave have taken their talents to Vegas.  Turns out, they were never as cool as I once thought they were.  In reality nobody is.  Cool is façade.  Cool is an illusion.  An outfit.  Shoes and makeup.  Lighting and cheap fabric.  Behind those serious faces of musicians who glamorized binge drinking and groupie sex were guys running on treadmills and avoiding alcohol to preserve their voices while making sure their tour riders included plenty of fresh fruit.  Lyrical reference’s to drugs and neck tattoo’s portray an image that often masks reality.  (Insert Buckcherry reference here) 

Ok so not all of them were healthy eating monogamous phonies but plenty of them are.  And I find it interesting the way our rockers age.   You can tell how successful a musician was and how relevant they still are by the way they look.  If you ran into Chuck Billy and James Hetfield at a San Francisco bar in 1988, you wouldn’t see the stark difference in appearance you do now.  Chuck Billy looks like he ate himself while Mr. Hetfield has on a pair of jeans and a t shirt that combined probably cost more than Chuck’s monthly rent on his apartment. 

Chuck Billy. Living the Dream

By 1992 Metallica were beginning their run as the biggest rock band on the planet while Testament was already into the downside of their career cycle.  20 years later they are both still going.  Only one of them strong.  When Metallica fly’s their private plane to their next show, I don’t think the in flight meal is Big Mac’s and Dilly bars.  And when Testament is playing some 400 seat club in New Mexico, I doubt their rider has top end, low fat catering.  More like 6 tombstones and a case of diet coke.  Look at current pictures of U2, Metallica, and and compare them to current pictures of bands like Testament and Exodus.  You can tell who’s staying in the better hotel’s. 

Alas we all age.  Some better than others.  But Rock Gods are supposed to stay golden.  Finding out they don’t is like discovering the whole Santa Claus cover up.      

God Of Thunder Thighs

The silver lining of course is that when it mattered to me, the illusion worked.  When I was popping pimples and jerking off 7 times a day, it all seemed so real.  So awesome.  So cool.  Right around the time I realized most of the musicians I inspired to be were either horribly boring or just horrible people, I no longer cared.  And for some reason, I didn’t feel betrayed.  I look back with fondness at the way dreaming of Rock Stardom made me feel.  And while it can never be the same I miss it.  There is a small window of time where horror movies are something you can watch and find scary.  And if you never watch horror movies during that time you will never know that feeling.  That same sentiment is why I don’t feel like I was lied to.  The feeling I had was real.  And that is what really matters.