Are Packer Fans The Worst Fans Ever?

The Urban Dictionary defines a Packer fan as: Someone who is a fan of the Green Bay Packers American football team. They are usually dumb and stump, inbred, drunk, disorderly, ugly, smelly, foul beasts.

 

There is a line between passionate fandom and moronic obsession.  And it’s about the size of Green bay Wisconsin.  Those of us who have saddled their allegiance to a team of a given sport know the ups and downs that come with giving of yourself emotionally to a billion dollar corporation that appreciates your support so much it has purposely priced you out of the arena they play in and threatened you and your fellow tax payers with demands that we make it easier for them to make money.  But we still do it.  And all sports have their rivalries and while some knuckleheads will actually debate the quality of their rivalry against yours, when you look at a group of fans objectively you realize that deep down, we are all quite the same.  We just chose a different jersey.  Well.  Except for one group of fans.  The Cheesheads.

Living in Minnesota we get a heavy dose of these pompous losers strutting around like Mossy Cade on parole.  And not just the two times a year that Minnesota and Green Bay play each other, the other 363 days as well.  These sociopaths lack the skill to separate anything in their life from tha Packahz.  Work, funerals, stopping for gas.  They are incapable of having a conversation that doesn’t somehow involve their beloved team.  Christmas parties.  Company picnics.  Weddings.  Funerals.  No place is safe.  They are like some kind of psychotic cyborg that sorts people based on the team they root for.  Then they dial up some fresh convo that references your team and the Packers and allows them to flash a smile that makes you wanna bash their face in with a sledge hammer.

“We don’t play indoors because we can handle the elements.”  (Followed by a punch me in the face grin)

“Dude.  Do we have to talk about this at my nephews baptism.”

And they have just one comeback to any rational attempt to change the subject.  You’re just jealous.

“Football season ended 4 months ago.  Maybe we can talk about something else.”

“You’re just jealous.” 

Their entire wardrobe can put into one of two categories.  Home and away.  They have Packer clothing for all occasions.  Formal wear (Paul Horning authentic jersey) to casual wear (Packer logo Hawaiian style shirt) and everything in between.  On a Wednesday night in Las Vegas I was amazed at the number of people I saw in Packer gear.  They can’t even go on vacation unless they can make sure complete strangers know they love the Packers.  The women look like they live in a bowling alley.  Revlon.  I beg of you.  Teach them about make up.  And God forbid you whip out a football during a picnic in the summer time or as the Shareholders call it.  Pre-Season.  Every pass they throw will be from Bart Starr or Lyn Dickey.  If you happen to drop a pass they’ll bring up the Monday night game when the ball bounced off Chris Dishman’s ass and into Antonio Freemans balls for a game winning TD.

One Lucky guy and the two hottest chicks in Wisconsin

They love their team so much you will see a couple hundred of them attend a Viking/Panthers game sporting their “nice clothes” throughout the Metrodome.  Instead of watching their beloved Packers, they will attend a different game just to show off the most expensive piece of clothing they own while complaining about the building they’re in.  And to puke in a urinal and pee in a sink.   

Every exchange will eventually lead to “How many Super Bowls have you won?”  I like trash talk but it has to be better than that doesn’t it?  “How many Super Bowls have you won?” is stupid on so many levels.  The first and most obvious is that as a spectator I watch Super Bowls I don’t win them.  But do these dipshit’s realize they are basically saying they wouldn’t be a fan of the Packers if they had never won a Super Bowl?  They are also the only fan base that counts the championships from the 20’s and 30’s when there were only 4 teams and players wore leather helmets.  Back then good players routinely turned down a job playing football professionally because they had a college education and could make more money doing anything else.

He owns the team.  Well, 1/5,000,000th of the team.

 

Despite the admission that they only root for the Packers because of their Championship’s they will tell you they support their team no matter what.  They didn’t tell you that from 1970 – 1993 but they will tell you.  And can we stop talking about Lambeau likes it’s the birthplace of Jesus.  It’s so fucking great that they played half of their home games in Milwaukee from 1953 to 1994.  If Lambeau is football Mecca, why play so many games over 4 decades in a different stadium?  Does it take that long to paint bleachers?  And surely the Greatest Fans on the earth don’t mind the 2 hour trip from Milwaukee to Green Bay 8 times a year.  

They are best fans ever.  Why?  Because they have decided that football will encompass their entire life?  Because they are willing to buy a worthless stock that is only sold to give the team money in exchange for nothing?  Because it never dawned on them that the “seats” at Lambeau field are identical to the ones at their high school?  After an almost $300 million in tax payer funded upgrades?  

They are smug delusional trolls who exist only to make football less enjoyable for others.  They have the fashion sense of a pig farmer and smell even worse.  The world is their toilet and they want you to know it.  But after a couple decades of dealing with these morons we finally got some payback. 

40,000 of “The Greatest Fans in the World” turned down the chance to buy playoff tickets.  An historic number in any town.  Now to be fair the Pack pretty much limped into the playoffs and it was going to be real cold.  The threat of the game not being televised loomed as the team was granted an extension to sell enough tickets to avoid a local television blackout.  In the end they were bailed out by some corporate sponsors buying the remaining 3000 tickets.  This happens all time… in other cities.  And there’s the crux.  This is only news because it happened in Green Bay.  It’s only news because they never have a hard time selling tickets.  They have a season ticket waiting list so long the estimated wait time is 700 years.  This is only news because for 20 years these smug pricks have talked about corporate ticket buys in other cities as examples of how they are better fans.  This is only news because they have been using the fact that these things never happen to the Packers as PROOF that they are the heartiest and greatest fans of any team anywhere.  It’s only news because of all the excuses, back peddling and whining that followed.  It was cold.  It was short notice.  It was right after the holidays and people are broke.  Reasons that Cheeseheads will say are irrelevant when disparaging a fan of any other team.  

Look at all the Cheeseheads tailgating before the game last Sunday.

The worst thing is there is no reaching them.  You need to rape the exhumed body of Vince Lombardi to wipe that smirk of their face.  Even as they are reading this they are preparing gems like “How many titles…”  and “You’re just jealous”.  They will try to twist everything I laid out as being upset over the outcome of a game.  IT WILL NEVER DAWN ON THESE HALF WITS I HAVEN’T MADE ONE COMMENT ABOUT THE ACTUAL TEAM!.  Alas the best way to beat criticism is to smile like you want your face shoved into the frozen tundra at Historic Lambeau field.  Go Pack Go!  Go wipe your ass with the toilet paper they told you was stock.  Enjoy the view from the owners box or as the rest of the world calls it, your couch.  

How I Would Fix The Vikings (An open letter to Rick Spielman)

The season is officially over for my beloved Vikings and I have decided to use this forum to break down how I would solve their woes.  Before I do let me share my credentials.  The only time I have participated in organized football of any kind was 7^th grade.  I was so bad they moved me from QB to guard.  The experience was so dreadful I wanted to quit but somehow convinced myself to stick it out.  Beyond that it’s been pickup games with friends and Madden.  I have however been turned down, in writing, for a coaching job with the Vikings that I wasn’t qualified for.  You can’t get turned down without being considered.  Right?    

While I’m clearly not an expert I can count the number of Vikings games I’ve missed since 1980 on both hands.  I think that level of torture gives one a certain perspective that can be useful.  So let’s fix our Vikings.     

Well they just fired the coach so I guess first thing you do is hire a new one.  Your last two coaches routinely seemed in over their head.  Childress was a jerk and stupid.  Frazier was a nice enough guy but was too willing to credit God for key decisions.  I got nothing against God and to each his own as far as faith.  I just think anyone capable of doing this job should have more than faith to guide the team and scheme game plans and such.  And if one thing should be clear, loving Jesus has no impact on football games.  This is a pretty elite gig.  I don’t care if he’s a calming presence on the sidelines or one of those guys who blows a vessel after every play.  Just don’t give Jesus all the credit.  Oh.  I guess it would be nice if they hired someone with head coaching experience at this level.

The new uniforms are terrible.  Especially the matte helmet.  If you insist on keeping the jersey’s with those stupid numbers that are supposed to be Viking ships at least go back to a shiny helmet.  They look like they are covered in a layer of frost.  And while I like the purple pants by my tally they have never won a game in them.  They probably are bad luck.  Ditch em.

Sign Jared Allen.  I don’t give a shit how much it takes it’s all monopoly money at this level.  Cap schmap.  You found $20 million to get Favre off the tractor a week before the season started in 2010 you can scrape together whatever it would take to keep one the teams most popular players.  He’s getting old. He’s not as productive blah blah blah.  They are certain instances when it’s worth keeping an aging player around.  You blew it with Matt Birk a few years ago.  And he went on to win a Super Bowl with Baltimore.  Don’t let Jared see what kind of interest is out there.  Let him know now not later that he is a Viking.       

Then you need a QB.  But again.  No one too religious.  Religion is for positions that don’t require intelligence.  Pretty much anything but QB or Coach.  Ponder was slightly less religious than Tim Tebow and ergo a slightly better QB.  Correct me if I’m wrong I don’t recall Bret Favre thanking God after games.  Coming from the south you know he goes to church.  We don’t need some religious nut leaving his understanding of a playbook in God’s hands.  An NFL QB knows the Playbook is the most important book in his life.  And he’s banging everything that moves in his down time.  Not rushing to Wisconsin mid season for a secret wedding to a woman he’s never seen naked.

That’s about it I think.  Oh yeah.  Get some better defensive players. You can send my Super Bowl ring the the SATM office’s.       

Alcohol Of Fame 2014 Inductees

Well were only supposed to have 3 but there was a tie so what the hell.  We are proud to give to present the Alcohol Of Fame Class of 2014.

With an almost unanimous vote the state of Wisconsin.

No municipal embraces getting hammered like the great state of Wisconsin.  Letting children drink in bars as long as they are with a parent who is also drinking.  Boasting the worlds largest 6 pack.  Being the last state to change it's drinking age to 21 only to be the only state to change it back to 19.  You embody everything we are attempting to honor. 

  

And we have this guy! 

Even though he's clearly an amateur when it comes to boozin' he just does with so much flair it was difficult to keep him out.  So for the greateest bannister slide in the history of man kind we are proud to induct this guy.

Ozzy Ozbourne. 

Is there a more prolific nominee?  Ozzy's liver should probably get all the credit considering it does all the work.  Ozzy Ozbourne ladies and gentlemen. 

Mel Gibson

While his hate speech isn't cool the way he embraced being hammered is.  His fall was just enough to force himself into the Hall and become just the 4th ever nominee to the Alcohol of fame.

Congrats to all nominees not just for being inducted but for making history as the inaugural class of the Alcohol of Fame.  The awards ceremony can be held at your leisure. 

Snark At The Moon Man Of The Year

Snark At The Moon’s Man Of The Year.  What does it mean?

 

To be named SATMMOTY is an honor of the highest regard.  It means you were brave enough to carve your path in spite of common sense or basic decency.  It means you stood in the way of naysayers and basic logic and said “I don’t care about you or anyone else!”  The SATMMOTY has put his own shit under his nose and declared it odor free.  In this our first year of existence the inaugural choice was so obvious it may as well have attacked us in an airport.  So obvious we felt no need to tease or string it out.  If you follow SATM then you no doubt probably realized the same.

 

The 2013 SATMMOTY has spent the last decade in the limelight doing things his way and making almost no sense at the same time.  He has started feuds with friends over misunderstanding so simple it’s hard to figure out how it became a misunderstanding.  And if you’ve been following our weeklong tribute to him, you know he mistook an enthusiastic fan for a heckler.  He gave his child a pun for a name.  He refuses to cave under scrutiny that his fiancée’ is a used up whore that most of his friends have fucked.  He compared himself to Steve Jobs, Nelson Mandela and Tupac all while calling himself a genius.  His concerts are one long Christ complex.  A proud non reader of books he released one of the dumbest books ever, e-hem, written.  He compares his encounters with the paparazzi with Rosas Parks refusing to sit in the back of the bus.    

 

While his official occupation is that of a rapper, most people who know him cannot name a song.  Very Bieberesque.  He refuses to change in spite of reason and seemingly can’t be reached.  Perhaps most impressive is this year’s SATMMOTY has done all of this sober. 

 

The great minds at Snark At The Moon are proud to present our first and 2013’s SNARK AT THE MOON MAN OF THE YEAR…  Kanye West!  

 

Congrats Kanye.  You are a horrible, self absorbed delusional dipshit.  Soooo very worthy of this honor.  Ima let you finish!

Alcohol Of Fame 2014 Nominees

This guy.

Getting drunk at a football game is one thing.  Getting drunk and the re-creating the Weather Girls hit song It's Raining Men is officially taking it up a notch.  Banister slides are not for amateurs in the 300 level of a football stadium.  Sure it reeks of inexperienced drinker but does that make him less worthy? 

Vodka Sam

Another drunk at a football game.  But it's no too often it's a girl getting arrested.  Tweets like "Going to jail now.  YOLO." "My mom had to come bail me out.  She is so pissed.  LOL" and then claiming she was going to get a tattoo of her BAC got her onto the list of nominees.  And being that her twitter handle was already Vodka Sam proves she's not new to the game.  But will it be enough to get her into the hall?

 

Marion Barry

Got nabbed in an FBI sting.  Undercover bitch set him up.  She insisted they freebase some coke before having sex.  Kind of borderline nomination as he is most notorious for cocaine but should that hurt his chances?  Does anyone do coke without a drinking problem?

Lemmy

Years of drinking and smoking are finally having an affect on Lemmy.  While we prefer he focus on staying well and making music, his alcohol tolerance earns him a nomination and probably a spot on Mount Boozmore.

 

Ozzy

C'mon.  Do Ozzy's credentials really need to be listed?

 

Wisconsin

Any state that allows minors to drink in bars as long as they are with their parent or guardian (until they are 18 that is) is HOF material.  The state is also home to the worlds largest six pack of beer and LaCrosse proudly brags to have the highest number of bars per capita.  And it goes on and on... 

 

Mel Gibson

When you get so drunk you do something that you will never live down, well that gets you a nomination.  He talked shit to a cop and then dropped a "J" bomb.  The Jewish community was already pissed at him for Passion of the Christ.  Good luck convincing anyone you aren't anti-Semitic now.  And those rage induced voice mails you left for the mother of your child, pretty sure you were drunk there as well.  And you had to be drunk to agree to star in the movie "What Women Want".    

     

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford

Is there a funner politician out there.  Speaks his mind like Jesse Ventura.  Drinks like Grover Cleveland and dables with the crack.  Now a bunch of flat liners are trying to kick him out of office because he's got plenty of pussy to eat at home.  Should we cut him some slack and put him in the Hall?

There you have it.  8 Nominee's.  Only 3 will get in.  Winners will be announced December 17th.  Good luck to all!  

     

HAPPY HOLIDAYS (And Other Hurtful Phrases)

Happy Holidays bitches.

It's that time of year where we do all the things that require us to ask Jesus for forgiveness.  While out trudging through snow packed parking lots we will likely come upon the phrase "Happy Holidays" at least once.  Which means there will be some people who will react as if you just burned their bible in front of them.  The fact that there are people who find this phrase offensive and an attack on their religion should be more alarming to all of us.  It’s a neutral greeting made for the holiday season and to find it offensive is as ridiculous as being offended by someone saying “Hi” instead of “Hello”.  Actually it stupider as one could make a proper grammar argument about Hello vs. Hi.  But let’s come back to this. 

For far too long the day after Thanksgiving (Black Friday) has been the day people employed in retail have had to get out of bed at 3:00 in the morning so that the worst people on the planet could score an unbelievable door buster deal on a toaster.  Or a flat panel TV.  And bless the poor sons of bitches under the employ of Sam Walton’s offspring.  Because in Wal-Marts around the country, shoppers take the term “Door Busters” literally as they trample the old and the weak on their way to big savings on a blu-ray player.  After all.  With great savings comes great sacrifice. 

As stories of people being trampled increased, you’d think we could all agree that it was time we re-examine just what the hell it is we’re doing.  Getting out of bed just as our REM sleep was beginning to kick in.  Bundling up and heading out to fight others willing to make the same sacrifice all in the name of saving a few bucks.  When did getting a good deal on electronics become something we brag about?  But instead of assessing our priorities, we up the ante.  Opening at 4:00 am the day after Thanksgiving wasn’t early enough.  We need to open on Thanksgiving at 8:00 PM.  Ensuring those who work in retail for a living that they will never have a Thanksgiving off.  Think about that for a moment.  Never.  For what?  I only ask that one person explain to me why this is necessary or even good.  Explain to me how this isn’t selfish.      

While we could go on about the commercialization of Christmas but to me this is more than that.  This is mean.  This is lack of empathy.  This is… evil.  While it’s true that Wal-Mart is a diabolical corporate entity that does more to keep poor people poor than the lottery, it’s the consumers that turn a blind eye in the name of savings.  It’s the consumer who chooses to follow the trend instead of create it.  It is the consumer who turns a blind eye to the person they are stepping on.  It is the consumer who is to be held accountable.

At least when it was just stupid early it had the feel of an event.  But now, opening at 8:00 pm and closing at 2:00 am.  Then opening at 6:00 am?  Why?  Let's tie in the whole Happy Holiday’s controversy.  

Those who drop change in a tray a couple Sunday’s a month while attending some sort of Christian faith feel they own the Holiday.  It is in theory the day we celebrate the life of Jesus and he’s the one they pray to when they need forgiveness for being a horrible human being.  So they kind of got a point. So they get a little defensive when someone has the nerve to say “Happy Holidays” in lieu of “Merry Christmas”.  They feel it minimizes the true meaning of the Holiday.  Too bad they don’t feel that way about walking across someone’s skull at 4:00 in the morning in an effort to get the Gilmore Girls Complete Series box set DVD for 10 bucks.

In other words, you should’ve seen this coming.  Christmas is more than a day Christians remember Jesus and give thanks for his sacrifice.  Publicly traded companies close their doors for a couple of days.  Schools, public schools, shut down for what they conveniently call Christmas break.  And guess what. Some of the people who attend those schools and work at these places aren’t Christian.  But for some reason, they too like presents.  Greed and selfishness is not something those of Christian faith should feel entitled to and is the main reason Christmas has become so mainstream.  And now that it is shared by companies that employ and are patroned by people of all faiths, that same selfishness rears its head.  Over a greeting.   

Lets face it.  There are more Christians exchanging presents than there are Christians making time for Jesus by attending a holiday service.  Search your feelings.  You know it to be true.  In other words, the people who have the biggest problem with the term “Happy Holidays” are the ones responsible for it.  It’s because of their willingness to continually amp up the commercialization of Christmas that has forced retailers to come up with a generic Holiday greeting.  So ask yourself, what will you be doing Thanksgiving or Black Friday?

Keep in mind, there is no one forcing anyone to not say Merry Christmas.  Or replace it with Happy Holidays.  You have to want to be offended by someone saying Happy Holidays.  What would Jesus do?  Turn the other cheek?

Alas those responsible will never account for their actions making a column like this preaching to the choir.  At the very least I implore this. 

If you must venture out into the myriad of Door Buster deals just take a second to smile and maybe throw in a thank you to the people willing to sacrifice their time.  After all, it’s the Holidays.  We should be nice.  Right? 

Happy Holidays!