Snark Chop: Will Smith is a Bad Dad!

Kids are stupid and they just get stupider as they enter the teen years.  It’s part of being young.  As adults it’s our duty to understand this.  And as parents it’s our duty to guide our children through all of the things they don’t wanna do.  Will and Jada Smith’s offspring were recently interviewed by the New York Times for some reason.  And the interviewer, who I assume is an adult, is failing as an adult.  When a kids says something stupid you don’t enable or encourage more stupidity.  But as teenagers, Willow (girl) and Jaden (boy), are oozing the stupid.  The best kind too.  The “I smart” stupid.

 

 

Time to Snark Chop

 

On the topic of what they are currently reading. 

 

WILLOW: Quantum physics.

 

Like all 14 year old girls

 

JADEN: “The Ancient Secret of the Flower of Life” and ancient texts;

 

When he says ancient texts I assume he’s referencing a flip phone

 

On whether they feel time is going fast

 

WILLOW: I mean, time for me, I can make it go slow or fast, however I please, and that’s how I know it doesn’t exist.

 

Willow's mustache is coming in nice

Exactly.  Wait.  You can control time?

 

JADEN: If you are aware in a moment, one second can last a year.

 

WILLOW: Because living.

 

JADEN: Right, because you have to live.

 

That is a whole new level of stupid right there.

 

On the themes that reoccur in their work.  (Work?)

 

JADEN: The melancholiness of the ocean; the melancholiness of everything else.

 

So melancholy then.  Willow?

 

WILLOW: And the feeling of being like, this is a fragment of a holographic reality that a higher consciousness made.

 

JADEN: [bursts into laughter]

 

Hmm.  That’s really stupid. 

 

On, well to be honest, I have no idea what’s going on here.  Something about happy fruit. 

 

JADEN: When you’re thinking about something happy, you’re thinking about something sad. When you think about an apple, you also think about the opposite of an apple

 

Wtf?

 

On how Willow is helping black girls with her music.

 

WILLOW: I mean, “Whip My Hair” was a great thing. When I look back I think, “Wow, I did so much for young black girls and girls around the world.”

 

Unplanned pregnancy?  Listen to this.

 

And then Jaden chimes in with his own genius.

 

JADEN: That’s another thing: What’s your job, what’s your career? Nah, I am. I’m going to imprint myself on everything in this world.

 

You mean like a mushroom stamp?  You’re a little young for that kinda talk. 

 

On how they write music.

 

JADEN: She gets in the booth and just starts singing.

 

WILLOW: I mean, the beat is usually what moves me. Or I think of concepts. Then when I hear a beat that is, like, elaborating on that concept, I just go off.

 

JADEN: She freestyles and finds out what she likes. Same thing with me.

 

Ok this is total bullshit.  When you hear an “artist”, usually hip hop, say something like this here’s the translation.  People with talent and resources take my money and make songs.  I come in later and do what they tell me.  Then they make it sound somewhat musical and I take credit as a writer. 

 

On what I think is how they only need themselves for inspiration

 

WILLOW: There’re no novels that I like to read so I write my own novels, and then I read them again.

 

That’s called thinking.

 

On collaborating with each other.

 

WILLOW: Me and Jaden just figured out that our voices sound like chocolate together.

 

I’m starting to think they don’t know what chocolate is

 

On... Fashion?

 

WILLOW: I like to go to places with my high-fashion things where there are a lot of cameras. So I can just go there and be like, “Yep, yep, I’m looking so sick.” But in my regular life, I put on clothes that I can climb trees in.

 

Dear God that is stupid.

 

On breathing?  Or babies?  Fuck if I know. 

 

WILLOW: You have to breathe in order to live.

 

JADEN: When babies are born, their soft spots bump: It has, like, a heartbeat in it. That’s because energy is coming through their body, up and down.

 

WILLOW: Prana energy.

 

JADEN: It’s prana energy because they still breathe through their stomach. They remember. Babies remember.

 

WILLOW: When they’re in the stomach, they’re so aware, putting all their bones together, putting all their ligaments together. But they’re shocked by this harsh world.

 

Shaking my head

 

And they save the best (dumbest) for last.  On Education

 

JADEN: Kids who go to normal school are so teenagery, so angsty.

 

WILLOW: They never want to do anything, they’re so tired.

 

JADEN: You never learn anything in school. Think about how many car accidents happen every day. Driver’s ed? What’s up? I still haven’t been to driver’s ed because if everybody I know has been in an accident, I can’t see how driver’s ed is really helping them out.

 

Really.  Everyone you’ve ever known to be in drivers ed got in an accident?  And you equate a fundamental education to drivers ed?  And you never learn anything in school?  Please make it stop.

 

 

That is enough teen dumb-assery to power a Presidential motorcade.   

 

This isn’t new age parenting.  This isn’t a fresh approach to education.  These are two spoiled kids who think they have figured out something no one else has.  This is parents unwilling to stand up to their child.  When a kid says he doesn’t want to go to school it’s the parent that says “Too bad.”  Look.  With the money Will Smith has made his kids probably don’t need to go to school.  Or drive.  But if they wanna skip all stuff teens don't wanna do then why should they be allowed to dump their music on an innocent public?  Or breed?  What happens when they start getting horny.  Based on this interview there’s at least a chance they will have sex with each other at some point.  When your best friend is a sibling then something is wrong. 

 

Teenagers are stupid and taking them serious only makes things worse.  Having famous and rich parents doesn’t change that.  And when you have two of them who are so stuck on how important they are as these spoiled little pieces of shit, then interviewing them for the New York Times is a crime against humanity.       

Gene Simmons Love's Himself Some Gene Simmons

How often do you wake and think “I need to write and sell a book about how to write and sell a book”?  Well if your name is Gene Simmons that’s probably a thought you have most days.  After perusing my advance copy of Gene’s latest book “Me Inc.”  I got to a point where I figured rather than offer a review of the book I’d actually be doing you the reader a solid by saving you time and money and just give you the main points in an easy to digest manner.  A sort of Me Inc. For Dummies.  Although anyone buying this book can’t be too bright.  But as such here’s a step by step guide on how you too can be successful like Gene Simmons.

1.       Meet Paul Stanley

2.       Cash big checks

3.       Say lots of inflammatory and stupid things

4.       Point to pile of money as validation of your stupid views

Things the Gene has been successful at:

1.       KISS

Things Gene has failed at away from KISS:

1.       Running a record company.

2.       Silent Rage

3.       House of Lords

4.       Gene Simmons Tongue (Men’s Magazine)

5.       Gene Simmons Bikini Carwash

6.       Moneybag (Clothing line)

7.       Making Indy Racing relevant again

8.       Marketing

9.       Record Producer

10.   Acting

11.   Running a record company, a second time.

12.   Managing Liza Manelli

There’s more but the overall point is this.  If you meet the right person it doesn’t matter how incompetent you are. 

Nick Jonas Is Human Shit... In Other News

In my day we put our child stars out to pasture about the same time hair starting appearing in places it wasn’t before.  And this was especially true if you worked for Disney.  Now, not so much.  Example A. Former Jonas Brother, Nick Jonas.  IT wasn’t that long ago they were a pretend band on the Disney Channel that espoused such established Rock N’ Roll ethos’ like not doing drugs or alcohol not smoking and celibacy until one was married.  And in a proper world they would’ve ran their course and been tossed aside as their 11 year fans turned 15. 

 

Being a child star stunts your ability to grow.  Not physically but mentally.  And real music comes from real musician.  Part of what makes good music is a good musician.  The real musicians have character.  They have depth.  They have flaws that have been beat into them from years of not getting paid.  Vans breaking down.  And turning to drugs and alcohol to deal with everything.  As this next generation carries on the flag of apathy, we can point to many reasons the populous doesn’t care about real music and one of those is the inability to see the difference between Guns N Roses and the Jonas Brothers.

 

Nick Jonas is gonna appear in something called Flaunt with his sperm gutters on full display.  Inside we see Mr. Waituntilyouremarried holding his crotch in some tighty whities.  As far as this pandering to the gay community I couldn’t care less.  It’s what I found out next that inspired this article and catapulted Mr. Jonas to the top of the short list for SATM MOTY 2015. 

 

Nick is willing to follow anyone on twitter who buys his new song 20 times.        

 

Asking someone to buy his crappy song and give to 20 people is asking his fans to buy 1 thing from him 20 times.  That is pathetic and desperate.  And there is no way his average fan has 20 friends.  What kind of loser listens to Nick Jonas?  But before he does 1 second of work followed by ignoring you, he has a few steps you need to follow...

 

 

 

And don't forget.  Nick Jonas doesn't follow just anybody on twitter.  He's gonna make you prove it... 

 

Which of course led to tweets like this...

And this...

And this..

And the occasional voice of reason...

And general disgust...

At least I hope that's disgust.  Fans and consumers have been getting their ass handed to them for sometime now and it's time hit back.  No artist is deserving of the type of reverence this requires.  Especially not a fucking Jonas Brother.  And taking advantage of the super fan at this level should be criminal.  If your song was any fucking good you wouldn't have to beg your Kool-Aid drinking fans to give it to people who don't want it.  Some people will defend this as a creative way to raise money in an ever changing industry.  And to that I say bullshit.  This is pathetic.  This is sad.  If you make a living taking advantage of people you deserve a fate worse than gay men dropping a few ounces of man gravy on your magazine spread.  And it's society's fault.  When w treat the careers of the Nick Jonas' of the world properly and shit like this wouldn't happen and wouldn't matter if it did.

 

 

SATM on Facebook     

 

 

 

Motley Crue's Fifth Member

 

 

Grunge has often been credited with killing much of the music of the 80’s metal scene.  But as we now have the ability to look back it sure seems to have taken a bigger toll on bands like Ratt and LA Guns than it has for Motley Crue.  Vince Neil  recently acknowledged as much between Big Mac's and lipo treatment when he told Q magazine "I don't know why people say grunge killed rock. Only people whose careers were on the way out said that. It didn't seem to kill us.”  Hmmm.  Is that really true?  How is it that Ratt’s career was over in 1991 but not Motley’s?  And while Vince can say that now I doubt he felt that way when he released his second solo album, Carved In Stone, in 1995.  Not even I bought that.  And I buy everything.  In retrospect the downfall of the Sunset Strip scene was predictable.  Bloated bands offering nothing real or fresh.  The first single off every album was an upbeat rocker followed by a generic power ballad.  The same pattern.  Same video.  And when Guns N’ Roses broke it was clear there was a void that needed to be filled with angry music and we weren’t gonna get that from Slaughter.  Or 1989 Motley Crue for that matter.  But why is it that in 2014 bands like Ratt, Cinderella or even Judas Priest are viewed as less than Motley Crue?   

 

Let’s be honest.  Motley didn’t release a great album after Shout at the Devil.  Even if you disagree with that you must acknowledge the general population doesn’t care much for anything they released after Dr. Feelgood.  Don’t get me wrong.  I suppose all bands from this era are nostalgia acts at this point, but Motley seems to generate more current buzz.  Yet most of the people going to Motley’s farewell tour right now have no idea who John Corabi is or that they once had a female drummer.  I’m not talking about guys like me.  Guys like me know every detail.  Guys like me would rather hear City Boy Blues than Kickstart My Heart.  Guys like me will buy every Motley Crue record as it comes out.  With the full faith and credit that it will suck.  Guys like me look at going to shows and buying the records as an obligation.  But guys like me don’t fill arenas.  Depending on your city we might fill a club.  So why Motley and not LA Guns?  Tracii Guns had a theory.  He once said LA Guns would’ve been bigger if they'd had a blonde singer.  I don’t know about that but I do have my own theory on why Motley is revered more than any of their contemporaries. 

 

Tommy Lee’s penis. 

 

Far too many of us have seen Tommy and Pam’s “leaked” *cough* sex tape.  And once Tommy honked a boat horn with his dick the course was set and the ship had sailed.  At the time the video was unleashed upon an unsuspecting world, Pamela Anderson was internationally famous for bouncing along a beach in slow motion and showing her enhanced goodies in Playboy every other month.  Tommy Lee, and Motley Crue for that matter, were names that guys like me knew and the general world stopped caring about years earlier.   Then came the most famous sex tape ever (Sorry Kim Kardashian.)  And not long after Tommy and his crank were almost as famous as the tits in that video. 

 

We all know what happened next.  Motley were reuniting with original singer Vince Neil (Who had his own sex tape but with just an average size penis) to record an awful record and tour the world.  They released a book called the Dirt.  And while the road since that point had its ups and downs for Motley, Tommy and his dick parlayed their fame into a handful of really bad solo records.  A really bad reality TV show.  And a  couple of stint’s in jail.  The unintended beneficiary to all of this was Motley.  They became iconic.  Infamous.  And now as they promise to leave us forever as a touring entity, I find it hard to believe that the general public would care as much as they seemingly do were it not for Tommy’s special purpose.   (What do you think he is?  Some kind of jerk?) They had fewer hits than Ratt but would Alice Cooper open for Ratt today?  As the bank accounts of all four members grow, it’s the growth of an uncredited member that should take a bow.  Well, maybe in few minutes.  Not right now. 

  

Does anyone have some hand sanitizer?

Janay Rice Shouldn't Stand By Her Man

*I would like to say I often use this forum to express myself in satirical or sarcastic way.  Snarky.  Among the topics I would never make light of is spousal abuse of any kind.  What follows is in no way sarcastic or meant as a joke

 

I was planning on staying away from this one.  A) It’s getting plenty of coverage and B) standing out against domestic violence in situations like this tend to  be more about the person saying it and less about the actual issue.  I didn’t feel I had anything to offer that others weren’t already saying.  Then the victim spoke out.

 

In a letter to the Baltimore Sun, Janay Rice had the following to say in regards to the video getting out.

 

 

"I woke up this morning feeling like I had a horrible nightmare, feeling like I'm mourning the death of my closest friend.  But to have to accept the fact that it's reality is a nightmare in itself. No one knows the pain that [the] media & unwanted options from the public has caused my family. To make us relive a moment in our lives that we regret every day is a horrible thing. To take something away from the man I love that he has worked his ass [off] for all his life just to gain ratings is horrific.

"THIS IS OUR LIFE! What don't you all get. If your intentions were to hurt us, embarrass us, make us feel alone, take all happiness away, you've succeeded on so many levels. Just know we will continue to grow & show the world what real love is! Ravensnation we love you!"

 

Some will dismiss her as stupid and someone who deserves to be with someone who will abuse her.  Some will speak in terms of concern that she is allowing herself to be part to blame.  There’s a little truth in both I guess.  I have a hard time relating as I’ve never had a problem not hitting people or belittling my spouse.  Suffice it to say I find violence of any kind unnecessary.  I’ll leave any further discussion as to how we handle domestic violence to more qualified people.

 

I do feel comfortable talking about the statement Janay made via the Baltimore Sun.  Two things stick out to me. 

 

How can she not see she is living the stereotype?  Maybe stereotype isn’t the right way to put it.  She is acting like a text book example of someone who has been abused.  Placing blame on herself.  Defending her attacker.  Blaming others for bringing attention to it.  Odds are there were people in power for the Baltimore Ravens and the NFL who knew about all of this back in February and did nothing aside from cover it up.  Maybe Janay is perfectly fine being a Ray Rice punching bag.  But if we allow people in power to cover up this kind of crap, that only serves to ensure it will continue to happen.  As much as I feel for her, it’s bigger than her.  And it’s kind of scary she feels the attention this is bringing on her home is worse than the left hook that left her laying on the floor.  It’s almost as if she’s telling people like my wife that only by the grace of God has she not been punched. 

 

Secondly, and this had nothing to do with the issue and more with what we feel is acceptable when discussing a serious issue.  From either side.  I can’t take someone serious when they end a statement like this with a reference to “RavensNation”.  Now I not only think she’s in denial but I also think she’s stupid.  Any point she was trying to make is now gone because she went to the “LOL” card.  You cannot approach this the same level of sincerity you would when posting on Instagram and be taken seriously.  Not only is she lying to herself, but she lacks the mental capacity to embrace the seriousness of the shit storm her husband put her in.  The only thing the media is guilty of in this case is false sincerity.  But I guess so is Janay Rice.  What don't you all get?  Your use of "us" and "we" for starters.      

 

I don’t own an NBA team so I have no concern saying someone who was raised by his mother should have a higher regard for women.  Funny how we've heard from her but not him.        

 

Safe Horizon Domestic Abuse Help

I Wouldn't Call It A SUPER Group Bob

The term Super Group is being tossed around a little loosely these days.  While definitions in the English language are commonly being watered down or twisted to fit what poses for wit, it doesn’t mean it’s ok.  As a society and as a race (human) we should inspire to be better.  To be smarter.  Instead it looks like we are seeing the beginning signs of a society that before long will resemble the movie Idiocracy.  But that’s not what we’re talking about now is it.  We are talking about what constitutes a “Super” group.  I for one am not going to stay quiet while John Sykes and Brian Downey are secretly meeting in Dublin. 

 

It was announced this week the Jack Blades along with Deen Castronovo and Doug Aldrich are currently hunkered down in a recording studio working on an album for their as yet unnamed Supergroup.  This seems to be all 50 year old (or older) rockers do now days.  They slap together a few guys.  Release an album.  Mention they already have another album done.  Tour and release that second record and then disappear.  KXM, Black Country Communion, Adrenaline Mob and The Winery Dogs.  Recent collaborations that lack that “Super” part of Supergroup.  This isn’t about ability or quality.  This is about star power.  Star power is the reason why the name Bret Michaels instantly conjures images of abs and wigs and the name Mike Orlando makes you think of Google.  To put it another way.  If your biggest claim to fame is being in Deep Purple after Ian Gillan, then you can’t be the biggest star in your “Super” group.

 

The Highwaymen = Super!

After thinking about it for roughly 30 seconds I am pretty sure there have been only two Supergroups that were almost entirely a collection of A listers.  The Highwaymen and The Traveling Wilburys.  Maybe Chickenfoot?  It really depends on how you grade Michael Anthony.  Them Crooked Vultures comes close with Dave Grohl and John Paul Jones but with JPJ being so removed from stardom and Josh Homme not exactly a household name it just falls short.  Still a Supergroup.  Just not the "Superest" of groups.      

 

So what is a “Super” group?  For starters it has to have at least one A Lister.  It doesn’t have to be an A Lister in all walks like a Jimmy Page.  But in the genre they are known for or the instrument they play an A Lister.  Timing matters as well.  Take Contraband for instance.  Assembled at the end of the Sunset Strip era it contained a who’s who of the time.  If they were to do it today it would be a who’s who of who’s that.  But lets keep moving.  So you need one A List member.  And no more than one member can be an unknown.  Those three criteria must be met to even be considered for Supergroup status.  Unless Eric Clapton is in the band.  Eric Clapton has made a career about of being in Supergroups.  Because of that any band that has Clapton is automatically a Supergroup.  We’ll call it the Clapton factor.

 

With those established commandments we can now go forth and grade some of the so called “Super” groups to see if they are truly “Super” or just a collection of musicians.  To do this lets borrow from the education system and use what I’ll call the SPA or Super Point Average.  With 4 being the maximum SPA one can reach, for a group to be considered “Super” it needs to have at least a combined cumulative 3.0 SPA among its members.  Anything lower just isn’t “Super”.  And as long as it doesn’t contain more than one unknown member, (Damn Yankees) there will be no penalty for said member.  The SPA will be established with the remaining members.  So let’s break a few down.  First some old ones. 

 

Travleing Wilburys

 

Did you remember to get lunch Jeff? 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

George Harrison: 4.0

Bob Dylan: 4.0

Tom Petty: 4.0

Jeff Lynne: 3.3

Roy Orbison: 4.0

SPA: 3.86 

Traveling Wilburys =SUPER!

 

Damn Yankees

We're best buddies forever

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ted Nugent: 4.0

Tommy Shaw: 2.7

Jack Blades: 3.3

Drummer?: 0 (No Penalty)

SPA: 3.3 

Damn Yankees = SUPER!

 

Mr. Big

Fat girls welcome

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Eric Martin: 1.0

Paul Gilbert: 2.3

Billy Sheehan: 2.7

Pat Torpey: 0 (No penalty)

SPA: 2.0

 

Mr. Big = Not super

 

 

Now some of the newer ones that spawned this whole talking point. 

 

Velvet Revolver

We're our own AA meeting

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Scott Weiliand: 3.7

Slash: 4.0

Duff: 3.3

Matt Sorum: 2.0

Dave Kushner: 0 (No Penalty)

SPA: 3.25 = SUPER!

 

KXM

This is where we met

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

George Lynch: 2.3

Dug Pinnick: 1.3

Ray Luzier: .7

SPA: 1.43

 

KXM = Not super

 

Winery Dogs

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Richie Kotzen: 1.0

Mike Portnoy: 2.0

Billy Sheehan: 2.0

SPA: 1.67

 

Winery Dogs = Not super

 

Unnamed Jack Blades Project

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jack Blades: 1.7

Doug Aldrich: .7

Deen Castronovo: .7

SPA: 1.03

 

???? = Not super

 

 

Eric Clapton sitting on a bench by himself

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Eric Clapton sitting on a bench by himself = Super!

 

 

Now you may have noticed that both Billy Sheehan and Jack Blades received lower scores for the current bands than they did for their earlier work.  That’s because not everyone is Elvis.  Elvis was and always will be a 4.0 on the SPA.  Their personal star power has dropped dramatically in the years between said projects.

 

So I hope that clears everything up.  From here forth there will be no more gray area regarding the Superness of a group.  Using the criteria set here and applying an SPA you can determine whether the band you love is Super or not.