What if... Kanye West Is Retarded?

Warning:  The following article uses the word “RETARD” for comedic purposes.  If you find that offensive, reading any further is a sign you are willing to go out of your way to be offended.  Which probably means deep down you like it.  Your loins burn for this kind of thing.  Don’t fucking email us telling us how offensive this article is.  We know and you are a dick.  

Kanye West.  The name alone brings many different images.  Asshole.  Douchebag.  Self-absorbed blowhard with a messiah complex.  While there has been plenty of discussion about his antics I wanted to take a look at why he’s this way.So this week we ponder… what if Kanye West has Down Syndrome?

It’s important to the theory that you let that sink in a bit.  While you do that I’ll explain why it’s at least a possibility.

Let’s start with who he is.  Kanye is clearly a prideful person.  He carries himself with purpose.  He loves his mother.  And he is very impressed with the things he has to say.  I could see how a guy like him would be ok fucking a girl like Kim Kardashian.  But why date her?  Why have a baby with her?  Why marry her?  Why buy her 10 Burger Kings?  It’s almost as if he doesn’t totally understand who she is.  He does know she has fucked a lot of guys right.  And that most of the country has seen her have sex.  Think of the biggest slut you know.  Now imagine how a retard would feel about her being his girlfriend.  It wouldn’t bother him a bit.  Cause he’s retarded.  He would feel no shame or loss of dignity telling everyone he loves her.  A retard wouldn’t know any better.  Search your feelings.  You know it to be true.

Have you ever noticed his arms are kinda short for his body?  Or that his head is a bit bulbous?  I don’t say this to be mean to those who suffer from Down’s Syndrome but those are common characteristics no?

He named his kid a pun and I’m pretty he still doesn’t get it.  I know every celebrity insists on giving their baby a stupid name.  While it’s self serving and kinda mean, they feel it’s unique and creative.  But when your last name is West and you name your child North.  That’s a certain level of stupid.  The kind of stupid that is inappropriate to call “stupid” if you know what I mean.

He sure seems prone to violent outbursts with minimal provocation.  Do you remember Mary’s brother Warren in the movie Something About Mary?  One minute he seems happy and content.  But you get too close to his ears and he’s a fist of rage.  Remind you of any awkwardly proportioned rappers? 

Lastly let’s look at some quotes old Yeezus has spewn over the years. 

“I hate when I’m on a flight and I wake up with a water bottle next to me like oh great now I gotta be responsible for this water bottle.”

“I don’t even listen to rap.  My apartment is too nice to listen to rap in.”

“Visiting my mind is like visiting the Hermes factory.  Shit is real.”

“Fur Pillows are actually hard to sleep on.”

“I’m not a fan of books.  I would never want a books autograph.”

Now, imagine the person saying all those things was retarded.  They don’t seem so out of place.  They kind of sound like something a retard would say. 

Occam’s Razor.  Often times the simplest explanation is the correct one.  Can you come up with a simpler explanation for why Kanye is the way he is?  Simpler than he’s retarded?  Remember when he walked on stage in the middle of Taylor Swifts acceptance speech at the MTV VMA’s?  Better yet.  Go to youtube right now and watch it.  And while you watch it, think of Kanye as a mentally disabled American.  Go ahead I’ll wait… 

I KNOW RIGHT!  

So what if he is retarded?  We should be heralding him.  We should use him as an example of how those who suffer from Down’s Syndrome can more than contribute to our world.  They can brighten it with horrible rap.  If my theory is correct he has to be the most successful retarded person since Gerald Ford. And that should be embraced and celebrated.  Not driven to violent outbursts in airports.   Cheers to you Kanye.  You big retard you. 

Review: Don Jamieson at the New Hope Cinema Grill 3-15-2014

Someone asked me why someone who values his own opinion so much doesn’t do reviews on things like music releases, movies and performances.  Good point.  I clearly don’t mind being a judgmental asshole.  I should share more of that.  Would God have given me this gift if he didn’t want me to share it?  So were officially open for business here at Snark At The Moon.  Got something you want to be reviewed?  Let us know.  Now lets kick it off!

Don Jamieson – New Hope Cinema Grill

March 15th, 2014

I first became familiar with Don Jamieson from VH1’s That Metal Show.  For those who don’t know, he, along with fellow comedian Jim Florentine and radio show host Eddie Trunk, is one of the hosts.  I must confess to be a tad addicted to this show.  Even though they’ve never addressed one of my complaints about the show (Stop staging Stump the Trunk questions around the shows guests for one) I never miss an episode.  So when I heard Don Jamieson was coming to MN, as a fan, I knew I had to go.  I used it as an excuse to take my wife out but the reality is if someone told me he was at Como Park playing Frisbee with his dog I would’ve gone and watched that. 

I should say that I don’t go to many comedy shows.  It’s not that I don’t enjoy them.  There just aren’t many that I know enough of to make a point of going.  And here I was.  All fired up because a comedian who’s act I have no familiarity with was coming to town.  Confession.  I was a little worried he wouldn’t be funny which might then ruin my relationship with his show.  If he wasn’t funny then maybe Jim Florentine isn’t either.  Would they then be just a couple of losers who like black t shirts?  But I was willing to risk it.  I also didn’t do any youtube or google searching on his act because I didn’t want to go in knowing anything about his show.  I’ve already experienced enough things for the first time with my hand.  Not tonight though.  Tonight!  I was a Don Jamieson virgin.   

So, wife in tow.  Off to New Hope we go.  One thing us in flyover country have grown weary of is the half assed effort from our entertainers.  Ecspecially from the New York area (Mr. Jamieson is a proud New Jersian.  Jerseyian?  He’s from Jersey.)  But not DJ.  (I can call him that.  We’re buddies now.)  To my personal delight a large part of his show revolved around hard rock and metal.  This may not be the type of material that would fill Madison Square Garden but it fucking should.  Don’t ya think? 

(It’s been brought to my attention by Mr. Jamieson’s people that it is not ok to call him DJ and in no way are him and I “buddies”) 

I think a big part of his act is his delivery.  I know you can say that about all comics but I think it really comes home with Don’s act.  There was an interaction with the crowd he kept going back to.  There was gentlemen he called Big Guy (He was big) who was on a first date.  At one point going back DJ (sue me) wanted to confirm that “Big Guy” did indeed want to fuck his date for the evening.  His delivery followed by an expressive stare all but guaranteed “Big Guy” was either going to get laid that night or he was on his first and last date with the lady he met online. 

There were jokes about Croc’s, Whitney Houston, Dicks, Farts and KISS.  He even managed to add a local touch to his routine with a racially tinged reference about Brooklyn Park.  Gotta give it to a guy willing to do some homework right?  He was offensive, sexist and a tad bigoted.  But in a loveable way.  We’d all get along better if we didn’t take ourselves so seriously.  After the show he took pictures with fans, signed copies of his CD’s and was exactly the guy you see on TMS.  Oh and the best part?  Outside of Don I may have been the skinniest dude in the place.  Thanks Don.  Next time maybe we can hang out.    

For more info on Don check out the following links.  

Don Jamieson Twitter

Don Jamieson Facebook

That Metal Show

That Metal Show Facebook

That Metal Show Twitter

  

KISS By The Numbers. Which Lineup Carries The Most Significance... Seriously.

Whether it was Bruce Kulick on the Arsenio Hall show in 1994 snarking that he’s been in the band longer than Ace and he’s still the new guy or more recently when Paul used the fact that the current lineup has been together almost as long as the original 4 members of KISS were as an excuse not to perform with Ace and Peter at the ROR HOF induction ceremony.  It has, from time to time, been said that KISS without Ace and Peter has been more relevant.  Typically using calendar years as evidence of significance. 

Let me state for the record that I find this to be a minority opinion and typically voiced by Gene or Paul.  I don’t feel that way for sure.  But it is not a fringe opinion.  As someone who considers himself to be an expert in all things KISS I can tell you that there has always been a segment of the fan base that fully supports whatever the current lineup is and any decisions it makes and products it releases.  To the extreme they feel the need to defend it.  I think they should’ve stopped after the reunion tour.  That’s my opinion.  There are fans of KISS that upon reading that sentence have already decided I hate the current band.  Which not only isn’t true it isn’t what I said.  What can you do?

I’ll tell you what you can do.  Take opinion out of the equation.  KISS as it is started performing in 2003.  On paper that’s just over 10 years.  The original band started in 1973 and Peter was officially out of the band in 1980 which is barely 7 years.  Sure they reunited for 5 years from 1996-2001 but they never did 10 years straight.  Plus there’s no reason to think this lineup won’t keep going at least 2 more years.  Toss in Eric’s years with the band before the reunion and it’s pretty clear.  The current lineup is more legit, more important and by default the more significant. 

But shouldn't the question be what did any lineup do with their time?  How productive were they?  What did Bruce Kulick really contribute to the legacy of KISS?  How important was the addition of Eric Singer in 1992?  And how does the current lineup truly stack up to previous lineups.  From 2003 to now, the current lineup has released a whopping 2 studio albums of new material.  The original four released their first two records in 8 months.  In the last decade both Gene and Paul have released solo albums and written books.  They started their own restaurant chain and purchased an arena league football team.  Paul did a solo tour and released a DVD all while he pursued his art career as a painter.  Gene had a reality TV series, started an advertising agency and Eric Singer found time to do a few tours with Alice Cooper as well as with his own project ESP.  By way of comparison Ace Frehley got shit for skipping out on a recording session to play cards with some friends. 

The point is simple.  10 days of inactivity in KISS are not equal to 1 day of productivity.  Time alone is an inaccurate and misleading way to measure significance.  In this instance anyway.  So I came up with a point system to determine what version of the band delivered the biggest bang for the buck.  I call it… BLOKE (or Bakko’s Law Of KISS Equation.)  It works like this.

Years in the band – 2 pts. Per year

Studio Albums – 5 pts. Per album

Live Albums – 3 pts. Per album

Shows Played – 10 Shows = 1 pt.

Album Sales – 100K = 1 pt.

Years with no tour/no album – 1 year = -20 pts.

And probably the most revealing statistic.

Songs in the current setlist – 1 pt for every year since release (ex. Deuce = 40 pts.  Hell or Halleluah = 2 pts)

As you see I not only give points to things like “years of service” and “shows played” but I felt it necessary to take points away for years of inactivity.  You can't give 1976 the same score as 2006.  3 tours and 2 albums vs. none of either.  My criteria for “inactivity” is the absence of a proper tour or record release.  A proper tour is considered a minimum of 25 dates in no more than 60 days.  I also felt the songs that are currently in the set list should be weighted giving points for longevity.  And I gave no points for the barrage of repackaging of previous material in the form of all the greatest hits, live etc albums that came out the last decade.  Also with the Ace and Peter in/out of the band in 2002-2003 I gave neither credit for those years.  For the sake of this equation 2003 is the start of the current lineup.  I also figured the powers that be chose to present Unmasked as an album with Peter Criss so I gave him credit for that.  I used the same reasoning for Ace on Creatures.  I did not overlap any members.  I used my best judgment when doing so and I didn’t award any points for the 78 solo albums, Best of Solo or Killers.

The Original lineup of Gene, Paul, Peter and Ace came in the highest with a BLOKE score of almost 734 while the current lineup of Gene, Paul, Eric Singer and Tommy came in last with a BLOKE score of 11 pts.  Even if you were to remove the penalty for years of inactivity they would still come in a distant third to the lineup of Gene, Paul, Eric Carr and Bruce Kulick which was officially together 7 years and just slightly ahead of the much maligned and short lived lineup of Gene, Paul, Eric Carr and Vinnie Vincent.  Which lasted barely a year, which I’ve been told is much less than the 10+ that Paul tells us the current band has been together. 

What does this really tell us.  Quite simply, that KISS was far busier in the first 7 years than the last 10.  And there are reasons for that.  When you’re young and hungry you have the time, drive and energy to do more.  Your working toward a goal.  It also tells us that this was when much of the music they still play was written and recorded.    Whereas the current lineup took a break from late 2004 until mid 2008.  Gene and Paul spent time working on many other things leaving Tommy to focus on the bands legacy which I would say he did brilliantly with the KISSOLOGY releases.  But the only time they came close to achieving the success and dominance of the band from 1976-1979 was when they reunited in 1996.  I have only one point.  It’s ridiculous to say or imply that the current lineup or any lineup that doesn’t include Ace Frehley and Peter Criss has ever approached the same level of significance.  You may prefer the Crazy Nights band but without the original band, that band doesn’t exist. 

Also, you can’t compare Ace and Peter to Tommy and Eric.  Or Bruce, Mark, Vinnie and Eric Carr.  Being a founding member of a band that achieved the heights that KISS did is nothing like being a contracted employee of that band after the fame has been achieved.  Unless your name is Vinnie Vincent, you’re not going to have the same level of entitlement as a hired musician as you would as a founding member.  You will not have the personal or emotional connection.  We’ll never know how Bruce Kulick would’ve dealt with the Gene and Paul power play that started to take place towards the end of the original bands run, or how Eric Singer would feel seeing another person wearing the makeup he created playing his part in the band, or how Tommy would’ve approached the Elder sessions or even how Ace would handle being in the role Tommy is in right now.

KISS has for many reasons endured into their 5^th decade.  That would never happen without Paul Stanley.  If you want to talk real significance it's Paul.  They may have had their ups and downs but without him there would be no need to discuss which lineup did what.  Gene is largely the most famous face in KISS and if you’ve listened to Paul the last decade its clear he has grown tired of the Demon garnering the lion’s share of attention for the work he put in.  Not that Gene hasn’t been a large part of the bands success.  It’s just that starting in 78’ he has checked out from time to time.  So take a bow Paul.  YOU more than anyone you’ve shared a stage with has earned it.  You also earned the right to play with who want and call it KISS.  But at some point you should realize you won.  Minimizing any of the lineups contribution doesn’t make the current one seem better.  It just makes you sound bitter.  Gene spews so much bullshit out of his mouth I figure most people can’t tell the difference between him and Ted Nugent.  As for the BLOKE scores, actual tallies are below.  Bring on the hate mail and math corrections.        

 

Original Lineup

Paul, Gene, Ace and Peter

1973 – 1980; 1996-2001 = 12 pts

Studio albums – 9 = 45 pts

Live Albums – 3 = 9 pts

Shows Played – 1018 = 101.8

Records Sold* – 17 million. = 170 pts

Years with no tour/no album – 0 = 0 pts

Songs in current playlist – 11 (396 total years) = 396 pts

Total Points – 733.8

 

Lineup 2

Paul, Gene, Ace and Eric Carr

1980-1982 = 2 pts

Studio Albums – 2 = 10 pts

Live albums – 0

Shows Played – 42 = 4.2 pts

Records Sold – 1 Million = 10 pts

Years with no tour/no album – 0 = 0 pts

Songs in current playlist – 2 (22 years) = 22 pts

Total Points – 48.2

Lineup 3

Paul, Gene, Eric Carr and Vinnie Vincent

1982-1983 = 1 pt

Studio albums – 1 = 5 pts

Live Albums – 0 = 0 pts

Shows Played – 150 = 15

Records Sold – 1.2 million. = 12 pts

Years with no tour/no album – 0 = 0 pts

Songs in current playlist – 1 (21 total years) = 21 pts

Total Points – 54

Lineup 4

Paul, Gene, Eric Carr and Mark St. John

1984 = 1 pt

Studio albums – 1 = 5 pts

Live Albums – 0 = 0 pts

Shows Played – 2? = 0 pts

Records Sold – 1.2 million. = 12 pts

Years with no tour/no album – 0 = 0 pts

Songs in current playlist – 1 (21 total years) = 21 pts

Total Points – 39

Lineup 5

Paul, Gene, Eric Carr and Bruce Kulick

1984-1991 = 7 pts

Studio albums – 3 = 15 pts

Live Albums – 0 = 0 pts

Shows Played – 462 = 46.2

Records Sold – 5.2 million. = 52 pts

Years with no tour/no album – 1 = -20 pts

Songs in current playlist – 1 (24 total years) = 24 pts

Total Points – 124.2

Lineup 6

Paul, Gene, Bruce Kulick and Eric Singer

1992-1996 = 4 pts

Studio albums – 2 = 10 pts

Live Albums – 2 = 6 pts

Shows Played – 79 = 7.9

Records Sold – 2.1 million. = 21 pts

Years with no tour/no album – 0 = 0 pts

Songs in current playlist – 0  = 0 pts

Total Points – 48.9

Lineup 7

Paul, Gene, Eric Singer and Tommy Thayer

2003 - Current = 11 pts

Studio albums – 2 = 10 pts

Live Albums – 0 = 0 pts

Shows Played – 360 = 36 pts

Records Sold –500,000 = 5 pts

Years with no tour/no album – 3 = -60 pts

Songs in current playlist – 3 (9 total years) = 9 pts

Total Points – 11 pts

*Album sales courtesy of GreasyLake.org